Is He Cheating?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
Is He Cheating?
Not that any of you know him, or will be able to definitively answer this question...but here goes. My AH is currently in rehab, and in the back of my mind for the last 20 years I have always suspected him of cheating. He denies it, but the behaviors are there...or is it all in my head?
Some instances to ponder...
1. Cheated when we were dating, denied the entire time. I kept telling him that people were seeing him with a girl, he kept trying to tell me it was me that they were seeing him with, no one else. I finally said, "My dad saw her sitting next to you, he knows it wasn't me." He gives me my necklace he found when cleaning out his car, it isn't my necklace.
2. When my daughter was a tot, she used to talk about Jennifer, who would come over every nite, played with her and read her bedtime stories while I was at work. He laughed at me and said it was an imaginary friend.
3. We are at the bar together, and I am very obviously pregnant with our third child. Girl at bar says..."Hey, ____, you gonna take me home tonite?" He says something about being married, she says "You never told me that before." He says she was just making a scene.
4. Name and phone number written on a piece of paper, found in the glovebox of his car. He says he must have taken it home from work, and mistakenly put it in his glovebox.
5. Text messages to a much younger girl on his phone, asking her if she was going to come out the lake and party with us. Says something about her b@@bs, and how he wants to be the first to tap her a@@. He says he was joking with her and she knew it.
6. While at the bar with friends, a very skanky girl comes in and sits at a table close by. We are all commenting on her choice of clothing for the evening when he tells us all that he has seen her naked, and it is just nasty. Asked where this happened, he claims in a bar she stripped her clothes off.
7. More text messages on his blackberry from someone who claims to miss him, and sends him a virtual rose. She never calls him by name in the messages. He claims she has the wrong email address, and says he told her that. She kept sending, last one a few weeks ago.
8. Two weekends ago, while I was out of town, he is "dancing" behind a girl at the bar and being obnoxious, but nothing happened. It just looked as if he may have been humping her. (First time in my life I am happy to know alot of people, they told me what was happening.)
9. He has a bad habit of making innappropriate comments and hitting on much younger girls. He claims they know he is joking, and would never take him up on the offer.
10. Lots of younger girls that are friends on his Facebook page, some who he does not know (that I know of.) When asked, he claims he feels bad if he ignores a friend request, but there is a friend request from one of his work buddies that he has ignored for a good month now.
11. Message to his first girlfriend on his Facebook email, initiated by him. Wants to know where she has been the last 25 years. His description is very brief of his life...mentions being married and having kids, but no real details.
12. Set up a new email address a while back, claims he forgot we had a joint hotmail account.
Maybe you all don't need to answer this, and I have just answered my own questions. Never put it all in one place, at one time before.
Some instances to ponder...
1. Cheated when we were dating, denied the entire time. I kept telling him that people were seeing him with a girl, he kept trying to tell me it was me that they were seeing him with, no one else. I finally said, "My dad saw her sitting next to you, he knows it wasn't me." He gives me my necklace he found when cleaning out his car, it isn't my necklace.
2. When my daughter was a tot, she used to talk about Jennifer, who would come over every nite, played with her and read her bedtime stories while I was at work. He laughed at me and said it was an imaginary friend.
3. We are at the bar together, and I am very obviously pregnant with our third child. Girl at bar says..."Hey, ____, you gonna take me home tonite?" He says something about being married, she says "You never told me that before." He says she was just making a scene.
4. Name and phone number written on a piece of paper, found in the glovebox of his car. He says he must have taken it home from work, and mistakenly put it in his glovebox.
5. Text messages to a much younger girl on his phone, asking her if she was going to come out the lake and party with us. Says something about her b@@bs, and how he wants to be the first to tap her a@@. He says he was joking with her and she knew it.
6. While at the bar with friends, a very skanky girl comes in and sits at a table close by. We are all commenting on her choice of clothing for the evening when he tells us all that he has seen her naked, and it is just nasty. Asked where this happened, he claims in a bar she stripped her clothes off.
7. More text messages on his blackberry from someone who claims to miss him, and sends him a virtual rose. She never calls him by name in the messages. He claims she has the wrong email address, and says he told her that. She kept sending, last one a few weeks ago.
8. Two weekends ago, while I was out of town, he is "dancing" behind a girl at the bar and being obnoxious, but nothing happened. It just looked as if he may have been humping her. (First time in my life I am happy to know alot of people, they told me what was happening.)
9. He has a bad habit of making innappropriate comments and hitting on much younger girls. He claims they know he is joking, and would never take him up on the offer.
10. Lots of younger girls that are friends on his Facebook page, some who he does not know (that I know of.) When asked, he claims he feels bad if he ignores a friend request, but there is a friend request from one of his work buddies that he has ignored for a good month now.
11. Message to his first girlfriend on his Facebook email, initiated by him. Wants to know where she has been the last 25 years. His description is very brief of his life...mentions being married and having kids, but no real details.
12. Set up a new email address a while back, claims he forgot we had a joint hotmail account.
Maybe you all don't need to answer this, and I have just answered my own questions. Never put it all in one place, at one time before.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
The behavior you describe is enough for me to know he's not the kind of partner I would want. Whether he's cheating or not is irrelevant. Would his behavior be okay as long as you knew for sure he wasn't cheating? What are your dealbreakers?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I am such a fool, and have been for a long time. I would never want this kind of man dating my daughters.
No this behavior is not ok in any way, shape or form. Has my brain been on hiatus for a long time or what?!
No this behavior is not ok in any way, shape or form. Has my brain been on hiatus for a long time or what?!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Yep...hes cheating.
Now the hard part comes. What are you going to do? Suspect for another 20 years or get the heck out and live your life?
Like I said before...suspecting is one thing. Actually doing something about it is hard work but worth it in the end.
Now the hard part comes. What are you going to do? Suspect for another 20 years or get the heck out and live your life?
Like I said before...suspecting is one thing. Actually doing something about it is hard work but worth it in the end.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
Cheating or not, none of that is the way a married man should behave.
Alcoholic or not, a cad, is a cad.
Why keep wondering what he is or isn't doing?
The question is, what are you doing for your recovery?
Alcoholic or not, a cad, is a cad.
Why keep wondering what he is or isn't doing?
The question is, what are you doing for your recovery?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
I am making a list of things I need to do. The list keeps changing and getting longer.
Number one on the list is live MY life. With or without him. I have been feeling for the last week that he wasn't at home, and the couple days now that he has been in rehab, that my life is really best without him. My mind is so quiet, my anger and resentment is gone, things are so at peace.
When he called tonite to tell me that he might get done with rehab a couple of days early, since he didn't have to go thru detox, I about crapped. I just don't want him home, don't want him close enough to me to bother me. I am trying to keep an open mind, but now that I have had time to think some things thru on my own, and make lists like the one above, I am finding that I am not as afraid as I thought to stand on my own two feet and live MY life for my own happiness.
Sheesh...I thought he was the one with issues...
Number one on the list is live MY life. With or without him. I have been feeling for the last week that he wasn't at home, and the couple days now that he has been in rehab, that my life is really best without him. My mind is so quiet, my anger and resentment is gone, things are so at peace.
When he called tonite to tell me that he might get done with rehab a couple of days early, since he didn't have to go thru detox, I about crapped. I just don't want him home, don't want him close enough to me to bother me. I am trying to keep an open mind, but now that I have had time to think some things thru on my own, and make lists like the one above, I am finding that I am not as afraid as I thought to stand on my own two feet and live MY life for my own happiness.
Sheesh...I thought he was the one with issues...
Is it hot here or am I crazy?
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Planet Zirchon 9 (which is near Milwaukee, WI.)
Posts: 38
Hi Mellane,
Here's a man's point of view:
Yes, he probably is cheating. And as others have mentioned, whether he is or is not, his actions are INAPPROPRIATE for a married man.
In a court of law, thinking about committing a crime is not prosecutable. In a moral situation such as this, even thinking about cheating is improper.
A partner can look you straight in the eye and deny infidelity - it was done to me. I tried to think the best until I had evidence of the worst. Then I could no longer lie to myself.
Regardless of how he answers, how he justifies his actions, whatever plausible explanations he gives you, his actions are inappropriate.
You have compiled evidence. Doesn't sound like you're out on a "witch hunt." It is up to you to decide what actions you will take.
If you decide to endure this type of treatment, I can only guess that he will push the envelope further. Idle threats mean nothing to a cheater - be prepared to follow through on any ultimatum you present.
I wish you calm thoughts and clarity in your decision.
Here's a man's point of view:
Yes, he probably is cheating. And as others have mentioned, whether he is or is not, his actions are INAPPROPRIATE for a married man.
In a court of law, thinking about committing a crime is not prosecutable. In a moral situation such as this, even thinking about cheating is improper.
A partner can look you straight in the eye and deny infidelity - it was done to me. I tried to think the best until I had evidence of the worst. Then I could no longer lie to myself.
Regardless of how he answers, how he justifies his actions, whatever plausible explanations he gives you, his actions are inappropriate.
You have compiled evidence. Doesn't sound like you're out on a "witch hunt." It is up to you to decide what actions you will take.
If you decide to endure this type of treatment, I can only guess that he will push the envelope further. Idle threats mean nothing to a cheater - be prepared to follow through on any ultimatum you present.
I wish you calm thoughts and clarity in your decision.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 405
Dear Mellane, I completly understand your need to write down what you have seen and know in your heart. Sometimes we (I) get so manipulated and lied to that it gets confusing to figure out which way is up.
Now that you see it written down - what is your gut and heart telling you?
Now that you see it written down - what is your gut and heart telling you?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Has my brain been on hiatus for a long time or what?!
Now, THANK GOD, mine has returned and decided to teach my heart about respect. Self respect.
It's a beautiful thing. I wake up every day THRILLED that I no longer live with that man.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by anvilhead 
mellane, the only time that is relevant is NOW........it took what it took to get you here, worrying about how long it took you to GET here only wastes more time.
There are no mistakes in life if you learn. Life is a patient teacher. If you ignore the lesson, she will teach it again. I finally decided I didn't like the misery and pain involved and started paying attention to the lessons. You cannot change the past. You can only use the information to improve the future.
L
P.S. I just want to say that it's a really tough realization to come to when you admit that you want better for your children than what you have been role-modeling for them. Good job! (my mother still hasn't gotten to that point)
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Mellane,
I gotta' hand it to you, honey, you are a much more tolerant person that I am. 20 years? My average is 2. But then, I've never been married and I don't have children.
Two things:
FIRST: Please do NOT have unprotected sex with this man, husband or not. You must protect yourself and your health no matter how you feel or what he says. I do bring this up a lot on SR because (1) I had a very scary, previous experience with this issue, and (2) I work in a health field.
SECOND: It is great that you are writing things out, making lists and plans, and really thinking through what you want. But at some point, and I hope soon, you have to take a step in the direction you want to go. I know it is difficult to step out of your comfort zone, but you must take some action, nothing will happen otherwise. Perhaps this week you can think of and execute one small thing you can do to move toward where you want to be.
Take care of yourself.
L2L
I gotta' hand it to you, honey, you are a much more tolerant person that I am. 20 years? My average is 2. But then, I've never been married and I don't have children.
Two things:
FIRST: Please do NOT have unprotected sex with this man, husband or not. You must protect yourself and your health no matter how you feel or what he says. I do bring this up a lot on SR because (1) I had a very scary, previous experience with this issue, and (2) I work in a health field.
SECOND: It is great that you are writing things out, making lists and plans, and really thinking through what you want. But at some point, and I hope soon, you have to take a step in the direction you want to go. I know it is difficult to step out of your comfort zone, but you must take some action, nothing will happen otherwise. Perhaps this week you can think of and execute one small thing you can do to move toward where you want to be.
Take care of yourself.
L2L
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Your Ah is not just a cheat, he is a serial cheat. In fact he has a Diploma in cheating and actually qualifies as a sex addict, but personally I think he is just a pathetic liar and immoral backstabber. I am surprised he hasn't brought you home a "present" from some of his flings, but who is to say he wouldn't in future if you stay and he continues his fun.
If you really need or want to live in peace and not have to handle any more lies and such disrespect, and don't want him home then you need to make it clear before he gets out of rehab.
I am sure that for you and your children, life without him and the trauma he brings, would be a blessed relief.
That list would be a start, to keep it close and read it any time you waver in being free to enjoy YOUR life, instead of being one of his harem.
God bless you my dear.
If you really need or want to live in peace and not have to handle any more lies and such disrespect, and don't want him home then you need to make it clear before he gets out of rehab.
I am sure that for you and your children, life without him and the trauma he brings, would be a blessed relief.
That list would be a start, to keep it close and read it any time you waver in being free to enjoy YOUR life, instead of being one of his harem.
God bless you my dear.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 247
First off, I find it deeply gratifying knowing that I was not crazy or trying to pick another fight for thinking these things all this time. I thought of a few other instances last night...first real night of non-sleeping since he left. None of those other instances matter now, they are just sad reminders of my sticking my head in the sand and hoping for a better day.
We have three children who are much older than our son, whom we adopted one year ago. (He will be 9 in January, our youngest daughter graduates high school this year.) My heart aches thinking that all he needed was a family, and we did not fit the bill as well as we thought we did.
I know what I need to do. I pray for the strength to do it. He did leave home about a week before entering treatment. Instead of the million times in the past that I did nothing but cry, I felt amazing strength from it and a sense of peace that had been missing for a long time.
I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday. She shared a text message she got from my AH when I was out of town and all this **** went down. It says, "If you talk to my wife make sure you tell her _____ isn't here. I am here by myself." Enough said.
We have three children who are much older than our son, whom we adopted one year ago. (He will be 9 in January, our youngest daughter graduates high school this year.) My heart aches thinking that all he needed was a family, and we did not fit the bill as well as we thought we did.
I know what I need to do. I pray for the strength to do it. He did leave home about a week before entering treatment. Instead of the million times in the past that I did nothing but cry, I felt amazing strength from it and a sense of peace that had been missing for a long time.
I went to lunch with my best friend yesterday. She shared a text message she got from my AH when I was out of town and all this **** went down. It says, "If you talk to my wife make sure you tell her _____ isn't here. I am here by myself." Enough said.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Mellane... get a test for STDs/AIDS. Better to know for sure you are healthy.
Secondly, may I gently remind you we will not be around forever? "while you wait" days, months and years can keep going... who is to say you will be around then? what if this is the last day and the last chance you got to provide yourself and your kids some joy and love.
I do not think you will get any Ray of Light providing you strength to take actions, you just need to do it, make the decision you and the kids come first and you need to do what it takes to strive for a better life ...afterwards you will realize the strength you were hoping for was there all this time and its greater than you think.
Secondly, may I gently remind you we will not be around forever? "while you wait" days, months and years can keep going... who is to say you will be around then? what if this is the last day and the last chance you got to provide yourself and your kids some joy and love.
I do not think you will get any Ray of Light providing you strength to take actions, you just need to do it, make the decision you and the kids come first and you need to do what it takes to strive for a better life ...afterwards you will realize the strength you were hoping for was there all this time and its greater than you think.
Retired Pro Drunk
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: Saint Paul, MN
Posts: 901
I would just like to say that these "is he cheating on me" threads pop up now and again - and I always read them - but rarely comment.
I rarely comment because (in all honesty) I'm getting mad at all the responses that say he's definitely cheating when I always want to give the guy I'm reading about the benefit of the doubt, yada yada... so I never post - don't want to get into an arguement about it.
But this guy? I mean, wow. Seriously? Sorry to be crude, but he sounds like a total douchebag.
I rarely comment because (in all honesty) I'm getting mad at all the responses that say he's definitely cheating when I always want to give the guy I'm reading about the benefit of the doubt, yada yada... so I never post - don't want to get into an arguement about it.
But this guy? I mean, wow. Seriously? Sorry to be crude, but he sounds like a total douchebag.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Another few suggestions as you ponder your decision (especially since he appears to lack integrity on most fronts).
Visit with a lawyer to get an education on what will happen in the event of divorce. Long term marriages such as yours often award maintenance. The lawyer will fill you in and boy was it a relief once I learned the facts and stopped awful-izing everything.
Gather and copy relevant paperwork such as mortgage, car loans, retirement accounts etc..
If you have any bank accounts check balances and require any loans taken out to have 2 signatures.
Open a credit card in your name alone and start using it to establish your own credit rating.
Start reading about emotional abuse and addictions to educate yourself. Codependent No More is a good one.
If you can see a therapist for help in untangling yourself!
Visit with a lawyer to get an education on what will happen in the event of divorce. Long term marriages such as yours often award maintenance. The lawyer will fill you in and boy was it a relief once I learned the facts and stopped awful-izing everything.
Gather and copy relevant paperwork such as mortgage, car loans, retirement accounts etc..
If you have any bank accounts check balances and require any loans taken out to have 2 signatures.
Open a credit card in your name alone and start using it to establish your own credit rating.
Start reading about emotional abuse and addictions to educate yourself. Codependent No More is a good one.
If you can see a therapist for help in untangling yourself!
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