F*ck Childish Parents!!!!

Old 10-01-2009, 08:31 PM
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F*ck Childish Parents!!!!

OK--apologies for the foul language, but I'm so angry right now and SO TIRED of these childish games that my mom chooses to play (and yes, I could choose not to get involved, but I am so hurt right now--I have to rant to get this off my chest).

So to back up--"Jane", my alcoholic sister, was asked to leave her sober living facility after a series of relapses. My mom called my hysterically the other day--when I was at work--and asked me to take Jane in. I refused. So what does she do first? Screams "I THOUGHT SO" and hangs up on me. Starts giving me the cold shoulder. Hasn't been speaking to me for days.

Now here's where things get REALLY interesting--today I got an email that "Mom added you as a friend on Facebook". Okay. We were already "friends" on Facebook before. So why am I getting an email requesting my friendship again? OH. That means that she must have dropped me as a "friend" after I refused to enable Jane--my mom's form of "punishment". Talk about twisted. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm dealing with a child. I don't feel close to her at all. Her actions make me so hurt and angry. Each time Jane goes off the wagon, my mother cannot get angry at her. It is never "Jane's fault". It is my fault for not taking Jane in that Jane continues to drink, or it's my fault for having a glass of wine in front of Jane at a dinner party, or for refusing to talk to Jane on the phone when Jane's drunk, or for calling the police to tell them that Jane is suicidal. Why is my mother so angry at me? I just don't understand it at all. WHAT EXACTLY DID I DO?!!!!!!

I am so sick and tired that she uses me as a scapegoat for her anger at Jane. I want to confront her, but she will not listen. I don't know if I even want to waste my breath. I'm tired of her emotional game playing.

Sorry for the swearing; just needed to rant. Happier days will be here again. Sigh and errgh.

On another note--had a very good session with my therapist today; reassured me that I AM doing the right thing. But I guess no one said it would be easy to be the adult when your parents act like children.

Last edited by Trying2Fly; 10-01-2009 at 08:58 PM.
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Old 10-01-2009, 08:58 PM
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Amen, sister.

I try to let those children play with the other bad kids, and get on with my life as much as possible.

((( trying2fly )))

Try to let their childish behavior mean less and less to you, like laundry flapping on a line far away. Your life is your life...can you see the silliness and sadness of your mom's antics? Flouncing around de-friending you on Facebook, bet that'll teach you Hoping that as time passes you'll find yourself caring less and less about what they do or say. No contact helps too.
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Old 10-01-2009, 08:59 PM
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I just thought it was so incredibly childish. (the facebook thing, I mean).
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:01 PM
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I think it's difficult because I've dealt with my mother's childish game playing + emotional abuse my entire life, and now (in my 30's), I'm beginning to see it for what it is. And that's very difficult. It is like a loss because I don't think I ever had a "normal" mother--she was either smothering or hysterically angry--and I'm just starting to realize that my upbringing was dysfunctional. I'm also beginning to realize that I do have a right to live the life I want, regardless of how my parents feel. But it is so difficult at times. I just wish she would love me unconditionally, like parents should. She is so choosy about how she loves her children.

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Old 10-01-2009, 09:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Trying2Fly View Post
I just wish she would love me unconditionally, like parents should. She is so choosy about how she loves her children.
Probably one of the hardest things I've come to terms with in my recovery is my mother will never be the mother I always wanted to have. I love her, but she has been the emotional manipulator of the family for years, the martyr, if you will.

I've had to learn to parent myself, to embrace that little girl inside of me who wants that unconditional love.

I'm sorry for your pain. I know how badly that hurts. :ghug2 :ghug2
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Old 10-01-2009, 09:22 PM
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Thank you all; That is why I come here.
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:56 AM
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My stepmother is not the pouting-and-revenge type, but the "everyone should pay attention to me and only me" type. Can't decide which is worse. I actually talked to her on the phone after being taken to the emergency room this summer, and she said (literally): "Really? I hope you're okay. Hey, have I told you about my new stereo?...." and on to a rousing discussion of all of the things she has bought herself with my late father's money, none of which went to his children.

I decided that it doesn't add anything to my life to keep hoping she will turn out to be a good person, and I'm trying to get used to the idea that it's okay not to want to indulge in her long, one-sided me-fests. But I know it's a super-hard idea to get into our hearts. They still want things the way they should be....
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:00 AM
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Sorry you are copping the brunt of your mother's outbursts, but maybe she feels overwhelmed, afraid and angry at your sister's problem and underneath knows it aint no good aiming where it fits, so you cop it.

You ask, "WHAT EXACTLY DID I DO?!!!!!!"

Of course the answer is NOTHING, but take care of your own sanity.
Nothing you have done caused your sister to be an alcoholic, to keep relapsing and try suicide.
You know that NOTHING you can do will fix her, stop her or cure her..unfortunately your mother can't see or understand this, and keeps trying to haul you into it.

Maybe she needs to blame someone, anyone and you are it.
It doesn't make sense, but that is normal for alcohol affected folks, both addicts and those heavily involved with them.

It is so hurtful and hard for you to be in this situation, but keep on as you have and put you and your needs and wellbeing first.
After all, if you get dragged in and become part of this circus, you may end up ill and then your mum would have 2 daughters sick because of alcohol.

Stay strong.

God bless
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:22 AM
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As the mother of an addict, I know that, for me, before recovery I was on a desperate mission of trying to save my son. I would have yelled at anyone who I felt got in the way of MY plan and, sadly, the person I became was a far cry from the loving, caring person I used to be. I was sick, neurotic, angry, scared...no terrified, and totally out of control.

Recovery helped me change all that, I am no longer that awful person that I was (thank you God), and I find peace and beauty in every day...but that took a lot of work and I was willing.

I'm not justifying how your mother is, nor do I think anyone can force her to find her own recovery anymore than anyone can force your sister to find hers. I am just sharing this because I see myself in your mother, somewhere.

When the behaviour of other people affect me badly, I know I need to work on myself and distant myself from them, sometimes for a little while and sometimes for a long time. But I need to keep space between us until we can work on mending our fences and making the relationship work for both of us.

One of the gifts of recovery, for me, was to be able to do that. Being able to be kind to myself and allow myself to stay in the peace and safely of my own life is probably what saved my life and made it worth living again.

Prayers going out for all of you. Addiction truly is a family disease.

Hugs
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post

When the behaviour of other people affect me badly, I know I need to work on myself and distant myself from them, sometimes for a little while and sometimes for a long time.

One of the gifts of recovery, for me, was to be able to do that. Being able to be kind to myself and allow myself to stay in the peace and safely of my own life is probably what saved my life and made it worth living again.

Addiction truly is a family disease.
Thankyou Ann - I needed to read this today, IWTHxxx
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Old 10-02-2009, 08:07 AM
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Ugh...I'm sorry Trying2, really am. I identify with your situation completely.

It's difficult I know because you "do" want to be loved by a parent unconditionally as we think it should be, but unfortunately, some mothers are incapable as they are emotionally children themselves.

As Freedom mentions, I learned to parent myself and embrace the little girl deep within me. It IS possible. I learned that I am a much better Mother to myself than my Mother ever was, or is/was capable of ever being.

I'm sorry Trying2. Be the best Mom to yourself. What would you say to little Trying2 when she comes home crying explaining to Mom trying2 what just happened. Mom T2 would probably validate your hurt speaking softly, tell you that you have done nothing wrong and that you are sweet little girl that many people love and appreciate in their lives.
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Old 10-02-2009, 11:26 AM
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Thank you everyone; you all help me SO much. I feel understood when I post here. Today I've done two things for myself--

1.) I let myself sleep in because I was tired and,
2.) I ignored a call from my mother because I just don't feel like talking to her right now!

And it feels good to put me first.
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Old 10-02-2009, 12:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Trying2Fly View Post
Thank you everyone; you all help me SO much. I feel understood when I post here. Today I've done two things for myself--

1.) I let myself sleep in because I was tired and,
2.) I ignored a call from my mother because I just don't feel like talking to her right now!

And it feels good to put me first.

Go you
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:09 PM
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Well done.
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Old 10-02-2009, 01:48 PM
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I'm wondering....should I email my mother and express to her that I am keeping my distance because her anger is misplaced at me? I'm confused. I want her to know that one of my steps in my therapy is to learn to not let people treat me in a disrespectful way, as she is doing. But I wonder if simply cutting contact for now speaks louder than words. Any thoughts?
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:19 PM
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Parents raise their kids with whatever
knowledge they have to the best of
their ability.

My parents did that with me and my
siblings raising us with the best know-
ledge they had.

I did the same to my own kids and as
I look back, and i am grateful for the help
and guidance from the Man upstairs.

My 2 kids are gifts provided to me and
I for myself couldnt have succeeded with
out help from my recovery program, family
and faith in a Power greater than I to get
them to an awesome place in their lives
today.

As for my mom....she was abused as
a child and thus treated me the same
way. Child abuse sucks big time. It's
horrible. It's sad. It blows my mind how
any adult can physically, mentally,
verbally abuse any child no matter
what age they r.

I still find it hard to take my moms
inventory much less anyone elses
esp. if they r not here to defend
themselves.

All i know is even today as much
as I understand why my mom did
what she did to me, how much
I feared her, i still cant shake off
the anger i still feel inside for her
at times.

She will never change for as long
as i live or she is alive and that is
something i have to accept.

It is childesh behavior. But if one
is sick and sees no need to change
for the better then the childish
behavior remains.
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Old 10-02-2009, 02:19 PM
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Hi again T2,

I can tell you what I did in a similar situation.

I let it go until she contacted me and then told her that I was distancing myself from her for the time being. I felt that I wanted to feel the peace that came as a result of the decision and there really wasn't anything more that she needed to know. I was done with the Kafuffle and was moving past it.

I say enjoy yourself and your manicure. YAY
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Old 10-02-2009, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by Trying2Fly View Post
I'm wondering....should I email my mother and express to her that I am keeping my distance because her anger is misplaced at me? I'm confused. I want her to know that one of my steps in my therapy is to learn to not let people treat me in a disrespectful way, as she is doing. But I wonder if simply cutting contact for now speaks louder than words. Any thoughts?
I would ask myself what it is I wanted or expected from that email or conversation. Are you saying this hoping that your statement will result in changed behavior from her? Honestly, cutting off contact can be as simple as that - say nothing, do nothing. She'll figure it out on her own eventually.
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Old 10-02-2009, 04:29 PM
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I tried all my life to have some sort
of mother daughter relationship
with my mom and it has failed
every time.

Here I am 19 yrs sober, remarried
after a 25 yr marriage ended and
Im finally happy.

Thought id reach out to my mom
one more time recently to only get
knocked down again. Rejected.

That was it. I wash my hands of her
for good. Ive been burned one too
many times and enough is enough.

Put childish ways aside and grow
up already.
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Old 10-02-2009, 05:22 PM
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Hi-

Glad are are able to see it for what it is. Oh by the way just so ya know, facebook has been having some problems for about a week and the same thing happened to me and a couple of friends. So just in her defense - she might not have really did that. And when the request came through it had the date on it that I sent it so that's what makes me believe that. Keep coming back this place is wonderful!!
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