Why do they have to be so vindictful?

Old 09-27-2009, 02:34 AM
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Location: ontario, canada
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Why do they have to be so vindictful?

AS has been staying with a christian family for a month until he got into a one year program. He left thursday morning ( was never so glad to see him leave). A pastor from one of the churches took him and helped him get all of his paper work in order to leave. In order to go to this program he wasnt to have any outstanding charges.Turns out something else has come to light he was asked to leave the program yesterday until he dealt with this new charge. I spoke to the pastor about this, he said the centre was aware of it, some type of mix up, anyhow its irrelevent. The spot is still open. I was at the hairdresser yesterday when I got the call the pastor asked if we would pick him up 2 hours away,believe me the thought of it made my stomach turn. When I spoke to AS on the phone he said the centre would not release his 40.00 to get home ( another lie) I found the envelope on the car floor. When we got to the bus terminal, he was drunk. I should have left him there, I didnt. The drive back home was horrible. Swearing, blaming me for his life, crying, talking suicide. Then he starts counting money from his pocket. Tells me this undoubtful storry. While he was waiting for us in a bar, he was speaking to a christian man. This man handed him over 500.00 and said " brother you need this more then I do" Turns out its the exxact amount of money he owes to make restitution to the courts. He goes on and on about it in the vehicle. If he werent such a liar I might believe it to be a miracle. The christian man was at the bar trying to help a friend. In two hours he came up with 500.00 from somewhere. I took him back to the home where he was staying. In front of this couple I told him to stay away from our home. He blew in front of them. How I am a thief because my company is on the verge of bankruptcy, so I am no different then him. He said some very horrible things. Addicts are the nastiest, most vindictful people when using. He also said " he was going to destroy my life and hoped that I loose my home"
Doesnt he see through his selfish ways we didnt have to pick him up, nor do we have to put up with his crap.Self centered! Today he will call pretending everything is fine. I love my son but despise the addict. My daughter is home for 2 months and he is bent on destroying her visit out of jealousy. She doesnt even want to see him. Really needed to vent this morning. My nerves just cant take anymore.
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Old 09-27-2009, 04:40 AM
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Oh, I'm sorry to hear about all of it. Is your son an adult? As hard as it sounds to do, one option you have is to have absolutely no contact with him. Simply because you are the man's mom does not mean he has a free pass to abuse you and your daughter. People in active addiction will do and say anything to continue abusing their drug of choice. At this point, no contact may be a truly viable option.

It sounds as though he is not any where near done yet.....he is the only one who will be able to decide when he is done.

Huge hugs to you for all that you had to endure on that fun-filled ride home! I hope your day is better!!!

Hugs and prayers, HG
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Old 09-27-2009, 05:41 AM
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he is 22 years old, however he behave like a 16 year old. All part of the addiction. Like a spoiled rotten child that doesnt get his own way. I am really sick of his self centered whining and complaining, the poor me attitude. How true if you let it happen the addict will take you financially and emotionally to the bottom with the. What a creative story a christian man handed him a bunch of money??????
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Old 09-27-2009, 06:04 AM
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My heart really goes out to you. I hope you do some things today to release stress.
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:10 AM
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As difficult as it may be, I agree that no, or greatly reduced contact is probably the most viable option.

There are few things more difficult than not reacting or responding to irrational behavior of an alcoholic; the abusive language, threats, irresponsibility, and their dogged efforts to transfer their guilt onto the nearest warm body.

I canít even imagine how difficult this would be with a child, regardless of age. I am very new to this, but I've learned to recognize the toxic patterns in my relationship with my RAW. I have also learned that unless we break the cycle of codependency, we put our own well being and sanity at risk.

A critical step in toward breaking that cycle is learning to detach. I wonít presume to suggest how might do that. Speaking personally, Iíve begun kind of an incremental detachment process from my RAW. As I identify specific behavior as her attempt to make me feel responsible or guilty for the difficulties she experiences as a result of the decisions sheís made, I donít respond, and carefully withdraw until that behavior stops. That is not easy, but I believe that I see some positive albeit small changes as a result. I am changing the pattern of how weíve always related by not reacting or responding to the irrational behavior she exhibits at times.

This site has been very helpful in getting me to this point. I also have someone very close to me that helps keep me focused on what is really going when these episodes occur. Detachment become easier the we practice it. Maybe give some thought to any small thing you might be able to do to break the cycle with your son.

My heart aches for your situation. I wish you all the best .
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:27 AM
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Ohhhhhh.......now I get it....
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I can't imagine having an AS. I have an AH and I had to finally get to the point where I didn't call him, I didn't bail him out, I didn't help him financially and I didn't listen to his lies. I let him suffer the consequences of his lies and his disease. I stopped "watching" him and began to heal myself. I focused on myself and detatched!!!!!! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers today.
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Old 09-27-2009, 07:52 AM
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Katie - I'm so sorry. I have an AS, too, though we are not in quite the same situation. My son seems to be doing alright in a sober-living house.

I don't have any magical words of wisdom for you, but just wanted to ask if you have ANY type of support group or therapy available to you? I don't know how I would have remained sane without mine.
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