Self-pity
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
I'm going tonight, I will probably do the same. I think it's all part of the grief process, but today my mind wants to slip right back into denial. I want to talk to him, or call him, or see him, and it feels just like it did when I wanted to drink. That thought has also crossed my mind today. Been isolating, and really, I'm just a mess. I can't wait until my Al-anon meeting tonight.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
STBXAH came with his dad today to pick up the last of his things. He looked awful. All I wanted to do was hug him tightly and cry all over him! But I didn't. Didn't let any of it show. Just kept up the mindless cheery chatter with his dad (my favourite inlaw). STBXAH apologised and wished me well before he left - the only point we were alone together. I spent the next hour bawling my eyes out. Damn. I don't want him back, I don't want to live like that, I am excited about moving on but, sometimes, I just want to hold him close and tell him it will be OK.
Been trying to disctract myself tonight too - and its been working! Been immersing myself in mindless games. Ah well, the only way left for us all to go is up!
Been trying to disctract myself tonight too - and its been working! Been immersing myself in mindless games. Ah well, the only way left for us all to go is up!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Posts: 133
Thank you for your strength Bookwyrn. I know that feeling well...guilt, like I am doing something horrible to you by taking care of me. That's just B.S. We didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we cant cure it. I keep telling myself that over and over. Guilt and shame eat at the insides of enablers. Gosh, it must be in the air today.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ireland
Posts: 152
You put it so well, bookwyrm. I havent seen or spoken to my husband since he moved out 3 months ago, but I go through says when I feel soo guilty. Its the aftermath of all the stuff he threw at me about how I was destroying him, that I was trying to make him drink again, that he thought he had a home for life now he'd be backing to renting a tiny apartment for the rest of his life.
I was always the one with the better job, he used to 'jokingly' refer to me in company as his pension.
But still there seems to be a part of me that took some of that on board and feels guilty. One day last week I just cried and cried because I know he's not all bad and I've put him out of his home (my house) and I wanted to say sorry, I had to do it to survive.
I was always the one with the better job, he used to 'jokingly' refer to me in company as his pension.
But still there seems to be a part of me that took some of that on board and feels guilty. One day last week I just cried and cried because I know he's not all bad and I've put him out of his home (my house) and I wanted to say sorry, I had to do it to survive.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Sophia:
Interesting, isn't it, how one can see a common refrain in the postings sent in by us SR participants? The refrain goes like this: Alcoholic person latches on to another "stronger" (i.e. non-addicted) person for emotional and financial support, then pulls the guilt trip when the person they are using gets tired of being used and puts an end to it.
If you've read many of the posts here, and are familiar with alcoholism in general, you know, or will find, that alcoholics are quite adept at latching on to others who will support them financially and emotionally. This is, of course, because their drinking usually (if not initially, then certainly eventually) leaves them without the ability to support themselves, and they wind up...ah....how to put this mildly?... MOOCHING! When the person being mooched off of gets weary of being used, then all the stops are pulled out, starting with the most common, and powerful, manipulation of all: the GUILT TRAP. Women, bless our nurturing souls, fall for this time and time again. I myself worked for many years to get out of the GUILT TRAP.
I want to respond specifically to part of your post, which I've quoted:
Regarding the first comment:
Let me tell you, he was not "joking" when he referred to you as his pension. It was the truth, and you have obviously faced up to the ugly fact.
Regarding the second part:
Maybe it will help you avoid falling into the guilt trap by altering your thinking on this. Of course, he's not "all bad". This is not an issue of "badness" or "goodness", and when you think of him in these dimensions, you open yourself up to self criticism and self doubt for treating him so "cruelly" when he is "not a BAD person".
What you need to be attending to is the fact that he is not "BAD", but he is "SICK". And the type of sickness he has is not helped by your kindness, your compassion, your willingness to put a roof over his head or food on his table. You didn't put him out of "his" house. You put him out of "your" house, and you have every right to the comfort, security, and pleasure of your OWN house, without sharing it (to your distress) with an active alcoholic. Think back when he first moved it. Would you have moved him in if he'd said to you, openly, the following? "I need a place to live, but I am an alcoholic, and, as an alcoholic, I will be a miserable room-mate to live with".
Of course not! So, instead of feeling guilty, how about feeling proud? brave? compassionate? courageous? caring? In fact, you are doing ALL of these things by kicking him out, so give yourself the positive recognition you deserve. The more he cries about how "mean" and "cruel" you are, the more you need to recognize that you are "not mean" and "not cruel" and that you are courageous enough to take a stand, say "NO", willing be be called all sorts of terrible things, treated in all sorts of bad ways, because you have your eyes on your higher purpose, which is to withdraw from your previous role in helping him maintain his addiction. You owe him NO apology! He owes YOU an apology. (Don't expect to get it, though).
Hang in there. Don't fall for the manipulation. If you haven't done so, search this website for "Hooks Which Keep us in Boundary-less Relationships". It's great reading, especially for those which have been hooked by any number of the alcoholic's manipulations (and there are many).
Electa
Interesting, isn't it, how one can see a common refrain in the postings sent in by us SR participants? The refrain goes like this: Alcoholic person latches on to another "stronger" (i.e. non-addicted) person for emotional and financial support, then pulls the guilt trip when the person they are using gets tired of being used and puts an end to it.
If you've read many of the posts here, and are familiar with alcoholism in general, you know, or will find, that alcoholics are quite adept at latching on to others who will support them financially and emotionally. This is, of course, because their drinking usually (if not initially, then certainly eventually) leaves them without the ability to support themselves, and they wind up...ah....how to put this mildly?... MOOCHING! When the person being mooched off of gets weary of being used, then all the stops are pulled out, starting with the most common, and powerful, manipulation of all: the GUILT TRAP. Women, bless our nurturing souls, fall for this time and time again. I myself worked for many years to get out of the GUILT TRAP.
Originally Posted by Sophia57 
I was always the one with the better job, he used to 'jokingly' refer to me in company as his pension.
But still there seems to be a part of me that took some of that on board and feels guilty. One day last week I just cried and cried because I know he's not all bad and I've put him out of his home (my house).
But still there seems to be a part of me that took some of that on board and feels guilty. One day last week I just cried and cried because I know he's not all bad and I've put him out of his home (my house).
Regarding the first comment:
Let me tell you, he was not "joking" when he referred to you as his pension. It was the truth, and you have obviously faced up to the ugly fact.
Regarding the second part:
Maybe it will help you avoid falling into the guilt trap by altering your thinking on this. Of course, he's not "all bad". This is not an issue of "badness" or "goodness", and when you think of him in these dimensions, you open yourself up to self criticism and self doubt for treating him so "cruelly" when he is "not a BAD person".
What you need to be attending to is the fact that he is not "BAD", but he is "SICK". And the type of sickness he has is not helped by your kindness, your compassion, your willingness to put a roof over his head or food on his table. You didn't put him out of "his" house. You put him out of "your" house, and you have every right to the comfort, security, and pleasure of your OWN house, without sharing it (to your distress) with an active alcoholic. Think back when he first moved it. Would you have moved him in if he'd said to you, openly, the following? "I need a place to live, but I am an alcoholic, and, as an alcoholic, I will be a miserable room-mate to live with".
Of course not! So, instead of feeling guilty, how about feeling proud? brave? compassionate? courageous? caring? In fact, you are doing ALL of these things by kicking him out, so give yourself the positive recognition you deserve. The more he cries about how "mean" and "cruel" you are, the more you need to recognize that you are "not mean" and "not cruel" and that you are courageous enough to take a stand, say "NO", willing be be called all sorts of terrible things, treated in all sorts of bad ways, because you have your eyes on your higher purpose, which is to withdraw from your previous role in helping him maintain his addiction. You owe him NO apology! He owes YOU an apology. (Don't expect to get it, though).
Hang in there. Don't fall for the manipulation. If you haven't done so, search this website for "Hooks Which Keep us in Boundary-less Relationships". It's great reading, especially for those which have been hooked by any number of the alcoholic's manipulations (and there are many).
Electa
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
holy cow, I did this this am too. I just posted about it and then came across this thread, LOL.
I want to hug my ah too and tell him it'll be ok. I have done that many, many times. Today when I felt like that I realized it was my wanting to care take and take care of him. It's as if I take care of him, I feel better because the only way to feel "normal" with him is to be there for him....him him him. You know, who hugs me and tells me it's going to beok? Not him, he's never done that. But after an abusive drunken rage, I do that for him? man, my life has become backwards.
So today, I hugged myself.
I want to hug my ah too and tell him it'll be ok. I have done that many, many times. Today when I felt like that I realized it was my wanting to care take and take care of him. It's as if I take care of him, I feel better because the only way to feel "normal" with him is to be there for him....him him him. You know, who hugs me and tells me it's going to beok? Not him, he's never done that. But after an abusive drunken rage, I do that for him? man, my life has become backwards.
So today, I hugged myself.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Loneliness makes us do strange and self-destructive things. I find myself missing him too and lamenting over the good times, forgetting there was so much that was bad and terrible. I haven't seen my 2-year-old daughter in 3 weeks--she's with my sister-in-law while I get my life "straightened out." Without my phone, it's so hard to keep up with my support system, and I'm scared of resorting to bad decisions.
I shared in yesterday's meeting that I miss my family and find myself hating people who have them. Hate waking up and going to sleep by myself. TV dinners in front of the computer. Not hearing my own voice for several hours at a time. Dreading the upcoming holidays. I realize that I got myself to this point through my own actions, but it's a hard place to be sometimes.
I shared in yesterday's meeting that I miss my family and find myself hating people who have them. Hate waking up and going to sleep by myself. TV dinners in front of the computer. Not hearing my own voice for several hours at a time. Dreading the upcoming holidays. I realize that I got myself to this point through my own actions, but it's a hard place to be sometimes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3
May I join the club?
I always read but don't post, because don't have the time.
With XAXBF we separated a year ago after living together for 3 years. I had to make him leave because of his drinking but apart from a couple of months I have been in love with him for 13 years - 10 years from a distance. After splitting, he went back to the UK, I stayed in Hungary (I am Hungarian, he moved here for me, didn't work).
We went no contact for 6 months, then started texting and phoning. He is doing great, goes to AA, does charity work, sober for 8 months. I am happy for him, he is a great guy, the love of my life and I don't seem to get over him, ever. I try to recover, reading Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency, SR, but don't have much time for myself being a single mum and being in a very stressful full time job (advertising).
Anyway, I was sad yesterday, and in fact, for months. The thought of not living with him again ever tears my soul apart.
Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of our first kiss.
With XAXBF we separated a year ago after living together for 3 years. I had to make him leave because of his drinking but apart from a couple of months I have been in love with him for 13 years - 10 years from a distance. After splitting, he went back to the UK, I stayed in Hungary (I am Hungarian, he moved here for me, didn't work).
We went no contact for 6 months, then started texting and phoning. He is doing great, goes to AA, does charity work, sober for 8 months. I am happy for him, he is a great guy, the love of my life and I don't seem to get over him, ever. I try to recover, reading Codependent No More, Beyond Codependency, SR, but don't have much time for myself being a single mum and being in a very stressful full time job (advertising).
Anyway, I was sad yesterday, and in fact, for months. The thought of not living with him again ever tears my soul apart.
Yesterday was the 13th anniversary of our first kiss.
aka Glenna :)
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Me too. Never loved anyone more than him before. But then I wonder if it was love or the need to fill the huge hole in my heart.
ETA: Wondering if I will get any sleep tonight.
ETA: Wondering if I will get any sleep tonight.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 3
I don't know, Catch. But I know if I keep thinking about it, I will go mad. Maybe I am lucky that I don't have much time to think.
I hope you will have a better day today.
If I don't reply for awhile, forgive me. My son just woke up (it is 8 am here).
I wanted to add that I admire this forum, it helps me a lot when I am feeling down, and I keep my fingers crossed for you to keep walking on your journey.
Hugs,
Judit
I hope you will have a better day today.
If I don't reply for awhile, forgive me. My son just woke up (it is 8 am here).
I wanted to add that I admire this forum, it helps me a lot when I am feeling down, and I keep my fingers crossed for you to keep walking on your journey.
Hugs,
Judit
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Cath, it has helped me A LOT remember the bad stuff and not get stuck in the "romantic part"! Keep doing it....
Now is the time to put yourself in hands of God/HP.... and don't say you don't have a support system.. you have us..you have nature.. you have God/HP leading you by the hand... you will soon have a new day... can you imagine? a new day in this wonderful planet... your days are finite here you know.. and you have a brand new chance to decide who you are...neither the past or others define you... ONLY YOU DO...right now... you are becoming more truthful to yourself, to share more of what you are, with us and all the others around you... your gifts, qualities and talents... you are growing.
Small steps, don't look at the whole picture, just do "the next right thing"... for me that meant BREATHE!!
Its almost been a year of No Contact for me, and it DOES GET EASIER.. today I started to finally FEEL LIKE MY OWN OLD SELF AGAIN!! I almost cried of joy!! Laughing out loud... and starting to like my current life... remembering excellent friends and times in my life that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with this diseased person that does not know how to treat a good friend and lady like me! My error was to believe in him more than myself and what I know in my heart is true.
And all the pain before.. has been worth the great gifts given to me... and it will happen to you too... it is like dying and coming back to life with renewed eyes... everything starts making sense, everything feels better, everything looks better... you start to truly feel ALIVE and IMPORTANT and IN CHARGE of your life and with a better "picker" of the people in your life...
Be patient and good to yourself ok? you are just a human and going through a lot. Keep up remembering the bad stuff... even if painful, keep remembering ALL THOSE TIMES where you could have had a good time and you were crying, upset or/and angry... that enough makes me very angry, to know my move to a great city and great job were HORRIBLE when they should have been exciting!!
But I get mourning comes in waves so...
I have remembered funny memories, and starting to be grateful for them... but I also know the monster that hides within... and NO GOOD TIMES are worth any single instance of verbal abuse or cruelty...
It takes time and effort to "fine tune" those feelings... remember the good with a smile and the bad as a lesson learned... but you will get there... believe me if I am getting there you can, too!!
I am rambling... but you are not alone.. many have walked that path and look at them, their sense of peace and joy is extraordinary... you are on that path too!! there is light at the end of the tunnel, there truly is, and when you find you have been loved dearly all this time... trusting God/HP/your destiny.. feeling in your heart you are being protected from worse harm and taken to a better place... that is priceless !
As long as there is hope nothing is lost...
Love is not what you want to feel... love is what you feel without even wanting/pursuing it... you just need to make some space for it to come out again... it was, it is and it will always be in your heart. No one ever can take real love away from you... there is an abundance of it around you, you just need to open your eyes..
HUGS!!
Now is the time to put yourself in hands of God/HP.... and don't say you don't have a support system.. you have us..you have nature.. you have God/HP leading you by the hand... you will soon have a new day... can you imagine? a new day in this wonderful planet... your days are finite here you know.. and you have a brand new chance to decide who you are...neither the past or others define you... ONLY YOU DO...right now... you are becoming more truthful to yourself, to share more of what you are, with us and all the others around you... your gifts, qualities and talents... you are growing.
Small steps, don't look at the whole picture, just do "the next right thing"... for me that meant BREATHE!!
Its almost been a year of No Contact for me, and it DOES GET EASIER.. today I started to finally FEEL LIKE MY OWN OLD SELF AGAIN!! I almost cried of joy!! Laughing out loud... and starting to like my current life... remembering excellent friends and times in my life that have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO with this diseased person that does not know how to treat a good friend and lady like me! My error was to believe in him more than myself and what I know in my heart is true.
And all the pain before.. has been worth the great gifts given to me... and it will happen to you too... it is like dying and coming back to life with renewed eyes... everything starts making sense, everything feels better, everything looks better... you start to truly feel ALIVE and IMPORTANT and IN CHARGE of your life and with a better "picker" of the people in your life...
Be patient and good to yourself ok? you are just a human and going through a lot. Keep up remembering the bad stuff... even if painful, keep remembering ALL THOSE TIMES where you could have had a good time and you were crying, upset or/and angry... that enough makes me very angry, to know my move to a great city and great job were HORRIBLE when they should have been exciting!!
But I get mourning comes in waves so...
I have remembered funny memories, and starting to be grateful for them... but I also know the monster that hides within... and NO GOOD TIMES are worth any single instance of verbal abuse or cruelty...
It takes time and effort to "fine tune" those feelings... remember the good with a smile and the bad as a lesson learned... but you will get there... believe me if I am getting there you can, too!!
I am rambling... but you are not alone.. many have walked that path and look at them, their sense of peace and joy is extraordinary... you are on that path too!! there is light at the end of the tunnel, there truly is, and when you find you have been loved dearly all this time... trusting God/HP/your destiny.. feeling in your heart you are being protected from worse harm and taken to a better place... that is priceless !
As long as there is hope nothing is lost...
Love is not what you want to feel... love is what you feel without even wanting/pursuing it... you just need to make some space for it to come out again... it was, it is and it will always be in your heart. No one ever can take real love away from you... there is an abundance of it around you, you just need to open your eyes..
HUGS!!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
