Kermmie here..been a while
When Pigs Fly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
Kermmie here..been a while
It's been a while since I have felt the need to post, I'm here often and have done more postings in other areas, but I need to talk a little here. Some of you know my story some do not(just read my old posts to catch up if you want)
My Ex Ah says he wants to move back to California by May. I have so many mixed emotions about this, he has been gone since 06 and I'm not sure I want him back here. It would be great for the kids to have their Dad, But I have gotten so used to it being us all the time I don't know if I can share them...
I also think he is moving his "new family" here. Girlfriend, and kids. My daughter is pissed, with reason.
I keep thinking, "now they are taking two childen away from their Dad" I have no Idea what my ex and his girlfriend were thinking when they met up on the internet. Any way, just not sure how to deal with this..............
Thanks,
L~
My Ex Ah says he wants to move back to California by May. I have so many mixed emotions about this, he has been gone since 06 and I'm not sure I want him back here. It would be great for the kids to have their Dad, But I have gotten so used to it being us all the time I don't know if I can share them...
I also think he is moving his "new family" here. Girlfriend, and kids. My daughter is pissed, with reason.
I keep thinking, "now they are taking two childen away from their Dad" I have no Idea what my ex and his girlfriend were thinking when they met up on the internet. Any way, just not sure how to deal with this..............
Thanks,
L~
Only stepping forward
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Alabama, USA
Posts: 330
Welcome back Kermmie!
I'm sorry you're going through this right now; I wish I had some good advice or thoughts for you.
My x drugaholic h sent me an IM the other night, first time in almost 9 years that we spoke. He was the sperm donor for my 8 and 9 year olds....disappeared in my second trimester with the 8 year old who is almost 9. He started with small talk--hi, how are you, how have things been going, yadayadayada. I sat here thinking "hi, go to hell! I'm fine, doing excellent without you, things are going great-take a long walk off a short pier". Then he said he had moved home recently--about 4 hours from where I am now. He said he'd like to come down for the weekend to see his girls.
HA! In your dreams! Oh I got so heated so fast. They don't know who he is. I've probably gotten maybe $600 total in child support over those 9 years. He said he just realized he really needed to step up and help. That they are his kids and he should be there for them.
HA! We are FINE without you.
My feelings are based on how our life and marriage had been. My kids and I have done just fine without him. They don't get everything they want but they always get what they need. And now he wants to step up to the plate and take over? NOT gonna happen.
Anyway. My feelings are my feelings, even if I have a right to feel them. I can tell him no you can't come here and see them. But he can come here all he wants, I can't stop that. But I've worked hard to build a life here, make it the best for MY kids and I'll be darned if he's going to up and destroy it for his own personal gain (or whatever his intentions are).
What is it that upsets you the most? X druggy h can say all he wants to, try to make all the amends he wants to but nothing will change how I have no feelings left for him....I don't hate him, I don't love him or even remotely like him anymore. He is nothing to me or to MY kids. So he can say or do whatever he wants to but in this household he is a complete stranger and one of those people who I have learned is not a good person for me to befriend. Period. I am not angry with him anymore. But I will not let him back into my life. I don't care if he does move here, it won't disrupt my life. I don't care if he is seeing someone else and she'll be moving with him, she's nothing more than another person I will never let into my life.
There's a reason it's called MY LIFE. And it's because it's MINE to control what I think, what I feel, who I let be part of it, how I react to situations. And I'll be darned if I'm going to let someone else have the reigns, even if for a little while.
I'm sorry you're going through this right now; I wish I had some good advice or thoughts for you.
My x drugaholic h sent me an IM the other night, first time in almost 9 years that we spoke. He was the sperm donor for my 8 and 9 year olds....disappeared in my second trimester with the 8 year old who is almost 9. He started with small talk--hi, how are you, how have things been going, yadayadayada. I sat here thinking "hi, go to hell! I'm fine, doing excellent without you, things are going great-take a long walk off a short pier". Then he said he had moved home recently--about 4 hours from where I am now. He said he'd like to come down for the weekend to see his girls.
HA! In your dreams! Oh I got so heated so fast. They don't know who he is. I've probably gotten maybe $600 total in child support over those 9 years. He said he just realized he really needed to step up and help. That they are his kids and he should be there for them.
HA! We are FINE without you.
My feelings are based on how our life and marriage had been. My kids and I have done just fine without him. They don't get everything they want but they always get what they need. And now he wants to step up to the plate and take over? NOT gonna happen.
Anyway. My feelings are my feelings, even if I have a right to feel them. I can tell him no you can't come here and see them. But he can come here all he wants, I can't stop that. But I've worked hard to build a life here, make it the best for MY kids and I'll be darned if he's going to up and destroy it for his own personal gain (or whatever his intentions are).
What is it that upsets you the most? X druggy h can say all he wants to, try to make all the amends he wants to but nothing will change how I have no feelings left for him....I don't hate him, I don't love him or even remotely like him anymore. He is nothing to me or to MY kids. So he can say or do whatever he wants to but in this household he is a complete stranger and one of those people who I have learned is not a good person for me to befriend. Period. I am not angry with him anymore. But I will not let him back into my life. I don't care if he does move here, it won't disrupt my life. I don't care if he is seeing someone else and she'll be moving with him, she's nothing more than another person I will never let into my life.
There's a reason it's called MY LIFE. And it's because it's MINE to control what I think, what I feel, who I let be part of it, how I react to situations. And I'll be darned if I'm going to let someone else have the reigns, even if for a little while.
When Pigs Fly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
My ex has been sober for a little while now and is doing well, I get my child support like clock work, mind you he is still in arrears 225k, but he is doing what he can. He calls the kids every weekend.
I too am fine with out him, we are doing great things as a family.
I just don't want to share my kids,
I don't wan't to meet his girlfriend
I don't want my kids to have step mother
I don't want to see him
I want him to stay away, but that is selfish..
I too am fine with out him, we are doing great things as a family.
I just don't want to share my kids,
I don't wan't to meet his girlfriend
I don't want my kids to have step mother
I don't want to see him
I want him to stay away, but that is selfish..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi Kermie, and hugs 
It doesn't sound like this is anything you can do anything about. As Freedom points out, it may or may not happen at all. And (unfortunately) it is his life, and he can live wherever he likes, and if a court has ordered he can see his kids, well, again, not something you can change, is it?
You have a lot of time to get used to this idea and ALSO to talk with your kids about all of this, really making sure they understand everything. I wish you didn't have to go through it, but you are a strong woman, they are good kids, and you will all survive whatever your X chooses to do just fine.
Hugs,
GL
It doesn't sound like this is anything you can do anything about. As Freedom points out, it may or may not happen at all. And (unfortunately) it is his life, and he can live wherever he likes, and if a court has ordered he can see his kids, well, again, not something you can change, is it?
You have a lot of time to get used to this idea and ALSO to talk with your kids about all of this, really making sure they understand everything. I wish you didn't have to go through it, but you are a strong woman, they are good kids, and you will all survive whatever your X chooses to do just fine.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Kermie I went through a very similar thing--
My exH lived abroad for 6 years after our divorce - and I got to appreciate the near total control of my children's home life.
He came back 2 yrs ago w/ his new wife and their daughter. The kids had seen him every summer, and a few times a year when he would come to Boston. But he was terrible about calling, emailing, writing etc.
I freaked out and panicked when they said they were moving back to Boston.
And then- what could I do? I had to accept it.
And so I embraced it.
Kicked it all off w/ a spaghetti dinner at my house.
I ask for help when I need it and they have been great as I am back in school full time so that has been a benefit of their presence.
I babysit their daughter on occasion.
My kids are old enough that they know the score - they see him whenever they want or if he plans something etc. But they love living here with me and they love our routines etc, so they don;t even keep any official "rooms" in his house.
I am not threatened by their presence in any way anymore. I found that by embracing them I have alleviated any tension or weirdness for my kids and have expanded our "extended family."
My exH still can make me cuckoo - but only if I let him and then I thank myself every time that I am not married to him anymore. But because of the kids we are "related" and I have found civil ways to deal with my feelings about him.
He is not an active alcoholic or drug addict. He is still completely irresponsible and disorganized, none of which, now that they are older, is life-threatening to the boys - so everything just is what it is.
So, I didn't lose any of the specialness of the world I've created with my kids. And I feel good in myself that I have in no way hindered or tried to control their relationship with their father, sister, or stepmom.
I also found making the stepmom my ally to be a good thing. I don;t ever want anybody taking crap out on my kids because they wish they were taking it out on me!!
Good luck -
B
My exH lived abroad for 6 years after our divorce - and I got to appreciate the near total control of my children's home life.
He came back 2 yrs ago w/ his new wife and their daughter. The kids had seen him every summer, and a few times a year when he would come to Boston. But he was terrible about calling, emailing, writing etc.
I freaked out and panicked when they said they were moving back to Boston.
And then- what could I do? I had to accept it.
And so I embraced it.
Kicked it all off w/ a spaghetti dinner at my house.
I ask for help when I need it and they have been great as I am back in school full time so that has been a benefit of their presence.
I babysit their daughter on occasion.
My kids are old enough that they know the score - they see him whenever they want or if he plans something etc. But they love living here with me and they love our routines etc, so they don;t even keep any official "rooms" in his house.
I am not threatened by their presence in any way anymore. I found that by embracing them I have alleviated any tension or weirdness for my kids and have expanded our "extended family."
My exH still can make me cuckoo - but only if I let him and then I thank myself every time that I am not married to him anymore. But because of the kids we are "related" and I have found civil ways to deal with my feelings about him.
He is not an active alcoholic or drug addict. He is still completely irresponsible and disorganized, none of which, now that they are older, is life-threatening to the boys - so everything just is what it is.
So, I didn't lose any of the specialness of the world I've created with my kids. And I feel good in myself that I have in no way hindered or tried to control their relationship with their father, sister, or stepmom.
I also found making the stepmom my ally to be a good thing. I don;t ever want anybody taking crap out on my kids because they wish they were taking it out on me!!
Good luck -
B
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Wales
Posts: 523
Hi Kermit, ive been divorced 5 years, my ex got married 18 months ago, 12 months prior to the marriage he started dating this woman, i got to know her, my kids got to know her and all was well. She has no kids of her own but seemed fine with my children (my elderst daughter is from another relationship and she never got to meet her real father, but always called my ex hubby Dad, and his now wife was fine with her too. I felt safe in the knowlege that if anything happend to me they would be well cared for.
Then they got married and EVERYTHING CHANGED. She stopped talking to me and my elderst daughter, she is horrible with my youngest daughter, who now hates going to stay there and i leave her make the choice of if she goes there or not., it has caused nothing but pain, my ex husband has stopped money for my eldest and has told her she was never his daughter; she is absoulutly gutted and hurt.
I guess what im trying to say is hope and pray that things will be good between your ex and his girlfriend and your children; not every step mother is like my childrens thank god. If your kids arnt happy to be with them they will let you know, always remember YOU are their Mum, and nobody can replace you in their minds. Let them make the decision
And as for my ex well he really needs to put his kids first and grow a pair!!! before he loses them both.
Then they got married and EVERYTHING CHANGED. She stopped talking to me and my elderst daughter, she is horrible with my youngest daughter, who now hates going to stay there and i leave her make the choice of if she goes there or not., it has caused nothing but pain, my ex husband has stopped money for my eldest and has told her she was never his daughter; she is absoulutly gutted and hurt.
I guess what im trying to say is hope and pray that things will be good between your ex and his girlfriend and your children; not every step mother is like my childrens thank god. If your kids arnt happy to be with them they will let you know, always remember YOU are their Mum, and nobody can replace you in their minds. Let them make the decision
And as for my ex well he really needs to put his kids first and grow a pair!!! before he loses them both.
Hi Kermmie! Glad to see yah!!Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Hi Kermit!
It really has been a long time! It's great to see everyone from a long time ago, but then I realize that we are still here for a reason, and that reason never seems to end!
I don't think distance matters. If he wanted to see his kids, how far away wouldn't matter. How old are your kids now? They will probably have some say-so in the matter, and even if they are younger, they know the score.
I also don't think it matters whether the ex is drinking or not. My ex from first marriage, got married, filed for custody of kids 2.5 months after getting married (which is about how long they dated too), and after thousands of dollars, and two years later, the kids don't want anything to do with their dad, or his wife. He hasn't tried to see them or even call them in three and half years. He has never drank any alcohol that I can ever remember.
And the kicker: He lives FIVE minutes away!
I agree how disruptive it would seem to have him there now. My kids are 17 and 15 tho, so I don't think their dad would stand a chance of making things right with them now. Every situation is so different, it's hard to tell what will happen. Maybe get some ground rules in with the ex, beforehand? Or even some counseling for the kids too. It would be a huge adjustment for everyone. Hopefully, I will not have to face that situation. I have a clause in the final custody papers that says my ex has to notify me two weeks in advance if he wants to see kids....at least you got a few months warning! Use that time wisely!
It really has been a long time! It's great to see everyone from a long time ago, but then I realize that we are still here for a reason, and that reason never seems to end!
I don't think distance matters. If he wanted to see his kids, how far away wouldn't matter. How old are your kids now? They will probably have some say-so in the matter, and even if they are younger, they know the score.
I also don't think it matters whether the ex is drinking or not. My ex from first marriage, got married, filed for custody of kids 2.5 months after getting married (which is about how long they dated too), and after thousands of dollars, and two years later, the kids don't want anything to do with their dad, or his wife. He hasn't tried to see them or even call them in three and half years. He has never drank any alcohol that I can ever remember.
And the kicker: He lives FIVE minutes away!
I agree how disruptive it would seem to have him there now. My kids are 17 and 15 tho, so I don't think their dad would stand a chance of making things right with them now. Every situation is so different, it's hard to tell what will happen. Maybe get some ground rules in with the ex, beforehand? Or even some counseling for the kids too. It would be a huge adjustment for everyone. Hopefully, I will not have to face that situation. I have a clause in the final custody papers that says my ex has to notify me two weeks in advance if he wants to see kids....at least you got a few months warning! Use that time wisely!
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Originally Posted by Mair 
Then they got married and EVERYTHING CHANGED.
And as for my ex well he really needs to put his kids first and grow a pair!!! before he loses them both.
And as for my ex well he really needs to put his kids first and grow a pair!!! before he loses them both.
I used to say that too, that he was spineless, and she carrys his in her purse :P
When Pigs Fly
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: california
Posts: 894
I honestly do not think anything "bad" will come out of this. Like Bernadette I to plan on embracing it. I will do what is best for my kids. I have no anger towards my ex anymore. It takes to much effort. It's the change that I don't like.
As I think more about it I will cross the bridge when I get there.
My kids are 19,10 and 7 I have full custody of them, he has no visitation according to the divorce, When he was here he was not sobber so I would meet him at the park with the kids, let them do there thing while I was reading on the bench.
This is how I will start things again, slowly and I will be right there.
I don't care that he has a girlfriend, I don't want him any more, hell I have not been this happy in so long.
If and when he gets back to CA I will do what is best for the kids.
But it still makes me nervous!!!
As I think more about it I will cross the bridge when I get there.
My kids are 19,10 and 7 I have full custody of them, he has no visitation according to the divorce, When he was here he was not sobber so I would meet him at the park with the kids, let them do there thing while I was reading on the bench.
This is how I will start things again, slowly and I will be right there.
I don't care that he has a girlfriend, I don't want him any more, hell I have not been this happy in so long.
If and when he gets back to CA I will do what is best for the kids.
But it still makes me nervous!!!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by kermit
I honestly do not think anything "bad" will come out of this. Like Bernadette I to plan on embracing it. I will do what is best for my kids. I have no anger towards my ex anymore. It takes to much effort.
If and when he gets back to CA I will do what is best for the kids.
If and when he gets back to CA I will do what is best for the kids.
I have a wierd and wonderful relationship with my other ex husband. We have two children together. He remarried and had another child. I remarried and had another child. He had a nightmare divorce from his first wife and we set out to do the opposite when we divorced. We wanted to maintain a relationship of respect for our children. Now (15 years later) it is a blended family. We have planned vacations together, and stayed in each other's homes.
I have a good relationship with my "other wife". We respect each other and look out for "our" children.
This blended family startles most people. We don't miss the drama and I'm glad we don't qualify for an episode of Jerry Springer.
I believe you've got the tools to continue your loving relationship with your children while allowing them the opportunity to explore a new relationship with their dad IF the move comes to fruition. :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I have a good relationship with my "other wife". We respect each other and look out for "our" children.
Me too - we even introduce each other to people as "my step-wife." That usually breaks the ice and lets people know they don't have to watch what they say or be tense around us - cuz - we are all adults and by putting the kids first and being mature we have done the best we can to break down the awkwardness, tension, competitiveness.
Not always easy, but worth it, and easier than strife and argument!
peace-
b
Me too - we even introduce each other to people as "my step-wife." That usually breaks the ice and lets people know they don't have to watch what they say or be tense around us - cuz - we are all adults and by putting the kids first and being mature we have done the best we can to break down the awkwardness, tension, competitiveness.
Not always easy, but worth it, and easier than strife and argument!
peace-
b
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