Reminder List/Confession
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Reminder List/Confession
Cath posted her list of the horrific things she endured to try to turn her frog into a prince. Here is mine, for me to say outloud (type into cyberspace) and own my part in this madness:
He has always paid more attention to other women than me.
He never ever reads what I write, even when I write for the New York Times Magazine.
I spend inordinant amounts of time listening to him and his issues about work and his life, but he's uninterested in mine.
When I try to leave, he pulls out the charm.
He repeatedly hurts me, does things to cruelly hurt me, intentionally lashes out at me, then blames me for my emotional reaction.
He doesn't take responsibility for the effect of his actions on our marriage.
He is passive aggressive as h***.
He has been leaving me for 14 years and I have run after him. He:
left me when I was pregnant with our 8 year old.
Left me and screwed two other women in 2004, one of them a woman who tried to befriend me so she could sleep with me and she still stalks me.
He came home drunk for months, telling me he was leaving me and I was a piece of crap, leaving out the fact that he was having an affair. I cried and begged him not to.
He brought his affair partner into my house, made her dinner, slept with her in MY HOUSE while I was on vacation wtih the kids.
He moved in with her 8 blocks from our house and paraded around town, living and drinking it up. She drinks more than he does and doesn't have any kids.
He played both of us for 4 months, then when I filed for divorce, he cried and said he wanted to come home. I let him. I believed him. Why? Things were great for a few months, then:
He wouldn't stop communicating with her. I would cry and he would rage.
He got drunk and rammed my car with his.
He gets drunk and says horrible things to me about my housekeeping, etc.
After he went out with her while we were suppose to be reconciling, he
told me he would kill me if I didn't stop crying. What does he say about that now? "I've never said that to anyone else."
He yelled at the kids and me, "F*** YOU ALL THIS IS HOW I CHOOSE TO LIVE MY LIFE I'M NOT HURTING YOU, YOU NEED TO MAN UP" (To our 8 and 11 year old boys) when we were telling him how it affects us when he drinks.
He lies to me, continues to lie to me, and will always lie to me about his contact with this other woman and his drinking.
Last night, after I busted him lying to me again about her, he finally said, You can count on my having open conversations with her.
I said thank you for your honesty. Good bye. And hung up.
Now, the real question is: have I had enough? I"m sure there's more where this came from. How committed am I to really honestly letting go?
He has always paid more attention to other women than me.
He never ever reads what I write, even when I write for the New York Times Magazine.
I spend inordinant amounts of time listening to him and his issues about work and his life, but he's uninterested in mine.
When I try to leave, he pulls out the charm.
He repeatedly hurts me, does things to cruelly hurt me, intentionally lashes out at me, then blames me for my emotional reaction.
He doesn't take responsibility for the effect of his actions on our marriage.
He is passive aggressive as h***.
He has been leaving me for 14 years and I have run after him. He:
left me when I was pregnant with our 8 year old.
Left me and screwed two other women in 2004, one of them a woman who tried to befriend me so she could sleep with me and she still stalks me.
He came home drunk for months, telling me he was leaving me and I was a piece of crap, leaving out the fact that he was having an affair. I cried and begged him not to.
He brought his affair partner into my house, made her dinner, slept with her in MY HOUSE while I was on vacation wtih the kids.
He moved in with her 8 blocks from our house and paraded around town, living and drinking it up. She drinks more than he does and doesn't have any kids.
He played both of us for 4 months, then when I filed for divorce, he cried and said he wanted to come home. I let him. I believed him. Why? Things were great for a few months, then:
He wouldn't stop communicating with her. I would cry and he would rage.
He got drunk and rammed my car with his.
He gets drunk and says horrible things to me about my housekeeping, etc.
After he went out with her while we were suppose to be reconciling, he
told me he would kill me if I didn't stop crying. What does he say about that now? "I've never said that to anyone else."
He yelled at the kids and me, "F*** YOU ALL THIS IS HOW I CHOOSE TO LIVE MY LIFE I'M NOT HURTING YOU, YOU NEED TO MAN UP" (To our 8 and 11 year old boys) when we were telling him how it affects us when he drinks.
He lies to me, continues to lie to me, and will always lie to me about his contact with this other woman and his drinking.
Last night, after I busted him lying to me again about her, he finally said, You can count on my having open conversations with her.
I said thank you for your honesty. Good bye. And hung up.
Now, the real question is: have I had enough? I"m sure there's more where this came from. How committed am I to really honestly letting go?
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Girl, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger. And funnier. And more grateful.
The challenge now is to walk away, really truly do it one minute at a time, and make a better life.
I ordered a book that's coming Tuesday, a workbook, and plan to start working in it immediatly. Pia Mellloday, The Intimacy Factor.
I know I've been taking two steps foward and one (or three) steps back for a long while. But I"m going to take responsibility for my life and fix it dammit.
You can too. We can do it together. When you-or I or anyone- is ready, the prayers will be answered and we're shown the way. It may take awhile to put our feet on the path, but today I'm determined.
Hugs!
The challenge now is to walk away, really truly do it one minute at a time, and make a better life.
I ordered a book that's coming Tuesday, a workbook, and plan to start working in it immediatly. Pia Mellloday, The Intimacy Factor.
I know I've been taking two steps foward and one (or three) steps back for a long while. But I"m going to take responsibility for my life and fix it dammit.
You can too. We can do it together. When you-or I or anyone- is ready, the prayers will be answered and we're shown the way. It may take awhile to put our feet on the path, but today I'm determined.
Hugs!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
This is a powerful, disturbing documentation of horror.
Just as the alcoholic builds a tolerance for alcohol over time--meaning that it takes more and more alcohol to get him loaded because his body is so used to the substance--you, as well, have built up a tolerance for abuse.
The only childhood your children have ever known has been disfigured by the sickness of their parents' marriage.
You alone can decide whether now you will finally put them first, and do what has needed doing for many years. His addiction has been in complete control of your family.
I hope you mean what you say about being willing to transform your life. His drinking and your codependency--both severe--have come first for far too long.
It's time to stop sacrificing your children on the altar of this destructive union.
For them endure the hard losses, the required changes, and the grief that will come as you finally set your life on a new course.
It's not too late. When we are uneducated about alcoholism and what it does to us and to our families, we are innocent victims.
But once our eyes are opened and we learn about the disease and the damage it does to the family.... then we are responsible, ever after, anytime we enable the addict and allow our loved ones to suffer because of it.
You know what you know, T.
It's not too late to heal your life.
Bluejay
Just as the alcoholic builds a tolerance for alcohol over time--meaning that it takes more and more alcohol to get him loaded because his body is so used to the substance--you, as well, have built up a tolerance for abuse.
The only childhood your children have ever known has been disfigured by the sickness of their parents' marriage.
You alone can decide whether now you will finally put them first, and do what has needed doing for many years. His addiction has been in complete control of your family.
I hope you mean what you say about being willing to transform your life. His drinking and your codependency--both severe--have come first for far too long.
It's time to stop sacrificing your children on the altar of this destructive union.
For them endure the hard losses, the required changes, and the grief that will come as you finally set your life on a new course.
It's not too late. When we are uneducated about alcoholism and what it does to us and to our families, we are innocent victims.
But once our eyes are opened and we learn about the disease and the damage it does to the family.... then we are responsible, ever after, anytime we enable the addict and allow our loved ones to suffer because of it.
You know what you know, T.
It's not too late to heal your life.
Bluejay
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: NSW, Australia
Posts: 197
Oh honey my heart hurts for you. Just reading this stuff makes me cry. I'm so sorry you've endured all that. What an insane diseases this is. You know if we all spent the same energy on ourselves as we have running around after/cleaning up after/worrying about/begging/loving/caring for our partners, Barack Obama & Kevin Rudd (substitute whoever you like here) would be out of a job. There would be just so many women ready to step up if we only had taken the time to persue our own lives & goals. Helen
Engineer Things; LOVE People
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 3,707
Originally Posted by transformyself 
He yelled at the kids and me, "F*** YOU ALL THIS IS HOW I CHOOSE TO LIVE MY LIFE I'M NOT HURTING YOU, YOU NEED TO MAN UP" (To our 8 and 11 year old boys) when we were telling him how it affects us when he drinks.
You need to Listen To The Man.
So Man UP and dump his sorry ass.
Why would you let this happen even once to your kids?
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: UK
Posts: 96
My husband left me about 12 times during our 6 year marriage, I always begged and cried and he would point the finger and tell me to change MY behaviiour then come home and nothing about his behaviour ever changed. We got caught in a spiral, me being part of his disease because I allowed him to look away from himself and concentrate on what was wrong with me, frustrated, angry, hurt, frightened always that he would leave...lots of arguments and then he finally left for good, i knew he had a game plan, had a bit of money, didnt need me, and yes he used to say horrid things about me to people including good friends when he was drunk too...a real betrayal of trust, a lack of loyalty and total disrespect. I didnt beg him back this time, have gone no contact for 7 months now and all Ive heard is how he cares for and respects me more than anyone else...ha ha...I am not happy as yet, but have some happy times, enjoy good friends and am so aware of how I was manipulated and so not loved, a hard heart with only his drinking to preserve at all costs, everything else could go out of the window...When your ready you will know and then you can start to be free..its a good feeling to have some control back, thats the scariest part of what they do to us, they diminish us and our own values and expectations of what we deserve...good luck and take it a day at a time, try not to think too far into the future... Hugs Lilly
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I've only been here a little while and have found deep support in some ways but I honestly don't understand why some of you folks are so self rightious and nasty. I believe it's as sick as my own behavior, or that of the alcoholic. I think you get off on it. It make me furious, mainly because I"m very good at being honest with myself, at taking responsibility for whatever damage I'm responsible for and working hard to fix myself.
BlueJay i've sent you a pm but need for you to know asap that you will not speak to me this way again. You have no right to judge me, speak to me in this condescending tone or make blanket statements about my childrens lives based on one post from me. I would NEVER judge or talk to other folks this way. If you've got some wisdom to share, or information that can help the situation, then do so, but do not attack me.
This:
The only childhood your children have ever known has been disfigured by the sickness of their parents' marriage. is beyond your right to print on my thread. My kids are in therapy, I have moved out to get away from him and am working hard. You don't know me. You sling these judgments at someone working hard to undo years of damage but you're cloaked in anonymity so it's easy to be so nasty.
and this I hope you mean what you say about being willing to transform your life.
Hammer, you've used the same tactic here
Why would you let this happen even once to your kids? and I would encourage you also to be kind, to be truthful and helpful without being rude.
Shaming people, beating them down when they're working hard on fixing destructive patterns is abusive in my book.
BlueJay i've sent you a pm but need for you to know asap that you will not speak to me this way again. You have no right to judge me, speak to me in this condescending tone or make blanket statements about my childrens lives based on one post from me. I would NEVER judge or talk to other folks this way. If you've got some wisdom to share, or information that can help the situation, then do so, but do not attack me.
This:
The only childhood your children have ever known has been disfigured by the sickness of their parents' marriage. is beyond your right to print on my thread. My kids are in therapy, I have moved out to get away from him and am working hard. You don't know me. You sling these judgments at someone working hard to undo years of damage but you're cloaked in anonymity so it's easy to be so nasty.
and this I hope you mean what you say about being willing to transform your life.
Hammer, you've used the same tactic here
Why would you let this happen even once to your kids? and I would encourage you also to be kind, to be truthful and helpful without being rude.
Shaming people, beating them down when they're working hard on fixing destructive patterns is abusive in my book.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Everybody breathe, please.
This is a place that is full of stories, and full of pain, and full of triggers, and full of people exercising different ways to help in the best ways they know how (one of those ways is often a nudge toward getting angry enough to protect ourselves, which can either be very helpful or not so much, depending on the personalities involved).
There are also a lot of adult children of alcoholics who have suffered the damage done by alcoholic-codependent marriages. It can be volatile, fierce, but also very loving and helpful (as you've discovered)
Because we are damaged people trying to help other damaged people, sometimes things can get bumpy.
Please try to be kind, clear, and patient with each other.
This is a place that is full of stories, and full of pain, and full of triggers, and full of people exercising different ways to help in the best ways they know how (one of those ways is often a nudge toward getting angry enough to protect ourselves, which can either be very helpful or not so much, depending on the personalities involved).
There are also a lot of adult children of alcoholics who have suffered the damage done by alcoholic-codependent marriages. It can be volatile, fierce, but also very loving and helpful (as you've discovered)
Because we are damaged people trying to help other damaged people, sometimes things can get bumpy.
Please try to be kind, clear, and patient with each other.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
I hear you, transform, and I'm sorry if my tone was too strong.
When I see a mother who seems to be wavering--as you did in your final line of your original post--I am moved to talk straight and clear about the consequences to her children if she goes back for more abuse.
Children of addictive families are always victims of child abuse. I will not waver on that. And I am glad your children are receiving help for the damage done.
My hope is that you keep moving forward, not backward, as you seemed almost at risk of doing.
There are others here apart from me who can offer you support in a better way more suited to you, and I will step away from further responses, I promise. It is not my intent to do any damage. I wish you the very best.
Bluejay
When I see a mother who seems to be wavering--as you did in your final line of your original post--I am moved to talk straight and clear about the consequences to her children if she goes back for more abuse.
Children of addictive families are always victims of child abuse. I will not waver on that. And I am glad your children are receiving help for the damage done.
My hope is that you keep moving forward, not backward, as you seemed almost at risk of doing.
There are others here apart from me who can offer you support in a better way more suited to you, and I will step away from further responses, I promise. It is not my intent to do any damage. I wish you the very best.
Bluejay
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Transform,
When we are in Recovery we often become angry when we realize and think about things we have suffered through. Many people here at SR have come from alcoholic and/or addicted families and have suffered much abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, etc. When we begin to work through these issues it is as if we have torn open some very deep, raw and painful injuries. We begin to re-live them. Please try to understand that sometimes we never fully work through them, that some people on SR have recently torn open our old wounds, or are still living with acute pain. We also develop very strong wishes that no other children suffer what we suffered.
So sometimes, on SR, because it is a forum that allows people to express themselves freely and respond and direct our comments to a particular person, we may respond to someone's posts (like yours), out of our own fear, pain, panic, history, etc.
Please don't be furious. I am certain that the posts that upset you were not meant to attack you specifically; that they were written to share our own pain and in the hope that you will see how serious and afraid we all really are.
We are all re-living and learning and I can guarantee that your response has taught someone else here something. So, instead of being mad and hurt, please feel good that you have just helped someone.
This is why I strongly suggest Al-Anon to anyone who comes here. I hope that you at least give them a try.
Now, here's the rest of my opinions on this subject:
Some people believe very strongly that no child should live with an alcoholic or addicted parent. Most of these folks appear to believe that children are damaged by living in this type of family and that the damage is permanent. I personally do not believe this.
I believe that all people have unique, individual capacities. Children are very resilient human beings, capable of ignoring and forgetting words that they hear just as eaily as they are capable of internalizing and remembering words that they hear. Some children are inclined to one or the other or both. You are in the best position to know your children and what they need in this regard (for example, which is more sensitive and may need more of your own intervention).
I have five siblings and we all grew up in the same household. We all managed living with our alcholic father in different ways. I do not believe that any of us was permanently "damaged" by it. I personally now believe (after almost 40 years of blaming the alcoholic for everything that has EVER gone wrong in our family) that the way we turn out is more dependent on our biology than our social upbringing.
I am glad to hear that your children are in therapy. I hope also that you are able to have active and honest communication with them. From personal experience I can tell you that it will be very beneficial to your children that you (1) REFUSE to feel guilt or shame over ANYTHING that you feel they may have suffered through and (2) TALK TO THEM and tell them every day if you have to, that their father is a good person with a disease and that none of his behavior has anything to do with them, that they did not cause it, and that no one can control it. This is where (if you are open to it) learning some Bible basics and stories may be helpful to them.
I hope that something here in my post is helpful to you. If you would like to talk about my experiences growing up and how my Mother helped me immensely, please feel free to PM me. Have a nice night. Be strong.
When we are in Recovery we often become angry when we realize and think about things we have suffered through. Many people here at SR have come from alcoholic and/or addicted families and have suffered much abuse, physical, sexual, emotional, psychological, etc. When we begin to work through these issues it is as if we have torn open some very deep, raw and painful injuries. We begin to re-live them. Please try to understand that sometimes we never fully work through them, that some people on SR have recently torn open our old wounds, or are still living with acute pain. We also develop very strong wishes that no other children suffer what we suffered.
So sometimes, on SR, because it is a forum that allows people to express themselves freely and respond and direct our comments to a particular person, we may respond to someone's posts (like yours), out of our own fear, pain, panic, history, etc.
Please don't be furious. I am certain that the posts that upset you were not meant to attack you specifically; that they were written to share our own pain and in the hope that you will see how serious and afraid we all really are.
We are all re-living and learning and I can guarantee that your response has taught someone else here something. So, instead of being mad and hurt, please feel good that you have just helped someone.
This is why I strongly suggest Al-Anon to anyone who comes here. I hope that you at least give them a try.
Now, here's the rest of my opinions on this subject:
Some people believe very strongly that no child should live with an alcoholic or addicted parent. Most of these folks appear to believe that children are damaged by living in this type of family and that the damage is permanent. I personally do not believe this.
I believe that all people have unique, individual capacities. Children are very resilient human beings, capable of ignoring and forgetting words that they hear just as eaily as they are capable of internalizing and remembering words that they hear. Some children are inclined to one or the other or both. You are in the best position to know your children and what they need in this regard (for example, which is more sensitive and may need more of your own intervention).
I have five siblings and we all grew up in the same household. We all managed living with our alcholic father in different ways. I do not believe that any of us was permanently "damaged" by it. I personally now believe (after almost 40 years of blaming the alcoholic for everything that has EVER gone wrong in our family) that the way we turn out is more dependent on our biology than our social upbringing.
I am glad to hear that your children are in therapy. I hope also that you are able to have active and honest communication with them. From personal experience I can tell you that it will be very beneficial to your children that you (1) REFUSE to feel guilt or shame over ANYTHING that you feel they may have suffered through and (2) TALK TO THEM and tell them every day if you have to, that their father is a good person with a disease and that none of his behavior has anything to do with them, that they did not cause it, and that no one can control it. This is where (if you are open to it) learning some Bible basics and stories may be helpful to them.
I hope that something here in my post is helpful to you. If you would like to talk about my experiences growing up and how my Mother helped me immensely, please feel free to PM me. Have a nice night. Be strong.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks for taking the time to send a comment, Learn2Live.
I am no longer furious thank you. I'm relieved that my boundary was accepted so easily. It was scary to draw it but I feel much better now.
discourse, discussion and deep deep honesty is part of how we heal. I believe the other elements are spiritual.
Family of Origin Stuff is powerful and fascinating. I'm working on a memoir about myself and 2 sisters. How we each grew up in the same house, raised by the same parents, came out of our childhoods with different issues and are healing them in different ways. It's amazing and beautiful. A gift, this book. And I'm sure this seperation from my AH, my drawing the line this clearly is more healing work for myself, for our children and for him. Should we accept it.
My kids have doing relatively well and I speak very honestly with them about their parents imperfections. I work hard to do the first two things on your list; releasing guilt and shame, and educating them about addiction as a disease. The therapist is there so they can share with someone outside of this mess and she's wonderful. She's another gift.
And I use this phrase to forgive myself
I forgive you for now knowing then what you know now.
It works.
We're not Christian but very faithful and spiritual and I teach them our ways.
I appreciate your help!
I am no longer furious thank you. I'm relieved that my boundary was accepted so easily. It was scary to draw it but I feel much better now.
discourse, discussion and deep deep honesty is part of how we heal. I believe the other elements are spiritual.
Family of Origin Stuff is powerful and fascinating. I'm working on a memoir about myself and 2 sisters. How we each grew up in the same house, raised by the same parents, came out of our childhoods with different issues and are healing them in different ways. It's amazing and beautiful. A gift, this book. And I'm sure this seperation from my AH, my drawing the line this clearly is more healing work for myself, for our children and for him. Should we accept it.
My kids have doing relatively well and I speak very honestly with them about their parents imperfections. I work hard to do the first two things on your list; releasing guilt and shame, and educating them about addiction as a disease. The therapist is there so they can share with someone outside of this mess and she's wonderful. She's another gift.
And I use this phrase to forgive myself
I forgive you for now knowing then what you know now.
It works.
We're not Christian but very faithful and spiritual and I teach them our ways.
I appreciate your help!
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
Posts: 3,433
((Transform))) - that was a very difficult post to read and I commend your courage for posting it. I had a list like this too, once.... 10 yrs ago when I was in a very abusive relationship. My list was more like a pros/cons list. As you can imagine the pros list was very short. The cons list also had a sub-list of every lie I could remember catching him in. There were 52 of them....in a year. Some of them were HUGE lies (like his brother running off a cliff and being in ICU and receiving last rights) and smaller ones (like "I'm divorced."). The list was incredibly hard to read and would physically make me nauseous. I stayed with him another TWO years after that.
We stay for numerous reasons not the least of which is that we just don't believe we deserve or can get anything better. I finally decided being in single hell would be better than that **** any day. I guess I'd just finally had enough. I was done. It took way too long.
You deserve so much more. Give this gift of love to yourself. Be at peace.
You are loved!
We stay for numerous reasons not the least of which is that we just don't believe we deserve or can get anything better. I finally decided being in single hell would be better than that **** any day. I guess I'd just finally had enough. I was done. It took way too long.
You deserve so much more. Give this gift of love to yourself. Be at peace.
You are loved!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
And I use this phrase to forgive myself
I forgive you for not knowing then what you know now.
I forgive you for not knowing then what you know now.
I have a similar one that I swiped from Julia Campbell:
I did the best I could with the light I had to see by at the time.
Hope you choose to stay on this healing path....for you, for your kids, for your sisters, for everyone.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
tjp I LOVE your icon. Beautiful. And thank you for your kind words.
I guess I should at some point have conjured up a pros list.
Instead I"m working on my compassion and detachment. It's much better than running him over with the car.
Thank you!
I guess I should at some point have conjured up a pros list.
Instead I"m working on my compassion and detachment. It's much better than running him over with the car.
Thank you!
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
And Give Love, I also hope I stay on this healing path. I was on it last summer when we were seperated and he was living with the piece of crap he ran off with who drinks more than he does (gee, think I'm still bitter?) And just as I was embracing my life, he wanted to come home. I so wanted to believe we would be happy.
But we can't. Not while he's drinking. Poor guy. He's losing a fantastic, smart, beautiful, funny friend and partner. Wow. That's how i really feel today. I hope I feel this way every day..
But we can't. Not while he's drinking. Poor guy. He's losing a fantastic, smart, beautiful, funny friend and partner. Wow. That's how i really feel today. I hope I feel this way every day..
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... Im so pleased to meet you... and also very sorry that your situation is what brought you here... but unfortunally it is usually pain that seems to bring us to our knees....
All I can offer you is a little of myself and my personal experience... my honest and hopefully gental approach and to tell you my only desire is to help you in what your currently going through.... Only my personal thoughts... please remember to take what you like and leave the rest.....
Im the adult child of a raging alcoholic. My Mother was the alcoholic in my life... and today I will tell you that she was the most amazing person, considering where and what she came from I have nothing but respect for the women she became. The last five years of my Mothers life we were friends ... But I would be remiss if I made it sound like all that did not have a huge price....
I have a little sister that is in jail today for driving on a supended license, she has twice now had 2 DUI's in one night and so far has been able to stay clean (not sober) for 4 years... she is also a beautiful person but in the darkest part of her addiction she ended up in jail and lost custody of all 4 of her children... because 2 of them were from a different father ... the family was split up. Since then she went back to one of the fathers and had just as dysfunctional relationship with him as before and last March he was walking home drunk and fell into a city lake and died.... those children now have no father... good or bad.
My Brother took the other extreem and ruled his family with an iron hand. He married his wife very young (17) and they started a family. They are still married today and have raised 4 children. Once I saw what I felt was his wife abusing his 3 year old son... he was crying and she "gave him something to cry about" and slapped him in the face. When I approached my brother with this because I was distraught... he told me to stay out of it... that I did not understand.
I on the otherhand grew up to marry an alcoholic ... I had my daughter with him... and lived alot of what you talk about in your first post. I left him when my daughter was two years old. I took what I hoped was the high road... always told my daughter that her father loves her.... just not the way she wants/needs to be loved. Last year my daughter blessed me with a beautiful granddaughter.... At less then one month old my daughter took a plane and presented her daughter to her father... she has "always" sought his approval and love. Neither he has been able to give her because he is so sick in his disease that he has nothing to give.... well she took her baby girl to him and at the end of that evening she was walking down a country road with her 4 week old baby, in the dark trying to get to a main road because her father decided he did not approve of her life and started pushing and screaming at her while she was holding her daughter. She ended up stuck in a car while her father beat the heck out of it and her daugher cried in her arms....
*flashback .... that samething happened to me when she was a baby*
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Im the first one to tell you I LOVE the alcoholics in my life and they are wonderful people when the disease is not in control, but the long they drink the worse it will get. Im SO thankful today that I left her father when I did.
Now to get back to my thoughts.... I do, with all my heart, believe that we learned a majority of this behavior as children... I have been in theraphy since almost all my life. But I have repeated much of what I learned as a child. I personally think it is very harmful for children to live in addictive homes.... Im 45 years old and only in the last 5 years have I found peace and senerity. I have had theraphy, al-anon, ACoA, Inner child theraphy and CoDA....
I also know how hard it is to break cycles and we usually never do that till we have had enough pain. Mine was when my ex lost it, snapped my head back while I was holding our 2 year old ... took my daughter and in one motion put her down and through me across the room ... right in front of her.... It was there and then that I decided I would not teach my daughter that it was good enough to be treated like that...
Since then the one thing I come back to time and time again.... If it is not good enough for my daughter, it is not good enought for me because she would learn from my example... not my words. I do think there is a reason for everything but I find it hard to come up with good reasons for why the abuse was necessary for any of us.
I wish you all the best there is and look forward to getting to know you better...
All I can offer you is a little of myself and my personal experience... my honest and hopefully gental approach and to tell you my only desire is to help you in what your currently going through.... Only my personal thoughts... please remember to take what you like and leave the rest.....
Im the adult child of a raging alcoholic. My Mother was the alcoholic in my life... and today I will tell you that she was the most amazing person, considering where and what she came from I have nothing but respect for the women she became. The last five years of my Mothers life we were friends ... But I would be remiss if I made it sound like all that did not have a huge price....
I have a little sister that is in jail today for driving on a supended license, she has twice now had 2 DUI's in one night and so far has been able to stay clean (not sober) for 4 years... she is also a beautiful person but in the darkest part of her addiction she ended up in jail and lost custody of all 4 of her children... because 2 of them were from a different father ... the family was split up. Since then she went back to one of the fathers and had just as dysfunctional relationship with him as before and last March he was walking home drunk and fell into a city lake and died.... those children now have no father... good or bad.
My Brother took the other extreem and ruled his family with an iron hand. He married his wife very young (17) and they started a family. They are still married today and have raised 4 children. Once I saw what I felt was his wife abusing his 3 year old son... he was crying and she "gave him something to cry about" and slapped him in the face. When I approached my brother with this because I was distraught... he told me to stay out of it... that I did not understand.
I on the otherhand grew up to marry an alcoholic ... I had my daughter with him... and lived alot of what you talk about in your first post. I left him when my daughter was two years old. I took what I hoped was the high road... always told my daughter that her father loves her.... just not the way she wants/needs to be loved. Last year my daughter blessed me with a beautiful granddaughter.... At less then one month old my daughter took a plane and presented her daughter to her father... she has "always" sought his approval and love. Neither he has been able to give her because he is so sick in his disease that he has nothing to give.... well she took her baby girl to him and at the end of that evening she was walking down a country road with her 4 week old baby, in the dark trying to get to a main road because her father decided he did not approve of her life and started pushing and screaming at her while she was holding her daughter. She ended up stuck in a car while her father beat the heck out of it and her daugher cried in her arms....
*flashback .... that samething happened to me when she was a baby*
Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Im the first one to tell you I LOVE the alcoholics in my life and they are wonderful people when the disease is not in control, but the long they drink the worse it will get. Im SO thankful today that I left her father when I did.
Now to get back to my thoughts.... I do, with all my heart, believe that we learned a majority of this behavior as children... I have been in theraphy since almost all my life. But I have repeated much of what I learned as a child. I personally think it is very harmful for children to live in addictive homes.... Im 45 years old and only in the last 5 years have I found peace and senerity. I have had theraphy, al-anon, ACoA, Inner child theraphy and CoDA....
I also know how hard it is to break cycles and we usually never do that till we have had enough pain. Mine was when my ex lost it, snapped my head back while I was holding our 2 year old ... took my daughter and in one motion put her down and through me across the room ... right in front of her.... It was there and then that I decided I would not teach my daughter that it was good enough to be treated like that...
Since then the one thing I come back to time and time again.... If it is not good enough for my daughter, it is not good enought for me because she would learn from my example... not my words. I do think there is a reason for everything but I find it hard to come up with good reasons for why the abuse was necessary for any of us.
I wish you all the best there is and look forward to getting to know you better...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 53
look at that JOHN EDWARDS the ex senator from north carolina , with all his lies...phony great family man..standing by his wife with cancer...only to find out all this garbage about him....and that skank...and now his love child..
WHAT A RAT HE TURNED OUT TO BE!!!
what scares and shocks me..is how..i..and so many women..
we put up with this horrible , soul destroying behavior..
my A finally left me...but boy oh boy..
REJECTION EQUALS GODS PROTECTION!!
:praying
WHAT A RAT HE TURNED OUT TO BE!!!
what scares and shocks me..is how..i..and so many women..
we put up with this horrible , soul destroying behavior..
my A finally left me...but boy oh boy..
REJECTION EQUALS GODS PROTECTION!!
:praying
Last edited by KMMK; 09-21-2009 at 07:20 PM.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Cynay thank you for sharing your amazing story. What a collection we have here. Someday soon I"ll post my story as well. for now, keep em coming. I"m honored that you're all sharing. It gives me strength and hope.
Love, Transformyself.
Love, Transformyself.
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