Staying un-muddled
 

So far I've been doign well with my boundary of not having personal discussions with my husband; we've been separated for a little over a month now. We talk about the kids only, by agreement. He will occasionally try to delve into other areas of conversation, I posted before about him trying to assign mood and intent to my tone and ask me why I'm angry/upset/whatever. I'm just not engaging with him on it, and it seems to be working, at least for ME.

What he's been doing, instead, is calling a couple of my close friends and talking with them about me. He has been tellin gthem how miserable he is, how he is suicidal, asking them over and over if I have a boyfriend, if there is another man involved (because if he could blame the split on that, then he doesn't have to fact up to his part in the end of the marriage). I was really upset and anxious about this for a few days, wanted to call him and confront him with it and ask him to stop doing it. I didn't though. I didn't engage with him on it at all. He's free to talk to anyone he wants to. I did tell my friends that it was fine with me if they wished to talk with him and fine also if they did not, but to please not "report" their conversations with him to me as I didn't find that helpful in my recovery.

Where I'm stuck at is in being afraid to make that next step, to say for sure that the relationship is truly over and in making it a formal thing - filing for divorce or legal separation. I guess there is no hurry to do that; is there? I'm also afraid of his reaction. We talked about giving it six months and checking in; I think he assumes that in January he will be moving back in here. I don't see that happening at all. I'm really really really not looking forward to having that conversation. Really not. If I could delay it - like, forever? That would be great.

I think you'll probably know when it's time to worry about doing something more, cowgirl.

When the attraction of being legally separated from him exceeds the anxiety over telling him, you will make that next step. You can move yourself in that direction by making lists: Why stay connected? Why move on? You can continue to gain strength and clarity in preparation for that day.

For now, you are doing great. You do know that, right? :hug:

yes , yes YES!!
Thank you for posting this. Sitting with and through the uncomfortable feelings pays off.

And I bet you will know when it's time for the next step. You're brilliant.

You'll be further down the road then, if you're doing the work, I think you'll be fine.

You seem to be doing really well now. Good work!

I just have to say I am so impressed - you are doing fantastic!! The hardest part for me was (is) to not get pulled back into those kind of conversaitons. That in and of itself is outstanding on your part. But, then to not even let it impact you that he is gossiping about you to your friends - that deserves a big applause! AND add that - you are not even buying into questioning your friends about what he says, etc.. bravo! You are a excellent example of working a plan and sticking to a boundary!!! YAY!!! I could use a lesson or two from you for sure!!