Peaches04

I can - he doesn't seem to be able to. I don't know what happened or when things changed, other than it was after we got married. That is when I became something he had to control. Each counselor we've been to has said the same thing - and we all know what that is - acceptance is the key. In each counseling session, he claimed to have had a break through and seen the light, and was going to love me just the way I am, unconditionally, and let go. That lasted for about a week. It's just the wrong situation for me. I'm at the point of recognizing I made a bad decision, and trying to understand if there is a way to make the decision right. It seems very easy to me on the surface level to make it work and we could be very happy, but he is so attached to control or to something - I can't figure it out, but whatever it is, he just can not seem to let it go.

CAPTAINZING2000

I had to read that again. Unless, you hit him with a hammer, you don't inflict pain on him. He has a choice on his feelings!!!

Peaches04

Thanks Avillhead - very true. That is THE question I am struggling with - I'm leaning towards no, I can't accept him now as he is this minute. Actually, this minute is fine, it's the next and next I'm not so sure about I really don't know. My kids really love him and he is great to them, and he's actually a great family man. He just goes through these cycles where he get stuck in a loop, and then acts out, and then is fine. I am balancing the trade off the damage to the kids in getting a divorce again, against how many more times I can handle the cycle. My kids are with their dad about 1/4 of the time, and that is the only time he pulls his bs. So, they really have no idea. I'm afraid since I worked so hard to protect them the first time and that really confused them when I got divorced - this would be equally, if not more confusing, since he treats them as if they were his own (in a good way). Bottom line is that I just don't have the answer to that question yet. I'm hoping counseling and this board and lots of meditation will help me get the answer.

Jadmack25

sounds very sinister. very threatening. and very dangerous. Thanks Anvil.

This scares me a lot. He married you, has turned into Mr Controller and has taken you and your family HOSTAGE to HIS needs, and negated yours.

You have been to 5 counsellors, and they all said the same things, and your H said the same things, did whatever for a week and back to square 1.
He obviously got zilch from any of this, and you are in the same place.
If you went to another 5, 10 or 100 counsellors, I doubt any different result for him.
You are living your own GROUNDHOG DAY!

He is Mr Wonderful "Daddy" when your kids are there, but when they are with their real father, and it is just you and him together, he gets into a different mode.

Maybe it would be hard for you to end this marriage, to get your own life back and, yes it will upset you kids, but how much do YOU have to suffer to keep this all going. Is having a sick and depressed mum what they would want either?

This is not a marriage, it is cruel emotional abuse, and I am afraid that it will get worse.
Nothing will or can, stop him, anymore than you could stop any addict from his addiction. He doesn't want or need to stop his behavior, because he has what he wants and needs to feed HIS control addiction.

It is you who has the pain not him. 5 cigarettes could only cause him pain if you STUBBED them out on his body. (God forgive me for my thoughts right now.)

You really are in a hard and possibly dangerous situation.

God bless

Peaches04

We've been married almost 4 years. I know about cycles, and this is a little bit of an anomaly, but his cycles have actually decreased in time and gotten less severe. While this sounds like a good thing, the problem for me is that when he initially did them, I was still coming out of the honeymoon phase and the behavior was so completely different than who he was when i married him, and I was at such a place of serenity, that I was very quick to forgive and let go. We used to talk about it a lot, and I in some ways could relate to hating something so much (for me, drinking) and wanting someone to quit so badly. THAT is when I mentioned he should really go to Alanon and I would explain how it helps YOU to deal with the 'thing' and that berating or attacking the other person is really the WORST thing you could do. Not to mention, if he were to do that, it might impress upon me that it really did bother him and that it wasn't just something he was trying to control in me. But, he didn't go. And yes - 5 counselors - counselors are absolutely powerless unless you are "teachable" and you are at the bottom would do anything to feel better. Clearly, he is not at the bottom. The issue with me is that while the frequency is much less and much less dramatic, my tolerance for even a small one is close to zero. I find it repulsive and disgusting and don't even want to be around him for longer and longer after each one.
I've mentioned before about how there is always something good in our 'others', or we wouldn't be with them in the first place. One of these good things for mine is the way he is with my children. I understand the appearance of how it would cross your minds that he is somehow using them to control and take over as "daddy" - but, in my heart of hearts, I don't believe that to be true. He really does love them and would do anything for them, regardless of the state he and I are in - he has proven this over and over by his actions. He and my ex husband (their father) get along very well, and there is no competition between them and my new husband only speaks to them very highly of their dad. He's not trying to take that role over, he just authentically loves them, as they do him. He never crosses boundaries related to my children in terms of disciplining them or manipulating them. In all fairness, I will give him that.
BUT - there is still validity in the odd change in behavior when it comes to me, that I can not overlook. It's just the walking on egg shells and not knowing when it is coming. I grew up like that and have not felt that kidn of anxiety again since I was a child - not even to this extent as I did with my exAH. I mean with him - at least I knew what that would look like and what the triggers were, and quite frankly, how to handle it. This is just new territory for me. And like I said - it was just a mere annoyance at first, because it took ALOT to shake up my serenity, but when it goes on for time after time after time - it can't help but take a toll. I realized one day how crazy making it had been, when i was driving and pulled up next to a police man and I was smoking a frickin' cigarette and darn near panicked, like I was breaking the law or something- just crazy!! It makes me laugh when i think back on it; although, feeling like that for smoking a cigarette when i don't even drink - is nothing to laugh about.
I found an article today on abuse and it listed things about an abusive relationship. I rarely do things like this (like I said before, I've almost Over Corrected on my codependency, so much so, that I just try to live and let live), but I sent it to him with the list of behaviors and a check next to the ones that apply. I didn't add any additonal verbiage - just the list and the description in the article. Apparently, that really hit home. He came home very distraught, phsycially sick - because he just didn't realize that was him. He said it's one thing to hear it from me and he can easily dismiss it and blame me, but to see it written in black and white and realize that it described him, just totally hit him hard I guess. I think he really didn't know he was like that. it's like in that move the Sixth Sense, when the guy realizes he's dead. it's like he had that awakening moment where he realize "OMG! this IS me". I didn't go into a discussion with him about it, because I didn't send it to him to discuss, I just sent it because something told me I should.

laurie6781

You do realize, that even if you give up smoking ........................ there will be something else to set him off don't you?

This is all 'controlling abusive behavior' and you do not have to put up with it! As long as you allow this to happen he will continue to beat you down mentally and emotionally until there is no resistance from you.

J M H O but ............................. cut your losses.

Love and hugs,

Jadmack25

Peaches, I think you did the right thing in sending that list to your husband, and I do so hope it hit him hard enough to hit bottom, and realise he has a big control problem where you are concerned. I also hope and pray that now he will LISTEN to your counsellor and work on that problem, not just pay lip service for a while.

God bless

Peaches04

Thanks all! yes, I absolutely realize if it's not about smoking, it would be something else. There is no question about that. I just don't think HE realized that until I sent him that article. I think he got so lost in making smoking mean everything- that he lost sight of everything else he has to be grateful for. As I said - he was very distraught last night and said he is taking that list to his counselor today to talk about. I told him I thought the good news is that being aware is the first step, and it appears as though he is at least becoming aware. He said he never realized it was about fear and how afraid he was of losing me and getting hurt again. He said he realized he has been inserting control over everything and that he has forgotten his faith and needs to put things in God's hands. I have been telling him for a long time when we have been able to have authentic heart to heart talks, that I think he is soul sick and needs to let go and let God. Last night he said the same things in not so many words, so we'll see if he applies that principle. I hope he does, for his own sake, regardless of if I'm around or not.

transformyself

Here's my new rule:

If I go to a friend and say, "it upsets me when you do this and here's why," and that person continues without regard for my feelings, I'm outta there.

They don't have to kiss my butt, but at least listen respectfully and discuss why they think they should be able to do it anyway. We can discuss it. We can decide our boundaries and needs don't mesh.

But if they:
continue the behavior to spite me, use it in a power play, belittle, taunt or redicule me about it, they won't have the privilege of calling me friend.