new to al-anon
 

I was married twice, both were alcoholics. My daughter is 30. Her father was my second husband. She lived with her father from age 15 to 19 and he abused her psychologically and sexually. She has a boyfirend who is an alcoholic and does cocaine. They had a five year relationship and she lived with him part of that time. They just broke up last month and she was starting to realize how destrucutve and abusive the relationship was. However, the boyfriend's mother called her and said that the family wants to do an intervention. Now instead of putting this behind her she is obsessing about how he will be OK after he is off of substances and they will get back together. She is so fragile now. I am worried about her. Can't sleep.

Hello Virgo and welcome.

Unfortunately, codependency is just as difficult to get someone to recognize in themselves as drug abuse. I've never heard of anyone doing an intervention on a codie, though. Isn't that ironic?

If she'll listen, I would suggest alanon meetings. So often, interventions don't work. Or, they work to get the person to treatment, but the treatment doesn't work because their heart isn't in it. This can be really crushing for someone like your daughter if they don't know it's coming. I certainly understand why you are worried. However, just like you couldn't change those two alcoholic husbands, you probably can't wake your daughter up either.

With your background, do you or have you attended alanon? Do you live close enough to your daughter to invite her to accompany you to meetings?

I'm glad you joined us. Keep posting!

Hugs,
Smoke

The intervention would be on the boyfriend, not on my daughter. I feel that boyfriend's mother is trying to keep my daughter involved with her son. I'm sure the mother knows the intervention may not be successful. The mother has been going to al-anon for 20 years. My daughter and I are going to al-anon together on Thursday night. I realize that my psychological codependant patterns have not been a good example for her. I have not had any relationships since my last marriage because I could not trust myself to pick a non-alcoholic.

Virgo

I too want to welcome you and suggest Al-Anon meetings for you and your daughter.

I shudder to think where I might be today if I had not found my program. And without addressing our own issues, we tend to fall into continued bad relationships.

Sending hugs and prayers for both of you.

Hugs
Ann

Hi Virgo.

I realize the intervention is for him, not her. My point was rather that interventions that don't succeed can be devastating for the loved ones that try to stage them, and it's interesting that no one intervenes to stop the interventions (or other self destructive codie behavior) sometimes.

I'm glad you're already attending alanon. I hope your daughter gets a lot of meetings under her belt before she participates in this, if she's bound and determined. And IF she's bound and determined, all you can do is let go... just like with an alcoholic.

Hugs!

Hi, just wanted to say welcome. I'm new too so I will hold off on any advice just yet ... :)

Thanks for all the replys and support. I will let you know how the al-anon meeting on Thursday goes. What is a codie?