Sad - and I'm not talking about the seasons

Old 09-30-2009, 07:38 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
AstroGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 28
Sad - and I'm not talking about the seasons

I am feeling deep sadness, and it's family oriented, and perhaps even greater than that - universal. My sister is "passively suicidal." In the last two week I have "marshaled the forces" of my connections in the mental health community where I live, and we haves responded to her requests for help extending from body-work to therapy to house-cleaning. And I have also tried to be diligent in not directing her choices. Just pisses her off.

Last night, after a day of collaborative work with her to find a solution to her suicidal depression, she called me from the psych ward where she had checked into and said she would not stay. She was most upset because she couldn't read her book past 10:00 p.m.

So now she is on her own, passively suicidal, living in filth, and I feel once again, a fool-for having the egoic idea that I could help.

I know there is no solution for this kind of situation. I'm just writing it out for my own benefit and to get the experiene of those of you who have been here with their loved ones . . . it sucks and it is sad. End of story for tonight.
AstroGirl is offline  
Old 09-30-2009, 08:17 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
That's how I feel about my XAH. And it does suck, and it is tragic and sad. What helps me out is taking the focus off of him, and realizing that I truly have NO power over it, and therefore, it is A-OK with my higher power if I just let it go...I know, believe me, I know, how much it hurts to think about someone you love hurting that much, but....how long are you willing to be a hostage to it? I think our HP wants, for me and for you, to do for ourselves and let them do for themselves.
Mambo Queen is offline  
Old 10-01-2009, 02:54 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Jadmack25's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I often feel this way about my sister, who is a downright misery bags, has attempted suicide 3 times, and who can demolish a bottle of wine quicker than a blink.

She has been sober for 5 months now, but even going to London for her only daughter's wedding didn't bring her any joy, and she almost didn't go.

One part of me is hurting for how she is and always has been, for all the happiness she has missed out on. Another part of me itches to plant my foot in her rear end.

As my mum says "she has always be this way and I doubt she will ever change, so we just have to accept that this is who she is."

Doesn't stop me praying for healing for her. That is all I can do, so do as well as I can.

God bless
Jadmack25 is offline  
Old 10-01-2009, 06:51 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
GiveLove's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It was really hard for me to let my sisters live their own life, even when I could clearly see that they were heading in very dangerous directions.

You are not a fool. It is not foolish to try to help. We all commit the crime of hope. Try not to compound the "clean pain" of being sad about your sister's choices with the "dirty pain" of made-up scenarios where you should be able to save her from herself.

Clean pain = "I love her and want her to get better, but she is not choosing that, and so I am deeply saddened by that."

Dirty pain = "I should've been able to say or do something differently, and then magically she would be better. I am a failure. It's my fault."

Staying in the clean pain is still hard, but not nearly as hard as dirty pain. We are not gods and goddesses, who can control the path of another.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It was misery to go through this myself with my two older sisters...but there is life beyond it.

Hugs and strength to you to live your own life, and let your sister live hers, sad as it may seem to you.
GiveLove is offline  
Old 10-01-2009, 08:41 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Somewhere, our planet
Posts: 174
Oh, you have no idea how much I relate to your post. I truly feel your pain (my sister is a depressive suicidal alcoholic). You said it--we can really do nothing to help remove the pain from our loved ones' lives--only they can save themselves. And that is SO FRUSTRATING sometimes. And sad. If I could count the times I've tried to help my sister... Know that you are not alone and keep posting. Sending you hugs.
Trying2Fly is offline  
Old 10-07-2009, 06:10 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
AstroGirl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 28
Mmm . . . I'm just absorbing deeply the wisdom and support and understanding from you ALL, with much appreciation. My sadness feels pretty clean, but I love having the comparative description and the words that go with it. Thanks, GL, and also, thanks for "the crime of hope." Very moving phrase to me.

And Jad, ditto re the foot, et al. You all help me to remember and be okay with and even embrace the fact that this is how life is. Reminds of what a good friend of mine from India often says . . . "ahhh, this is this."

I'm better today and have found ways to do what needed to be done for my sister in ways that honor reality a little more than I was for a few days there. Thanks for the hugs, and sending them back to each of you.

I can even smile about it all when I think of Bruce Cockburn's song, "The Trouble With Normal Is It Always Gets Worse." Oy vey!
AstroGirl is offline  
Old 10-07-2009, 06:29 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: home
Posts: 10
I feel deep sorrow almost daily for my sisters. One is so filled with anger that it eminates from her and prevents her from moving forward in life. She learned it from my mother. My other sister has always been considered the "responsible" one in the family. She is now 34 years old and can't even decide what outfit to wear today without consulting my mother. Both desparately want husbands and children but they are so wrapped up in my mother that it has caused them to lose or end relationships with guys that they were truly in love with. It saddens me that they've made it to their mid-30's and still have the same relationship that they had with my mother at 12. I on the other hand can barely stomach a converstation with my mother (but that's another story). This post is a great help because I rarely talk about this even with my own husband. I often feel very alone with this because it seems like every one else around me has normal families where everyone has their own life. Thanks for letting me vent.
peggy125 is offline  
Old 10-07-2009, 06:55 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Me, too. My brother, age 45, got his very FIRST apartment a few months ago. I was so hopeful for and proud of him but he moved back in with my parents today, and is having a schizophrenic episode. Makes me want to cry. Sometimes I feel so guilty because I KNOW that it could have been ANY ONE of us kids that got the illness he got, but it wasn't; it was him. It feels so unfair.
Learn2Live is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:50 PM.