intheknow

AH went to rehab Sunday, after hell week. Ok, I'll be honest...hell YEARS. So this was the final straw.

I told him, and told his parents that I would not even consider being married to him unless he got help. No books, no counseling once a week for six sessions. I wanted real, serious help. He chose rehab.

The kids and I have sent him letters everyday this week, which he got the first two days after we sent them. He has gotten a packet of letters everyday since.

He has called everyday, some days twice a day. The first day, he cut me off after 2 minutes, saying other people were waiting to use the phone. Tuesday and Wednesday he sounded pretty good, and I felt myself wanting to believe that things were going to be different this time.

Then Thursday, the crap all started again. Justifying behaviors. Denial and half truth. The same today, only this time he actually said nothing (old habit) and then told me he really needed to go (another old habit).

We have gotten no letters, although he says they were sent. Every time I talk to him on the phone, he tells me the letters will explain things better than he can...and just wait for the letters.

I am so mad at myself. I felt so good for the first several days he was gone. I felt so much peace, clarity and just a general sense of calm. Now I sit here and feel edgy, tired and foolish. I am taking care of 4 (2 are adult and live outside the home, yet have a lot of contact with me and I have been trying to help them understand what is going on, one is currently pregnant with her first child) kids, a dog, a house, a full time job, the bills...and not sleeping because I am so worried about him coming home.

I think the thing that worries me the most is I am not wanting to even give him a chance to work on our relationship when he gets home, I am just ready for it all to be done. In the meantime, he is sitting in rehab thinking that life will just go back to normal when he returns. I never promised anything, so where is this guilt and worry coming from?

onlyliveonce

I stay with my H for and extra 5-7 years over now what I realize was guilt, but the thing is the guikt didn't belong to me. I made it a part of my life and that I truly regret it took me this long to "get it" meaning he's going to do whatever he wants to do when he comes home. You have to decide what you can live with and what is not acceptable anymore. You have to figure out what's best for you. Seperate yourself from him and away from the couple aspect of it and ask yourself what it is you want from this marriage. He may not be capable of giving you what you want and from there you will have some decisions to make. It's not your guilt to own, it's his, give it back to him. You feel the way you do for a reason and I know what you mean about it being peaceful. It's wonderful when them and their crap is not around. I let my H's problems become my problems for far to long and when I gave them all back to him and stopped trying to protect him then he was faced with his own consequences for his actions he did't like that too much. If it was me I would just sit with your feelings for a few days and really think about having only one life and you don't want it to be a miserable one. Then just sit back and WATCH HIM and HIS ACTIONS and you'll be able to tell by the way he's talking if he's taking responsibility and owning up to his crap. If not start making some plans, you can do this you are a strong women and where there's a will there's a way (at least that's what my mama taught me) All of this said with care and concern.
You will be in my prayers for the tough upcoming decisions you might have to make Keep coming back and let us know how it's going for you.

squirt

good luck Mel. My AH went to rehab a year ago. It was either that or move out. It was a 28 day program. It was the best month I'd had in quite a while. The house was calm, I felt much more productive, and I felt like things were looking up. AH was allowed his cell phone so he'd call about every evening. He sounded like he was learning some good insights, was starting to take some responsibility for his actions, etc. It was a bit weird when he came home but the first few months went pretty well. Soon I learned the difference between sober and dry drunk! After about 6 mos. of not drinking, he finally decided to try and drink like a 'normal' person. Long story short, it didn't work. He's not a "normal" person. He has resented me for the last year for "making" him go to rehab and having to face the repercussions of amitting substace abuse issues to his employer. ( he was forced to do out pt. programs and 3x/wk AA meetings or be fired. He actually did get fired for not attending enough AA mtgs but finally got his job back) Either way, he still hold ME responsible for it all. If he had it his way, nothing would have changed and everything would be fine. Basically it was all my fault for having a problem with his drinking!
SO, I think it's probably normal for people in our situations to feel some sort of guilt and responsibilty for our A's lives. That's probably the codependecy in us. Your AH hasn't finished rehab yet. They probably have a lot yet to cover there and he's probably sitting there blaming you for him having to be there. It's not your fault. Don't let him fool you. If, after his time away, you still feel like you don't want to continue a relationship w/him or don't want him to move back in, I'd start telling him before he gets out. That way he can work on dealing with that emotionally and mentally while he's there with daily therapy. He won't be planning on a big happy reunion when he gets home. I guess my opinion is that he's already gone, let him know that's how you want it to stay. Sorry if I"m rambling tonight. Hang in there.
Squirt

Learn2Live

You already DID give him plenty of chances. No more chances. He can work on his relationship without you. Waiting for life to go back to normal? His normal is quite different from yours, isn't it? Let him go back to his "normal" and you pursue YOUR normal.

The guilt and worry are leftover from the many years of dysfunction. Let it go. STOMP out guilt.

intheknow

I just took a very long, hot bath and now look like a prune...but feel better and calmer and warm. Funny how cold emotions and feelings can make you physically cold.

The guilt and worry are coming from the notion about what HE will do. I am scared that he won't stay sober. I know it doesn't matter if he is not in my life, but what about my kids?

Funny that I don't know what my normal is. I think I have truly been unhappy for 10 of the 20 years that we have been married. Our sex life completely changed, I started to do things on my own instead of waiting for him to go with me...I learned to pull a camper by myself, and went camping at the lake with the kids almost every weekend. The kids and I started going out of town, whether he was going or not. I went to movies, to dinner with friends, joined the gym...but all the while wished that we could just be a normal family who enjoyed doing things together. He just never wanted to go with me/us. He would make the excuse that he was too close to getting called to work, and then would stay home and get absolutely falling down drunk.

One weekend when we were camping, he didn't want to go with us. He was close to getting called to work, so he was just going to stay home. He ended up getting so drunk that he did a header down 20 stairs and split his head open. Of course he told me he just tripped, it wasn't until a fight a year later that I guessed what happened and he fessed up. They are too dumb to realize that they are so predictable in their behaviors, and they get so mad that you know what they are doing.

So many years were spent hiding, making excuses, wondering, worrying, crying, being angry, screaming and yelling. I have no idea what MY normal is. I'm sure many of you on here have asked this same question...but really...WHO AM I?

Learn2Live

No time like the present to start finding out! It's easier to do without all that dead weight. And it is a lot of fun to discover yourself.

Daisy30

I agree with L2L start today!
I remember when my AH and I seperated 9 months ago. If someone were to ask me where I wanted to go eat lunch. I couldn't have told them. It has taken me a while to discover my likes and dislikes all over again.....but it has been a lot of fun! I have had a lot of "Oh yeah, I remember liking that" moments.

Also, many people have the idea that having an addict go to rehab will make them better, will make things better. Really, It doesn't. Getting sober is what has to happen first (IMO), before you can work on a relationship (if both parties want to fix it). Many times we set our expectations too high for the addict and for rehab. People can go to rehab, but they don't always stay sober. Some people do stay sober. They have to want it.
What do you want?

It seems like your gut is telling you something. With the way he is talking etc... you will know when True change has happened. Trust youself

Do you go to al-anon? It has helped me so much!!

((((hugs))))

GiveLove

There is no greater power than finding out what we love, mellane. And what we love tells us who we are.

Do you have a journal? My first step at rediscovering who I was was to start keeping a journal again (well hidden, of course) and starting each day with these questions in it:

What am I feeling today?
What hurts?
What is the painful story I am telling myself today? (example for you: that you are not allowed to decide you don't want this marriage any more, but you are powerless to move forward)
Can I be sure that my painful story is true?
Can I think of another story that might work better?
What decision today would bring more love into my world? (not his -- YOURS)

You might have your own list....but this can be a powerful way to get at the beautiful person that you have stuffed down over the years. She'd like a little fresh air and sunlight, please

violet97

I really like the idea of writing it down. i used to write all the time, not as a journal, but poems and stories, that still said what i wanted to say, i found it easier for me. but at some point i guess life just got in the way of that and i stopped. i've been thinking i should start again...

neecey1224

The anxiousness you feel comes from the fact you are still ALLOWING another person to affect YOUR life. You are giving him power he hasn't earned, power he doesn't deserve, and power he certainly cannot be trusted with at this time. Please don't give someone else the power over your life. I realize its a tricky/sticky situation with the marriage and the kids, but please find a way to keep your own power over your own life.

intheknow

I think we were all banking on rehab fixing many years worth of problems. Now, we are all realizing that it is simply the first step.

While he may come how a sober person, does that really change the person who he is? Because the person I have spent the last 20 years with is not the person who I want to spend the next 20 years with. Not today, not tomorrow, not ever. That person needs to simply be gone from my life.

Freedom1990

What rehab did for me was to provide me with a 'safe' environment for 30 days, away from the booze and drugs. Rehab gave me a running start on recovery, and a whole lot of tools to use once I got out IF I wanted to stay clean/sober. Rehab did nothing to repair the years of damage and pain I inflicted on my family.

Didn't you post recently about infidelity? If I'm mistaken, I apologize. If I'm correct, then ask yourself is 'sober' (if he does stay sober) good enough for you? There are things alcoholics do that non-alcoholics do, and alcoholism gets too much credit. Alcoholics don't have the maket on cheating.

intheknow

I did post on that. I actually mailed him a letter with the list of things, plus some others added to it and asked him to please address it while in rehab. I hope that he talks to his therapist about the issues, because I think there is so much more going on than alcoholism.

I also told him I am not sure that those things are something I will be willing or able to just forgive and forget.

It has taken all of this for me to realize that he can go away and fix himself, but if it is still him that I don't like, there is not much point in continuing in a relationship for another 20 years because I feel obligated to do so. And in reflecting on the last 20, there are so many instances where I am quite positive I was not feeling love, just feeling obligation.

Freedom1990

I think that is tremendous growth to recognize that!

It took years after I left my EXAH for me to truly understand why I stayed as long as I did.

As I grew in my own recovery, my bar of standards was set much higher, and today I know what I deserve in a partner.

I won't sell myself short anymore. I hope you don't either!

:ghug2 :ghug2

intheknow

It is just so hard to get to this point where letting it go completely is ok. Some moments it is, and I feel this way for a whole day. Other days I am in between...trying not to think about the things that I will lose instead of the things I will gain.

I just want the life I dreamed about all those years ago, before I married him.

Freedom1990

That's all normal going through the process...back and forth, back and forth.

It's never to late to pursue your dreams. I will finally graduate college next May, and I will be 52 years old. I've already landed a job in my chosen field, and locally at that! It's amazing the things that have happened in my life when I decided to live my life for me.

intheknow

Congratulations! What an accomplishment for you!

One day at a time...one day at a time...I, too, know that things will be fine and better than they have ever been.

Thanks for all your words of encouragement. It means alot.

transformyself

I realized recently that if I were to attempt to reconcile with my AH he would need years of sobriety. YEARS.

This behavior doesn't go away in a week. Or a month. It's the essence of who he is.

I accept him for who he is right now. And it isn't what I want. I've given up the false hope that things can be different this time. If only I clean the house well enough, listen more carefully and bla bla bla.

Nope. This time I'm not getting drug back in, even though he's still trying.

Learn2Live

I have found that even after 12 years of recovery, I have always separated the INDIVIDUAL from the DISEASE and believed that I saw the REAL person behind the sickness. I think I did this so readily by BLAMING the disease (big mistake cause there really is no one and nothing to blame). What I failed to realize, and have continued to fail to realize despite active recovery, is that the disease does not mask the person behind it, it commandeers the person and the REAL person IS who I am experiencing. I don't think people change that much after getting sober, even when they want to.

Not sure if any of this makes sense.

harleyd101

Wow Learn2live, that is a pretty broad stroke you just painted. I can tell you first hand that people do change, and they can change for the better, when they want it with all their heart. When I used, I was the person I swore I would never be...a liar, a cheat, a *****, a thief. This was not the person I wanted to be, but it was where my addiction took me. It was painful, I did feel remorse, and to suppress that pain I just used more. It was a viscious cycle. Did I care at the time? I did. My primary objective was to turn it all off, so on and on the cycle went. Today I don't resemble those characteristics even remotely anymore. Yes, this alcholic has changed, and each and every day I have the willingness to continue to change. I don't hurt people, I do the next right thing, and I have God guide me through each day. I also do what I have to do to stay in the light...I go to meetings, help others, and stay very involved in AA activities. My life is surrounded with people in recovery. I hope that makes sense to you, I guess I'm trying to say that change does come to those of us that want it with the very breath we take.