not answereing the phone, not answering the phone
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
not answereing the phone, not answering the phone
AH called to talk about something as he was "shopping"
He has that oh so familiar hysterical quality to his voice. I froze because he's refusing to pay me the full amount he agreed to on friday and i dontknow how I"m going to pay the rent in full. so he asked what was wrong and like an idiot I told him I'm worried about money
So he started yelling and swearing of course. Said, "well I"ve been working," because I didn't work the first two weeks of September. The kids weren't in school the first week and i was moving the second week and he told me he would be paying me anyway. *******.
I said, "I gotta go.:
He called me repeatedly for about 10 minutes then just sent me a text saying
ok you win, (as if this is a contest or power struggle) you don't have to talk to me. I have totaly lived up to my commttment to you so far so i'm good.
I"m so furious! I want to text him back that he's not good, he's blaming me for breaking a commitment again and that's what I can count on from him again and again. That is what i will expect. That is waht I will tell our children to expect and make damn sure they don't blame themselves for his addiction and blameshifting.
I'm so sick of him yelling and screaming and swearing at me . I"m shaking and furious.
He has that oh so familiar hysterical quality to his voice. I froze because he's refusing to pay me the full amount he agreed to on friday and i dontknow how I"m going to pay the rent in full. so he asked what was wrong and like an idiot I told him I'm worried about money
So he started yelling and swearing of course. Said, "well I"ve been working," because I didn't work the first two weeks of September. The kids weren't in school the first week and i was moving the second week and he told me he would be paying me anyway. *******.
I said, "I gotta go.:
He called me repeatedly for about 10 minutes then just sent me a text saying
ok you win, (as if this is a contest or power struggle) you don't have to talk to me. I have totaly lived up to my commttment to you so far so i'm good.
I"m so furious! I want to text him back that he's not good, he's blaming me for breaking a commitment again and that's what I can count on from him again and again. That is what i will expect. That is waht I will tell our children to expect and make damn sure they don't blame themselves for his addiction and blameshifting.
I'm so sick of him yelling and screaming and swearing at me . I"m shaking and furious.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Hes trying to bait you into an arguement. They love the drama...it takes the guilt away from them. He knows he created this mess but would love to believe this has something to do with you.
My exah always says that I think I am perfect, that I feel like I had nothing to do with the breakdown of the marriage. No, not perfect, but me complaining that he left his dirty socks on the floor is not a deal breaker like drinking and cheating.
DONT RESPOND! YOU CAN DO THIS!
My exah always says that I think I am perfect, that I feel like I had nothing to do with the breakdown of the marriage. No, not perfect, but me complaining that he left his dirty socks on the floor is not a deal breaker like drinking and cheating.
DONT RESPOND! YOU CAN DO THIS!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I feel better. My heart rate is down and I had almost forgotten about his stupid a**. I'm going to stretch, get some food and get back to work. He makes me so freaking angry with his crap. Saying going to yoga is like his drinking and i need to give it up in order to make more money. I should have run him over with the car last summer when I had the chance.
I've been looking for my file with the divorce papers. I think they're still at his house, am going there Thursday and will look.
Friend of the Court (who is not friend of parents of children just the court) will only grant me about 2/3 of what he was promising. They'll grant me what he is now saying he will pay me.
And filing the paperwork will be $250. I just need to keep working and get some cash before I can do that. Problem is, I am only paid once a month from my work, freelancing.
I've been looking for my file with the divorce papers. I think they're still at his house, am going there Thursday and will look.
Friend of the Court (who is not friend of parents of children just the court) will only grant me about 2/3 of what he was promising. They'll grant me what he is now saying he will pay me.
And filing the paperwork will be $250. I just need to keep working and get some cash before I can do that. Problem is, I am only paid once a month from my work, freelancing.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
I'm getting that knot in the gut girl.....just reading your post. It leaves you open to a committment made by a man in active addiction. It means nothing. I would seek out the help of legal counsel to see how quickly you can slap an income with-holding order on this man. He can hold the money over your head right now...and he will. He's not getting what he wants, so your not gonna get what you want. The whole drinking thing pretty much ensures that he won't care where his money goes, and most of it will probably get dumped straight down his throat. Please protect yourself! I know, we somehow hope they will do the right thing, like take care of their kids....don't put any expectations on this man, it will only lower your level of serenity. He will consistantly fall short. Big hugs!!!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I"m going to call the only regular employer I have and ask to be paid my full monthly wage this month then repay the hours next. It's humiliating, but I'm also going to file for D and then file for child support. D means I won't have insurance or a discount card where he works after we're D, but it's a small price to pay for some basic reassurance.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Legally, they will have to offer you insurance after the D is final. So, you have some time there to seek other coverage.
The discount card is another story, but, wouldn't you pay full price for your serenity and happiness?
The discount card is another story, but, wouldn't you pay full price for your serenity and happiness?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
wouldn't you pay full price for your serenity and happiness?
I know why so many folks here struggle with leaving thier abusive alcoholics. They've never tasted freedom!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Southeast, MI
Posts: 17
It seems to me, based on your past posts that you have made some real progress in detaching from this guy. Keep doing what you’re doing and try not to look too far ahead. You’ve already won some small victories. Recognize that.
Don’t talk to him unless it is absolutely necessary. Let him text his rage. Are you still going to feel frustrated ion angry? Of course you are. These are genuine emotions. Don’t beat yourself up over that. The only way he will know about your anger and frustration is if you let him know, and allow him to rope you into his miserable life. Don’t let him know!
Based on all I know about you, you are moving in the right direction. Keep pushing forward.
Don’t talk to him unless it is absolutely necessary. Let him text his rage. Are you still going to feel frustrated ion angry? Of course you are. These are genuine emotions. Don’t beat yourself up over that. The only way he will know about your anger and frustration is if you let him know, and allow him to rope you into his miserable life. Don’t let him know!
Based on all I know about you, you are moving in the right direction. Keep pushing forward.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
as if this is a contest or power struggle
I always go back to something LTD wrote awhile back when I see these struggles
These are all symptoms of a dysfunctional alcoholic/codependent
relationship. You are in the middle of a power struggle. You still
believe, either consciously or subconsciously, you can get what you
want. Him to stop drinking and be the husband and father you want him
to be. He is proving to you every day that he is not willing to do
that, so you ratchet up the pressure to make it more and more
difficult for him to keep drinking. Yet he continues drinking.
The real answer is you still think you can win.
You believe that if you just hold your ground long enough, he will
finally break and do things your way. Until you are willing to give up
the idea that you have any control over him at all, you will continue
reacting, struggling, and resenting.
relationship. You are in the middle of a power struggle. You still
believe, either consciously or subconsciously, you can get what you
want. Him to stop drinking and be the husband and father you want him
to be. He is proving to you every day that he is not willing to do
that, so you ratchet up the pressure to make it more and more
difficult for him to keep drinking. Yet he continues drinking.
The real answer is you still think you can win.
You believe that if you just hold your ground long enough, he will
finally break and do things your way. Until you are willing to give up
the idea that you have any control over him at all, you will continue
reacting, struggling, and resenting.
This below is something I recently wrote when looking at a similar situation
Alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, and can't stop drinking, the more they struggle and fight, the more they lose. The only way for an alcoholic to "win" is by surrendering, giving up and walking away.
Codependents are addicted to alcoholics/addicts and controlling their environment and the people in it, the attempts at control are because the situation is and has been so out of control (many times in their childhood) that the codie needs to regain control of their environment to feel safe. That's what a Psychiatrist told me one time anyway.
For me to recover from codependency I had to relinquish my efforts at control, stop trying to control people around me, I also had to remove the sicker people from my environment, but ultimately it was letting go of controlling other people that brings me serenity. Stop trying to make my mother/sister/GF be healthy. Stop trying to have healthy relationships with unhealthy people. Find healthy people to have relationships with then try to learn how to do it myself. Actually the other way around, start getting healthy myself and strangely enough healthier people start appearing.
Stop going to hardware stores for bread
Stop going to dry wells
Stop trying to fit square pegs in round holes
Stop trying to MAKE or FORCE those around me to MEET MY NEEDS
If someone can't meet my needs without me having to explain it to them, me explaining it to them is not going to make it better. Me explaining it to them 800 times is REALLY not going to make it better. As a matter of fact, after 632 times I begin to suspect it's not them, it may be me that's a bit wacked at that point and needs help.
Codependents are addicted to alcoholics/addicts and controlling their environment and the people in it, the attempts at control are because the situation is and has been so out of control (many times in their childhood) that the codie needs to regain control of their environment to feel safe. That's what a Psychiatrist told me one time anyway.
For me to recover from codependency I had to relinquish my efforts at control, stop trying to control people around me, I also had to remove the sicker people from my environment, but ultimately it was letting go of controlling other people that brings me serenity. Stop trying to make my mother/sister/GF be healthy. Stop trying to have healthy relationships with unhealthy people. Find healthy people to have relationships with then try to learn how to do it myself. Actually the other way around, start getting healthy myself and strangely enough healthier people start appearing.
Stop going to hardware stores for bread
Stop going to dry wells
Stop trying to fit square pegs in round holes
Stop trying to MAKE or FORCE those around me to MEET MY NEEDS
If someone can't meet my needs without me having to explain it to them, me explaining it to them is not going to make it better. Me explaining it to them 800 times is REALLY not going to make it better. As a matter of fact, after 632 times I begin to suspect it's not them, it may be me that's a bit wacked at that point and needs help.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
you have made some real progress in detaching from this guy.
I was just thinking about how much better I feel, how more effective I am as a parent and as a person, since leaving him. When I take my kids to school and see other parents and the teachers there, they all comment on how happy I look. One girl at yoga said, wow you look so serene.
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me, literally. I didn't know how miserable I was. Wait. I think I did know. But I didn't believe I could make it better. I didn't know how much freedom detachment would give me.
He was yelling, all sped up and freaked out and swearing into the phone at me for probably 60 seconds before I realized I didn't have to listen to it. Not My Problem. So I said, "I gotta go" and hung up. I"ve warned him that if he starts swearing and raging at me I will hang up.
He called back 6 times, and sent me a furious text when I wouldn't answer.
Now the real work begins. Now that he has stopped trying to contact me, I cannot "pick up that first drink"
for me, that means not allowing myself to go down the path of
-wondering what he's doing, how he's feeling or if I've screwed up.
-letting my mind tell my heart that I better call him to explain myself
-or in any way dissecting his madness.
Screw that. I know what that gets me. More madness. It's like putting beads on a thread with no knot in the end.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
so often we find that it's not quite so much about detaching from the PERSON, as it is detaching from the emotional CHARGE we get out of interacting WITH that person. we come to DEPEND upon the friction, hostility, confusion and predictable uncertainty that we GET from our encounters with them. we stuck doing laps around the emotional buffet, going back time and again for lime jello and diced bologna. to the point that we "forget" there are other HEALTHIER ways to get our emotional needs met.
when i was doing dope and trying NOT to i'd STARE at that damn phone, willing the dealer to call. cuz if HE called, then i was off the hook ya know? i could almost rationalize that using then was not MY fault, he called ME. i was very much still addicted to what he had to offer.........after awhile the real rush came not from the drugs themselves, but from the turmoil of YESNOYESNOYESNO, i want to use, no i don't, yes i do, i'll call quick and hang up and then when he calls back it won't be MY fault, god no NO NO! f*ckit, make the call, too late now anyways, the thought is lodged in my head and i'm physically ill to my stomach, couldn't eat or act normal, might as well get some sh!t and get on with it! that andreline charged anticipation, my body physically reacting to the fight or flight response, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, sweating, pacing, restless, jumbled thinking.....that was all way before the first hit. and it was a sure thing, every time.....
WE have to make the decision to change OUR ways, OUR behaviors. you cannot rely upon HIM to respect your boundaries, comply with your requests, or NOT call/text/contact YOU any more than i could rely upon my dealer to help me stay clean! trust me, dealers make lousy support systems for anything but using!!!
he can and will do whatever he chooses......he can ring your phone every 28 seconds all day, he can text, rant rave scream holler pout and accuse for a month of sundays. you always have the power of choice regarding what YOU do. you can throw the phone down the disposal, get a new number, turn it OFF, hit the delete key. he only affects your life as much as you let him.............
when i was doing dope and trying NOT to i'd STARE at that damn phone, willing the dealer to call. cuz if HE called, then i was off the hook ya know? i could almost rationalize that using then was not MY fault, he called ME. i was very much still addicted to what he had to offer.........after awhile the real rush came not from the drugs themselves, but from the turmoil of YESNOYESNOYESNO, i want to use, no i don't, yes i do, i'll call quick and hang up and then when he calls back it won't be MY fault, god no NO NO! f*ckit, make the call, too late now anyways, the thought is lodged in my head and i'm physically ill to my stomach, couldn't eat or act normal, might as well get some sh!t and get on with it! that andreline charged anticipation, my body physically reacting to the fight or flight response, rapid heart rate, shallow breathing, sweating, pacing, restless, jumbled thinking.....that was all way before the first hit. and it was a sure thing, every time.....
WE have to make the decision to change OUR ways, OUR behaviors. you cannot rely upon HIM to respect your boundaries, comply with your requests, or NOT call/text/contact YOU any more than i could rely upon my dealer to help me stay clean! trust me, dealers make lousy support systems for anything but using!!!
he can and will do whatever he chooses......he can ring your phone every 28 seconds all day, he can text, rant rave scream holler pout and accuse for a month of sundays. you always have the power of choice regarding what YOU do. you can throw the phone down the disposal, get a new number, turn it OFF, hit the delete key. he only affects your life as much as you let him.............
One of the things I had to learn was the receptors in the mind that receive emotion are the same receptors triggered by drugs, endorphins etc and that just like I can get addicted to heroin or alcohol, I get addicted to negative emotions, it's the exact same thing, so one of the things I do in sobriety, am doing, is remapping my brain.
I had to learn that since I was addicted to negativity I would unconsciously create and recreate situations that would generate negative emotions, that's why it said in recovery that suffering is optional, and we avoid the deliberate manufacture of misery.
The best, and quite frankly one of the only ways I know how to do that is to help others, it's not a matter of minimizing my emotions but being aware that they are usually lying to me. the truth of the matter is I am addicted to negative emotions, that's why we so frequently sabotage ourselves, our lives and our relationships. We are comfortable being uncomfortable, suffering is our normal.
It takes 90 days to break and change habits and I have read it takes a year to remap the receptors in the brain, so in that year I practice practice practice focusing on the positive, focusing on helping others, focusing on not thinking about myself, that's why they call Buddhism a practice, and why in the twelve steps it says we practice these principals, because we have to exercise those muscles.
Einstein said we cant fix the problem with the same level of thinking that caused the problem, and I needed to learn that dwelling in negative thoughts WAS the problem...literally....that's what's wrong with me, and so I need to realize that my thinking will lead me back to that place, my mind is not my friend.
It took me many many years of sobriety to learn this, and truthfully it was on hindsight, there was a period of years when all my dreams came true, I lived with a beautiful woman in a wonderful house, I spent 4 months a year on surf trips vacationing around the world, I was a quasi-well known sculptor, and I surfed or sculpted during my work shifts (I was a paramedic in a beach town) and I have never been so miserable in my life.
So if circumstances were enough to make me happy I would have been deliriously happy, but I was MISERABLE. So what did I learn from that experience?
That the truth of the matter is I didn't know how to be happy. The old timers had tried to explain that to me repeatedly but I didn't understand what they were trying to say.
Quote:
In the 1970s, researchers followed people who'd won the lottery and found that a year after they'd hit the jackpot, they were no happier than the people who didn't. They called it hedonic adaptation, which suggests that we each have a baseline level of happiness. No matter what happens, good or bad, the effect on our happiness is only temporary and we tend to rebound to our baseline level. Some people have a higher baseline happiness level than others, and that can be attributed in part to genetics, but it's also largely influenced by how you think
In one study, two groups of people were asked to pick out a poster to take home. One group was asked to analyze their decision carefully, weighing the pros and cons, and the other group was told to listen to their gut. Two weeks later, the group that followed their gut was happier with their posters than the group that analyzed their decisions
So what these facts say to me is my brain is untrustworthy, it spends a great deal of time lying to me, and learning how to differentiate between the deliberate manufacture of misery and reality becomes of critical importance in my sobriety if I expect to either remain sober or have a happy contented life.
Feel your feelings by all means, but for me I have to realize that feelings aren't facts and that my emotional state has absolutely nothing to do with reality and has no bearing to what's actually happening in my life
I had to learn that since I was addicted to negativity I would unconsciously create and recreate situations that would generate negative emotions, that's why it said in recovery that suffering is optional, and we avoid the deliberate manufacture of misery.
The best, and quite frankly one of the only ways I know how to do that is to help others, it's not a matter of minimizing my emotions but being aware that they are usually lying to me. the truth of the matter is I am addicted to negative emotions, that's why we so frequently sabotage ourselves, our lives and our relationships. We are comfortable being uncomfortable, suffering is our normal.
It takes 90 days to break and change habits and I have read it takes a year to remap the receptors in the brain, so in that year I practice practice practice focusing on the positive, focusing on helping others, focusing on not thinking about myself, that's why they call Buddhism a practice, and why in the twelve steps it says we practice these principals, because we have to exercise those muscles.
Einstein said we cant fix the problem with the same level of thinking that caused the problem, and I needed to learn that dwelling in negative thoughts WAS the problem...literally....that's what's wrong with me, and so I need to realize that my thinking will lead me back to that place, my mind is not my friend.
It took me many many years of sobriety to learn this, and truthfully it was on hindsight, there was a period of years when all my dreams came true, I lived with a beautiful woman in a wonderful house, I spent 4 months a year on surf trips vacationing around the world, I was a quasi-well known sculptor, and I surfed or sculpted during my work shifts (I was a paramedic in a beach town) and I have never been so miserable in my life.
So if circumstances were enough to make me happy I would have been deliriously happy, but I was MISERABLE. So what did I learn from that experience?
That the truth of the matter is I didn't know how to be happy. The old timers had tried to explain that to me repeatedly but I didn't understand what they were trying to say.
Quote:
In the 1970s, researchers followed people who'd won the lottery and found that a year after they'd hit the jackpot, they were no happier than the people who didn't. They called it hedonic adaptation, which suggests that we each have a baseline level of happiness. No matter what happens, good or bad, the effect on our happiness is only temporary and we tend to rebound to our baseline level. Some people have a higher baseline happiness level than others, and that can be attributed in part to genetics, but it's also largely influenced by how you think
In one study, two groups of people were asked to pick out a poster to take home. One group was asked to analyze their decision carefully, weighing the pros and cons, and the other group was told to listen to their gut. Two weeks later, the group that followed their gut was happier with their posters than the group that analyzed their decisions
So what these facts say to me is my brain is untrustworthy, it spends a great deal of time lying to me, and learning how to differentiate between the deliberate manufacture of misery and reality becomes of critical importance in my sobriety if I expect to either remain sober or have a happy contented life.
Feel your feelings by all means, but for me I have to realize that feelings aren't facts and that my emotional state has absolutely nothing to do with reality and has no bearing to what's actually happening in my life
I can blame someone else until the cows come home but I am the one climbing back on the merry go round over and over and over and over all the while pointing the finger "over there" and saying look what they are doing to me
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I dont' think my motivation for staying in that abusive relationship is the same as some of yours, but I do honor and acknowlege your truth and honesty.
For me, I believe (and this could change) that my abandonment issues from childhood were triggered. If I could chase after my AH and get him to love me, that would undo the damage from my abusive, alchoholic parents. It would make everything ok. I was looking to fix the past by recreating it.
But the only way to do that is to change the present and stop trying to get blood from a stone. I only feel better when I focus on my life and live it fully. I've got an amazing life! Great friends, very close to my sisters, I love what I do for a living and I love my kids.
I also love a good rush. But I don't need to stand in front of an oncoming truck to get it.All that will get me is dead.
I realized recently that my life, when I do it fully and engage in my work and parenting, is way more exciting than this stupid crap with dumb a***.
I dunno, maybe I just finally had enough. I have a job that I love and truly is exciting. It gives me a huge rush when I do it properly- it boosts my self esteem.
And I have a 24 year old son, plus two others ages 8 and 11, so I know how quickly they will also be grown, so every minute with them is irreplaceable.
I can get those same thrills that fighting with someone who is insane.
For me, I believe (and this could change) that my abandonment issues from childhood were triggered. If I could chase after my AH and get him to love me, that would undo the damage from my abusive, alchoholic parents. It would make everything ok. I was looking to fix the past by recreating it.
But the only way to do that is to change the present and stop trying to get blood from a stone. I only feel better when I focus on my life and live it fully. I've got an amazing life! Great friends, very close to my sisters, I love what I do for a living and I love my kids.
I also love a good rush. But I don't need to stand in front of an oncoming truck to get it.All that will get me is dead.
I realized recently that my life, when I do it fully and engage in my work and parenting, is way more exciting than this stupid crap with dumb a***.
I dunno, maybe I just finally had enough. I have a job that I love and truly is exciting. It gives me a huge rush when I do it properly- it boosts my self esteem.
And I have a 24 year old son, plus two others ages 8 and 11, so I know how quickly they will also be grown, so every minute with them is irreplaceable.
I can get those same thrills that fighting with someone who is insane.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I think I will. It's getting easier, now that I see the pay off. I was thinking of how I essentially pretended to care about so many aspects of his life, just because I wanted him to love me. His stupid obsession with music and guitars, his drinking, playing that stupid facebook mafia wars game.
Realistically, I'm doing both of us a favor. He deserves to be with someone with the same interests. He used to bring me a glass of whiskey and try to get me to drink it. I'd say, "no way, it's 11 at night I"m going to bed."
Now my life interests me. I write about all sorts of people and events and work for an organization on the cutting edge of social reform. I forgot how much I LOVE my life! He never ever read anything I wrote. I was isolated and lonely and cheated myself.
I actually feel bad that he left his affair partner. They were a perfect couple, drinking constantly.
Realistically, I'm doing both of us a favor. He deserves to be with someone with the same interests. He used to bring me a glass of whiskey and try to get me to drink it. I'd say, "no way, it's 11 at night I"m going to bed."
Now my life interests me. I write about all sorts of people and events and work for an organization on the cutting edge of social reform. I forgot how much I LOVE my life! He never ever read anything I wrote. I was isolated and lonely and cheated myself.
I actually feel bad that he left his affair partner. They were a perfect couple, drinking constantly.
Last edited by transformyself; 09-30-2009 at 12:31 PM. Reason: typos, darn things..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
