QuietAndSmall

My mom is hittin the bottle again, my dad is in total denial, my brother is currently kicked out/at college and can't come home because my dad found out he's still smoking pot, and here I am, trying to ignore the chaos without success. I am so tired of my family.

I've been thinking a lot lately (certainly more than I should be) and I've come to realize that I am so fed up with hiding everything... Hiding how I feel, what I think, or what the heck is going on around here from everyone I know is tiring and subconsciously I know the only person I'm contaminating is myself. What I fear that nobody will understand if I tell them what's going on is that kids of addicts/alcoholics are trained to shut up and be quiet about family affairs... well eventually family affairs just grows into your whole entire being. We don't get a voice till we move out and have our own independent lives. I specifically remember my dad telling me and my brother to keep the fact that my mom was in a treatment center (the first time when we were a lot younger) between the family and that we shouldn't go around school telling people about it. Well from what I can tell, that rule hasn't really changed at all. Eventually all this stuff just builds and I'm at the point now where it's spilling over but it's too difficult to tell anyone because you have no idea who to tell or how to do it. You're so used to just packing it down, staying quiet, and letting it pass... and every time you do the fear grows a little more; if you tell anyone, you'll be labeled by everyone as "drama queen", "liar", "messed up", etc etc.

I just need to get the courage to get up and get out of this...people do it everyday, so why can't I? Nobody has any idea (or maybe they do?) how much I've just wanted to actually talk with someone about everything going on in the past week but secretly I know that if faced with the opportunity, I would be too afraid to take it. There are just so many reasons not to tell anyone and at some point I'm going to have to throw my hands up and say "Hell with it" and tell someone anyway. I could come up with a million reasons to not explain this to any of my friends or my family but the one reason I can come up with where I should is the most important; I need to.

Although I need to, I can't say I'm willing to, and I'm not going to alateen or alanon. I'm not ready for that stuff yet, I don't know if I ever will be. I just feel so fking trapped right now.

suki44883

((((HUGS)))) You can start by talking to us. There are a lot of people here who truly do care, and who understand what you are going through. Many of us have been in the situation you are in now. Talk with us, and after a while, maybe you'll be able to confide in someone you know personally. I know it feels like your home life sucks right now, but just being able to get your feelings out to others who understand can help a lot. I'm glad you're here. Keep posting and let us be your sounding board until you feel more comfortable talking to someone you know. ((((HUGS))))

QuietAndSmall

I'm just fed up because there's absolutely nothing I can do and I'm freaking out because the last time there was a huge relapse like this my dad threatened to make her move out and asked me and my brother first. Him and my brother wanted her to move out and I didn't and I feel like it's going to be hell all over again... If she has to move out then I have some explaining to do with my friends -.-

suki44883

This isn't about your friends, hon...it's about you and your family. What do you really want? I mean, things being as they are, not how you would like them to be. If your mom refuses to stop drinking, that is not your problem. If your father wants her to leave, that also is not your problem. How old are you? Can you leave on your own? If not, then yes, there's not much you can do for your mom, but you can do something for yourself. You can talk to us here until you feel you are ready to talk to someone else. Have you considered counseling, or Alateen? There is support out there for you. You are not alone. There are people who care.

intheknow

This could have been written by anyone one of my daughters about their AD.

I understand everything you are saying and what you are feeling. We are trained and taught that as long as everything looks perfect on the outside, we will deal alone with what is on the inside to avoid the embarrassment that comes when people find out we aren't perfect.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, and dealing with this alone. Please know that I am willing to listen anytime, to any of your feelings. I will not judge you, I will just try to understand.

Sending warm thoughts your way, and hugs for you too.