tell me not to respond
 

to this PLEASE and tell me why not because i'm seeing red and sooo mad that he's saying this crap to me.

He's living in our FORECLOSED house. He drank the money away. I wanted for us to commit to each other for a year and get through this with the kids, found this house for us to rent, secured the truck and people to help us move and then caught him texting his affair partner from last year.

even then I wanted him to move here with us but THANK GOD he decided he couldn't live with me and we are now seperated.

He agreed to pay me a certian amount of money every paycheck, now he's saying he can't. I Know I need to A) make more money, which I will do and B) get some support papers in place so I don't have to deal iwth this crazy crap and his accuations. He sent this to me today after raging at me yesterday about money. I want to email him back horrible things. Please remind me of why that will only make things worse.

Dont answer...

My therapist recommended this to me, whenever something happens that messes me up, take AT LEAST 3, 4 days to calm down so I react from a more rational approach.... gladly I am as far away as possible from madmen now and I haven't needed to to that in months :)

He considers sorting out stuff "living in terror"? finding a new place if needed and being responsible is what adults do all the time, newsflash, LOL.

Breathe....

He's telling you what you need to do. I think you are perfectly capable of deciding what you need to do entirely without his input. Don't you?

Of course he's living in fear. He knows you have a right to child support, possibly even spousal support.

Don't waste your time responding to him. Your time and energy is much better spent getting your legal ducks in a row.

Did you get a notebook to put your anger in yet? It really helps.................

L

Why don't you post your response here instead?

And please get started on getting child support. You can't count on him to give you money. Obviously his word isn't worth much.

FWIW, his email is filled with blame and self-pity. Don't feed into it.

Hey Sailor, thanks a lot! LOL!

You're right too TC, the thing that makes me angriest is him saying i'm not working when he's got the kids and also that he cant accept me doing yoga. What a jerk. He told me recently that he's not paying for yoga (no one is, I barter with the studio, do marketing for them) becaue he doesn't see any benefits.

Are you kidding me? Have I run him over with the car? No. He's seeing benefits.

It's like he's jealous of the yoga. Because I'm doing something I love and he loves drinking and gets in trouble for it.

crazy making S***

I'm still confused as to why he thinks YOU should make more money. He isn't a stand-up kind of guy and might not be even if he weren't drinking. I have kidded myself a bit into thinking that if Robert were totally sober, things would have been so totally different between us. They would have been on many levels, but we have to remember that there are elements of someone's personality that are not substance induced. Sometimes the guy is simply self-centered and I've been around men who had no alcohol/drug issues but were very self-absorbed and self-centered anyway. I believe we deserve better than that. I hope we all find the peace & contentment that we all seek.

He's using the yoga as an excuse to him drinking.

Hmm, compare yoga and drinking.... yep... doesn't make any sense. :) With an addict, it never does make any sense. Keep taking care of yourself in yoga class and you don't have to explain to him how you get it done. He's doing this "woe is me" game that usually gets us sucked back in. Don't feel guilty or let him pursuade you into feeling guilty because you are taking care of yourself. Do you. :)

I wouldn't respond. As I read his email/letter it appears that he isn't asking for a response. He's pushing buttons.

wanting, I thought about posting my resonse here, but I would blow out the computer program that fills in the bad words..

If I need to later I will. For now, I"m trying to finish two bio's and a grant proposal for work. You know, I'm perfectly capable of making more money. Forget I based being able to afford this place on BOTH our incomes and he screwed that up, like he does everytihng else because he's a selfish childish drunk.

Ok here's my response:

On my days away from the boys I don't bring in anything? I am working my butt off to write, unpack, figure out how to buy groceries and pay bills with nothing and sort out why I"m so screwed up that I stayed with an abusive A** for 14 years. FOURTEEN YEARS!! What the h** is wrong with me??

You look at my yoga like you look at your drinking? Why, is it opposite day? Wtf?? Drinking makes you: more selfish, ugly, mean, break things, makes your children cry and your wife leave you. You don't just drink, you immerse yourself in it. No matter what you have to have beer, you'll spend the last of the money, even if there's no food in the house, you have beer. Jesus, you drank our HOUSE AWAY dumb a**!!!

Yoga makes me: calmer, gentler, less anxious, heals my soul, knees, and broken heart. It makes me a better mother, sister, person and wife. But that doesn't matter because I am, soon to be was, the wife of a full blown drunk which brings us to ACCOUNTABILITY

You are out of your freaking mind. You telling me I need to be accountable is infuriating and insane. You are such a hypocrite, I don't even know where to start except to say that you blame me for all of your problems in exceptionally brilliant ways. Twisting things around, making me doubt myself, taking advantage of my drive to look within myself and take responsibility for my life.

I know how to do that. I like it. I like that I can honestly wieigh my actions and see if I'm ok with them or not, listen to feedback people give me and then fix the stuff thats wrong with me. That's more than you'll ever be able to do.

You can live in a hole in the dirt for all I care. You stole our house from me and the kids. You took their childhood home from them. Their dog is buried in that back yard. I hate you and I hate me for staying with you for so long.

Oh, and the songs you write are STUPID.

So many good things to agree with here.

Don't reply, it will only feed him

If you do reply, don't for several days. I always take a few days to reply when I am upset. I know how bad I can be right out of the box. I need time to think things through and be calm.

You should never give up Yoga. This makes you feel good about yourself, and it doesn't harm others. You come out feeling at peace and I bet your kids appreciate you afterwards. My kids sure can tell a difference after I put in a good hard run, hehe.

Most of all, he is continuing to point the finger away from himself. Don't look at that finger until he points it at himself. That is where the true blame lies.

Be strong! Your SR friends are here for you. =)

The last sentence made me laugh. :)

I think you are too intertwined with him and a little piece of you still thinks that you can say something that will get through. I hope you don't respond to him, because he will never understand the logic. WE know that yoga is something you're doing for yourself, which is brave and amazing of you, but you're also doing it for those around you, including your kids and including what's-his-face, because you are a caring and conscious person who has the inner beauty to see her impact on the world around her.

I like that!

Thanks Zak. I really appreciate that.

I wasn't able to go to yoga today and am not feeling the most serene, as you can see. I feel all emotional right now, crying and angry. But I have to go get my youngest son in 30 minutes, pick him up from AH. God, I hope I can keep my mouth shut.

This anger is so different, though. It's got sadness to it that i can't explain. Before, when I would be angry at him for being so horrible, there was something else attached to it. I think I stayed for so long because of his affairs, because I felt so bad about myself, I didn't want him to go to HER, I was afraid of that.

But when your worst fears come true, it seems there is nothing left to fear.

Now, I"m left with just being angry. Not afraid. Sad, yes. For my kids. And even for him.

Thanks for letting me vent everyone.

I totally understand what you mean about staying because of the affairs and your self-esteem. I never would have thought of it like that, so thanks!

Wanting
WE know that yoga is something you're doing for yourself, which is brave and amazing of you, but you're also doing it for those around you, including your kids and including what's-his-face, because you are a caring and conscious person who has the inner beauty to see her impact on the world around her.

thank you! I think I am genuinly offended that he's attacked my yoga practice. I mean, it's BIKRAM. I do 90 minutes of yoga in a 105 degree room. It shows me I can do things that are hard. I LOVE it. It's transforming me, transforming my suffering, that's why I gave myself this name. transformyself. Because of the hard work I do in yoga.

Of course I will have to learn to unlearn caring about what he thinks. I loved him. I really did. I wanted us to be happy.

Now I will do it without him.

And I have no doubt you will. :)

L

When I was going thru my separation and then divorce, there were times that the only way we communicated was via email. I found a few good recovery friends who would help me... I would write what I really wanted to say - venting, mostly - and I could send to them instead of to him. My sponsor often told me to go back in and delete all of the adjectives and make it just the facts. (She usually said that to me in her best Joe Friday voice - give us the facts ma'am, just the facts...)

She was also really good at reading his responses back to me: blah blah blah, pick them up at 8, blah blah blah no money, blah blah blah lawyer.

Remembering this makes me laugh, though you might find that hard to believe. I am so incredibly grateful for the life I have today, and for what great young men my sons have turned out to be.

There is light and life on the other side of this, THAT I can promise you.

I would answer

"Thanks to you I am motivated to try vinyasa and hatha yoga, too... just as you build an arsenal of lies I need to create my own arsenal to defend my peace from you at all costs"

Yoga rules!! i love it because I can do it in my home, its free, available any time I need, and I can do it for 5 minutes or 2 hours depending on my schedule.... his comments are among the most ridiculous I've heard...

Or another imagined reply..

"Looks like someone needs kundalini :) " LOL.

Thank you everyone.

I had the teensiest melt down before going to pick up my youngest. I was shocked, first of all that I was crying after writing that vent. Why. Why was I sad?

The next big surprise came about 9 minutes later when I didn't care anymore.

didn't care to analyze: our relationship/his actions/thoughts/future acts
didn't care whether or not: he loves/cares/respects/understands me

I just didn't care. The pain that I expected to roll over me, make me cry in my car and punch me in the gut didn't come. And I swear to you, it took less than 10 minutes for me to be singing in my car again. What the heck is going on?

I think I've finally had enough. My soul, or my higher being, or my higher power or the healthy part of me has had enough pain and self inflicted torture. I really do want to be happy and it's happening.

Oh thats right. I was praying for peace. I been praying for happiness. I've been calling these things to me. Package delivered.

It sounds like maybe you released your emotions with the crying. Like, it was a chemical/physical thing. I have experienced this when I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and work my way through it. That's kind of what you did by posting here.