MeHandle

A few things:

I went for my elder meeting. He told me i wasn't broken enough. If i understood right it appears he believes that divorce happens because 2 people make for a broken marriage. I was deciding whether I should meet with him again as he told me to set up am appointment if i wanted. I decided i was going to leave it alone as i would have only met to confront this as telling me I should go into divorce recovery and that i wasn't broken enough was not helpful ( except to know why someone needs to right the book about a work in the shoes to those of us married to the alcoholic), as he doesn't understand. ALL other things could have been worked out in my marriage, my stuff, his stuff, everyone has stuff. I am divorcing him because of alcoholism and what comes because of that. The choice to divorce is because of one person that has drank numerous years in a marriage. Yet he agreed that proceeding with divorce was understandable because of my husband actions and behaviors.

I always use this example to help clarify so people might get it( but i didn't bother):If a woman was being beaten physically by her husband would you tell her that it takes 2 to have a broken marriage and that she has a victim mentality and is not broken enough if she doesn't see that her imperfect behaviors didn't lead to the divorce too? Or would you tell her that she somehow was also at blame too? What would you say she was at blame for, or how is she not broken enough?

I did the divorce papers on line as we have agreed and the online papers would have been ready to go today. i didn't push the button...because...... my son was suppose to have a 'bump' surgically removed today. the doctor didn't remove it as it wasn't what he thought. Instead he took a biopsy. the results come back tomorrow.My son is 20 and very scared as am I. It also happens because he is not in school full time he can't be under our insurance and doesn't have a job with insurance so he is not insured. So i didn't push the button.....

Pelican

((((Tammy))))

I have always admired your faith, your patience, your serenity, your journey and your loving-kindness.

I'm sorry your meeting with the elder was not what you had hoped.

We understand living with addiction. We have walked in your shoes. What else are you feeling right now?

Keep us posted on your son.

Love and hugs!

Peaches04

Special prayers to you and your son - please keep us posted! Not another thought about not pushing the button.. it will still be there tomorrow, or the next day, or whenevery your ready. You sound like you have other things requiring your attention right now - first things first. Again - best wishes with the results for your son!

Jadmack25

My prayers for you and your son my dear. Also for you to be given the right person to support you, as the elder you saw obviously hadn't a clue what you had been thru.

Hey, button will still be there to push when you get your son's results and finish whatever business needs doing first. No hassles with God in charge.

God bless you both

MeHandle

The update is that the doctor told us tuesday that the testing didn't show any cancer cells , however, the testing was not complete and the doctor would call back in a few days when it was completed. Well my son called today because the doctor hadn't gotten back t him. He told my son that the results he was given were incomplete as the lab doctor doing the biopsy had never saw anything like it before so he had to send it out for someone else to look at it. So, they told my son it would be another week.

My son says he is doing okay. I believe it is because He is seeing God at work. The hospital is paying for everything , the doctor isn't charging anything, and the surgical nurse at my sons head, when they discovered it was a tumor, said to him " I will be praying that is is only a bump G." He told me it is obvious that God is watching out for him no matter what happens.

Me.... i have no hope but Christ. i trust him with my sons life no matter what. However, I am praying that he rescues his life of cancer. With a another week to wait the anxiousness hit me today, but i will be surrendering that to God in prayer and enjoying my son this week instead.:-) i am also not feeling as scared as i have been watching God rescue my son and that also me and my family in many ways too.

And i will take prayers for not having an anxious heart and for my sons heal. Scripture says we don't have because we don't ask. so i am asking, and thank you, as i know some here will be praying..... thank you.

As to the elder meeting, it wasn't exactly that it didn't go as i hoped, it is more that it wasn't what i expected. He was the one saying," we want to help you through this." i didn't expect him to tell me to go to divorce recovery , ummmm.... so I could deal in healthy ways in the future with intimate relationships. I shared with him becasue of how he viewed things i said that I think he might be making a lot of assumptions and also informed him that abuse throws off the balance. i explained i don't have a victim mentallity and that alcohol abuse start with AH abusing himself, therefore that behavior reaches others. In my head I wanted to say: AH has a victim mentality, it is one of his excuses for drinking! However, i realized that whatever i said was being viewed through an aprior position that I have a responsibility in this divorce and a victim mentality. I had to leave it as he doesn't get it. However, :-), i did tell him about a book that shares my views on marriage and what i tried to live out in my marriage, however, it was impossible as marriage takes 2 people engaging. ( again, abuse throws of the balance as drunk people don't engage normal behavior.)

About the divorce papers: thanks gang, and will be getting back to them. In my head as i went through the senerio if my son does have cancer does this mean I should stay as I could live with him just as a beer alcoholic becasue as a beer drunk he is much different then a few months ago as a vodka drunk. However, that was quickly answered me. Here is the Order of Events: AH told me he was quitting drinking sunday(this was before we knew son's minor surgery would discover a tumor and I said nicely when he told me "that's good AH"), son's surgery and news the it was a tumor was monday, AH knew tuesday we were going to the doctor to get the results( well thought we would get them) , when we got home AH was already 'drunk'. In my head I was saying: even if, even if you didn't 'try' and quit I would think you would have held off your beers until we returned from the doctor's office as you AH had no idea what we might have told you the results were. So, I just thought it and instead just told him the facts of the conversation with the doctor and left him in the garage.

And yes that was suppose to be 'walk in our shoes' not work.

love tammy

ICant

Hi tammy. I am sending prayers for your son. I was thinking about a similar issue about how it takes two people present in a marriage to even think about working on it. Whilst my husband was drinking I did everything to make the marriage better - at first: losing weight (roll eyes, yes somehow I thought that would help), spending heaps of time doing the things he wanted to do, keeping the house clean, agreeing to his way of doing things, organising babysitting so we could go on dates, later on: counselling for me, not engaging in arguments, trying to be more understanding of his addiction... NONE of it had any effect because an addict has one priority.

The twist has been that when I made arrangements to leave he went to AA and something kicked in and he has been sober for 9 months. Even then it is not automatically a happy ending. I (we) have had to repeat all the work on the marriage again to try and reconnect with him because the other time didn't count with him being drunk throughout it.


Beer drunk vs vodka drunk. Substitute vodka for bourbon and you have my husband. I know what you mean but we both know it won't take long before beer turns into vodka.

intheknow

If I had a dollar for all the times that I heard AH say..."if I just drink beer I will be fine, it's the vodka, rum, whiskey, shots, etc, that make me mean. I can control myself when I drink beer."

Is a case of beer in one sitting control?! And in the end he still got nasty, falling down, name calling, drunk off his keister. Didn't matter what it was that he drank anyway.

MeHandle

Thanks you again!!!!

Yes beer drinking is still a problem. Drunk , history and his present views on what is relationally okay for a marriage is a problem period. And i am not a live and let live person for a marriage. However, it crossed my mind because of my son.

While there are patterns, all alcoholics are different and have patterns similar to them. My AH went to vodka to hide his drinking . After i asked for the divorce he got really stupid with his vodka consumption. Then he went to just beer, as he told me, he no longer was hiding his drinking so no need for the vodka ( and physically he didn't have to suffer when he gave up the vodka and kept drinking beer). His choice of poison is beer. He told me he will not go back to vodka as he knows how crazy it makes him and was getting worse. I believe him for a lot of reasons. I too asked him what makes him think he won't go back to vodka . He told me he doesn't like it, never did, don't like the affects and isn't hiding anymore. He also told me he likes beer and of course he minimizes the problem with still drinking beer. I told him it isn't that he 'likes' beer, he still drinks to get drunk. He told me i was right and admitted to wanting to get drunk.

My AH since not drinking vodka if back to his pattern of being a beer drinker: cleans, does laundry ALL the time( doesn't stay up in the middle of the night all weekend doing it so he can hide vodka drinking and then sleep the day hours away.) Sleeps a lot less. He is making up his 'lost' time for all the things in the house that were let go: He comes home from work and fixes things, spends his weekend doing work around the house, is painting, cleaned the garage, does dishes, goes shopping for what he needs, runs errands ( before he starts drinking) and then does his thing and goes in the garage to drink a beer and goes back to accomplishing something. Crap, he out functions me is 'doing' thinks. But relationally, the priority of marriage and parenting, he doesn't even understand that the 'issues' with that will never change as long as he is active and not working on his stinkin thinkin. He sleeps waaaaaaaaaay less. He also is not calling out resentments( hardly) anymore or blaming. ( at least not out loud.)

I am not making any excuses for him, these are just the facts as the kind of 'functioning' he maintains as a beer drinking alcoholic. My neighbor's next door that talk with him, see him and his 'activities' think I am overreacting and am wrong to divorce him as he is such a hard working nice man and everyone has 'problems' with their partners sometimes.

the big however.... he still is drinking, getting drunk and the days he 'tries' to quit last about 2 and he refuses to get help from a doctor or other people. As soon as the shakes start, he drinks. The changes that needed to happen never happened. So for me, if nothing changes, nothing changes. He can go to work, pay bills, do ALL the cleaning till the cows come home, but presently drinking remains and the loss in history is not recognized so nothing has changed that can make a difference for a trusting relational marriage.

Thanks for letting me journal out loud too. :-}

with thanks, tammy

And because of our history I cannot be married to someone i love just as a brother, like a brother. Because of who he is I can't help but love him but it is love and concern towards someone who is like my brother, not my husband.

nordicwalker

Hang in there Tammy, seems like all things are coming at once as they often do!
We are all thinking of you, let us know for your son,maybe this scare is just to help you with your choices and to focus everyone and their priorities (sorry if that is a bit easy to say and not to live!).
And if you just want to shout things here to feel better, you are allowed to do that you know! Sometimes I feel we are all far too civilised and "understanding" here when we write! For example if things happen one after the other making situations more and more difficult to live we should scream first, about underwear,toilettes,other basketball teams etc, beforewe accept these things and try to understand why!
Hope you are ok
Love
Nordicwalker!!!!!

Still Waters

I'll be praying for healing for your son Tammy. Gods blessings.

MeHandle

OKay, not cancer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:-) My son's spirit is very good!!!

It is a nerve tumor,schwannoma, they are rare and it appears a neurosurgeon is suppose to remove it. Because it is in the nerve sheath there are higher percentages to permanent damages as in pain, paralyzed area or numbness related to the nerves.

I will have a few questions for the doctor though as some writing say biopsy is not the best way to find out what you need to know about this tumor, mri is. (which is already scheduled) However, my biggest question will be related to the cancer question as articles talk about where they find this tumor on the body relates to benign or malignant. His is one of the 3 places where they are most often found to be malignant. These tumor are most often benign.

Hey , but anyone who wants too, feel free to join me in asking God to just straight out heal him.:-) I trust God no matter what way but it would be awesome to see a miracle.

And as to everything coming at once, Mr. nordicwalker knows a bit more about the other things in my life that have come close together. I just don't write about them here. Other recent thing was my mother who lives with me. Heart surgery, she got a stint because she couldn't handle open heart. ( She is doing great.)Then there was the car accident with the teenage son.( Just a totaled car, he was fine.) Then buying the replacement car about 3 weeks ago. I do not find buying a used car an enjoyable process, with 3 sons at my side, soooooo I got what i wanted and i drive this car. mitsubishi 2003 eclipse....what an engine :-)

Then there is my sister, in a lot of physical pain, getting high on meds already and denying it. The solution on that was easy, detach !!!!!!! The secondary issue, which becomes a primary issue because my mom lives with me, is back to boundaries with my mom in regards to my sister. Example: sister called yesterday and asked my mom for money, phone conversation turned into a yelling match between them. I had to tell my mom it was not happening, that the household is not going to have to deal with her behavior on the phone and to end the call.

I found out this week at work they are adding 19 more stores to my driving route. For now I will view the bright side of this....overtime???

I am going to wait some more on pressing the button on the divorce papers. I want to to available to the one who needs his mom right now.

MeHandle

Second opinion said my son needed a neurosurgeon but none would do it without insurance. So, the original Dr. is going to do it the day after thanksgiving. Relieved.... :-)

I also hope to get my divorce paper work done this week or next. It is time. i am hoping I have finished the mourning process already with just the intention and planning of the divorce. I am not interested in another round of grieving.

Please pray for the hand of Dr. Rosenbloom and my son for the surgery on friday as while he is the go to doctor for cancer and tumors he hasn't removed a schwannoma from a nerve and is not a neurosurgeon and my sons tumor is bigger then this kind of tumor usually grows. While i am sharing... this son is also O- and has a slight heart murmur. Oh all my children he is the one I would always be most concerned about not having insurance. Anyways, being put under is more of a risk with a heart murmur. Will take prayer for the Anestegiologist too.:-) thanks bunches!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!