Realization
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Realization
Went to the Farmers Market this morning. Also Kiwanis, a charity-based second hand everything market that's only open on Saturdays. I just moved to this town, away from AH. Lived here for about 20 years off and on and I really have come back home.
He was supposed to move here with me and the kids, but won't stop drinking. Won't stop his affair. Won't respect me or himself. Bla bla f******bla..
Walking through the market I see couples, happy couples and realized I never really felt safe with him. He never loved me, not like I loved him. Or whatever that was that I did with him.
I always felt like a fake. We would go out together and I felt like we were acting. Acting like a couple.
My AH never loved me because his only love, really, is the booze and himself. I can love him. I did, but it turned into an obssessive mess, with me keeping track of where he went, who he communicated with, how much he drank and how much he spent on drinking.
We weren't happy. We weren't good to each other. We weren't friends.
Suspicion and fear took over my life and replaced any love, respect or trust.
I am so thankful to be able to see these things without gut wrenching pain. I can observe them. And make better choices today. It purges the pain I've been feeling. It was valid! I was in a horrible, dark place.
He was supposed to move here with me and the kids, but won't stop drinking. Won't stop his affair. Won't respect me or himself. Bla bla f******bla..
Walking through the market I see couples, happy couples and realized I never really felt safe with him. He never loved me, not like I loved him. Or whatever that was that I did with him.
I always felt like a fake. We would go out together and I felt like we were acting. Acting like a couple.
My AH never loved me because his only love, really, is the booze and himself. I can love him. I did, but it turned into an obssessive mess, with me keeping track of where he went, who he communicated with, how much he drank and how much he spent on drinking.
We weren't happy. We weren't good to each other. We weren't friends.
Suspicion and fear took over my life and replaced any love, respect or trust.
I am so thankful to be able to see these things without gut wrenching pain. I can observe them. And make better choices today. It purges the pain I've been feeling. It was valid! I was in a horrible, dark place.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by transformyself 
I always felt like a fake. We would go out together and I felt like we were acting. Acting like a couple.
My AH never loved me because his only love, really, is the booze and himself. I can love him. I did, but it turned into an obssessive mess, with me keeping track of where he went, who he communicated with, how much he drank and how much he spent on drinking.
We weren't happy. We weren't good to each other. We weren't friends.
Suspicion and fear took over my life and replaced any love, respect or trust.
I am so thankful to be able to see these things without gut wrenching pain. I can observe them. And make better choices today. It purges the pain I've been feeling. It was valid! I was in a horrible, dark place.
My AH never loved me because his only love, really, is the booze and himself. I can love him. I did, but it turned into an obssessive mess, with me keeping track of where he went, who he communicated with, how much he drank and how much he spent on drinking.
We weren't happy. We weren't good to each other. We weren't friends.
Suspicion and fear took over my life and replaced any love, respect or trust.
I am so thankful to be able to see these things without gut wrenching pain. I can observe them. And make better choices today. It purges the pain I've been feeling. It was valid! I was in a horrible, dark place.
I never cease to be amazed at the shear speed at which some of you wonderful women "get it".
Seems like it took me an eternity. Maybe it's the opposite of "time flies when you're having fun"! ........"Time stands still when you're having none".
Any way, you are doing very well indeed. Good job.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Coyote medicine for Native folks is trickster medicine. Survivor, teacher, fool. I love this picture because it shows Coyote catchin a ride, looking all relaxed like she knows where she's goin and how to get there.
You do too. Just listen. Wisdom comes from unexpected places.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
She is an amazing creature. Just beautiful, thank you so much!
My avatar is more of a wolf, I actually got to see 2 coyotes a while back, rare because they usually "lay low" during the daytime. Hadn't seen one since I was a kid.
The two I saw were pretty "rangy" looking, what with this drought and all. Still beautiful to me. They are survivors, so am I.
Come to think of it I'm pretty "rangy" myself!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. She/you have made my day!
LMC loved her too.
My avatar is more of a wolf, I actually got to see 2 coyotes a while back, rare because they usually "lay low" during the daytime. Hadn't seen one since I was a kid.
The two I saw were pretty "rangy" looking, what with this drought and all. Still beautiful to me. They are survivors, so am I.
Come to think of it I'm pretty "rangy" myself!
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
P.S. She/you have made my day!
LMC loved her too.
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