so uneasy with myself.
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so uneasy with myself.
i don't know what's been going on with me lately, but i've been feeling overwhelmingly anxious and just overall feeling very uneasy with myself. i'm not happy with myself, i have all these lingering insecurities about the person i am and the way i interact with people, and i don't know if they're real or imagined, or if i'm just being too hard on myself.
xabf and i have been talking every now and then, and i'm sure it's not helping the way i feel. it's fine talking to him, i miss him so much and all our good times, but it doesn't seem as if he's changing his mind about anything. he says he forgives me for the things that i did, but he thinks we "tried" and he was treated poorly and he doesn't want to be in a relationship where he's treated bad. i admit i messed up, but am i being unrealistic in thinking that sometimes people screw up in relationships, and maybe they unintentionally hurt the person they love, but relationships require forgiveness and trying to get over things?
he then brought up growing up in his family (his dad was an abusive alcoholic) and how, because of that experience, i should know that he wouldn't really react well to the types of things that happened in our relationship, and how he thinks i'm just expecting him to pick up the pieces of all the things i do to him in the relationship and that i don't really care. this doesn't really make any sense to me.
i don't know, i'm just confused and feeling low.
xabf and i have been talking every now and then, and i'm sure it's not helping the way i feel. it's fine talking to him, i miss him so much and all our good times, but it doesn't seem as if he's changing his mind about anything. he says he forgives me for the things that i did, but he thinks we "tried" and he was treated poorly and he doesn't want to be in a relationship where he's treated bad. i admit i messed up, but am i being unrealistic in thinking that sometimes people screw up in relationships, and maybe they unintentionally hurt the person they love, but relationships require forgiveness and trying to get over things?
he then brought up growing up in his family (his dad was an abusive alcoholic) and how, because of that experience, i should know that he wouldn't really react well to the types of things that happened in our relationship, and how he thinks i'm just expecting him to pick up the pieces of all the things i do to him in the relationship and that i don't really care. this doesn't really make any sense to me.
i don't know, i'm just confused and feeling low.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
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I unfortunately don't have much to say on the ex front, but the uneasy with myself title definitely registered with me.
Over the summer, I was reading up on different mind exercises to be done during yoga. One of them was to walk down a long hallway, open a door, and realize that you are perfect. The first ten or so times I tried this exercise, I ended up bawling. It just seemed so distant. Realizing that this probably meant something, I forced myself to deal with this uncomfortable idea of being perfect many times a day - I would look in the mirror and say "I am perfect."
I didn't and don't mean this in a narcissistic way, but in a way that means "I am the best version of myself that I can be." Maybe this would help you a bit? I still struggle with self esteem here and there, but I've found my old reaction ( crying and thinking of my many flaws) has been replaced by a much better reaction (a feeling of peacefulness and confidence).
I think the saying goes, fake it til you make it!
Over the summer, I was reading up on different mind exercises to be done during yoga. One of them was to walk down a long hallway, open a door, and realize that you are perfect. The first ten or so times I tried this exercise, I ended up bawling. It just seemed so distant. Realizing that this probably meant something, I forced myself to deal with this uncomfortable idea of being perfect many times a day - I would look in the mirror and say "I am perfect."
I didn't and don't mean this in a narcissistic way, but in a way that means "I am the best version of myself that I can be." Maybe this would help you a bit? I still struggle with self esteem here and there, but I've found my old reaction ( crying and thinking of my many flaws) has been replaced by a much better reaction (a feeling of peacefulness and confidence).
I think the saying goes, fake it til you make it!
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Indiana
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I dont really know your background story, or what went on between you and your boyfriend, but I strongly relate to the things your boyfriend says to you so I thought I would put in my two cents. I say alot of the things your boyfriend says to you to my boyfriend..... "just expecting me to pick up the pieces", "i feel like you dont care", and "i dont want to be in a relationship where I am treated badly" are all things I relate to. Currently me and my boyfriend are not together, and I say all these things to him because I still love him and wish we could be together, but I havent seen any significant change in his behavior and I dont really feel that he understands how deeply his hurtful actions have affected me....I guess I feel like he isnt putting forth enough or any effort to change and repair things. So maybe this is what your boyfriend is feeling when he says these things to you. But on the other hand, I dont know your story, and I was kind of confused when you said he is an alcoholic and didnt mention yourself having any alcohol problem, and then said that you have been apologizing for the things youve done.....if he is an alcoholic then I would guess he had a pretty significant part in your troubles and it seems like all the blame is being placed on you. Also, if he had really forgiven youhe wouldnt constantly be bringing up the past. Maybe you should just work on getting rid of your anxiety and unhappiness on your own, and not worry so much about him for a while. Im new to this, so I hope my advice isnt completely horrible. Good luck
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When I was ending a long relationship with an A, I had to do a lot of introspection to learn about myself. Our relationship was really toxic and unhealthy, but it had gone that way slowly and insidiously, rather than all at once. After I was away from it for awhile, I remember being really confused. I didnt' know what I liked, what I didn't like - food, movies, clothes, shoes. He had told me so many things about myself that I believed. I had to really look at each one and figure out if it was true or not, and if it was something I could change if I wanted to. He told me a lot about himself and his motives and all that too. I had to decide if I believed it or not, and more important, if it mattered or not. Ultimately I realized that most of it was just him quacking at me anyways.
It took me a lot of time to work through all of it, with the help of a counselor and some good Al Anon friends. I also found it helpful to work the steps myself. I learned a lot about myself.
It took me a lot of time to work through all of it, with the help of a counselor and some good Al Anon friends. I also found it helpful to work the steps myself. I learned a lot about myself.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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he says he forgives you...did he ask forgiveness from you?
he said you treated him badly.... did he say he treated you badly too?
"we tried"... is this true? or is it that YOU tried, and he was happy with an enabler but when the enabler complained he kicked her out of his life, ignored his drinks had anything to do with the issues he had with you and went for tequilas.
go no contact. it does not have to be FOREVER. Just for Today...
:ghug3 this too shall pass
PS oh and about the not knowing you well etc, first its a drag but then you will start enjoying knowing yourself !!!!! it WILL get better!!! i promise
he said you treated him badly.... did he say he treated you badly too?
"we tried"... is this true? or is it that YOU tried, and he was happy with an enabler but when the enabler complained he kicked her out of his life, ignored his drinks had anything to do with the issues he had with you and went for tequilas.
go no contact. it does not have to be FOREVER. Just for Today...
:ghug3 this too shall pass
PS oh and about the not knowing you well etc, first its a drag but then you will start enjoying knowing yourself !!!!! it WILL get better!!! i promise
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 09-20-2009 at 08:34 PM.
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Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
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Queenie,
You still seem not to get what addiction is and who addicts are.
The fact that you are writing about an "EXABF"--an ADDICT--and then are continuing to be puzzled because nothing has really changed with him, are continuing to be hurt because you think it was your behavior that ruined the "relationship", and are continuing to wonder what you can do to repair that "relationship".....
Queenie, it's still not sinking in with you: the guy is an addict, and so it follows that he will HURT YOU, DISPARAGE YOU, DISCARD YOU and then BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING AND MAKE YOU BELIEVE HE'S RIGHT.
You really need to stop spinning circles in your mind about this fellow and start reading everything about addiction you can get your hands on. When you finally get the addict mind, in your gut, then the con job he pulls will be crystal clear to you. And you'll be able to finally be free. Until then, you will make yourself ill.
The answers are there for you, Queenie, and they can help ease much of your hurt.
Bluejay
You still seem not to get what addiction is and who addicts are.
The fact that you are writing about an "EXABF"--an ADDICT--and then are continuing to be puzzled because nothing has really changed with him, are continuing to be hurt because you think it was your behavior that ruined the "relationship", and are continuing to wonder what you can do to repair that "relationship".....
Queenie, it's still not sinking in with you: the guy is an addict, and so it follows that he will HURT YOU, DISPARAGE YOU, DISCARD YOU and then BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING AND MAKE YOU BELIEVE HE'S RIGHT.
You really need to stop spinning circles in your mind about this fellow and start reading everything about addiction you can get your hands on. When you finally get the addict mind, in your gut, then the con job he pulls will be crystal clear to you. And you'll be able to finally be free. Until then, you will make yourself ill.
The answers are there for you, Queenie, and they can help ease much of your hurt.
Bluejay
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
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Addicts can have our heads going in circles.
They are like a boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
They will tell you they have NOT taken any cookies.......
Then tell you they do NOT have their hand in the cookie jar.......
Then that there is NO cookie jar........
Finally they will accuse YOU...of stealing the cookies yourself.
By the time you get to there......YOU WILL BELIEVE THEM.....
The only way out of this madness is, to grab the cookie jar and run like hell is after you,
because IT IS.
God bless
They are like a boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
They will tell you they have NOT taken any cookies.......
Then tell you they do NOT have their hand in the cookie jar.......
Then that there is NO cookie jar........
Finally they will accuse YOU...of stealing the cookies yourself.
By the time you get to there......YOU WILL BELIEVE THEM.....
The only way out of this madness is, to grab the cookie jar and run like hell is after you,
because IT IS.
God bless
Last edited by Jadmack25; 09-21-2009 at 05:06 AM. Reason: missing word
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Right, Jadmack.
Some call it "Gaslighting".....after the movie in which the husband nearly drives the wife insane by convincing her that what she sees and hears isn't really there.
Some call it "Gaslighting".....after the movie in which the husband nearly drives the wife insane by convincing her that what she sees and hears isn't really there.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I tried to "handle" the breakup with xabf just like any other, expecting some kind of closure and mutual acknowledgment of good/bad times... responsibility.. hey I've been through breakups and been sad for months and even years... and later got some closure with said guys... who are good hearted people just making mistakes... growing up and realizing stuff after time passes.
An addict is a totally different league. Those ex's look like angels now LOL :rotfxko
This is not like other guys queenie....
Its just who supports alcoholism and who doesn't... simple decision for them... they use people and they don't care AT ALL about who they harm along the way...
My bf has a classmate.. he is an early alcoholic (bf does not say it but boy do I recognize the signs..) he has crashed 4 times... the 3rd time he ended up with his car upside down... do you think that meant anything? the 4th time happened two weeks ago, he got a serious problem with his hip and was unconscious for 3 days.
One would think he got scared or learned something. Nope.
Guess who went out drinking and driving last weekend?
Its just the same for relationships... they get worse and worse consequences for their actions and in their madness they consider this a badge of honor... or think it was "random" or the other "driver" was at fault or it was "a coincidence"
Internally they hate themselves so much that unconsciously they seek death.. a slow or a fast death... but death. You may not grasp this now but you are lucky to be out of it!
God/HP saved you queenie.... but you won't be able to see this if you still enmesh with him and listen to his lies and twists of reality.. because that is what HE needs to believe in order to keep the status quo and feel good about himself... now what YOU need is time and space away from hell... give yourself that chance...
:ghug2
An addict is a totally different league. Those ex's look like angels now LOL :rotfxko
This is not like other guys queenie....
Its just who supports alcoholism and who doesn't... simple decision for them... they use people and they don't care AT ALL about who they harm along the way...
My bf has a classmate.. he is an early alcoholic (bf does not say it but boy do I recognize the signs..) he has crashed 4 times... the 3rd time he ended up with his car upside down... do you think that meant anything? the 4th time happened two weeks ago, he got a serious problem with his hip and was unconscious for 3 days.
One would think he got scared or learned something. Nope.
Guess who went out drinking and driving last weekend?
Its just the same for relationships... they get worse and worse consequences for their actions and in their madness they consider this a badge of honor... or think it was "random" or the other "driver" was at fault or it was "a coincidence"
Internally they hate themselves so much that unconsciously they seek death.. a slow or a fast death... but death. You may not grasp this now but you are lucky to be out of it!
God/HP saved you queenie.... but you won't be able to see this if you still enmesh with him and listen to his lies and twists of reality.. because that is what HE needs to believe in order to keep the status quo and feel good about himself... now what YOU need is time and space away from hell... give yourself that chance...
:ghug2
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Join Date: Jul 2009
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Originally Posted by hr4644 
I unfortunately don't have much to say on the ex front, but the uneasy with myself title definitely registered with me.
Over the summer, I was reading up on different mind exercises to be done during yoga. One of them was to walk down a long hallway, open a door, and realize that you are perfect. The first ten or so times I tried this exercise, I ended up bawling. It just seemed so distant. Realizing that this probably meant something, I forced myself to deal with this uncomfortable idea of being perfect many times a day - I would look in the mirror and say "I am perfect."
I didn't and don't mean this in a narcissistic way, but in a way that means "I am the best version of myself that I can be." Maybe this would help you a bit? I still struggle with self esteem here and there, but I've found my old reaction ( crying and thinking of my many flaws) has been replaced by a much better reaction (a feeling of peacefulness and confidence).
I think the saying goes, fake it til you make it!
Over the summer, I was reading up on different mind exercises to be done during yoga. One of them was to walk down a long hallway, open a door, and realize that you are perfect. The first ten or so times I tried this exercise, I ended up bawling. It just seemed so distant. Realizing that this probably meant something, I forced myself to deal with this uncomfortable idea of being perfect many times a day - I would look in the mirror and say "I am perfect."
I didn't and don't mean this in a narcissistic way, but in a way that means "I am the best version of myself that I can be." Maybe this would help you a bit? I still struggle with self esteem here and there, but I've found my old reaction ( crying and thinking of my many flaws) has been replaced by a much better reaction (a feeling of peacefulness and confidence).
I think the saying goes, fake it til you make it!
i too struggle with self esteem. i am my own harshest critic and worst enemy. i don't know why i do it to myself, but i need to let up and start working on acceptance and forgiveness.
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Originally Posted by bebemay
I dont really know your background story, or what went on between you and your boyfriend, but I strongly relate to the things your boyfriend says to you so I thought I would put in my two cents. I say alot of the things your boyfriend says to you to my boyfriend..... "just expecting me to pick up the pieces", "i feel like you dont care", and "i dont want to be in a relationship where I am treated badly" are all things I relate to. Currently me and my boyfriend are not together, and I say all these things to him because I still love him and wish we could be together, but I havent seen any significant change in his behavior and I dont really feel that he understands how deeply his hurtful actions have affected me....I guess I feel like he isnt putting forth enough or any effort to change and repair things. So maybe this is what your boyfriend is feeling when he says these things to you. But on the other hand, I dont know your story, and I was kind of confused when you said he is an alcoholic and didnt mention yourself having any alcohol problem, and then said that you have been apologizing for the things youve done.....if he is an alcoholic then I would guess he had a pretty significant part in your troubles and it seems like all the blame is being placed on you. Also, if he had really forgiven youhe wouldnt constantly be bringing up the past. Maybe you should just work on getting rid of your anxiety and unhappiness on your own, and not worry so much about him for a while. Im new to this, so I hope my advice isnt completely horrible. Good luck
and i had some unhealthy behavior myself. that's what i meant by i've apologized for the things i did...i snooped through his email and lied about it then told him the truth a few days later, and one night i had a blow-up and threw a remote at the wall that accidentally broke his tv. i still can't believe i did those things.
you're right, though, all of the blame is being put on me, and i'm trying so desperately to make him see that it's not 100% my fault but, surprisingly, i feel like i'm getting nowhere.
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Originally Posted by Freedom1990
So explain to me just what it is you are getting out of still having contact with him, other than feeding your insecurities and leaving you unsettled?
i appreciate the tuff luv though. sometimes you just need to hear it like it is.
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Originally Posted by bluejay6
Queenie,
You still seem not to get what addiction is and who addicts are.
The fact that you are writing about an "EXABF"--an ADDICT--and then are continuing to be puzzled because nothing has really changed with him, are continuing to be hurt because you think it was your behavior that ruined the "relationship", and are continuing to wonder what you can do to repair that "relationship".....
Queenie, it's still not sinking in with you: the guy is an addict, and so it follows that he will HURT YOU, DISPARAGE YOU, DISCARD YOU and then BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING AND MAKE YOU BELIEVE HE'S RIGHT.
You really need to stop spinning circles in your mind about this fellow and start reading everything about addiction you can get your hands on. When you finally get the addict mind, in your gut, then the con job he pulls will be crystal clear to you. And you'll be able to finally be free. Until then, you will make yourself ill.
The answers are there for you, Queenie, and they can help ease much of your hurt.
Bluejay
You still seem not to get what addiction is and who addicts are.
The fact that you are writing about an "EXABF"--an ADDICT--and then are continuing to be puzzled because nothing has really changed with him, are continuing to be hurt because you think it was your behavior that ruined the "relationship", and are continuing to wonder what you can do to repair that "relationship".....
Queenie, it's still not sinking in with you: the guy is an addict, and so it follows that he will HURT YOU, DISPARAGE YOU, DISCARD YOU and then BLAME YOU FOR EVERYTHING AND MAKE YOU BELIEVE HE'S RIGHT.
You really need to stop spinning circles in your mind about this fellow and start reading everything about addiction you can get your hands on. When you finally get the addict mind, in your gut, then the con job he pulls will be crystal clear to you. And you'll be able to finally be free. Until then, you will make yourself ill.
The answers are there for you, Queenie, and they can help ease much of your hurt.
Bluejay
on a more personal note, how do i forgive myself for (what i still perceive to be) those unhealthy behaviors that i think contributed to the demise of our relationship?
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Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
I tried to "handle" the breakup with xabf just like any other, expecting some kind of closure and mutual acknowledgment of good/bad times... responsibility.. hey I've been through breakups and been sad for months and even years... and later got some closure with said guys... who are good hearted people just making mistakes... growing up and realizing stuff after time passes.
An addict is a totally different league. Those ex's look like angels now LOL :rotfxko
This is not like other guys queenie....
Its just who supports alcoholism and who doesn't... simple decision for them... they use people and they don't care AT ALL about who they harm along the way...
My bf has a classmate.. he is an early alcoholic (bf does not say it but boy do I recognize the signs..) he has crashed 4 times... the 3rd time he ended up with his car upside down... do you think that meant anything? the 4th time happened two weeks ago, he got a serious problem with his hip and was unconscious for 3 days.
One would think he got scared or learned something. Nope.
Guess who went out drinking and driving last weekend?
Its just the same for relationships... they get worse and worse consequences for their actions and in their madness they consider this a badge of honor... or think it was "random" or the other "driver" was at fault or it was "a coincidence"
Internally they hate themselves so much that unconsciously they seek death.. a slow or a fast death... but death. You may not grasp this now but you are lucky to be out of it!
God/HP saved you queenie.... but you won't be able to see this if you still enmesh with him and listen to his lies and twists of reality.. because that is what HE needs to believe in order to keep the status quo and feel good about himself... now what YOU need is time and space away from hell... give yourself that chance...
:ghug2
An addict is a totally different league. Those ex's look like angels now LOL :rotfxko
This is not like other guys queenie....
Its just who supports alcoholism and who doesn't... simple decision for them... they use people and they don't care AT ALL about who they harm along the way...
My bf has a classmate.. he is an early alcoholic (bf does not say it but boy do I recognize the signs..) he has crashed 4 times... the 3rd time he ended up with his car upside down... do you think that meant anything? the 4th time happened two weeks ago, he got a serious problem with his hip and was unconscious for 3 days.
One would think he got scared or learned something. Nope.
Guess who went out drinking and driving last weekend?
Its just the same for relationships... they get worse and worse consequences for their actions and in their madness they consider this a badge of honor... or think it was "random" or the other "driver" was at fault or it was "a coincidence"
Internally they hate themselves so much that unconsciously they seek death.. a slow or a fast death... but death. You may not grasp this now but you are lucky to be out of it!
God/HP saved you queenie.... but you won't be able to see this if you still enmesh with him and listen to his lies and twists of reality.. because that is what HE needs to believe in order to keep the status quo and feel good about himself... now what YOU need is time and space away from hell... give yourself that chance...
:ghug2
i like your drunk driving/relationship analogy...it's always the "other driver" isn't it???
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ARRRGGGHHH but when he tells me these things, he's so calm and rational!! he's always so serious about it, he's not telling me in a "blaming" way and i wonder...how can he be so rational about this? can he actually believe it?
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Yes Queenie, that is what sucks big time, THEY REALLY DO BELIEVE they are seeing it all as it is, even when blind Freddy can see that they are seeing what aint there.
Drives us nuts, especially when we get called delussional or even liars. GRRRRRR
God bless
Drives us nuts, especially when we get called delussional or even liars. GRRRRRR
God bless
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That is why it helps to see the active ones like madmen, queenie.... they live in a fantasy world... carefully created to serve the addiction. Or like aliens that got lost in this planet...
Sometimes so many hurtful things accumulate that it is somehow "easier" to dismiss it all you know?? Instead of wondering why (you'll never understand, he does not understand himself either) try to take that Holier Than Thou attitude as further proof you are better off without him...
After obsessing for months trying to make any sense of an addict's words/acts.. it was finally easier to just discard all of it in a great "madness" package.
I know you will reach that conclusion too but first you need lots of time and space. To see Reality once again...
You can do it queenie... go no contact... don't think about tomorrow... "Just for Today.. I will take care of myself and listen to those people that speak the truth with compassion...."
Sometimes so many hurtful things accumulate that it is somehow "easier" to dismiss it all you know?? Instead of wondering why (you'll never understand, he does not understand himself either) try to take that Holier Than Thou attitude as further proof you are better off without him...
After obsessing for months trying to make any sense of an addict's words/acts.. it was finally easier to just discard all of it in a great "madness" package.
I know you will reach that conclusion too but first you need lots of time and space. To see Reality once again...
You can do it queenie... go no contact... don't think about tomorrow... "Just for Today.. I will take care of myself and listen to those people that speak the truth with compassion...."
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I almost know these articles by memory, worth re-reading them:
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
It helps to see clinical explanations and knowing that is the nature of addiction, that nothing special has happened, it is known/expected behavior and WE are not crazy.
SR and articles help validate our side of the experience when we do not get much validation in our real life, what with all the enablers, "party" scene, etc.
Ultimately we reach the conclusion our experience was very much real and valid, and we have seen the ugly face of addiction // we the closer ones // and take it as a strength and motivation to DO WHAT IT TAKES - never go back to that hell. It IS hell, queenie. You were just given a small glimpse of it, and look at all the pain. There is nothing worthy in there for you and you know it.
HUGS!
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
Dependency - Relationship
It helps to see clinical explanations and knowing that is the nature of addiction, that nothing special has happened, it is known/expected behavior and WE are not crazy.
SR and articles help validate our side of the experience when we do not get much validation in our real life, what with all the enablers, "party" scene, etc.
Ultimately we reach the conclusion our experience was very much real and valid, and we have seen the ugly face of addiction // we the closer ones // and take it as a strength and motivation to DO WHAT IT TAKES - never go back to that hell. It IS hell, queenie. You were just given a small glimpse of it, and look at all the pain. There is nothing worthy in there for you and you know it.
HUGS!
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