No contact
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 5
No contact
I am trying to go no contact with my ABF. I walked away two weeks ago but have carried on talking to him on the phone which just isn't helping anyone.
I work from home, don't have caller ID and can't block his number. I am currently just cutting the call when I realise it is him but I feel like I am being over dramatic by putting the phone down without saying anything. I also feel incredibly cruel although I know this is the right thing to do. Is there a better way to handle this? He is mostly ringing my mobile which I can monitor but the calls to my home/office number are difficult to cope with. I appreciate he will give up eventually but any advice for now would be gratefully received.
I work from home, don't have caller ID and can't block his number. I am currently just cutting the call when I realise it is him but I feel like I am being over dramatic by putting the phone down without saying anything. I also feel incredibly cruel although I know this is the right thing to do. Is there a better way to handle this? He is mostly ringing my mobile which I can monitor but the calls to my home/office number are difficult to cope with. I appreciate he will give up eventually but any advice for now would be gratefully received.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome Louise!
Thanks for taking the time to post and share.
When I went no contact with my X at the point of seperation, I still had to speak with him concerning our child and expenses. However, anytime he started quacking (guilt, blame, manipulation, or whine) I said "I'm not going to have that discussion with you, and I am hanging up now. Click"
State that you are not willing to speak with him and will be hanging up. Then quickly hang up.
You have a right to your peace and privacy. You are in control of which conversations you allow in your day/home/life!
Peace and hugs!
Thanks for taking the time to post and share.
When I went no contact with my X at the point of seperation, I still had to speak with him concerning our child and expenses. However, anytime he started quacking (guilt, blame, manipulation, or whine) I said "I'm not going to have that discussion with you, and I am hanging up now. Click"
State that you are not willing to speak with him and will be hanging up. Then quickly hang up.
You have a right to your peace and privacy. You are in control of which conversations you allow in your day/home/life!
Peace and hugs!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome to SR!!!
Please feel free to start a thread to tell us more of your journey up to this point. You will find an abundance of support and understanding from those who have been right where you are now and those who are working their way there.
I am in just about the same spot as you. I left my XABF two months ago and initially did stay in contact with him by phone. There were a few things to work out since I had to remove him from my accounts (insurance, phone etc) and I couldn't bring myself to go no contact at first. Over time, I realized that if I was to truly move on I would have to stop taking his calls. Thankfully, I have caller ID and use only my cell number for work and home. I work at home as well so it's a little easier to control how he can reach me. For a while he called multiple times a day and would leave a message every few days. He has not called for the last couple of days now so I am wondering if he has accepted that I am no longer going to be his safety net or if he has moved one to someone else finally.
You may have no choice but to change your number or pick up a caller ID box for your work line or an answering machine to screen the calls.
I do not think quietly putting the phone down when you realize it is him is wrong at all. Slamming the phone down is only going to get yourself worked up about it (I am not implying that you are only noting it). You are doing what you need to do to protect your own sanity. No explanation is needed whether he thinks so or not.
No contact is work and takes practice. This process is all about progress not perfection, so be extra patient with yourself.
Ever taught a pet a trick or potty trained a child?? Postivie reinforcement goes a long way. I keep a scratch pad and make a mark on it for every call I ignore from him. Cake or a chocolate is a big motivator for me. For each call I don't take from my XABF I get a treat, and it makes me actually wish a little that he'd call to I can hit the 'ignore' button on my cell phone. I'm up to a Jumbo Mr. Goodbar, and I'm quite pleased.
Good luck!!!
Alice
Please feel free to start a thread to tell us more of your journey up to this point. You will find an abundance of support and understanding from those who have been right where you are now and those who are working their way there.
I am in just about the same spot as you. I left my XABF two months ago and initially did stay in contact with him by phone. There were a few things to work out since I had to remove him from my accounts (insurance, phone etc) and I couldn't bring myself to go no contact at first. Over time, I realized that if I was to truly move on I would have to stop taking his calls. Thankfully, I have caller ID and use only my cell number for work and home. I work at home as well so it's a little easier to control how he can reach me. For a while he called multiple times a day and would leave a message every few days. He has not called for the last couple of days now so I am wondering if he has accepted that I am no longer going to be his safety net or if he has moved one to someone else finally.
You may have no choice but to change your number or pick up a caller ID box for your work line or an answering machine to screen the calls.
I do not think quietly putting the phone down when you realize it is him is wrong at all. Slamming the phone down is only going to get yourself worked up about it (I am not implying that you are only noting it). You are doing what you need to do to protect your own sanity. No explanation is needed whether he thinks so or not.
No contact is work and takes practice. This process is all about progress not perfection, so be extra patient with yourself.
Ever taught a pet a trick or potty trained a child?? Postivie reinforcement goes a long way. I keep a scratch pad and make a mark on it for every call I ignore from him. Cake or a chocolate is a big motivator for me. For each call I don't take from my XABF I get a treat, and it makes me actually wish a little that he'd call to I can hit the 'ignore' button on my cell phone. I'm up to a Jumbo Mr. Goodbar, and I'm quite pleased.
Good luck!!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by LouiseGreen 
I am trying to go no contact with my ABF. I walked away two weeks ago but have carried on talking to him on the phone which just isn't helping anyone.
I work from home, don't have caller ID and can't block his number.
I work from home, don't have caller ID and can't block his number.
And I agree 100%, continuing the interaction doesn't help you.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Caller ID was the best investment I ever made in my peace of mind. I made one phone call, and it was on in four hours, and my pain and stress levels went way down. (I work at home.)
Wishing you peace - whatever tools you need to get there
GL
Wishing you peace - whatever tools you need to get there
GL
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Welcome! Can I ask--does the ABF call you drunk? You could simply tell him, "it hurts and concerns me when you call me drunk, and my boundary is to not talk to you when you have been drinking." Then hang up. I know HOW DIFFICULT it is; it makes you feel guilty, sad, etc., but it will get easier and you are doing the right thing.
As for work--can you let the call go to voicemail? Can you find out if the company can block his number? Just thoughts.
Keep posting, and know that you are not alone. We all understand how you feel.
As for work--can you let the call go to voicemail? Can you find out if the company can block his number? Just thoughts.
Keep posting, and know that you are not alone. We all understand how you feel.
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