Anyone pregnant and still living with AH?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 55
Anyone pregnant and still living with AH?
Hi everybody.
I guess this is a good news and a bad one at the same time.
The good part is that I am going to be a mom and I am very happy about it, but the sad part is that I live with my AH and it's harder to go through.
I was wondering if there's someone in my similar situation or has been in this kind of situation and can give me any advise or share any experience.
Thanks for reading.
I guess this is a good news and a bad one at the same time.
The good part is that I am going to be a mom and I am very happy about it, but the sad part is that I live with my AH and it's harder to go through.
I was wondering if there's someone in my similar situation or has been in this kind of situation and can give me any advise or share any experience.
Thanks for reading.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Hi luli, congrats on the upcoming birth, it's always a joy to bring new life into this beautiful world.
My ex gave birth to both our children while I was active in my addiction. Yes, I drank my way through the pregnancies and I'm sure most of the time I wasn't much fun to be around, but I was present for both births and I was at least a fairly high-functioning father, taking part in their lives as much as I possibly could. I do miss the nighttime feedings and diaper changing. Really, I'm not joking about that. The only regrets I have are that I wasn't the gentlest of fathers. I handled my kids roughly and became frustrated easily when they cried and fussed. Being selfish and self-centered, the last thing I wanted grating on my hangover was a shrieking baby.
My kids are 11 & 14 now, and they're my pride and joy. It's been almost 5 years since they've seen me drink, we share a lot of love for each other. So I can say with assurance that there's hope, even for a once hopeless guy like me.
What is it that you're concerned about? It might help if you gave a few more details about your current situation.
My ex gave birth to both our children while I was active in my addiction. Yes, I drank my way through the pregnancies and I'm sure most of the time I wasn't much fun to be around, but I was present for both births and I was at least a fairly high-functioning father, taking part in their lives as much as I possibly could. I do miss the nighttime feedings and diaper changing. Really, I'm not joking about that. The only regrets I have are that I wasn't the gentlest of fathers. I handled my kids roughly and became frustrated easily when they cried and fussed. Being selfish and self-centered, the last thing I wanted grating on my hangover was a shrieking baby.
My kids are 11 & 14 now, and they're my pride and joy. It's been almost 5 years since they've seen me drink, we share a lot of love for each other. So I can say with assurance that there's hope, even for a once hopeless guy like me.
What is it that you're concerned about? It might help if you gave a few more details about your current situation.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 55
Thanks Astro for your sharing!
Well, I just would like to know how to handle better the situation of being alone with any participation or support during pregnancy.
My AH is not very present at all. During the day, we work and at night he drinks or goes out until who knows when. Like he doesn't care about it.
We looked for this pregnancy for so long and when we finally have it, is like he doesn't want it and I feel like being fooled or something... Just disappointed...
Well, I just would like to know how to handle better the situation of being alone with any participation or support during pregnancy.
My AH is not very present at all. During the day, we work and at night he drinks or goes out until who knows when. Like he doesn't care about it.
We looked for this pregnancy for so long and when we finally have it, is like he doesn't want it and I feel like being fooled or something... Just disappointed...
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,047
Do you have any family members or friends nearby for support? Or maybe friends from support groups such as Al-Anon?
I'm sure you're disappointed, and yes even when I did care, I didn't do a very good job of showing it. I know my ex was able to reach out for love from others though when I wasn't being accountable.
I'm sure you're disappointed, and yes even when I did care, I didn't do a very good job of showing it. I know my ex was able to reach out for love from others though when I wasn't being accountable.
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: around the riverbend in the boonedocks, USA
Posts: 56
oh honey! Congrat's first off!!!
My X was active drinker threw the birth's of our daughters, no 3 and 5. The night my water broke, he was cleaning the house and drinking, cause I was on bed rest.
When our second daughter came time to go to the hospital, he drank a half pint before hand, then went to the bar afterwards that night, for a celebration drink.
3 weeks later, he was in and out of recovery centers and hospitals. We seperated twice, divorced a year ago.
a week ago he left a six month program from a christian recovery center. He's been the best I've ever seen him. We both and have always loved each other.... that's why it's always felt so hard.
I wish you the best, talk to him, when he's not had a drink, about how you feel. Remember what is important right now, first the baby, and your health, sanity. Your going to change alot in just the pregancey, so focus on that... that's what is important. I wish you the best of luck.
I made a promise to myself when I was prego with my first daughter. That I would give her the best life I could. I feel at times I have failed, but at other times I think I've done the best I could, at those times, with what I had.
HUGS and Take Care,
Kota
My X was active drinker threw the birth's of our daughters, no 3 and 5. The night my water broke, he was cleaning the house and drinking, cause I was on bed rest.
When our second daughter came time to go to the hospital, he drank a half pint before hand, then went to the bar afterwards that night, for a celebration drink.
3 weeks later, he was in and out of recovery centers and hospitals. We seperated twice, divorced a year ago.
a week ago he left a six month program from a christian recovery center. He's been the best I've ever seen him. We both and have always loved each other.... that's why it's always felt so hard.
I wish you the best, talk to him, when he's not had a drink, about how you feel. Remember what is important right now, first the baby, and your health, sanity. Your going to change alot in just the pregancey, so focus on that... that's what is important. I wish you the best of luck.
I made a promise to myself when I was prego with my first daughter. That I would give her the best life I could. I feel at times I have failed, but at other times I think I've done the best I could, at those times, with what I had.
HUGS and Take Care,
Kota
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Have you thought about a doula or a midwife to be there for YOU during your delivery? How about a sister, aunt or girlfriend that could be your personal support system throughout the pregnancy and delivery?
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Go read the sticky at the top from when I was pregnant. It was a nightmare. Finally after baby was 4 months old I realized I didn't want her exposed to such an alcoholic and I kicked him out (there were other reasons as well). Best decision I ever made. Now I will fight to keep her away from his madness. I wish I hadn't thought it would be different when we had her and kicked him out when I was still pregnant. No matter how you try and protect them from the alcoholic they will be exposed.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Congrats on the pregnancy 
I had all my children living with my AH.
Basically, in my experience, it all comes down to this...... His level of participation with you and the baby will be exactly like what it is now. Do not have expectations of anything else. You and the baby will be important (my babies and I certainly experience love and bonding), but not quite as important as his drinking and the behaviors that surround that. He will be about as reliable to carry through with promises/ and responsibilities in parenting as he is about carrying through with other family promises and responsibilities now. However he is now, is a very very good indication of how he will be then.
Of three pregnancies I went to every single appt. alone accept for one. He was there for all the births (and it was all good and only good memories with that) but I also arranged for myself to have a second support person there. That was a very good decision for me.
If I was available, I did the parenting. Every night, every morning, every meal, etc. Not out of a control thing but because he just did not do it. That should have been no shock to me (and wasn't after the first) because it was very consistent with his behavior before the baby.
If left untreated, the alcoholism will progress, as it always does. That is the only thing you should expect. It may be a slow progression, it may be a fast one, there may be spurts where you think things are improving (which I experienced especially after the birth of our last) but left untreated, it slowly but surely progresses.
Whatever he does to handle stress now will likely increase slightly. That is true of you, or anyone. Babies are stressful. Sleep is scarce. My AH went on more 'trips' with his buddies. He spent more time watching TV. He did not stick around and get angry at me or was never in anyway physical. It isn't how he handled his stress - but that is something to think about too.
I had all my children living with my AH.
Basically, in my experience, it all comes down to this...... His level of participation with you and the baby will be exactly like what it is now. Do not have expectations of anything else. You and the baby will be important (my babies and I certainly experience love and bonding), but not quite as important as his drinking and the behaviors that surround that. He will be about as reliable to carry through with promises/ and responsibilities in parenting as he is about carrying through with other family promises and responsibilities now. However he is now, is a very very good indication of how he will be then.
Of three pregnancies I went to every single appt. alone accept for one. He was there for all the births (and it was all good and only good memories with that) but I also arranged for myself to have a second support person there. That was a very good decision for me.
If I was available, I did the parenting. Every night, every morning, every meal, etc. Not out of a control thing but because he just did not do it. That should have been no shock to me (and wasn't after the first) because it was very consistent with his behavior before the baby.
If left untreated, the alcoholism will progress, as it always does. That is the only thing you should expect. It may be a slow progression, it may be a fast one, there may be spurts where you think things are improving (which I experienced especially after the birth of our last) but left untreated, it slowly but surely progresses.
Whatever he does to handle stress now will likely increase slightly. That is true of you, or anyone. Babies are stressful. Sleep is scarce. My AH went on more 'trips' with his buddies. He spent more time watching TV. He did not stick around and get angry at me or was never in anyway physical. It isn't how he handled his stress - but that is something to think about too.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 55
Hi thumper, my AH isn't violent either, but he spends a lot of time listening to music or playing music as a DJ in bars and only come back home when he is drunk.
I feel that he is being very selfish to think only in him and not in me and the babies and that breaks my heart completely.
After all these feedback, I think I have to plan everything without him. It's so sad...
I feel that he is being very selfish to think only in him and not in me and the babies and that breaks my heart completely.
After all these feedback, I think I have to plan everything without him. It's so sad...
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Congratulations!
I think you can plan to have him, I just wouldn't expect him to fill the roll perfectly. I guess it depends how far he is into his addiction. My AH and I have some truely wonderful memories from when our children were babies. I also have some really sad ones.
Here is an example. My AH didn't want to give the baby a bath, didn't know how ect... So I asked him if he wanted me to show him how. He said yes. So I did a little tutorial @ the next bath time. Eventually he took over that roll and enjoyed giving the kids baths. If I would have automatically dismissed him as being capable then I would have robbed him of the joy of caring for his children.
I am not telling you it will be lollipops and rainbows it won't be. But I try to seperate the person from the disease (I don't allways succeed).
When I first came to these boards I was pg. with my 3rd. I will try and link some of my posts for you.
Best wishes! Keep posting!
I think you can plan to have him, I just wouldn't expect him to fill the roll perfectly. I guess it depends how far he is into his addiction. My AH and I have some truely wonderful memories from when our children were babies. I also have some really sad ones.
Here is an example. My AH didn't want to give the baby a bath, didn't know how ect... So I asked him if he wanted me to show him how. He said yes. So I did a little tutorial @ the next bath time. Eventually he took over that roll and enjoyed giving the kids baths. If I would have automatically dismissed him as being capable then I would have robbed him of the joy of caring for his children.
I am not telling you it will be lollipops and rainbows it won't be. But I try to seperate the person from the disease (I don't allways succeed).
When I first came to these boards I was pg. with my 3rd. I will try and link some of my posts for you.
Best wishes! Keep posting!
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
This was my first post, It was full of sooooo much good advice!!!!!! Al-anon helps me so very much!
http://http://www.soberrecovery.com/...-new-here.html
If you scroll down to post #16 I shared my pg. w/ an AH. I hope this helps ((((hugs)))
http://http://www.soberrecovery.com/...ns-please.html
http://http://www.soberrecovery.com/...-new-here.html
If you scroll down to post #16 I shared my pg. w/ an AH. I hope this helps ((((hugs)))
http://http://www.soberrecovery.com/...ns-please.html
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Hong Kong
Posts: 55
Thanks Daisy!
I read it and I it is really what I think that is going to happen, more or less...
And you are right, is so sad.
I just hope can be 100% for my babies and be strong enough to do the parenting alone.
I read it and I it is really what I think that is going to happen, more or less...
And you are right, is so sad.
I just hope can be 100% for my babies and be strong enough to do the parenting alone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
You are right he is selfish. That is what alcoholism is.
You can be a good mother. You can be strong enough. My oldest is 10yo now. My advice on this front is to go to Al-Anon and stay in it. I was a good mother. I am a good mother. I definitely got sucked down into the craziness myself until I was not the mother my kids deserved and not the mother I could be. It happens subtly. It is insidious.
I once said being married to my AH was like running in quicksand. I run run run but never get further away from the bad or closer to the good. I just get sucked down until I could no longer think straight or function. That is what happens if you are not actively dealing with it. You get sucked into it and at that point - you are no longer the mother your kids deserve. I was just crazy - and I'm still working at becoming joyful, consistent, focused, etc. I am working at being healthy so my kids can be healthy. I do believe some women can be healthy while married to an alcoholic if they choose it but not if they don't do it with intent. I was living in denial, not with intent. Big difference.
You can be a good mother. You can be strong enough. My oldest is 10yo now. My advice on this front is to go to Al-Anon and stay in it. I was a good mother. I am a good mother. I definitely got sucked down into the craziness myself until I was not the mother my kids deserved and not the mother I could be. It happens subtly. It is insidious.
I once said being married to my AH was like running in quicksand. I run run run but never get further away from the bad or closer to the good. I just get sucked down until I could no longer think straight or function. That is what happens if you are not actively dealing with it. You get sucked into it and at that point - you are no longer the mother your kids deserve. I was just crazy - and I'm still working at becoming joyful, consistent, focused, etc. I am working at being healthy so my kids can be healthy. I do believe some women can be healthy while married to an alcoholic if they choose it but not if they don't do it with intent. I was living in denial, not with intent. Big difference.
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