Nothing is ever their fault
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 14
Nothing is ever their fault
So here's the conversation from earlier tonight between me and my A and pot smoking husband:
He: I notice that every day when I get home from work there's a different car parked in front of the house
I: Sooo? Probably our neighbors friends or somebody
He: Yeah, I know these friends who come and stay for 5 minutes. He's dealing from our house! (We live in the 2 apartment house)
I: I don't know anything about his dealing and he does have friends with cars. Besides you sometimes buy pot from him too
He: Well this is different, I've known him for a long time. Don't you know what's gonna happen when the police comes to bust him?
I: Eee, he gets arrested when they find anything?
He: They're going to come and search our apartment too!!!
I: Why would they do that and don't they need the warrant for that?
He: They can get the warrant like that (and snaps his fingers)
I: On what basis I wonder
He: This town is so corrupted that they don't even need a reason. And then they're gonna bust me too, because I have some weed in the house
I: Yep
He: Yep? There's gonna be child services here!!!
I: Aand?
He: Are you crazy, they're gonna take the child!
I: Why I wonder?
He: Because they'll find weed in the house
I: Exactly
He: ???
I: I don't smoke any weed or do anything. I can pee in the cup like Dr. House in the middle of the room if I need to, and they won't find anything in my pee because there isn't anything
He: So I will get all the blame?
I: Yep
He: So if I get busted because our stupid neighbor you would hold me responsible???
I: Yep, you're the one who has weed in our house
He: WHAT???
I: Well you're the one who's endangering your family by having illegal stuff in the house
He: Oh I'm gonna go and have the talk with him now when I know that my wife will hold me responsible for his s... This bs has to end!
I: Shouldn't you be doing something about your weed in our house instead?
So he storms out to smoke a cigarette, comes back in 20 minutes and asks: So you really would think it is my fault when I get arrested because of him???
I: If you would get arrested, it would be because of you, not him
He didn't think so though.
Isn't it funny how nothing ever was, is or would be their fault...
He: I notice that every day when I get home from work there's a different car parked in front of the house
I: Sooo? Probably our neighbors friends or somebody
He: Yeah, I know these friends who come and stay for 5 minutes. He's dealing from our house! (We live in the 2 apartment house)
I: I don't know anything about his dealing and he does have friends with cars. Besides you sometimes buy pot from him too
He: Well this is different, I've known him for a long time. Don't you know what's gonna happen when the police comes to bust him?
I: Eee, he gets arrested when they find anything?
He: They're going to come and search our apartment too!!!
I: Why would they do that and don't they need the warrant for that?
He: They can get the warrant like that (and snaps his fingers)
I: On what basis I wonder
He: This town is so corrupted that they don't even need a reason. And then they're gonna bust me too, because I have some weed in the house
I: Yep
He: Yep? There's gonna be child services here!!!
I: Aand?
He: Are you crazy, they're gonna take the child!
I: Why I wonder?
He: Because they'll find weed in the house
I: Exactly
He: ???
I: I don't smoke any weed or do anything. I can pee in the cup like Dr. House in the middle of the room if I need to, and they won't find anything in my pee because there isn't anything
He: So I will get all the blame?
I: Yep
He: So if I get busted because our stupid neighbor you would hold me responsible???
I: Yep, you're the one who has weed in our house
He: WHAT???
I: Well you're the one who's endangering your family by having illegal stuff in the house
He: Oh I'm gonna go and have the talk with him now when I know that my wife will hold me responsible for his s... This bs has to end!
I: Shouldn't you be doing something about your weed in our house instead?
So he storms out to smoke a cigarette, comes back in 20 minutes and asks: So you really would think it is my fault when I get arrested because of him???
I: If you would get arrested, it would be because of you, not him
He didn't think so though.
Isn't it funny how nothing ever was, is or would be their fault...
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Well, it certainly isn't your fault about what he is doing but I'm not so sure that if drugs are found in your home....that you wouldn't be or couldn't be charged with possession.
It's happened to a few people that I know of...and it won't matter if the urine is clean or not. It's not the same thing as being pulled over for DUI....like they say "possession is 9/10's of the law". Pot in the car or home, makes the owner/resident liable and a clean test means nothing. Please be careful.
It's happened to a few people that I know of...and it won't matter if the urine is clean or not. It's not the same thing as being pulled over for DUI....like they say "possession is 9/10's of the law". Pot in the car or home, makes the owner/resident liable and a clean test means nothing. Please be careful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
I think the actual charge is called "possession"
So he gets busted because the downstairs neighbor is dealing, and it's not his fault, it's the neighbors fault for dealing, who's fault is it if you get busted for possession on marijuana in your house?
his?
just something to think about
So he gets busted because the downstairs neighbor is dealing, and it's not his fault, it's the neighbors fault for dealing, who's fault is it if you get busted for possession on marijuana in your house?
his?
just something to think about
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 14
Oh I know it's very serious. My "naive" questions were only to direct him to the understanding what might happen because of his choices and actions.
Now it's 1.20 am and he just got home from the bar. Left after our conversation because "couple of his old diving buddies-treasure divers" are in town for tonight and he needed to talk business with them. In the bar of course and he already had had a 6-pack after work and indeed he was driving there. Now he's sitting out on the porch, wasted, and I just heard him opening the beer can. How I've become to hate that sound.
Now it's 1.20 am and he just got home from the bar. Left after our conversation because "couple of his old diving buddies-treasure divers" are in town for tonight and he needed to talk business with them. In the bar of course and he already had had a 6-pack after work and indeed he was driving there. Now he's sitting out on the porch, wasted, and I just heard him opening the beer can. How I've become to hate that sound.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
My "naive" questions were only to direct him to the understanding what might happen because of his choices and actions.
Mine were to direct you to the understanding of what might happen to you because of your choices and actions
just something we frequently miss if our attention is "over there"
If you get busted for having pot in your house what are the consequences?
"It's not mine" doesn't work as a defense when pot is in YOUR house by the way.
By the way, maybe it's because I am from CA but I don't consider a small amount of pot in the house as very important, I am just pointing out that your thinking and excuses are identical to his, you are so busy trying to get him to see the consequences of his actions you completely seem to miss the fact that you are not looking at the possibility you may get busted too.
So, if you get busted, will it be his fault? Will you get angry at him? Just like he gets angry at the guy downstairs if he gets busted and beats his chest about how 'wronged" he was, How will you react to getting busted? By blaming him or allowing for the fact that you allowed pot in your house where your children live?
Who's fault will it be if CPS actually does take the children away?
His for having the pot in the house or yours for allowing it?
or both of you, his for having it and you for failing to protect your children?
At what point does the protection of your children become your responsibility?
what was the quote you used?
Well you're the one who's endangering your family by having illegal stuff in the house
Have you considered attending alanon to get support?
Or thought about reading "Getting Them Sober" or "Codependent No More?"
They are very helpful
Member
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: Washington State
Posts: 75
First off I hate the sound of a can of beer opening. Hate it.
Secondly, the first time I smelled pot I thought, Oh, that's what Dad's garage smelled like. I think he spent my childhood stoned, that would explain a lot.
Thirdly, when I was hit with a medical crisis out of nowhere (car crash with fatality, no one's fault) I spent over two years smoking pot every day. Dad did it, it can't really be considered a bad drug can it?
It's kind of sad to not be fully present for life. To be in the shadow of a substance that supposedly keeps you from having to cope with stress, but really just keeps you numb, and keeps you from feeling really alive in a good way. It's your house, and your kids are also hearing the sound of that can opening. I wonder if they hate that sound too?
Secondly, the first time I smelled pot I thought, Oh, that's what Dad's garage smelled like. I think he spent my childhood stoned, that would explain a lot.
Thirdly, when I was hit with a medical crisis out of nowhere (car crash with fatality, no one's fault) I spent over two years smoking pot every day. Dad did it, it can't really be considered a bad drug can it?
It's kind of sad to not be fully present for life. To be in the shadow of a substance that supposedly keeps you from having to cope with stress, but really just keeps you numb, and keeps you from feeling really alive in a good way. It's your house, and your kids are also hearing the sound of that can opening. I wonder if they hate that sound too?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: LA - Lower Alabama
Posts: 5,068
Beatrix,
Ago totally nailed it. The cops and CPS do not give a damn that it is his pot. They will arrest both of you and if child endangerment is going on CPS will be there. Having more people to arrest and more children in the system is just job security for these folks.
Get the pot out of the house, now.
Ago totally nailed it. The cops and CPS do not give a damn that it is his pot. They will arrest both of you and if child endangerment is going on CPS will be there. Having more people to arrest and more children in the system is just job security for these folks.
Get the pot out of the house, now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 14
No, I'm getting myself out of the house now.
Ok, here's my situation. We live on a freakin' small tourist island, which I've become to hate and sometimes I feel I'm the only one here who doesn't do drugs or get drunk every day. My only option to move right now is to go to Chicago to my cousin and this is 1200 miles away. So naturally it's gonna take money, either I fly and get my stuff shipped or I rent a car and drive which is frightening idea with a 2 year old. But it's doable. I went to Europe for a whole summer to be with my family. I was really happy there, nobody gets drunk, nobody gets angry and breaks things, everybody has time for each other. A week after I left, I was talking to AH in MSN, it was Sunday night, he was ranting and raving about something so I realised he had been drinking all day long and was drunk and angry. So I didn't even get into the discussion with him, just short answers. But somehow I still said something that set him off and he said: have a good f... vacation and went offline. And never came back online again. Then I got email from my neighbor, "the drug dealers" wife, she said that my AH had literally thrown my laptop out of the house, into pieces. MY laptop, which I only left there for him to pay the bills. He called me two days later, crying how sorry he was, never saying anything about the computer. A week later he mentioned that my computer broke, but it was old anyway, probably outdated etc. At that point I didn't even care anymore, I was too happy to get into it with him, so only a month later I confronted him about the computer and he was really surprised that I knew. So he got me a new one, which his brother picked out for me and his parents payed for. (And I have the old one's hard drive, I hope somebody's gonna be able to get all the files from there.) And I kept hearing how he smokes a pack of cigarettes a week instead of a day and how he drinks only 2 beers a night and how this whole computer thing opened his eyes and he has changes his life. And you kinda start believing what you want to believe, so I came back. We didn't get off with a good start though. After 3 airplanes and being on the "road" for 20 hours with a 2 year old, I waited for him 45 minutes in the airport because he didn't leave early enough to be there on time. He gets there, I start putting our daughter into the car - there's no car seat. He FORGOT. How is this even possible??? So we drove 150 miles with the baby sleeping on the back seat, I was exhausted but too scared to fall asleep. When we got home, everything was the mess of course. And it has been steady six pack every night and 12 pack on weekends. And a beer in the morning before he goes to work. I talked to his father a couple of days ago, he is a huge authority for AH. I told him what's going on, he was surprised because he keeps hearing how my AH doesn't drink at all. I have my AH parents full support whatever I decide to do. I haven't told anything to my parents, they would worry themselves to sick and wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. Only my sister knows and she wants me to get out of here naturally.
I've been feeling kinda stuck here, almost like waiting for a big bang that would give me a justified and good reason to leave. I know it's all in my head, because I already have a hundred reasons for that.
This morning I woke up and came out from the bedroom only to find him sleeping on the couch. And the smell in the living room! I asked why he was not at work, the reason was that it was raining. How convenient that it was raining exactly the day when he must have had a massive hangover form getting wasted last night. I was called a bitch and other things like that and he stormed out. Just now he got back, slammed the divorce papers on the table and took off again. This is terrifying actually, because I can't afford a lawyer and there is no way I would even leave him home alone with our daughter, not even speaking about joint custody or even unsupervised visits. It might be that he doesn't even want any custody though. In the past he has repeatedly yelled me how I've ruined his life with having a baby and he never actually have taken care in any way of the baby. So now I have lots of thinking to do how I'm going to get myself and out daughter out of this mess...
Ok, here's my situation. We live on a freakin' small tourist island, which I've become to hate and sometimes I feel I'm the only one here who doesn't do drugs or get drunk every day. My only option to move right now is to go to Chicago to my cousin and this is 1200 miles away. So naturally it's gonna take money, either I fly and get my stuff shipped or I rent a car and drive which is frightening idea with a 2 year old. But it's doable. I went to Europe for a whole summer to be with my family. I was really happy there, nobody gets drunk, nobody gets angry and breaks things, everybody has time for each other. A week after I left, I was talking to AH in MSN, it was Sunday night, he was ranting and raving about something so I realised he had been drinking all day long and was drunk and angry. So I didn't even get into the discussion with him, just short answers. But somehow I still said something that set him off and he said: have a good f... vacation and went offline. And never came back online again. Then I got email from my neighbor, "the drug dealers" wife, she said that my AH had literally thrown my laptop out of the house, into pieces. MY laptop, which I only left there for him to pay the bills. He called me two days later, crying how sorry he was, never saying anything about the computer. A week later he mentioned that my computer broke, but it was old anyway, probably outdated etc. At that point I didn't even care anymore, I was too happy to get into it with him, so only a month later I confronted him about the computer and he was really surprised that I knew. So he got me a new one, which his brother picked out for me and his parents payed for. (And I have the old one's hard drive, I hope somebody's gonna be able to get all the files from there.) And I kept hearing how he smokes a pack of cigarettes a week instead of a day and how he drinks only 2 beers a night and how this whole computer thing opened his eyes and he has changes his life. And you kinda start believing what you want to believe, so I came back. We didn't get off with a good start though. After 3 airplanes and being on the "road" for 20 hours with a 2 year old, I waited for him 45 minutes in the airport because he didn't leave early enough to be there on time. He gets there, I start putting our daughter into the car - there's no car seat. He FORGOT. How is this even possible??? So we drove 150 miles with the baby sleeping on the back seat, I was exhausted but too scared to fall asleep. When we got home, everything was the mess of course. And it has been steady six pack every night and 12 pack on weekends. And a beer in the morning before he goes to work. I talked to his father a couple of days ago, he is a huge authority for AH. I told him what's going on, he was surprised because he keeps hearing how my AH doesn't drink at all. I have my AH parents full support whatever I decide to do. I haven't told anything to my parents, they would worry themselves to sick and wouldn't be able to do anything anyway. Only my sister knows and she wants me to get out of here naturally.
I've been feeling kinda stuck here, almost like waiting for a big bang that would give me a justified and good reason to leave. I know it's all in my head, because I already have a hundred reasons for that.
This morning I woke up and came out from the bedroom only to find him sleeping on the couch. And the smell in the living room! I asked why he was not at work, the reason was that it was raining. How convenient that it was raining exactly the day when he must have had a massive hangover form getting wasted last night. I was called a bitch and other things like that and he stormed out. Just now he got back, slammed the divorce papers on the table and took off again. This is terrifying actually, because I can't afford a lawyer and there is no way I would even leave him home alone with our daughter, not even speaking about joint custody or even unsupervised visits. It might be that he doesn't even want any custody though. In the past he has repeatedly yelled me how I've ruined his life with having a baby and he never actually have taken care in any way of the baby. So now I have lots of thinking to do how I'm going to get myself and out daughter out of this mess...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Beatrix, I hope you can get away from this madness very, very soon.
Would your AH's parents be willing and able to help you and their grand-daughter to leave.
As for him yelling about YOU and baby ruining his life, WHAT LIFE?
He calls what he has a LIFE. I call it a f**ked up hell, for everybody.
Chicago sounds good, but then just about anywhere he isn't, sounds very good.
God bless
Would your AH's parents be willing and able to help you and their grand-daughter to leave.
As for him yelling about YOU and baby ruining his life, WHAT LIFE?
He calls what he has a LIFE. I call it a f**ked up hell, for everybody.
Chicago sounds good, but then just about anywhere he isn't, sounds very good.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
I've been feeling kinda stuck here, almost like waiting for a big bang that would give me a justified and good reason to leave. I know it's all in my head, because I already have a hundred reasons for that.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 177
I wound up in the hospital after living with my XABF. I couldn't figure out why I was there until the nurse gave me a pamphlet on domestic violence. It was from verbal and emotional abuse. It was the effects of gaslighting.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I wonder if they hate that sound too?
I hated that sound growing up. And I remember it at a young age. That and the sound of ice in a glass. YUK! And the sound of my parents arguing....and well all the memorable stuff that came w/ growing up with an alcoholic father.
Good luck getting out beatrix...one day at a time with a little plan and you'll move forward!
peace,
b
I hated that sound growing up. And I remember it at a young age. That and the sound of ice in a glass. YUK! And the sound of my parents arguing....and well all the memorable stuff that came w/ growing up with an alcoholic father.
Good luck getting out beatrix...one day at a time with a little plan and you'll move forward!
peace,
b
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
