Joy of in-laws! What to do in this situation?

Old 09-23-2009, 09:41 AM
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Joy of in-laws! What to do in this situation?

My father in law is what I think you'd call a dry drunk, my MIL is very co-dependent and passive-aggressive. Thanks to al-anon, I'm trying very hard to disengage from them, but I think I have a long, long ways to go.

One thing I don't know how to cope with is his insults to her. He is constantly ridiculing her, putting her down in front of others, thinks he's just a real hoot. It's disgusting. For example, for no apparent reason, he kept telling her she needed to start coloring her hair, all her gray hair makes her look like an old lady. He repeated it several times in front of friends & family. She just sits there when he does this, looking uncomfortable. So does everyone else in the room. Nobody says anything. Sometimes there are uncomfortable chuckles.

I know this is their own problem, but somehow it doesn't feel right ignoring it. I never laugh when he does this, but don't know what else to do.

Secondly, I'm terrified that my husband, being raised like this, will think this is a normal way to treat a woman. I have told him when he hurts my feelings, he gets defensive and says I'm too sensitive.
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Old 09-23-2009, 10:01 AM
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These don't sound like people that you should plan to spend a lot of time with, Marigolds.

True that we should detach from other peoples' stuff, but I'm not beyond cutting off contact for a while and explaining exactly why: That it makes you sick to your stomach to see how horribly he treats his wife.

What would you do if your husband started behaving this way? What are your boundaries? The only thing you truly have to worry about is that. If you think you would stay and accept that treatment, then I'd be worried, sure.

I don't have those fears any more, because since going through Al-Anon, counseling, SR, etc., I have a toolkit to deal with abuse. I know that sort of thing would last about twelve seconds and I'd be gone, gone, gone. "Too sensitive" implies to me that your husband already doesn't care about your feelings...have you two been to counseling?
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Old 09-23-2009, 10:04 AM
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Ugh, that is really sad. Its sad that your mother-in-law won't stand up for herself, and I hope that someday she decides to. Myself, I have a really hard time seeing anyone behave like that (despite what I have allowed my own self to be put through), and I would probably tell your father-in-law how I felt about his rudeness, and that maybe if he wasnt such an arrogant jerk his wife wouldnt have so many gray hairs. That may not be the best way to go about the situation though just my opinion....I think anyone treating someone else like that should be told its not ok, whether or not they are an alcoholic. There is such a thing as manners.
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