Startingover2

I just had to post this as I find it truly amazing how the alcoholic has become so good and deflecting the blame from himself to me or others. The logic and self awareness is completely gone.

Yesterday after I busted him in yet another lie (that he wasn't with his married gf anymore) he started texting me and saying that he wants to work it out but I show no interest. Then he sent the following:

"Bottom line for me is I want to try and make things work but for me I have seen no change in you at all. I care about you and always will but cant stand that you make me out to be this monster hurts my feelings."

Oh, how I wanted to respond to that...but didnt. After I got over laughing so hard I realized he hasn't changed at all and really has made no progress. I guess what he is saying he won't give up drinking and his married girlfriend until he sees change in me. Yeah right!

No personal responsibility was taken. None! I am sure I have things I need to work on to make a relationship better. Who doesn't?

Yeah sweetheart...go back to your married girlfriend who gives you pills, ego strokes, and then you dismiss her back to her husband and kids. Perfect relationship for you.

A girlfriend has a saying "Dodge Sh**tballs!". Man, did I dodge one again! Things have to look up and get better!

Cath1029

My AH is the exact same way. Deny, deny, deny. I think he even believes his own lies sometimes. It was hard to live with that kind of denial and never taking responsibility for the things he said and did. I doubt it will ever change.

Startingover2

Wow! How I now wish that when I saw the huge red flags in the beginning of our relationship that I would have turned on my heels and ran the other way and not look back. Its been 6 years of this up and down he**. I saw the flags...chose to ignore them. I did get my beautiful little girl and for that I am grateful.

Oh, btw....exah is due to get his license back in about a week or so! Scary thought.

Cath1029

I also saw HUGE red flags right from the start, but ignored them because I wanted to be with AH so much. I also got a beautiful daughter out of it, whom I wouldn't trade for anything even though she was unexpected. But everybody else saw the flags as well. I just didn't want to listen. It took me 3 years before I started to.

worthyoflove

Don't you see? It's all your fault that he is cheating and if you would just twist yourself into pleasing him and puffing up his ego, all would be well and he wouldn't have to cheat. Quack, quack, quack...

Chrysalis123

Way to go for not responding.

ItsmeAlice

Holy smokes! You just drove him to it didn't you??? Yeah right!

There is no amount of sarcasm and snark to deal with that line of bull. Oh, maybe someday he'll wake up and smell the s**t he's shoveling. Until then.....NEXT!!....We are moving on!!

Cowgirl1265

My mentally ill/sometimes addict husband does the same thing. When we met, all of his problems were because of his ex. He couldn't have a relationship with his son because of her. He couldn't have a good job because of her. He couldn't have friends because of her.

When he had the first internet affair it was my fault because I wasn't giving him enough sex (never mind that I had a 6 month old baby, had some complications after delivery that made it impossible to "do the deed" until she was 5 months old). When he had the second one it was because I was ignoring his needs (our daughter was 4 by then and our son was 8 months old). When he yelled and screamed at the kids/dogs/me it was because WE were driving him crazy (not because he didn't work at controlling his rage).

So convenient never to have to accept responsibility for your own feelings and actions.

Mitsy

Mentally ill is right. There are several people (some current or former family members) who believe that my former guy (Robert) is bi-polar. I went back & forth with that thought for months & months. I do believe he has some mental instability going on. He used to talk about people saying he was "crazy". My response was "then don't ACT crazy". If you get drunk and act like a fool, others seeing this are going to talk. Some will have pity, some will make fun of him. I always used to be so incredibly embarrassed when I'd hear of him coming into W-Mart (where I moonlighted & knew everyone) when he had been drinking. He has no idea what people really think of him or he would not show his face in there again.

I think a lot of drunks just don't have the conscience or the thought process that a non-alcoholic person would have. They don't have the shame, embarrassment or logic to know that you do what you have to do so you don't continue to make an a$$$ of yourself out in public. They also don't understand the shame/embarrassment that is heaped on those married or dating such a person. Family members suffer far more than the drunk ever knows. It's sad, draining and no way to have to live. For most, the only real choice is to walk away until or IF they ever decide to get sober because nothing we say or do will make them want sobriety until THEY want it.

Blondie

My AH did exactly the same thing. He blamed me for "walking out" on our 18 year marriage and not being supportive of him enough (not supporting his drinking and taking his garbage anymore). Of course this was after he got two DUI's, wreaked a MC and two cars while drunk, nearly died in a drunkin MC crash (I nursed him back to health), cheated with a "friend" multiple times and other bar "friends", came home whenever he felt like it (very drunk), threw drunken tantrums, peed on the floor and blamed the kids, treated me like dirt, quit marriage counseling and his individual counseling (he doesn't have a problem you see) etc, etc, etc. I stood there and took it all for 18 years, and it got worse over the years. I can't believe I took it for so long, I mean, really! What the heck was I thinking!!!???? And I took the blame for most of his behavior.:wtf2 Now I look back and see how sick it all was. I don't know who was sicker, me or him!

I believed he married me because he expected me to make him so happy that he would never need to drink again. And I bought into it! Of course he found out I was human after a while and not a happiness vending machine. Heck, happiness is an inside job and there is no way that anyone would ever fill that Grand Canyon of need and self hate that he has in his heart.

I finally figured out that I could have been Heidi Klum, June Keaver, and Betty Crocker, and Oprah all rolled into one and I still wouldn't be good enough for him and would be blamed for everything. I tried to be perfect for years! I nearly went insane! I finally woke up to the fact that I'm fine just the way I am (I'm not perfect) and like who I am (thank you to my HP and al-anon). I feel so much better now that I'm in recovery (he is still an active alcoholic) and not living that insanity anymore. I realized that he expected ME to change (be more of a doormat then I was if that's possible)!!!

I also realized that he was not going to change and I had to make a choice: Keep living with him and put up with all his junk or get out and get my own life. Now I have my own life and my sanity, and my serenity!!!

dothi

It's sort of like detachment gone too far.

transformyself

GOOD for you for not responding!! Way to get some distance to see the truth and make good choices. It is crazy making stuff though, that's for sure.

ItsmeAlice

So now SO2,

Give us an update on you. We know he's up to his same old c**p with the GF. You've caught him in multiple lies recently that have got you firmly planted against him EVER coming back home to be the perfect little family. Your boundaries, at this point, should have you staying away and not engaging in any open discussion with him beyond possibly visitation or support etc. So at what point are you in your recovery process?

Your resolve is bolstered, all your suspicions validated, and nothing is changing on his side of the street. What has changed for you? He lives close by, is that working or hindering your progress?

These are sincere questions, I'm not being sly or trying to catch you up, I want to focus on you and see where you are in all of this. Are you attending meetings, therapy, journalling, etc? Is there a step you are working on?

Now you may have posted this elsewhere, and I am just missing it. If so, I apologize.

Inquiring minds want to know....What's on the line going forward for SO2?

Alice

Startingover2

Good question and I have been preparing myself for the 'next time' he does this...and we know he will. My friend said to fwd his texts to her when I recieve them and she will help me be accountable to not respond unless its about baby. I am bracing for anger, accusations of me pushing him out of baby's life if I don't respond, and threats.

Trying to be more social as I can with an 18 month old. Last night went to dinner with some good friends and actually left baby with my d18 and my s16. She was fine, but a bit clingy to me when I got home. I found that when I have my own life going I have more of a backbone when it comes to exh. Last night I couldn't care less if he called or text'd as I was fed emotionally by my friends. Being social is pretty new in the past few weeks as its just been baby and I for the past 14 months since exah left.

Trying not to get too caught up in what I really want my life to be like (husband and family) and try and be happy with what is right now.

Peaches04

I have been where you are! It actually made me laugh to remember with what tenacity and passion the alcoholics in my life would say that about me changing! What a great feeling it was when I finally had changed, and what a surprise to them that my "change" wasn't exactly what they had bargained for!!

Mitsy

Al-Anon talks a lot about us not being able to change the alcoholic in our life but they talk more about us in how we deal with them and in our life in general. Robert was always very threatened by me going to Al-Anon. Most drunks are threatened because if they were not a drunk, we likely would not be going. And if they were not addicted, they would not care what kind of meeting we went to, so that speaks volumes for how sick their minds are.

I have changed a lot in the last several months. My pity for Robert is gone. I am still angry, but I'm using that anger to keep me on the right course because I know if I fell back into his manipulative cycle of drinking/denial and all the emotions that go with it, I would be back where I was about a year ago. I don't want to go back there again. Love does not hurt, emotionally or physically. Alcoholics hurt those they say they love. It doesn't matter if they are sorry & it doesn't matter if they say they love us. It only matters that they refuse to get help for their addiction. It begins and ends with their inability to get help. Women deserve better than that. I know there are some men in the same boat with drunk women. I feel badly for them as well as it hurts as much for them. I have known more men who had addiction problems than women.

Watching the A&E Intervention program has also helped me a lot. I believe that some people can be helped but they have to WANT the help. Otherwise, nothing changes...so WE must change in order to make our life a good one - even if it's not what we originally wanted.

Startingover2

You know what is really strange? My exah and I used to watch the Intervention show all the time. I often wondered if he saw himself in the mirror. Most of the time I don't think he thought he was as bad as the people on the show.....but he is.

Mitsy

Robert said he used to watch this show as well. I don't recall us ever watching it together. It was surprising that he said he did watch it because I figured he would not want to see someone actually facing their addiction. At times, I wondered if he deep down knew that he needed that kind of intervention. I spoke with his step-mom and his ex-wife about doing such a thing but his step-mom believed it would backfire if we tried something like that. I think he suspected that I could have been responsible for getting something like that going because he mentioned it a time or two and I told him that I could never do anything like that "on my own". I never confessed that I ever talked to anyone in his family about such a thing. However, if you do an intervention, I think you need a trained professional to be with you and quite frankly, I don't think the people around him had the guts to do it. He could have walked away angry (like his step-mom predicted) or he could have had a turning point at that time. I don't know because I am now out of the situation. You would think that the drunk would eventually realize what he's doing to his life and what he's doing to other people's lives in the process.

The sad reality is that oftentimes, they simply do not want the help and will slide back into the addiction even if they get help. That is the truth I had to face and nothing has changed with him, to my knowledge, so at least I'm not dealing with it on a day-to-day basis anymore. I had quite enough of that. Now, I'm continuing to heal my own heart and emotions so that I can have a healthier future with hopefully someone who does not have an addiction and isn't going to treat me badly as Robert did. He will have to face the consequences of his own actions - at some point. My struggle has partly been the enablers around him who have bit their tongues, said nothing and let him slide by with ignoring his behavior. If he lands in jail, I will not be shedding any tears. Part of the reason I believe so many alcoholics continue to drink is because the consequences have not been great enough for them to see the light.

sailorjohn

It's no surprise to me. My exwife-prescription drug addict and my exgf-alcoholic and crack addict both watched that show.

My take, for an active addict/alcoholic, they have someone they can compare themselves favorably to. Seriously doubt if either of them used the show as a mirror.

Myself, have never watched the show while I wasn't in the company of either individual.

Freedom1990

How about not reading his texts at all? Can he not call when it's in regards to the baby?