Do I dare ......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Do I dare ......
Hi gurls ((hug))
I got up this morning wondering if I heard the last of him.
When I don't hear anything from him all is great. I live my life and doing well.
It's when he calls , I am still weak to it. I am not ashamed to admit that. I know that I am the one who has to put a final end to it all.
I know I do not want to have a life with him knowing his life is so destructive. I want to have a life full of love and serenity, like I have now.
When he calls, it all gets crazy again. and I know I do not want that. I still love him and I always will, I just don't want a life with him under those circumstances.
I do not want my son in such a chaos. He is wonderful and precious.
Do I dare believe that it is the last I heard from him after his insane phone conversation with me last week? I sure hope so.
I got up this morning wondering if I heard the last of him.
When I don't hear anything from him all is great. I live my life and doing well.
It's when he calls , I am still weak to it. I am not ashamed to admit that. I know that I am the one who has to put a final end to it all.
I know I do not want to have a life with him knowing his life is so destructive. I want to have a life full of love and serenity, like I have now.
When he calls, it all gets crazy again. and I know I do not want that. I still love him and I always will, I just don't want a life with him under those circumstances.
I do not want my son in such a chaos. He is wonderful and precious.
Do I dare believe that it is the last I heard from him after his insane phone conversation with me last week? I sure hope so.
Member
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Levittown Pennsylvania
Posts: 264
Everytime I wondered if I had received the last insane phone call from my AH, it wasn't. They are obsessive animals, so he will probably call again.
I don't know how to tell you to handle the next call that will give him the message that you've moved on and he should too. My AH just couldn't accept that, and my moving on made him cling more tightly. I know it is hard to politely say "Bug off dude, you are not good enough" to an A.
In my case it was when I became tired of hearing from him at all, moved on in my life, and showed with actions as well as words that he was no longer welcome in my life that things finally changed. I got to the point of politely saying goodbye, hanging up the phone no matter his response, and unplugging the phone.
I had realized I no longer needed to convince him of anything. I just needed to be unreachable and not always available for him.
I don't know how to tell you to handle the next call that will give him the message that you've moved on and he should too. My AH just couldn't accept that, and my moving on made him cling more tightly. I know it is hard to politely say "Bug off dude, you are not good enough" to an A.
In my case it was when I became tired of hearing from him at all, moved on in my life, and showed with actions as well as words that he was no longer welcome in my life that things finally changed. I got to the point of politely saying goodbye, hanging up the phone no matter his response, and unplugging the phone.
I had realized I no longer needed to convince him of anything. I just needed to be unreachable and not always available for him.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: That's what I'd like to know.
Posts: 2,416
Okay PW...
There is absolutely no reason for you to "dare to hope". It is hard enough to fathom other people when they are reasonable and sober. You're trying to figure out a drunk/stoner. Forget it. This is on you. Get caller ID and don't pick up the phone when it's him or change your phone number and don't give it to him. If you pet a skunk you're asking to get sprayed.
Hugs,
Smoke
There is absolutely no reason for you to "dare to hope". It is hard enough to fathom other people when they are reasonable and sober. You're trying to figure out a drunk/stoner. Forget it. This is on you. Get caller ID and don't pick up the phone when it's him or change your phone number and don't give it to him. If you pet a skunk you're asking to get sprayed.
Hugs,
Smoke
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
It will be the last you hear from
him if you don't pick up the phone the next time he calls. And the next time, and the next. He is not the one who decides whether or not he still has a relationship with you. You are.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Posts: 2
I would like to hear your experiences-those of you who have decided to end the relationship. Hearing your stories may give me- and others like us - hope and healing.
You ended it ...finally.
Tell me about the guilt you are feeling for being the one to break up the family.
You ended it ...finally.
Tell me about the guilt you are feeling for being the one to break up the family.
Guest
Posts: n/a
OK, let my grumpy self try this again.
Welcome Towel thrower,
I was a little grumpy on that post and I apologize. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, but please don't blame yourself or feel guilty over it. It is really hard to live with an A. I don't think your choice to leave broke up your family. I think it may have been your A's choices and behaviors that broke up your family.
I'm glad you joined us here and know you will find support here while you heal. Please forgive me for my original blunt post.
Hugs,
MG
Welcome Towel thrower,
I was a little grumpy on that post and I apologize. I'm sorry your relationship didn't work out, but please don't blame yourself or feel guilty over it. It is really hard to live with an A. I don't think your choice to leave broke up your family. I think it may have been your A's choices and behaviors that broke up your family.
I'm glad you joined us here and know you will find support here while you heal. Please forgive me for my original blunt post.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Hey Towel Thrower
I'm agreeing with MG here. If you have to leave a relationship because your partner is a substance abuser, YOU didn't break up the family...they did. You are only taking your family to safer and saner territory should you decide that is what you want to do. But please, don't lay a guilt trip on yourself should you make this choice. If the relationship ends, it's not because of something that you did. Be gentle with yourself.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
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Join Date: Sep 2003
Location: Winston-Salem, North Carolina
Posts: 2
Thanks for the kind and supportive words.
The guilt is very real. The blame from family members is all very real. Being seperated from children is all very real. Putting children on anti-depressants is real. Listening to them cry is very real.
Just knowing deep inside that it really is not really my fault is not enough to numb the reality that my decision rocked everyones world and that hopefully one day in the not too distant future there will be peace and healing for everyone involved.
Please - someone tell me how great life has become for you since breaking free....
The guilt is very real. The blame from family members is all very real. Being seperated from children is all very real. Putting children on anti-depressants is real. Listening to them cry is very real.
Just knowing deep inside that it really is not really my fault is not enough to numb the reality that my decision rocked everyones world and that hopefully one day in the not too distant future there will be peace and healing for everyone involved.
Please - someone tell me how great life has become for you since breaking free....
Guest
Posts: n/a
Hi Towel thrower,
My kids went through a lot of horror in a different situation. It will be ok. I didn't end my relationship, but my husband took his own life when my kids were little. The guilt was horrible and I didn't think I would make it through.
Here I am though and I'm pretty content. Keep talking and put one foot in front of the other and take it a day at a time. Keep doing the next right thing and life will get better.
Keep talking.
Hugs,
MG
My kids went through a lot of horror in a different situation. It will be ok. I didn't end my relationship, but my husband took his own life when my kids were little. The guilt was horrible and I didn't think I would make it through.
Here I am though and I'm pretty content. Keep talking and put one foot in front of the other and take it a day at a time. Keep doing the next right thing and life will get better.
Keep talking.
Hugs,
MG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Prettywoman,
You have not heard the last of him. They are selfish and self-centered and only care about their needs and his need is to hang on to you so he'll call.
Like someone said get caller I.D or change your phone number and e-mail address and just don't respond to him anyway.
It's hard because when they come around like that even though you know they are bad for you it still dredges up alot of feelings but if moving on is really what you want then you'll be able to do it.
Ngaire
You have not heard the last of him. They are selfish and self-centered and only care about their needs and his need is to hang on to you so he'll call.
Like someone said get caller I.D or change your phone number and e-mail address and just don't respond to him anyway.
It's hard because when they come around like that even though you know they are bad for you it still dredges up alot of feelings but if moving on is really what you want then you'll be able to do it.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Ayer's Cliff, Quebec
Posts: 803
Towel Thrower,
I too am suffering from alot guilt about my ex but, I have to keep telling myself it was his actions which contributed to my making the decision to leave.
I finally came to the conclusion that leaving was the lesser of the two evils, I became suicidal twice and would probably have ended up drinking again. That would have been devastating to my 10 year old son.
The ex never wanted to get help and god knows I gave him enough chances, what he wanted was to have someone there taking responsibility for his stupid behaviour. He didn't care about us only himself.
And as far as everyone else blaming you well I know it's hard but hopefully in time you'll see it's their problem not yours. If it's his family blaming you that's because they can't face the fact themselves that he's sick and want to sweep it under the rug. You leaving him has shoved it in their face.
Ngaire
I too am suffering from alot guilt about my ex but, I have to keep telling myself it was his actions which contributed to my making the decision to leave.
I finally came to the conclusion that leaving was the lesser of the two evils, I became suicidal twice and would probably have ended up drinking again. That would have been devastating to my 10 year old son.
The ex never wanted to get help and god knows I gave him enough chances, what he wanted was to have someone there taking responsibility for his stupid behaviour. He didn't care about us only himself.
And as far as everyone else blaming you well I know it's hard but hopefully in time you'll see it's their problem not yours. If it's his family blaming you that's because they can't face the fact themselves that he's sick and want to sweep it under the rug. You leaving him has shoved it in their face.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Okay Towel Thrower
I'll tell you all kinds of ways life is better not living with my ex-A.
When he gets drunk, he is no longer living in my house. My son and I are not exposed to the ugly behavior and verbal abuse that is him when he is drinking. I am no longer criticized on a daily basis for almost everything I do. I am no longer told on a daily basis that everything I do, think and feel is wrong. I no longer have to put up with his irresponsible financial behavior. I no longer have to listen to him whine about how unfair his life is and how everyone is against him. I no longer have to listen to how all his problems are my fault. I no longer have to listen to my son cry because he was yelled at by his irrational, "angry about everything" father.
There is room in my life for me to be me. There is room in my life to do the things that I want to do. That room was never there when I lived with him. Was it hard at first? Sure it was. But my son and I are happier people now that we are not living with his father. Now that my ex-A has achieved a decent level of sobriety and recovery, my son can see his Dad on the weekends. And they have a good time. That didn't happen overnight. It took a good deal of time.
We would still be living together as a family if my ex-A had been a healthy person, or a person willing to get help. He wasn't at the time. He was a sick, angry mess and living with him gave my son and I all heartache and no joy.
I don't feel guilty about this. I don't care what other people (especially family members) think either. This is my life and my son's life, not theirs. The tears and depression of my son did not come from me, they came from his Father's illlness. I don't feel guilty about things that aren't my fault. The reason that we are not living together as a family is not my fault. It's his.
Peace,
Gabe
When he gets drunk, he is no longer living in my house. My son and I are not exposed to the ugly behavior and verbal abuse that is him when he is drinking. I am no longer criticized on a daily basis for almost everything I do. I am no longer told on a daily basis that everything I do, think and feel is wrong. I no longer have to put up with his irresponsible financial behavior. I no longer have to listen to him whine about how unfair his life is and how everyone is against him. I no longer have to listen to how all his problems are my fault. I no longer have to listen to my son cry because he was yelled at by his irrational, "angry about everything" father.
There is room in my life for me to be me. There is room in my life to do the things that I want to do. That room was never there when I lived with him. Was it hard at first? Sure it was. But my son and I are happier people now that we are not living with his father. Now that my ex-A has achieved a decent level of sobriety and recovery, my son can see his Dad on the weekends. And they have a good time. That didn't happen overnight. It took a good deal of time.
We would still be living together as a family if my ex-A had been a healthy person, or a person willing to get help. He wasn't at the time. He was a sick, angry mess and living with him gave my son and I all heartache and no joy.
I don't feel guilty about this. I don't care what other people (especially family members) think either. This is my life and my son's life, not theirs. The tears and depression of my son did not come from me, they came from his Father's illlness. I don't feel guilty about things that aren't my fault. The reason that we are not living together as a family is not my fault. It's his.
Peace,
Gabe
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