He Finally Left
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
He Finally Left
Hi All,
It's been a long time since I've really been on here, and so much has happened. Alot of you may remember my story, a very typical story here LOL. Anyway, AH was on a bad downward spiral for the past four months, drinking almost every single day. In the past month, it's been 24/7, didn't sleep, just drink, pass out, get up and drink some more, pass out some more (and wake me up every hour every nite, even when I had work). Lost his job over a year ago, unemployment ran out, no money to contribute to the house, me being the only source of income, unless he caddied at a golf course, which was like his full time job. In four months, he had caddied only maybe a month total. Didn't pay the bills last month, instead, bought himself new golf clubs cause he "needed" them. Yep, he needed them instead of us needing "electric" or "food", you know the drill.
Anyway, two weeks ago, again, he gets up while I'm having my morning coffee before going to a full time job, and I say "no work again today, huh?" Well, with that ... he starts yelling how he's sick of me nagging him about work and money. I mean, really, how dare I????? When will I ever learn (sarcasm). He's the "great and all powerful Oz", and how dare I question that???? Anyway, he says he's cashing out his IRA and moving to our place upstate. Of course, I go into panic mode, cause I'm the only salary and if there's tax consequences, I'm responsible! I call my friend, who is a lawyer. Thank God, she tells me we can file separately, I won't be responsible!
Anyway, he gets his check and goes. I'm upset cause I can't believe he would do this, like really, what's not to believe? He's an A, that's what A's do! Why would I think anything different? Now, realization time.
Anyway, my lawyer friend in the process of drawing up the papers, hopefully I will get the house, or buy him out for very little. After a week of him being up there, he calls me (appeared sober) to say how much he really wants to get his act together, that he loves me and the family, realizes how much he screwed up, and make our marriage work. I told him I didn't think so, that the papers were being drawn up, and that we've come too far in this whole thing. He asks me to think about it. I said (knew the answer, but needed validation for some strange reason) "I have one question... that money you took out of your IRA, if you were to come home, what will you do w/that?" Answer: NOW GET THIS PEOPLE!!! His answer was: "I'm going to keep it my account". I'm like "keep it in your account?" He said "yeah, it's MY money" so I said "it's your money? I thought when we were married it was our retirement money?" He says "no, your retirement money is yours, mine is mine" so I said "well then I guess you're really not interested in saving our marriage?" and he said "yeah, I am, but if I screw up in a couple of months, and you put my ass out, I won't have any money", I'm like "ok, so you're flat out saying you plan on screwing up, or at least protecting yourself when you do", he says "no, but I'd feel more comfortable knowing that I'm protected in case I do". Well, I said "oh, you'd feel more 'comfortable'? Well what about 'my comfort' when you screw up? If you were interested in making amends, it should be about my 'comfort', not yours". Anyway, needless to say, threats were made to screw me on money and car payments, and everything else!!!! I told him flat out to discuss it w/my lawyer, I was not entertaining any more dialogue with him. Today, I get three voice mails, of course, saying how he was waiting for my phone call with a decision on whether I'd take him back, what did he NOT understand????? Don't want him back!!!!! Last one he got me on the phone (call waiting, no caller ID) and he said "there is too much hurt between us" that I have caused HIM and he accepts that it's over, have the papers drafted and sent to him. So I am. End of conversation. Anyway, two more voice mails on answering machine asking me to call him back, he "knows I'm not asleep", etc., but I will not call back. I'm not playing this game.
I just needed to get this out cause 1) it's alcoholic manipulation at its finest and 2) I know this and typing it helps me to actually realize it, even laugh at it, cause believe it or not, I know it, yet, even though I've come so far in my recovery, it still bothers me when he "flips it". I don't know why, but it does. I know better ... why can't I get it. I know it's not me, it's him. I just wish that I never heard from him again, but then, don't we all????? It would really make life alot easier. I just want this over. Does it ever happen that way, never hear from them again???? Care to share an ESH????
It's been a long time since I've really been on here, and so much has happened. Alot of you may remember my story, a very typical story here LOL. Anyway, AH was on a bad downward spiral for the past four months, drinking almost every single day. In the past month, it's been 24/7, didn't sleep, just drink, pass out, get up and drink some more, pass out some more (and wake me up every hour every nite, even when I had work). Lost his job over a year ago, unemployment ran out, no money to contribute to the house, me being the only source of income, unless he caddied at a golf course, which was like his full time job. In four months, he had caddied only maybe a month total. Didn't pay the bills last month, instead, bought himself new golf clubs cause he "needed" them. Yep, he needed them instead of us needing "electric" or "food", you know the drill.
Anyway, two weeks ago, again, he gets up while I'm having my morning coffee before going to a full time job, and I say "no work again today, huh?" Well, with that ... he starts yelling how he's sick of me nagging him about work and money. I mean, really, how dare I????? When will I ever learn (sarcasm). He's the "great and all powerful Oz", and how dare I question that???? Anyway, he says he's cashing out his IRA and moving to our place upstate. Of course, I go into panic mode, cause I'm the only salary and if there's tax consequences, I'm responsible! I call my friend, who is a lawyer. Thank God, she tells me we can file separately, I won't be responsible!
Anyway, he gets his check and goes. I'm upset cause I can't believe he would do this, like really, what's not to believe? He's an A, that's what A's do! Why would I think anything different? Now, realization time.
Anyway, my lawyer friend in the process of drawing up the papers, hopefully I will get the house, or buy him out for very little. After a week of him being up there, he calls me (appeared sober) to say how much he really wants to get his act together, that he loves me and the family, realizes how much he screwed up, and make our marriage work. I told him I didn't think so, that the papers were being drawn up, and that we've come too far in this whole thing. He asks me to think about it. I said (knew the answer, but needed validation for some strange reason) "I have one question... that money you took out of your IRA, if you were to come home, what will you do w/that?" Answer: NOW GET THIS PEOPLE!!! His answer was: "I'm going to keep it my account". I'm like "keep it in your account?" He said "yeah, it's MY money" so I said "it's your money? I thought when we were married it was our retirement money?" He says "no, your retirement money is yours, mine is mine" so I said "well then I guess you're really not interested in saving our marriage?" and he said "yeah, I am, but if I screw up in a couple of months, and you put my ass out, I won't have any money", I'm like "ok, so you're flat out saying you plan on screwing up, or at least protecting yourself when you do", he says "no, but I'd feel more comfortable knowing that I'm protected in case I do". Well, I said "oh, you'd feel more 'comfortable'? Well what about 'my comfort' when you screw up? If you were interested in making amends, it should be about my 'comfort', not yours". Anyway, needless to say, threats were made to screw me on money and car payments, and everything else!!!! I told him flat out to discuss it w/my lawyer, I was not entertaining any more dialogue with him. Today, I get three voice mails, of course, saying how he was waiting for my phone call with a decision on whether I'd take him back, what did he NOT understand????? Don't want him back!!!!! Last one he got me on the phone (call waiting, no caller ID) and he said "there is too much hurt between us" that I have caused HIM and he accepts that it's over, have the papers drafted and sent to him. So I am. End of conversation. Anyway, two more voice mails on answering machine asking me to call him back, he "knows I'm not asleep", etc., but I will not call back. I'm not playing this game.
I just needed to get this out cause 1) it's alcoholic manipulation at its finest and 2) I know this and typing it helps me to actually realize it, even laugh at it, cause believe it or not, I know it, yet, even though I've come so far in my recovery, it still bothers me when he "flips it". I don't know why, but it does. I know better ... why can't I get it. I know it's not me, it's him. I just wish that I never heard from him again, but then, don't we all????? It would really make life alot easier. I just want this over. Does it ever happen that way, never hear from them again???? Care to share an ESH????
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Bessed4x started a thread asking if divorce was ever easy. There were a few posts on there you mind find inspiration from.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-divorce.html
Up to this point, I think I've had it pretty easy. I had a few calls from him at first. I think I initiated one call out of the bunch. He liked to text me initially because he thought I wouldn't know he was still drinking, but you know even with texts, you can always tell, right? I told him to stop texting me and he hasn't. He called and left me a voice mail, which I opened and heard before I knew it was him. I haven't called him back.
I think the only way to go no contact is to really do it all the way. Block the calls, delete the voice mails, and get that caller ID so you can screen his calls out of your life. When the door is continually closed in their face is when some are able to leave you alone.
You should be so proud of yourself for standing your ground this time!! I know it was hard not to engage and ask him why and all that, but we all seek closure whether we rationally know we won't get it or not. Let that stuff go. Just focus on what you want to do with your life and what you are willing to do to get there whether that's compromising in the divorce or going for all you can and letting him deal with what's left, ya know.
The road can get bumpy as the end is in sight. Hang on and hang in there!!
Alice
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-divorce.html
Up to this point, I think I've had it pretty easy. I had a few calls from him at first. I think I initiated one call out of the bunch. He liked to text me initially because he thought I wouldn't know he was still drinking, but you know even with texts, you can always tell, right? I told him to stop texting me and he hasn't. He called and left me a voice mail, which I opened and heard before I knew it was him. I haven't called him back.
I think the only way to go no contact is to really do it all the way. Block the calls, delete the voice mails, and get that caller ID so you can screen his calls out of your life. When the door is continually closed in their face is when some are able to leave you alone.
You should be so proud of yourself for standing your ground this time!! I know it was hard not to engage and ask him why and all that, but we all seek closure whether we rationally know we won't get it or not. Let that stuff go. Just focus on what you want to do with your life and what you are willing to do to get there whether that's compromising in the divorce or going for all you can and letting him deal with what's left, ya know.
The road can get bumpy as the end is in sight. Hang on and hang in there!!
Alice
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
You've taken a huge step - well done!! 
I know for me that it will take a long time for me to unlearn behaviours instilled in me from being with STBXAH for 18 years. It took me long enough to get to the point where I needed to change. So it will take me a while to stop reacting to him in the way I do (I'm hoping not another 18 years though!). I'm much more aware of my gut reaction to his moods and can usually keep a tight grip on it till its safe for me to let all the emotion out. I'm going no contact at the end of this week. I'm moving house, changing phone numbers etc. The OW will also help keep him from my door!
I think you have to give yourself some time - don't be so hard on yourself, you've been trained to react the way you do, you're much more self aware of it and it will fade given time. Be aware that he may well find himself another enabler before long - mine found one before the split!
Hang in there, you're doing great!
I know for me that it will take a long time for me to unlearn behaviours instilled in me from being with STBXAH for 18 years. It took me long enough to get to the point where I needed to change. So it will take me a while to stop reacting to him in the way I do (I'm hoping not another 18 years though!). I'm much more aware of my gut reaction to his moods and can usually keep a tight grip on it till its safe for me to let all the emotion out. I'm going no contact at the end of this week. I'm moving house, changing phone numbers etc. The OW will also help keep him from my door!
I think you have to give yourself some time - don't be so hard on yourself, you've been trained to react the way you do, you're much more self aware of it and it will fade given time. Be aware that he may well find himself another enabler before long - mine found one before the split!
Hang in there, you're doing great!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 1,322
Congratulations Queenteree,
It appears to me that his moving out/cashing in the IRA was your HP's way of giving you the catalyst you needed to start moving forward with your plans to separate yourself from the A in your life. I know it is not an easy decision, and that we can have days here and there where we feel a little waffling going back and forth. On those days I encourage you to look yourself in the mirror and say "No, Q, you are NEVER going to live like that again."
That 401K? I'd let your lawyers deal with that one. I'd think that he'd have to give you part of that after that many years, IF you decide to ask for it. I did not wind up going after that in my divorce. My ex-AH has since cashed his in and is currently living off it and drinking himself to death, I believe, contributing very little to my college-daughter. It's a tragedy how incredibly dense these older AH's get as they progress in their addictions. I can truly see my once 6 figure exAH as homeless some day. Just tragic.
Your life is YOURS, Queenteree. Don't take the calls. You can always talk with him later when you are stronger and feeling steadfast. Especially don't take the calls on the days when you are feeling teary and sentimental.
Just wait until the next morning and trust me, you will not be nearly as wavering as on teary nights.
Good luck and keep putting one foot in front of the other during these next few weeks and months. I believe you will find life KNOWING that no AH is going to be walking into the door to be so relaxing and enjoyable that you will thank your HP for the serenity. Peace and hugs, Queenteree. You sound strong and good.
It appears to me that his moving out/cashing in the IRA was your HP's way of giving you the catalyst you needed to start moving forward with your plans to separate yourself from the A in your life. I know it is not an easy decision, and that we can have days here and there where we feel a little waffling going back and forth. On those days I encourage you to look yourself in the mirror and say "No, Q, you are NEVER going to live like that again."
That 401K? I'd let your lawyers deal with that one. I'd think that he'd have to give you part of that after that many years, IF you decide to ask for it. I did not wind up going after that in my divorce. My ex-AH has since cashed his in and is currently living off it and drinking himself to death, I believe, contributing very little to my college-daughter. It's a tragedy how incredibly dense these older AH's get as they progress in their addictions. I can truly see my once 6 figure exAH as homeless some day. Just tragic.
Your life is YOURS, Queenteree. Don't take the calls. You can always talk with him later when you are stronger and feeling steadfast. Especially don't take the calls on the days when you are feeling teary and sentimental.
Just wait until the next morning and trust me, you will not be nearly as wavering as on teary nights.Good luck and keep putting one foot in front of the other during these next few weeks and months. I believe you will find life KNOWING that no AH is going to be walking into the door to be so relaxing and enjoyable that you will thank your HP for the serenity. Peace and hugs, Queenteree. You sound strong and good.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for sharing an update and victory in your personal life. Your post reveals strength and humor!
I'm glad you put the conversation about the 401K in writing. You may need to re-read it in the future. It appears he was trying to establish you as his back-up plan, not his life partner. You've heard the following before, no?:
Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option.
I agree with the wisdom and experience already shared by the previous posters. Going no contact will give you peace. It will get his words out of your head so that you may fill your head with your thoughts, hopes and dreams.
I wish you peacefulness on your journey.
I'm glad you put the conversation about the 401K in writing. You may need to re-read it in the future. It appears he was trying to establish you as his back-up plan, not his life partner. You've heard the following before, no?:
Don't make someone a priority in your life when you are just an option.
I agree with the wisdom and experience already shared by the previous posters. Going no contact will give you peace. It will get his words out of your head so that you may fill your head with your thoughts, hopes and dreams.
I wish you peacefulness on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Queenteree, congrats on your strength and determination during that call from AH.
Yes dear, it is beyond me a times when I read some of the off the planet things some people say and do.
My now dead XAH, put his superannuation check in a new bank account of his own.
I walked out with all I needed to furnish a flat, my car, and what was left of a compensation payment (after he drank his way thru a fair bit of it).
A year later he was living on the age pension and the money was gone. My daughter was dumbfounded when she asked where it had gone so fast, and he told her he had eaten out at top clubs and restaurants, drank the best wines and spirits and had a ball, knowing "your bitch of a mother can't get her hands on it now".
I must admit I roared laughing at that, as I never had any intention of going for any part of it, tho I was entitled to quite a sum after 27 years of marriage. I was happy to be free of the hassles, and wasn't going back into the lion's den again, for money or anything else.
It is amazing how the situation is so different from their perspective, and how they see themselves as the victims and the other side as persecutors. All the care, love and support from us are forgotten, as is the alcoholic behavior and pain dished out by them.
No wonder it takes so long for the truth to sink in for us, and even longer to get past the hurt, and damage caused to us and our families.
No contact is damned hard, but staying involved in the mad quacking is harder and takes us longer to get healing.
God bless
Yes dear, it is beyond me a times when I read some of the off the planet things some people say and do.
My now dead XAH, put his superannuation check in a new bank account of his own.
I walked out with all I needed to furnish a flat, my car, and what was left of a compensation payment (after he drank his way thru a fair bit of it).
A year later he was living on the age pension and the money was gone. My daughter was dumbfounded when she asked where it had gone so fast, and he told her he had eaten out at top clubs and restaurants, drank the best wines and spirits and had a ball, knowing "your bitch of a mother can't get her hands on it now".
I must admit I roared laughing at that, as I never had any intention of going for any part of it, tho I was entitled to quite a sum after 27 years of marriage. I was happy to be free of the hassles, and wasn't going back into the lion's den again, for money or anything else.
It is amazing how the situation is so different from their perspective, and how they see themselves as the victims and the other side as persecutors. All the care, love and support from us are forgotten, as is the alcoholic behavior and pain dished out by them.
No wonder it takes so long for the truth to sink in for us, and even longer to get past the hurt, and damage caused to us and our families.
No contact is damned hard, but staying involved in the mad quacking is harder and takes us longer to get healing.
God bless
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
Hi QT...
'Tis the season apparently, with all of us showing up here again! Hope everything works out for you.
My ex's retirement was subtracted from the price of his half of the house, which made it less for me to buy the house from him. Just an idea, ask your lawyers.
HQ
'Tis the season apparently, with all of us showing up here again! Hope everything works out for you.
My ex's retirement was subtracted from the price of his half of the house, which made it less for me to buy the house from him. Just an idea, ask your lawyers.
HQ
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Total No contact is the only way for most of us. Sounds like you are on the right track.
They sure know how to flip it, don't they?! Geez.
Your strength will carry you out of this and there are bright days ahead!
They sure know how to flip it, don't they?! Geez.
Your strength will carry you out of this and there are bright days ahead!
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