Crazy4Him

I couldn't believe it. I haven't been posting on this site for a while because I've been moving on from him (without even realizing it) and aparently moving on so well that he must have sensed it and decided to invite me back into his "life". I use the word life very loosely when referring to him.

He texts me this at 3 am: "I'm sorry. Sorry for the way I was. Sorry." What did I do? Ignored it. He's not sorry and if he is three months makes it way too late to start telling me about it.

He calls me all day the next day. I ignore it. Then he texts me: "I was very drunk last night when I wrote you that text. Even sober I am still sorry. I haven't really been doing well. I guess once the egos demolished it's easier to just let go and say sorry." Guess it's my turn to say sorry cause, sorry! Not buying it. And he's still drinking. A question I didn't know (and didn't want to know) the answer to.

The fact that he's still drinking makes that apology mean nothing to me.

I tried to avoid him at work which I figured would be easy since I'm in a new department now, but he cornered me.

Him: So you want me to stop texting you apologies I'm guessing?
Me: Yeah.
Him: I can do that.

*******.

Someone please tell me why I feel BAD for not accepting his apology?! Please talk some sense into me right now. I've been in another department at work and completely (physically and mentally) out of his life for two weeks now but he is now showing up in my department, places he doesn't need to be. I just found out the other day that he actually volenteered to work one of MY parties then asked my co-workers if I was working that night. They all think he's stalking me. Thank god I wasn't there.

UGH. UGH. UGH.

But guess what? I just got home. Didn't cry. Didn't stress. Didn't break any belongings. He doesn't have the power over me that he used to. Except maybe the power to get me to make a really long post on SR. But not to cry and doubt myself and be completely miserable.

The apology brings me peace, I can't lie.

I don't know if I should accept it verbally. Being a stubborn person myself I know how HARD it is to swallow your pride an apologize to someone. I know it must have been hard for him to do, if not damn near impossible. Apart of me wants to text him 'I apprechiate the apology. Goodbye.' and be DONE with it all, apart of me feels like that is what a good person would do. But another part of me wants to just leave it alone.

Talk to me please. Would a good person accept it, and let him know they accept it? Will I ever truly be DONE if I can't even accept his apology? Doesn't that mean I'm just holding on to the anger? Talk to me...

laurie6781

To me, as a very long time sober alkie that is just more QUACKING and MANIPULATION trying to get back in. He is STILL DRINKING.

You did good. Told him no texting. Made it clear you want no contact. GOOD FOR YOU!!!!!

Don't feel bad ........................ listen to your gut. Your gut told you what it was ................ a MEANINGLESS APOLOGY.

You keep getting on with your life, that is progress in recovery.

Love and hugs,

Kickerscrt

That's a rough situation with no easy answer. Looking at the situation objectively, though, he has obviously not lost all that is necessary for him to get help. He's holding on to the fact that maybe he can get you back in his life, make promises to change, stop drinking, etc, but the reality is it will only be temporary.

I think the only situation where you would want to think about accepting his apology is if he got help and stayed sober. I'm going to have to go back and read some of your other posts to see what has all transpired, how bad off he is, etc.

The reson you feel bad is because, unless you're a totally heartless person, it is really difficult to see someone you care about falling deeper into addiction. Part of you might be saying "Maybe if I accept the apology, he'll change!", while another part may be saying "Maybe he's falling even faster now that I didn't accept the apology!" The truth of it, though, is he was drunk when he apologized which means that he was probably in a moment of self-pity. If he ever gets to the point of making genuine ammends, then I think it will be a lot easier for you to answer your own questions at that time.

It almost sounds to me like you're all he has left, and he's holding on to that fact really tight. I can't say for sure, but I think it's going to take him realizing that you're gone before he hits that rock bottom. Getting him to realize that definitely won't be easy, but you've done well so far by not responding to his texts, not answering his calls, and then telling him that you want him to stop texting! Good job!!

I'm not sure if anything I've said has helped, but all I can say is just stay strong. Take care of yourself.

-Kyle

Freedom1990

Do you feel bad, or is it discomfort in doing something new, something healthy for yourself in seeing it for what it is, a manipulation?

I've heard enough 'sorry' from my oldest AD that it goes in one ear and out the other. Quack, quack, quack.


Believe me, as a recovering alcoholic/addict myself, it was never EVER difficult to say sorry when I was manipulating the people around me.

neecey1224

Does the word "sorry" really mean anything if nothing has changed? Do his actions reflect that he's sorry? I listen to actions, not words. And, IMHO, meaningless words do not require a response of any kind. I agree with Kicker that "sorry" without genuine amends is just an empty word.

Ago

Of course you can just accept the apology and move on, not analyze it to death or continue to take his inventory....and just stay no contact

just an idea

(PS I don't mean contact him and tell him you accept it, just accept that he apologized and move on with your life, the truth is whether he is drinking or not he probably really is sorry for how he treated you, and yeah he may be trying to get you back, that doesn't make him a bad person, it makes you an attractive one, just file his apology under "I got my apology I wanted so badly case closed" and move on with your life)

Working the steps or being in recovery is about you moving on with your life, and having closure in your life, it doesn't have anything to do with what he does or is.

You got an apology

far out

Didn't you want that?

Say Thank You to God, pray for him because he is a sick person and move on.

gerryP

Agree with Ago.

Accepting an apology doesn't always mean that all is forgiven, forgotten and the relationship is beginning on a clean slate as though nothing happened.

GiveLove

So he apologized.

Very nice. I'm glad it feels good - that's nothing to be ashamed of.

But what does that have to do with what you're going to do for yourself today, tomorrow, the day after? What does that have to do with your dreams for your one precious life?

Accept it for what it is, and continue on your path to a better, chaos-free life. Getting drawn into warm fuzzy feelings for him again would be a big mistake at this point. And that's what his little obsessive PR campaign is all about, isn't it? To make you like him again? To make himself feel better?

GREAT job at refusing to be sucked in, crazy4him, and for setting boundaries. Try to keep the focus on you.

Crazy4Him

Thanks guys. I'm sitting in my car in hair rollers and pjs because I couldn't get a wireless connection in my apartment.

It was worth it. Thanks.

Ago

Me too

Bernadette

from Ago: Me too

Wait....Ago, you're also sitting in your car in rollers and pj's??

LOL

-B

Freedom1990

transformyself

Ew. He's been going to the same seminars my AH attends. I think they're called

HOW TO DRINK YOURSELF TO DEATH, TREAT FOLKS LIKE S****, THEN HOOK THEM BACK IN JUST AS THEY'RE FIGURING OUT HOW TO LEAVE YOUR SORRY A**.

Screw that guy. Laugh at him when you see him and say, "Thank God I Escaped from that train wreck."

Trust me, you can find a guy who isn't a train wreck, who will delight in your rollers and pjs and never dream of treating you like this. A guy who will obviously not be perfect, but also will be a whole person that can be an actual friend to you.

But first you've gotta lose the dirtbag and love who you are.

Repeat after me

I LOVE who I am....

Sorry I"m feelin bossy. I know that ain't the way here..

transformyself

PS

i have to admit I came here just to see what "He apologized" looked like in someones else's life. Guess what! It's the same crap. Alcoholics aren't unique. And neither are the folks who love them. It's all a predictable pattern of abuse and addiction.

Thanks for sharing. I really hope you do laugh at him at work and say, "you really think that will work again?" Then go have a beautiful life.

Ago

Yup

I had to tape the rollers to my head though because my hair is so short right now

I had just seen C4H's post right after I was on facebook, and a GFF friend of mine was commenting that she went to a drive through coffee stand in her jammies and that everyone should do that, so I had replied I did, and they asked me what I was doing in her jammies, ( no no silly I am 150 miles away i didn't really i was joking) and we were having a good laugh about it when I saw C4H's post about sitting in her car in her hair rollers soooo............I couldn't resist

Rad44

He's still drinking? You need only concern yourself with two things. Time Away, and Distance From this Guy. Anything else will have an unhappy ending for you.

Ajax

Not that you asked but:
In my opinion,

I would feel that his last text and the conversation you had regarding him ceasing further texts is perfect closure of the relationship.
Leave it at that. Accept his apology in your heart if you need to, but there is nothing to be gained by letting him know of that acceptance. That is the price he has to pay for damaging your relationship so badly. Any decent relationship can end with a "Good Luck and Thanks". He took all that away. He did. You didn't. Just take solace that somewhere in that pickled mind of his, he knows what he lost and he's sorry. That's enough.

Your future just got so much clearer with all the mist rising... Be excited and look forward!

Learn2Live

Because WE are used to accepting apologies from people who simply accidentally step on our toe, or unconsciously say something inappropriate, or something else minor and mostly unintentional. How the hell can you accept an apology from someone for the overwhelming chaos, heartache and pain that they bring and have brought into our lives?

How you react in this situation is not about his overcoming his own stubborness and swallowing his pride. Neither is it about whether or not you are a good person. This sounds to me like another attempt by him to get you re-involved. Your desire to contact him to say you appreciate the apology, and 'goodbye' sounds to me like you trying to get your needs met. Because ur unconscious thinking is: "Bad people do not accept apologies" and "Good people do accept apologies." When in fact you are neither good nor bad if you do either. HE SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING TO HIS HIGHER POWER, NOT YOU. His shortcomings are between HIM and his HP. Not your problem.

It sounds to me like you know that it is better and healthier for you to stay out of it and keep going on with your life. You should rest assured that if you do not verbalize your acceptance, you are NOT a bad person.

squirt

Actions speak louder than words. That's what I keep saying around my AH.

catlovermi

Whether it's an actual apology or not,

He's still an active alcoholic.

The net effect is that either way, he's trying to re-engage you in the codie-alkie dance, to hook you back in.

The only way to win, is not to play. To re-engage is to re-enter the house of insanity.

CLMI