Wow. Detachment is WONDERFUL!

Old 09-24-2009, 08:22 AM
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I Love Who I Am
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transformyself's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Wow. Detachment is WONDERFUL!

Just got raged at, suddenly, by AH on the phone. He said he may have to work earlier than 9am tomorrow, so could he bring the kids home tonight at 9pm instead of driving them to school tomorrow in the morning and me picking them up after?

I said, calmly, "I have to see and write about a band tonight. We should sort out our schedule earlier than this. Will you please, find out..."

He interrupted me, freaked out and yelled, "I KNOW WHAT TO DO" and other things. Just went off. Suddenly.

Now, I have asked for, begged, yelled about and hardly ever received his work schedule for 14 years. He works retail and it changes all the time. I am reliant on him for childcare. We don't have family to help.

So this isn't new, him not knowing or not telling me what his schedule is.

I was kind. Not mean or accusatory. Just stated the obvious.

In the past I would spend all sorts of time trying to figure out what the heck had just happened. Why did he yell? How am I going to get his schedule from him in a timely manner? What will he do next? Is it my fault? Or more recently--does he have a date? it would have been soooo stressful.

But not today, Zurg. (10 bonus points if you know the movie that line is from)

Today I hung up. Looked at the phone. Realzied i am hungry and went into MY damn kitchen to find some of MY food. I think I'll take the dog for a walk when I'm done.

Detachment is beautiful..
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Old 09-24-2009, 08:44 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 68
Detachment is beautiful and it's a VERY useful step. In fact, it's one that we often have to go back to from time to time. I remember one of the last conversations Robert & I had when it was painfully obvious that he was back to his old boozing ways. He was drunk and there was no point in trying to reason with him. I remember sleeping very well that night & knowing that I had done absolutely ALL I could possibly do in this situation. I also knew that I had no plans to talk to him again. I have not answered any calls since that time except for the time he called me on a Sun. morning (was my birthday--not that he remembered) and I was caught off guard. I told him that I didn't need to be talking to him & that was the last time we spoke. Detachment worked for both of these times. It also worked when I chose to not return his last phone message.

Detachment works along with anger and resignation to the situation. It's a three-part deal with me. I have to accept the fact that he chooses to drink over being sober and having healthy relationships with people. I'm not participating in his sick, screwed up life anymore. It is very freeing and I wish I could have learned that earlier on.

But, in the end, there are only really two choices we have. To stick it out, using detachment with the hope that they will see the light & if it happens, that is wonderful. If they choose to not get help, the detachment helps us to move on with our lives and to fully see that a healthy relationship is not what we're getting if we continue to stay in their dysfunctional world. If helps to blot out the heart-tugging emotions that we used to have for them. We cannot afford to continue to love someone who puts themselves & others through this kind of hell. I know not all alcoholics are abusive but it seems like the biggest majority of them are. I used to think that my situation was unique and I found out after going to Al-Anon that it was not. I felt more normal then. It keeps me sane and keeps me centered. The program does work and I'm proof that it makes a difference because I never dreamed I'd have the strength to walk away & live my life on my own terms. If it helped me, I know that it can help anyone.
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Old 09-25-2009, 06:54 AM
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Illinois
Posts: 147
First for the important stuff: Toy Story 2 (hey, I am a movie freak with a steel trap memory for movie quotes, hehe)

I am just learning to walk with detachment. I spent years trying to do all the wrong things. Now, when the AW calls and goes off I can just let it slide off. What an amazing feeling I have when I am done talking to her. No more sinking feelings in the pit of my stomach, no more worrying.

I am so looking forward to living life for me and my two wonderful kids.
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