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queenie88 09-25-2009 07:39 AM

what is wrong with me?? (vent/confused)
 
What is wrong with me? I KNOW I have things I want/need to say to xabf, but even when the opportunity presents itself, I find myself backing down or smoothing things over. Below I’ve detailed some exchanges he and I have had recently, when we were talking about our relationship and our problems, what went wrong, etc. His accusation/statement, my response, and what I WANTED to say but couldn’t for some reason.

XABF (talking about when I snooped through his email and then got angry and threw a remote): That showed me that you really didn’t care about me, and that you’re selfish, and when you did those things, you weren’t even thinking of me at all!
Me: I admit that those behaviors weren’t healthy and I’m sorry, but I think in every relationship there are times when things like that happen. And I think even you’ve had moments like that.
What I WANTED to say: What about when I met all your friends for the first time and I asked you to not get so drunk that we had to stay at your friends’ house, and you passed out anyway and we had to stay! What about when I confronted you crying about it, and you told me “I can’t handle all this emotional bullsh*t”? What about the other times you got drunk and passed out, or almost knocked me into a bonfire, and bruised my leg because you were drunk and stumbling around? What about all the times I tried to talk to you about everything, and you didn’t care at all???

XABF: I think we had different expectations of our relationship. I wanted something relaxing, to be with someone who was just happy to be with me, I wanted someone dependable and accountable.
Me: The situation was hard for me, I couldn’t find work and I was away from home and I freaked out.
What I WANTED to say: HOW ARE YOU DEPENDABLE AND ACCOUNTABLE AT ALL??? I can’t even trust you to stay conscious when you drink. You wanted something “relaxing”? Meaning, you wanted something easy, no work involved, with someone who doesn’t have feelings, needs or emotions?? ARE YOU CRAZY?

XABF: When I was gone and I came back and saw that you had ended our Facebook relationship status, I mean you just wanted everyone to know you weren’t in a relationship any more.
Me: Was I supposed to leave it up as a constant daily painful reminder that we weren’t in a relationship any more? Or wait around for you to come back and do it anyway? It was going to happen eventually.
What I WANTED to say: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? You dumped ME. You kicked me out of your house, strung me along by saying you loved me and wanted to work on things, and then dumped me two days before you would be incommunicado in Mexico. Also, are you 12 years old???

XABF: I think it has to do with our chemistry, how we relate to each other. Didn’t you say in your previous relationships you were used to being in control? (I said this because my last boyfriend was completely incompetent and didn’t really have a mind of his own and completely adapted my personality…didn’t know it would be thrown back in my face later.) So I think that’s it, you just seemed to resent me for it and you always had your back up.
Me: Everyone gets a little defensive sometimes…
What I WANTED to say: Perhaps I was in constant fight or flight mode because of your craziness????? And how dare you throw something back in my face that I told you because I was trying to open up and express myself truthfully.

XABF: How am I just supposed to get over what happened? How do I work on things? (I think he asked me this because, he legitimately doesn’t know how to have a healthy relationship with someone.)
Me: Well, you talk about things, it’s a conscious effort, you look at the other person and see they’re truthfully and sincerely sorry for what they did and they’ve apologized and tried to make reparations. Then I’d take a look at myself and see if there was some kind of behavior or something I did that might have contributed to what happened.
XABF: So you’re saying there’s something I did that caused this? NO. That’s not it, I haven’t done anything, NO. That’s ridiculous.
What I WANTED to say: ………………………………………………………………..wow. There are no words.

What is with this unhealthy way of communicating? WHAT am I doing? Why can’t I just tell him how I really feel? I’m getting so frustrated. I just want to sit down and tell him everything that happened from my point of view, but I don’t want to seem like I’m blaming him or making accusations but this is just crazy. I’m sitting here taking it, because I guess (as evidenced in our last exchange above) he TRULY believes he’s not to be held responsible for any of this!!! So maybe it wouldn’t even make a difference anyway? UGH.

Zak68 09-25-2009 07:44 AM

Queenie, I know exactly what you are going through. My AW, soon to be XAW, was the same way. I would dance around her feelings, not wanting to "poke the bear" so to speak.

Now that I have found the strength to move on I tell her what's on my mind. I don't have to worry about pushing her too far and dealing with the consequences. I tell her what I feel now and boy does it feel GOOD!

In time I hope she heals and sees what she did and accepts responsibility for all of her actions. For now I am confident in me choices and know I am much better off without her drama in my life.

transformyself 09-25-2009 08:03 AM

At the fourth of July, my AH told me that I psychically caused a rock to explode in a camp fire, burning our children, to show him that he was wrong for letting them get so close to it.

yes, you read that correctly.

We had been fighting. I wanted them further from the fireworks and fire. He, of course, called me controlling. A rock that was in the fire exploded (this can happen with porous rocks that hold water, it's just like hand granade) sending burning coals everywhere and the kids were hit by some of it.

After, he told me this. I caused it to happen. With my mind powers.

True, I am very psychic and "know" things intuitively, but this is an example of how insane his thinking is and how insane I was for engaging. He's a mental and emotional contortionist.

Freedom, my dear, is when I detach. Today i choose to do that. Getting there is a long road, but once you try it, you're gonna love it.

I hope you go out and do something you love today, starting with exercise. I know, you folks are probably getting tired of hearing me say that...

Ago 09-25-2009 08:08 AM

I had a HUGE a-ha moment around this sort of thing awhile back

If I drive into the middle of a swamp, every direction I drive is the wrong direction, it's like once I make the decision to jump in the quicksand, any struggles I have will just make me sink deeper. As long as I struggle and fight with the swamp or quicksand I "lose". period. There is no "win".

The only answer is to get out of the swamp or out of the quicksand, either of which will kill me or feed me, they don't care which.

Like I have done the same thing, written out equivalents to both your answers A and B, spent countless hours writing emails to try to explain "my point of view" and it's ALL insanity, the only path to sanity is to get out of the swamp, get out of the quicksand, then work on myself to see why I insist on jumping into swamps and quicksand.

LTD wrote about this sort of thing awhile back, the "swamp" is different but the same, the point is as long as I engage with "the problem" the problem increases


You named yourself 'whyamistaying,' but I don't think you have
honestly answered that question yet.

I don't see it as a problem of driving him, or not driving him.
Disabling or not disabling cars, unable to trust him alone with his
own children, 'choosing' beer over his family....

These are all symptoms of a dysfunctional alcoholic/codependent
relationship. You are in the middle of a power struggle. You still
believe, either consciously or subconsciously, you can get what you
want.
Him to stop drinking and be the husband and father you want him
to be. He is proving to you every day that he is not willing to do
that, so you ratchet up the pressure to make it more and more
difficult for him to keep drinking. Yet he continues drinking.

So, honestly, why are you staying? I'll know you'll say you need his
income, you don't want to break up the family, etc. These are all the
things I said, too. The real answer is you still think you can win.
You believe that if you just hold your ground long enough, he will
finally break and do things your way. Until you are willing to give up
the idea that you have any control over him at all, you will continue
reacting, struggling, and resenting.


I say all this not as a judgment, but from my own experience. I know
how it feels to be where you are and it very much sucks. I hope you
get to the acceptance stage sooner than I did.

For me, as long as I stay in the Tiger cage and poke the Tiger, The Tiger will continue to maul me, it's not the Tigers fault, it's what Tigers do, what I need to learn how to do is find out why I keep going to Tiger Cages and stop doing so.

A friend of mine explained it by saying, "If I drive into the Ghetto at 2AM in a Ferrari wearing a Rolex looking to buy some Crack Cocaine, I am going to get mugged, I can stop and try to argue with these people for mugging me, I can keep going back and get mugged over and over and then go crying to my friends about how they keep mugging me, I can get angry, hurt, play the victim, play the martyr, but as long as I keep going back to the ghetto to get my fix, they will continue to mug me, because THAT'S WHAT THEY DO IN THE GHETTO.

or I can just stop going to the Ghetto.

Can you go to some meetings, work the steps? go do some serious therapy? find out what is it in you that insists on going to the Ghetto and getting mugged every night?

laurie6781 09-25-2009 08:22 AM

Well, first I would say that he is using a bunch of psycho babble BS to keep you off balance.

Acceptance is hard to come by, however, why not accept the fact that you cannot explain yourself to him as he is so full of chit he won't hear you and he doesn't want to hear your explanations.

Instead, be grateful, be very very grateful that he is out of your life. Take care of you. You don't need a jerk like this in your life, you are worth much more than this person (idiot) could ever offer you.

If you really feel the need to tell him 'your side' then put it all down in a letter, every last bit of it. Then instead of sending him the letter through normal snail mail, which would solicit a response, go outside and burn the letter and let the ashes float up to the sky. This will give you closure and NO CONTACT.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

sailorjohn 09-25-2009 08:25 AM

Queenie, we're nuts. For every action of the alcoholic/addict, as long as we're caught up in that parallel universe, there is an equal and opposite reaction by us, usually just as nutty as what the alcoholic/addict does.

The good news, when you step back and out of that reality, our head starts to clear up and we see things exactly as they are. The crazy making-as long as we're engaged in it, on any level-will make us just as crazy as them.

More good news, since all of our crazy making is a process thing, we don't have to get drugs and alcohol out of our bodies for the fog to start lifting.

Trust me-and everyone else here-if you step away and start taking care of yourself, you will get better.

TakingCharge999 09-25-2009 08:27 AM

Hi queenie!!

As long as you try to reason with a madman it will keep being frustrating.

Ah, I know how it is like. I wish I could save you more pain! but I guess you will be done until you are done and tired of feeling like this.

He is not a normal person, he is an addict. His last sentences are full blown denial.

I was mad at myself by walking on eggshells until our very last sentence. Even when I was saying I was leaving I was not as direct, trying not to hurt him. Even today I can't talk about my life when he is around, I don't consider it in good taste.

Does this inability to communicate well, happen with other people in your life? I thought I had something wrong, but then I realized I can communicate stuff with others. They can listen. They may acknowledge my feelings. They may not even need to hear me, just by looking at my face they know.

I was a mess just with this person. I concluded it was because I felt invisible, by previous acts I already knew I couldn't show my vulnerability because it was going to be used against me (oh and it was!!), so how could I open up and be honest if I had to protect myself too? I tried and every time I failed. I couldn't and I can't...

In my humble opinion the only thing you are doing wrong is ignoring he is an addict... once you understand normal "rules" do not apply at all with them.. it will get easier.... and you will understand their universe is no longer worth visiting.

Maybe he will never get your side of things in this life. And it is OK. I believe we will all face God/HP one day. And we will see the impact we've got on others, good and bad. HP knows the truth.

Go no contact. Just for today... go no contact... don't be fooled by his lies and denial... acknowledge your own feelings... journal... make them valid and real. After that you will realize none of what others imagine to be real matters. And it is a great feeling !!! but it is more difficult if you keep hearing meaningless words designed to protect someone's ADDICTION.

URMYEVERYTHING 09-25-2009 09:52 AM


Originally Posted by queenie88 (Post 2379252)
What is with this unhealthy way of communicating? WHAT am I doing? Why can’t I just tell him how I really feel? I’m getting so frustrated. I just want to sit down and tell him everything that happened from my point of view, but I don’t want to seem like I’m blaming him or making accusations but this is just crazy. I’m sitting here taking it, because I guess (as evidenced in our last exchange above) he TRULY believes he’s not to be held responsible for any of this!!! So maybe it wouldn’t even make a difference anyway? UGH.

Hi Queenie,
The first question is..... Do you want to sit down with him and tell him how you feel? If he's an addict then what are you really expecting him to do? Is he even capable? Ask yourself these questions first and then if you have made your decision to tell him how you feel then.....

Tell him how you feel by using "I" statements only. It gives him less room to dance around you and you are setting your boundaries at the same time.

For example according to your examples.
I feel like I'm being blamed for changing my Facebook status. As I recall, I didn't end this relationship. (You are essentially stating what happened (the facts) without pointing fingers or putting blame on anyone).

If he wants to argue this... then fine. You have a choice though. If you feel you are being unheard, you can walk away and simply say "I feel like I'm not being heard" and ask to have the conversation later. Take a moment to cool down and try again later when BOTH of you are willing to hear what the other has to say.

The key is sticking to "I" statements and attaching a feeling to it. When you start pointing fingers... then the conversation turns into one that leaves you confused and baffled... that feeling that nothing was accomplished.

However, for this technique to work though... both sides have to be willing to communicate this way. Otherwise, it's :lala. If he's unwilling and you still feel stuck, then he may not be capable of having a healthy conversation/relationship with you because of his own issues.

Hope this helps. :c033:

LaTeeDa 09-25-2009 10:01 AM

Oh man. I used to do this all the time. I would "rehearse" conversations in my head. I had it all planned out what I would say, and how I would FINALLY WIN!

It never played out the way I had it planned, and I never won. I only made myself insane.

It is a power struggle. You think if you say just the right words in just the right way, he will finally "see the light." You will be vindicated and he will see how "right" you are.

This is a fast track to the insane asylum. Forget it. You will never win, and you will become crazier, and crazier, the more you try.

You must stop. It is a deadly game you are playing with him. The only way you win is to STOP PLAYING. Face the pain and loss, and then get on with living.

Or, you can continue playing the game until you are completely crazy....

It's entirely up to you.

L

Ago 09-25-2009 10:05 AM


Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING (Post 2379383)
Hi Queenie,
The first question is..... Do you want to sit down with him and tell him how you feel?

If so, then what I see from your above posts is that you can simply do that. Tell him how you feel by using "I" statements only.

For example according to your examples.
I feel like I'm being blamed for changing my Facebook status. As I recall, I didn't end this relationship. (You are essentially stating what happened (the facts) without pointing fingers or putting blame on anyone).

If he wants to argue this... then fine. You have a choice though. If you feel you are being unheard, you can walk away and simply say "I feel like I'm not being heard" and ask to have the conversation later. Take a moment to cool down and try again later when BOTH of you are willing to hear what the other has to say.

The key is sticking to "I" statements and attaching a feeling to it. When you start pointing fingers... then the conversation turns into one that leaves your confused and baffled... that feeling that nothing was accomplished.

However, for this technique to work though... both sides have to be willing to communicate this way. Otherwise, it's :lala. If he's unwilling and you still feel stuck, then he may not be capable of having a healthy conversation/relationship with you because of his own issues.

Hope this helps. :c033:

Personally I tried that approach until I was blue in the face, it's important to learn how to "fight fair" a version of that is listed here in this thread:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...oundaries.html

Personally I found Anvilheads post the most helpful

but as long as I tried to "explain my point of view" to someone who wasn't interested in hearing or understanding it, it looked like this following thread, you can tell someone can't "hear" you if you have said the same thing 3,187 times to no avail, then it's time for a fresh perspective:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...re-stores.html

Then I found this helpful:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...are-store.html


Originally Posted by LaTeeDa (Post 2379389)
Oh man. I used to do this all the time. I would "rehearse" conversations in my head. I had it all planned out what I would say, and how I would FINALLY WIN!

It never played out the way I had it planned, and I never won. I only made myself insane.

It is a power struggle. You think if you say just the right words in just the right way, he will finally "see the light." You will be vindicated and he will see how "right" you are.

This is a fast track to the insane asylum. Forget it. You will never win, and you will become crazier, and crazier, the more you try.

You must stop. It is a deadly game you are playing with him. The only way you win is to STOP PLAYING. Face the pain and loss, and then get on with living.

Or, you can continue playing the game until you are completely crazy....

It's entirely up to you.


L

LTD is so spot on, I wish I could package this, like we hear in here how can I just get my husband sober, how can I make him understand???

We can't

What LTD wrote is the answer for US, it took me so very very very much suffering to understand it though.

You ever notice how hard it is to argue with someone who is not obsessed with being right?

long pause

glances in the mirror

/doesn't like what he sees and runs away

Good luck

silkspin 09-25-2009 10:40 AM

Queenie, I get where you're coming from but everyone is right. You (and him) are making you crazy. You want to get your point across to someone who does not want your point. But instead of making your point, you freeze up and say something else. Then you feel enraged that what he says is SOO backwards from your point but he never really heard your true point to begin with. And even if he did, he'd turn it around anyhow. What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Like the meaning of insanity - doing the same thing but expecting a different result. How many conversations like that are you willing to go through before you realize you're running in circles?

I REALLY understand the need to tell people how things are, to have them listen and say "oh yeah, I can't believe I didn't see it before. You're right". I had an BURNING need to have my thoughts known. Otherwise people would go on with their own wrong idea about something. Have you gone to Al Anon? This really helped me see that I don't have it right; I just have an opinion just like everyone else. And if I'm secure in myself, I don't need to convince anyone of anything. Even if they perceive something negative about me. For example, my parents were watching the news one night and my dad said something racist about the story. I used to immediately jump at him, saying he's wrong to be racist, not all people are like that, he should respect multi-culturalism etc etc. I would end up arguing with him, because I knew I was right, you shouldn't be racist, and I must change his mind. And now, I keep my mouth shut. He can have his opinions. All the past arguments never changed his mind anyhow, and both of us just ended up aggravated for NOTHING. It wasn't up to me to convince him of anything, so why was I inciting an argument? Why was I losing my peace?

You will not convince your XABF of anything. It's hard and it hurts when you feel misunderstood. In another situation it may be possible to have both sides admit their wrongs and move on. But your XABF is living in his own head, very self-centred. From that vantage point, it will always be your fault. Even if it's not. And because most A's protect their inner selves through drinking, they won't give up that attitude because it serves them. It allows them to move through life without ever taking responsibility, which means not having to deal with conflicts, consequences, and gasp, the possibility that they are wrong, their own emotional well being, and of those around them. You are trying to bring down an almost impenetrable shield, and the harder you try, the harder they'll fight against you. And it's not your fight anymore. I hope you choose to step out of the boxing ring.

URMYEVERYTHING 09-25-2009 11:16 AM

Sticking to "I" statements do work when both people are LISTENING to each other, but like others have said, if your ABF isn't willing to hear you then why stay in this dance with him? Would it even matter to tell him how you feel?

TakingCharge999 09-25-2009 11:18 AM

silkspin is right on.

Yesterday a coworker sent a very machist joke to several male coworkers and (who knows why) me.

I could have sent a feminist joke, complained, etc etc but what for? If at 35 he has not learned respect, am I going to teach him? is that even my role? nope

It was easier to send it to the trash without opening it :)

I know how much it sucks but the more you read about alcoholism the more you will understand the dynamics.... remember this guy is in denial about your relation, but if he keeps untreated he will be in denial until the last breathe of his life. Its alcoholism. He is an alcoholic. Its what they do. Deny, hurt, lie. He is not in your wavelength and he won't be anytime soon it seems. You can't change his alcoholism, cure it or control it. You never did, you can't do it now, and you won't be able to do it.. ever. Its too strong.

Step 1, accepted we are powerless over alcoholism.........

queenie88 09-25-2009 05:53 PM


Originally Posted by Zak68 (Post 2379258)
Queenie, I know exactly what you are going through. My AW, soon to be XAW, was the same way. I would dance around her feelings, not wanting to "poke the bear" so to speak.

Now that I have found the strength to move on I tell her what's on my mind. I don't have to worry about pushing her too far and dealing with the consequences. I tell her what I feel now and boy does it feel GOOD!

In time I hope she heals and sees what she did and accepts responsibility for all of her actions. For now I am confident in me choices and know I am much better off without her drama in my life.

i guess i haven't found that strength yet...i think some part of me hopes to reconcile. obviously that's never going to happen!!

queenie88 09-25-2009 05:54 PM


Originally Posted by transformyself (Post 2379282)
At the fourth of July, my AH told me that I psychically caused a rock to explode in a camp fire, burning our children, to show him that he was wrong for letting them get so close to it.

yes, you read that correctly.

We had been fighting. I wanted them further from the fireworks and fire. He, of course, called me controlling. A rock that was in the fire exploded (this can happen with porous rocks that hold water, it's just like hand granade) sending burning coals everywhere and the kids were hit by some of it.

After, he told me this. I caused it to happen. With my mind powers.

True, I am very psychic and "know" things intuitively, but this is an example of how insane his thinking is and how insane I was for engaging. He's a mental and emotional contortionist.

Freedom, my dear, is when I detach. Today i choose to do that. Getting there is a long road, but once you try it, you're gonna love it.

I hope you go out and do something you love today, starting with exercise. I know, you folks are probably getting tired of hearing me say that...

yes exercise is great! i just came back from running. always clears my head. i often feel crazy if i skip even a few days!

queenie88 09-25-2009 05:55 PM


Originally Posted by Ago (Post 2379291)
I had a HUGE a-ha moment around this sort of thing awhile back

If I drive into the middle of a swamp, every direction I drive is the wrong direction, it's like once I make the decision to jump in the quicksand, any struggles I have will just make me sink deeper. As long as I struggle and fight with the swamp or quicksand I "lose". period. There is no "win".

The only answer is to get out of the swamp or out of the quicksand, either of which will kill me or feed me, they don't care which.

Like I have done the same thing, written out equivalents to both your answers A and B, spent countless hours writing emails to try to explain "my point of view" and it's ALL insanity, the only path to sanity is to get out of the swamp, get out of the quicksand, then work on myself to see why I insist on jumping into swamps and quicksand.

LTD wrote about this sort of thing awhile back, the "swamp" is different but the same, the point is as long as I engage with "the problem" the problem increases



For me, as long as I stay in the Tiger cage and poke the Tiger, The Tiger will continue to maul me, it's not the Tigers fault, it's what Tigers do, what I need to learn how to do is find out why I keep going to Tiger Cages and stop doing so.

A friend of mine explained it by saying, "If I drive into the Ghetto at 2AM in a Ferrari wearing a Rolex looking to buy some Crack Cocaine, I am going to get mugged, I can stop and try to argue with these people for mugging me, I can keep going back and get mugged over and over and then go crying to my friends about how they keep mugging me, I can get angry, hurt, play the victim, play the martyr, but as long as I keep going back to the ghetto to get my fix, they will continue to mug me, because THAT'S WHAT THEY DO IN THE GHETTO.

or I can just stop going to the Ghetto.

Can you go to some meetings, work the steps? go do some serious therapy? find out what is it in you that insists on going to the Ghetto and getting mugged every night?

hmmm that's an interesting analogy. i never thought of it in terms of a power struggle or control, i just want what I THINK should go on in a normal, healthy relationship, ya know? is that too much to expect or ask for??

queenie88 09-25-2009 06:00 PM


Originally Posted by laurie6781 (Post 2379303)
Well, first I would say that he is using a bunch of psycho babble BS to keep you off balance.

Acceptance is hard to come by, however, why not accept the fact that you cannot explain yourself to him as he is so full of chit he won't hear you and he doesn't want to hear your explanations.

Instead, be grateful, be very very grateful that he is out of your life. Take care of you. You don't need a jerk like this in your life, you are worth much more than this person (idiot) could ever offer you.

If you really feel the need to tell him 'your side' then put it all down in a letter, every last bit of it. Then instead of sending him the letter through normal snail mail, which would solicit a response, go outside and burn the letter and let the ashes float up to the sky. This will give you closure and NO CONTACT.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

psycho babble BS is right. i think he prides himself on being cryptic and esoteric...like he's so intelligent and mysterious! he at one point told me he liked our repartee, how we talked to each other, our "chemistry"...i realized that we were talking about the most random things, none of it made any sense or was even real! we were just talking nonsensically! as soon as things got real i.e. "difficult" it became "our chemistry is f*cked, i don't like the way we talk to each other, i wanted a relaxing relationship."

:wtf2

UGH. i should have known from the beginning how this was going to turn out.

queenie88 09-25-2009 06:04 PM


Originally Posted by TakingCharge999 (Post 2379314)
Hi queenie!!I was a mess just with this person. I concluded it was because I felt invisible, by previous acts I already knew I couldn't show my vulnerability because it was going to be used against me (oh and it was!!), so how could I open up and be honest if I had to protect myself too? I tried and every time I failed. I couldn't and I can't...

In my humble opinion the only thing you are doing wrong is ignoring he is an addict... once you understand normal "rules" do not apply at all with them.. it will get easier.... and you will understand their universe is no longer worth visiting.

oh man, this really hits home! that's exactly how i felt...invisible! even things that i told him because i was trying to open up to him and be vulnerable were thrown back in my face once i got angry and acted out!

i thought it was me at first too. oh boy, did i believe everything he told me about the kind of person i was. if i'm not careful, i find myself sometimes slipping back into that way of thinking..."what if i am really selfish, immature, and an angry person?" but then i think about all the people in my life who do not think those things about me. i hope i can get to the point where i instinctually KNOW those things aren't me instead of having to find validation externally.

queenie88 09-25-2009 06:06 PM


Originally Posted by URMYEVERYTHING (Post 2379383)
Hi Queenie,
The first question is..... Do you want to sit down with him and tell him how you feel? If he's an addict then what are you really expecting him to do? Is he even capable? Ask yourself these questions first and then if you have made your decision to tell him how you feel then.....

Tell him how you feel by using "I" statements only. It gives him less room to dance around you and you are setting your boundaries at the same time.

For example according to your examples.
I feel like I'm being blamed for changing my Facebook status. As I recall, I didn't end this relationship. (You are essentially stating what happened (the facts) without pointing fingers or putting blame on anyone).

If he wants to argue this... then fine. You have a choice though. If you feel you are being unheard, you can walk away and simply say "I feel like I'm not being heard" and ask to have the conversation later. Take a moment to cool down and try again later when BOTH of you are willing to hear what the other has to say.

The key is sticking to "I" statements and attaching a feeling to it. When you start pointing fingers... then the conversation turns into one that leaves you confused and baffled... that feeling that nothing was accomplished.

However, for this technique to work though... both sides have to be willing to communicate this way. Otherwise, it's :lala. If he's unwilling and you still feel stuck, then he may not be capable of having a healthy conversation/relationship with you because of his own issues.

Hope this helps. :c033:

thanks for this suggestion! i'm really trying to be conscious about using "I" statements, but i wonder if any of it matters now? is it too past the point to bring these things up?

queenie88 09-25-2009 06:10 PM


Originally Posted by silkspin (Post 2379419)
Queenie, I get where you're coming from but everyone is right. You (and him) are making you crazy. You want to get your point across to someone who does not want your point. But instead of making your point, you freeze up and say something else. Then you feel enraged that what he says is SOO backwards from your point but he never really heard your true point to begin with. And even if he did, he'd turn it around anyhow. What exactly are you trying to accomplish? Like the meaning of insanity - doing the same thing but expecting a different result. How many conversations like that are you willing to go through before you realize you're running in circles?

I REALLY understand the need to tell people how things are, to have them listen and say "oh yeah, I can't believe I didn't see it before. You're right". I had an BURNING need to have my thoughts known. Otherwise people would go on with their own wrong idea about something. Have you gone to Al Anon? This really helped me see that I don't have it right; I just have an opinion just like everyone else. And if I'm secure in myself, I don't need to convince anyone of anything. Even if they perceive something negative about me. For example, my parents were watching the news one night and my dad said something racist about the story. I used to immediately jump at him, saying he's wrong to be racist, not all people are like that, he should respect multi-culturalism etc etc. I would end up arguing with him, because I knew I was right, you shouldn't be racist, and I must change his mind. And now, I keep my mouth shut. He can have his opinions. All the past arguments never changed his mind anyhow, and both of us just ended up aggravated for NOTHING. It wasn't up to me to convince him of anything, so why was I inciting an argument? Why was I losing my peace?

You will not convince your XABF of anything. It's hard and it hurts when you feel misunderstood. In another situation it may be possible to have both sides admit their wrongs and move on. But your XABF is living in his own head, very self-centred. From that vantage point, it will always be your fault. Even if it's not. And because most A's protect their inner selves through drinking, they won't give up that attitude because it serves them. It allows them to move through life without ever taking responsibility, which means not having to deal with conflicts, consequences, and gasp, the possibility that they are wrong, their own emotional well being, and of those around them. You are trying to bring down an almost impenetrable shield, and the harder you try, the harder they'll fight against you. And it's not your fight anymore. I hope you choose to step out of the boxing ring.

thank you for this, silkspin. i often feel like he's just living in a delusion, and all the people around him just feed into it. sometimes i wonder how many people can think that way? and then i feel crazy because i feel like i'm the only one who thinks the way i do...that he's a selfish alcoholic that really doesn't care about anybody.


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