Gone to Rehab

Old 09-27-2009, 05:26 PM
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Gone to Rehab

He left for rehab today. I am angry, hurt and confused...nothing new really after 20 years of being married to him.

I am left here to figure out how to pay the bills on just my income for the next 30 days, and how to manage a house with 4 kids and a dog. I know that I should be very happy for him for finally going, but instead I feel no happiness...I am afraid to be excited, am afraid to trust that this is the LAST time (famous last words).

I feel that I need support too, but have absolutely no idea where to turn to. Can someone please help?
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Old 09-27-2009, 05:52 PM
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Hi Mellane! Welcome to SR.

Do you have any involvement with Al-Anon? I think that would be a great place to start. It's free and you can find lots of support there.

I know it's rough that he is gone but it's blessing at the same time. It gives you a chance to work on yourself.

Sorry, this is a hard time for you. Keep coming here. You will lots of support here for sure.

Old 09-27-2009, 05:53 PM
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Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
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I remember when my xabf went to rehab. I was anxious for awhile. Then scared. Dropped him off that morning and cried. Cried for a couple days actually. Then I was angry. He left me here...all by myself....to do everything by myself. The kids, the laundry, the dogs, the cats, the bills. It suddenly all fell on ME to do.

I went to a meeting that night. Cried. I was SOO angry. I was angry with Alanon. I got to talking to someone and she asked why I was angry with Alanon? I thought about it and realized that he was drinking when we met. And we had some good times together. We laughed together. Made some of the best love. We had some great times while he was drinking--while WE were drinking. And I was angry with Alanon because a year and a half later I was finally aware of what was going on around me, that he had a drinking problem. Everything had been fine between us. Until I learned more about alcoholism and now here he was in rehab because of it. It wasn't HIM I was angry with...it was the knowledge of his problem. And now because of that knowledge I lost him. I was all alone. I had everything to do and it was all there for just ME to do.

She asked what role he played in the house. In our every day life, what kinds of things did he do. Angry with so much at the time I said "nothing". His job was to sit around and drink. He was a decoration at the bar most days.

She shook her head, chuckled a little bit, looked at me and said "so.....you've been doing it all alone anyway".
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Old 09-27-2009, 06:32 PM
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Reading this thru tears, you are both so right. I am so thankful I found this forum...and look forward to spending lots of time here in the next 28 days.

I am going to find Al-Anon tomorrow.

I think the thing I am most angry with is that it took me 20 years to realize that I married a drug addict/alcoholic, and expected him to change because of the kids. So I guess you could say I am most angry at...MYSELF.

I finally got the courage this time to tell him to get out and stay out. He begged to come home, made an appt for counseling and ordered some books on addiction. I told him we were driving the same car down the same road and expecting to end up somewhere different. The difference this time? I was not going to be in the car. Not this time.

So he went to his parents. He TEXTED our two college age kids and told them some story about he was at the bar and someone wanted to get him in trouble, so they told me a bunch of things that weren't true. Told his parents that he was being an ass, and was drinking at that's why he was there.

I made him call the kids, and tell them the entire story. I went with him to his parents, and made him tell them the entire story...only he had to start 20 years ago and fess up to all the major times, the scars from falls, the fact that he has been to counseling 6 times in 10 years for alcohol problems. His parents were floored. They had no idea why he was there...and that he had such a problem. His dad point blank asked me about several instances, and if alcohol was involved...and each time the answer was yes.

I informed his parents and him that if he did not choose to get help other than counseling, I was leaving him. I have two very large fears right now...

1. That the decision to go to rehab was not his...that it was pressure from all of us.
2. That I am still going to leave after he finishes rehab.

Some of the issues are alcohol related, but I have also realized that I do not love the person he is when he is with me. What happens if I still don't love him when he is out of rehab? It seems as though he was so good at hiding this that no one truly saw the person I was married to.

Sorry for the long post...just so many feelings and issues at hand, and I need you all!
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Old 09-27-2009, 06:33 PM
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I Love Who I Am
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Just want to welcome you. This place has helped me a great deal and there's more to go. There is some great reading on those threads at the top of the page that are stuck there perminantly, hence the name, "stickies."

Also, don't know what kind of music you like, but Pink's new album Funhouse has been my anthem lately. It represents all aspects of this crazyness, sadness, I'm going to make it without you-just watch, how did we get so mean?, and lots of angry, powerful, weeping, beautiful stuff.

Oh, and do waht you can to get exercise every day. Get your heart rate up and keep it there for 20 minutes. YOu'll think clearer and be happier.

Sorry if you're already doing that, these are just things that help me. We can also just listen and relate. You are not alone.

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Old 09-27-2009, 06:47 PM
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Hi Mellane - We are SO glad you are here!! You won't believe how wonderful these people are! You'll find lots and lots of support here.

About your 'two fears'.... 1) It's probably true that the results might be a little better if he were self-motivated to get into rehab, but PLENTY of people go by being coerced and have a good result. If nothing else, they learn about the tools that are available to them later on when they truly ARE ready. It's a very good education no matter what. Also, once they get sober the therapy they get is all about looking at themselves in the mirror and breaking down the denial. It's all good, so don't worry too much about that now.

2) And same goes here... If you still want to leave after rehab, then so be it. But cross that bridge when you get to it and in these next 30 days you just focus on YOU: your needs, your healing, your desires, your responsibilities, your choices and your health. Go to Al-Anon and immediately read the book "Codependent No More".

I look forward to seeing you around!
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Old 09-27-2009, 06:54 PM
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Hey transformyself...I love Pink and the irony of the situation is that I have always loved the song So What so much that my husband made it my ringtone on his phone...until I told him to listen to the words.

And TJP, thank you...thank you...thank you...I just need to learn to put myself first - if I remember how.
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:10 PM
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peaceful seabird
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Welcome to the SR family!

We're glad you are here. Make yourself at home - read and post as much as needed.

Have you read any of Melody Beattie's books on Codependency? You may be addicted to his dramatic life. You've always been anticipating the next episode and lived your life with him trying to manage the chaos. Walking around on eggshells, right? That will cause you to feel abandoned and empty when the alcoholic leaves the scene. You (we) became attached to the drama. We had front row, season tickets to the drama. When the curtain comes down on the drama, we are left wondering what we will do with ourselves.

We will learn to love ourselves and appreciate ourselves for who we are! How? Through Alanon, self-help books, counseling and SR.

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Old 09-27-2009, 07:26 PM
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HI Mellane! I'm so glad you are on here - it really saved my life when I was right about where you are with my ex AH. My husband was never going to get any treatment, so I didn't have that to consider, but I can totally relate to your fears. I agree with what TJP said - even if he was "forced" to go to treatment, sometimes that is enough to get the ball rolling and there have been many success stories from that. Plus, now it sounds like his secret is out, so to speak - so, you don't have the stress of having to protect him anymore. If you haven't read "Codependent No More", I would run, not walk, to get that. I think I read it twice in as many days when I first got it, and could not believe how much that represented me! It was as if I had a disease, and someone said "here is the cure!". Obviously, it takes much more work than that, but I something concrete at that point and was headed in the right direction.
As for the question - will you still leave him after rehab? Maybe! Who knows - one step at a time for us too!! Whatever you decide, will be the right decision. I would absolutely use this time (as others have suggested) to really focus on yourself, and identifying your self defeating behaviors, etc. that you've picked up along the road to survive this horrible situation (believe me, we ALL have). If you let him do his thing, and really focus on shifting your energy to yourself, you can not lose, whether you decide to leave him or not. I always tried to look at it as an exciting new journey - which I know sounds incredibley and maybe unrealistically opptomistic, but, I was so so so miserable, I would have hopped on one foot and jumped through a ring of fire if I thought it would bring me some sense of serenity! So, I was ready to tear myself down and build myself up. So, if possible, think of the wonderful gift you will be giving yourself and your kids (even if they are adults) and the wonderful example you will be setting - and the BEST news is at least the part about recovering from codependency is 100% controllable by YOU!!! So, no matter whether he succeeds or fails, you will still come out a winner - he can't take that away from you! God's speed and keep coming back!!
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:54 PM
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One night at the bar my husband was talking to everyone there, but me and people he came with. He was everyone's best friend. After we got home, I asked him why he never introduces me to these people...and he said that he asked his friends if they wanted to meet me, and they said no. When I asked him why, he told me it was because I was a bitch, and everyone can tell that I am a bitch just by looking at me.

I spent so many years believing that I was wrong, that I was a bitch, that I could fix this if I loved him enough, that this time he would change, that the kids deserved a happy home (just meaning staying married), that he really was a good man somewhere deep down...that I forgot about me.

While he is gone, I really want to:

-journal everyday
-eat peaceful dinners as a family
-talk to each of my children everyday
-exercise more, eat less (No emotional eating!)
-focus on my feelings, my thoughts, my emotions
-read everything I can about addiction and how I need to deal with it

He has been out of the house for a week, and truthfully it has been a very peaceful week. After years and years of hiding all of this life, when I told my parents they were so kind and supportive of me. I truly know that this journey will be long and not easy...and the hardest part is not knowing ahead of time where it will end up. I want to make the right decisions for me this time, and I know that no matter where it ends up it will all be ok.
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Old 09-27-2009, 08:14 PM
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I'm sorry that happened, and I hope you can see that for what it was - just an alcoholic trying to make himself feel better by making you feel bad. It still makes you feel bad though I'm sure, but you have to know that is just ridiculous even on face value. Like you have a big "bitch" sign on your forehead and everyone can spot you a mile a way - you have to laugh at that in retrosprect!! Please! I'm so glad to hear your thoughts on all the things you are going to do for yourself while he's gone. I bet you will find that thoughtful, shining star you have always been, that just got a little off trace with ALOT of help! Stay strong hon!!
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Old 09-28-2009, 05:38 AM
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Mellane, welcome to you.

I guess at some stage in our lives, lots of us here have been called 'bitches' or worse by our partners when drinking. I was in the same situation, and told his "friends" didn't want to meet me because I looked like a bitch. I fear I couldn't help laughing, which upset him and then some, to the point where he stormed off. I couldn't resist asking one of the men how long he'd known ABF, and as I thought, they had met in the pub that day and DIDN'T EVEN KNOW ABF'S NAME. His "Friends"???? LOL :rotfxko

Take this heaven sent time to put yourself as number 1 priority, read, post, go to Alanon, listen, vent and get it all out, then go pamper yourself as best you can. If all you can manage is to lie down with your feet up for half an hour, do it.

You can't see into the future, so have no idea whether your AH will even see out the 30 days, drink as soon as he gets out, pay lip service to a program for a short while, or do the hard yards and remain in recovery. Nor do you know how or what you will be feeling or what you will want to do with YOUR life, after 30 days.

You are both in recovery, and you have a wonderful opportunity to make your life so much better and happier for YOU, just as he does.

I do wish you a good, successful 30 days in your cocoon of learning, and then see you emerging as a butterfly.

God bless
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