Laurelcanyon

I currently have been trying to detatch myself from the man I fell in live with who is an AH. When we met the honeymoon was like nothing ever before. And his handsome, kind , funny ways were so nice. He actually did and does listen to me on everything , none of which my ex did. I also have 3 beautiful chdren from my first husband. One night he found a number I had, which was only a number of a counselor a friend gave me, but ge went off, got mad , pushed me into an iron table, and the next day I had to get stitches in my arm. He was drunk, and said he has never done such s thing and me trying to hug him to explain the number and for him to call was rediculous. Then he bought jewelry apologizing...... I know thst cycle for my ex wasnit pysically abusive but would by things at times he was sorry. Many times when I was not with him he would call drunk anscuss me out. Names I have never beencalled. I learned to ignore it because he was drunk. Then I was pushed again, suitcase thrown , name calling at trips away which was scarry but it only happened when drinking. Hewould cry the next day. He tried outpatient rehab only to fail that in 3 weeks. He did cheat and lie numerous times. I still forgave though my little voice told me to get out now. He is not close with any famu, two divorces. He has tried to get his life together. I told him no more. But I can't go without talking to him. It hurts. He wants to meet my kids, my close tight healthy family...... But I amnot doing that till the other stops. Do now he blames it that because I exclude him from my life it makes him worse. Hegets very jealous...... About friends and fsmily. He is a hurt man and I see the soft side,but boy he can be the meanest ever. Now I'm toldidont know how to love, but I can't let him around when who knows whst will make him pop. He ssys he will not once in a stable inviornmwnt. I want to believe himbut if he can't do it for me alone why would he do it then? I'm nit sure why I feel so sorry for him but it's sad. I do love him, have nit seen him in weeks..... So I think he's better because I'm away from it. Though just Friday night he cussed me out and accused me being with someone else. When I was just with my family. How does my big heart finally wake up and be done untilhe is done with alcahol? My heart hurts when I try to end it.

Pelican

Hi Laurel,

Welcome to the SoberRecovery family. I'm sorry you are here with your heart hurting over your relationship with an active alcoholic.

You will find lots of support, wisdom and experience here.

What are you doing to help yourself during this time of seperation? Are you seeing a counselor?

Please post and read as much as needed. We care about you.

Laurelcanyon

I am seeing a counselor of whom I need to listen to. She says never to respond to him when he tries to make contact. She knows when I'm vulnerable and responds to him. We understand but I sometimes do not follow through with what we say because I have this love for him. I know he can nit be around my family as long as he is this way. I also become mad at myself I let him back in. No stress when he's gone. I have to become stronger. I am a pleaser to all and always want to help , but I have to realize I'm not helping myself. It's just sad..... Today he was the nicest ever. It hurts my heart. Through experience and time I hope to grow and learn why I give benefits to those I should not!

Pelican

I read on your other post that you are planning to attend an Alanon meeting tomorrow. Good for you!

I was an emotional basket case when I went to my first two Alanon meetings. I couldn't say anything but my name. They were so friendly. They allowed me to sit and listen and encouraged me to keep coming back.

I did keep going back. I joked with them that I liked the sober hugs I was getting at the end of meeting. I kept going back and finally found my voice. I was able to share my experiences with these friendly people who had similar experiences. I have learned more about myself, how to take care of myself, better care of my children, and skills that I use in my other relationships.

Let us know how you are doing and how your meeting goes.

bluejay6

Welcome LaurelC,

I'm glad you are seeing a counselor. You'll need ongoing support to stand against his power, because he has a lot of it.

You write, "He is a hurt man, and I see the soft side."

Oh, Laurel. You have "three beautiful children" and it is they who are hurt, it is your children who have the "soft side", and they desperately need protection from this angry, violent, volatile, untrustworthy, controlling, jealous, threatening man you have brought into their lives.

Please.....stay the course. Feel the pain in your heart but make a pledge with your head to protect your children from destruction. This man is capable of it.

Bluejay

kv816

First off, Welcome to Sober Recovery. Please keep coming back. I have grown so much since I started coming daily. The more I come, the better I get. Topped off with counseling and AlAnon meetings, nothing can stand in my way now.

I know how you feel. Someone once told me, when I first came here, that it doesn't stop. Even when the drinking would stop the abuse would continue. That he's programmed to be that way. I didn't believe it. The only time he ever cussed me out or threw things at me or pushed me or whatever was when he was drinking. And I knew him sober once upon a time--I knew what kind of kind, soft hearted man he really was deep down underneath the beer. It made everything so hard. Everyone screamed "no contact" but I couldn't do it. Because he really was a good guy and I didn't want to lose that good guy.

He's quit drinking on and off for the last year. There was a time there for about a month he hadn't had a drink at all. And in that time I learned that he's a jerk. Alcohol or not, it's all always about him. He has to be the victim and I'm always the one who attacked him. The last time we talked he was dry....not a drink in 3 weeks. It had been a good night. But I asked him if he was feeling okay, because he just seemed a little off to me. Said he could talk to me if he needed to. And I left it at that. He flew the coop. Accused me of being a liar and a cheat and he's tired of me always accusing him of drinking even when he hasn't been. I chose to leave. He threw a computer tower at me. I think he was drinking. But he swore to me he wasn't and hadn't been. I told him that's fine, I believe him that he wasn't drinking. Said it just reassures me that he's a jerk drunk or sober. And I left.

Deep down I believed what everyone had said. But I needed to find out for myself. Some things you just have to see with your own eyes or hear with your own ears to believe. I guess, for me, it made it easier to make a decision (no contact) based on my own experience over what everyone else said theirs were (even though they turned out to be the same experiences).

Keep coming back. You will get stronger. Even when you don't realize you are, someday something will happen and you'll react to it. Later when you're thinking about it you'll look at yourself and go "WOW, how I've changed!"

Freedom1990

My relationship with my EXAH was based on a sick, cloying love. We filled each other's unhealthy needs.

I can't tell you how many times I felt sorry for him. He was always just at the wrong place at the wrong time when he ended up in prison (3 times, mind you).

No one had ever given him a chance in life. He had been in and out of juvenile facilities and then prison, most of his life.

All these things he told me, I bought, hook, line, and sinker.

So, for five years I hung in there, being beaten on a daily basis, assasinated with his cruel words, and feeling like less of a person each and every day.

I didn't think I deserved any better.

Did it hurt to leave him? You bet.

The only way to get past the pain is to walk through it.

Mitsy

So much of your answer is within your post. Although my ex-boyfriend never physically abused me, his verbal & emotional abuse took an extreme toll on me. Your little voice is your compass here. You know that he is bad news. No matter how many times he apologizes or says it won't happen again, you cannot afford to give this man anymore chances. You have to be done with him in order to save yourself. Sure, it hurts...I know this all too well. We cannot believe that the guy we fell in love with who was kind, loving and caring could turn into the a-hole they always become when they are drunk & abusive. Your man is an abusive drunk. You need to conjure up enough anger to tell yourself that that is reason enough to stay far far away from him. No matter how many times they say they are sorry or that it will never happen again, NOTHING will change until they seek treatment. But, please don't wait months or years for this guy to change. I waited 2 years for mine to see the light & so far he never has. I doubt that he will change anytime soon IF ever, so I'm going on with my life as best as I can.

I encourage you to get into Al-Anon if you have not gone before. There you will find your compass in life as to what you need to do, but I'm sure you already know as that "voice" has already spoken to you. You deserve better and this guy will cause you to resent him and hate him even more later if you take him back yet once again. That is what they count on and they will use any number of manipulations in order to get you back or get you to talk to them. The average drunk is good at feigning sorrow or sadness in order to gain forgiveness from those they've hurt. Until they get into a rehab facility, get into AA (or both), the abuse and torture will continue. Get yourself in to Al-Anon ASAP. You won't be sorry.

Laurelcanyon

Unfortunately my household is going through the flu. Did not make the meeting for my 15 and 12 year old home with high fevers and tbe stomach thing. I'm hoping it ends soonfor this is the last of the first six weeks of their grading period in school. They need to be there! Hopefully tomorrow we will be turning the corner.
I'm here in with the kids and of course the AH calls and checks in snd is very very nice. No instances which makes it so hard for me to turn off. He's calli g more than their father!
I thank everyone for the posts, it helps so much. I have to k ow if he's done his abuse once it will happen again. He says it's from the place in his life he was out of control and unstable. He now understands. I know he will slip and I always say that will be it! I have to stick to it. He talks about marriage and me letting him in my life now.....
I know that can't be normal to push push push that when I have said he is not meeting my family or kids until he can be done witndrinking. He says he can monitor drinking and now understands his place in life and he's not living without me! Ugh! That's not healthy either.
I wish I was strong enough right at this moment to end it. He's been super nice and very hard to not think this handsome, succesful man who says all is really the other person. But he is. I just don't know the immediate feeling because I have not been around him much lately to feel scared or experience what I did before. I was strong enough to keep that, now I have to find it that I convince myself he really will come out eventually like before and hurt us, verbally! And who knows, physically could happen. And if he's jealous now of ex, there's no way. I think me and my children would be posessions!
I'm starting to get it...... But my big heart is hurting. My friends all say run..... Do not talk.....it's just easier said than done!
When I left him the first time he called and threatened suicide. I ignored it. He called his sister-in law...... She called the police . That was a bad bad situation.
I guess I have to realize it's not my redponsability to fix him. He has to.

Pelican

Hi LC,

You refer to this person as your AH (Alcoholic Husband). Are you married to him? If so, are you legally seperated.

I understand that you are seperated and not sharing a household at this point. Can you step back and look at your relationship from our point of view. Let's say you are describing a relationship of your 15 year old, five years from now. Your child's partner is treating your child as you are been treated. Is this how you want your child to be treated? Would you want her to share her precious life with someone's anger, jealousy, drunkenness, and abuse? If not, why do you want to set that example and tolerate it in your one precious life?

If he has changed for the better, he will continue to make positive changes in his life. He will make those changes for himself, by himself. Let him. Let his actions be your guide. If he is able to maintain sobriety and recovery six, nine and/or 12 months from now - terrific!

You don't have to rush back into any committment with him do you? Why put that much pressure on yourself? Give yourself time and space to work on your own recovery. You're worth the time and effort!