transformyself

I'm separated from my AH, mainly because of his affair from last year, his abuse when he's drinking and his inability to be honest with me. He also blameshifts and doesnt' take responsibility for the damage he's done in our marriage.

We've been sleeping together, blurry lines of boundaries for sure.

Last night he babysat at my new house while I taught at a conference. He's been acting aggressive towards me, like he used to do when he was planning to go see his mistress. He slept here, with the kids, and this mornign I checked his phone. Of course, he's been talking to her after lying to me about it. Why did I believe him? I just want the freaking truth.

So I called her from his phone. We were civil. She said she was going to meet him,in public to see what he wanted. He dumped her last fall after begging me to come home and I let him like a fool.

Here's the part that confuses me:

He came outside while I was talking to her. I told him what I was doing and finished my conversation with her. Then he wanted to know why I went through his phone. We talked, I stayed calm because in the past I"ve totally freaked out. But hell, we're seperating. It is his business, but I wanted him to tell me if he was talking to her because then I'm NOT going to sleep wth him or be friendly.

What's wrong wth me? Why can't I just disconnect from this man? I keep feeling like I"ve done somethng wrong. If only I wouldn't overrreact, he would be honest, that's what he tells me.

Now I'm heartbroken. Again. Sucked back into this madness wtih him. Crap.

Freedom1990

The last thing to go for me in my last marriage was the sex.

I refused to look at the pain I continued to bring myself.

The sex was a temporary fix, a temporary 'feel-good' that inevitably left me feeling like a worse piece of crap than the time before.

Today I know I deserve better. My body is my temple to take care of and cherish.

Happiness is an inside job, and when I finally learned that and quit looking for the feel-goods outside of me, I really made progress in my life.

transformyself

Thanks Freedom. I know all of these things and have practiced them in the past. I'm wondering though, my AH has this deep fear of my anger. And when we first reconciled, he was honest with me about his interactions with this other woman. As my reactions grew stronger, he went underground with his feelings and hid them from me so they festered.

Instead of going into marriage counceling like we should have immediatly, we tried to fix this marriage ourselves. We were close. We talked more honestly than ever before. But for the last six months, he's been building resentment and I have too.

After our talk today we both feel close to each other again becauese of the renewed honesty. I know I can't change him, but I do wish he were stronger. Me too.

Freedom1990

We don't change what we do until we hurt enough, just as the same applies to the alcoholic.

Marriage counseling when a spouse is still actively drinking/using is futile, in my personal opinion.

It's like trying to put out a forest fire with a garden hose.

I truly pray that you come to a point in your life where you do value yourself.

:ghug2

Chrysalis123

I have an intense dislike/ fear of people being angry at me too. However, even with the threat of someone being angry with me did I have an affair and cheat on my spouse, abuse alcohol or drugs, abuse others, lie, steal or blameshift.

I'm sure you have felt angry at him as well. How did you handle your anger?

ItsmeAlice

Transform,
I just have to ask...what on earth are you doing?? Why are you putting yourself through this?? What does this relationship offer you that supercedes your own moral code of ethics and self worth??

You are right in the thick of the roller coaster...again?

He had a mistress and treated you like s**t so you separated for your own health and sanity. He wants you back and dumps the mistress and you let him back in. He's back to calling the mistress and treating you poorly so you decide the answer is to invade his personal space and take his phone and call his mistress. Are you kidding?

Maybe the two you can become friends and learn to share this class act. Just a thought.

Now you feel you are reach a new height of honesty in your relationship. It sounds more like the two of you are just confessing your sins slowly over time to one another.

This dynamic, since you asked, is called a codependent/addict relationship. It is a perpetual phenomenon that feeds upon itself. One side feeds on the other and will continue to do so until either party seeks true recovery.

He's not honest with because it does not serves his needs. Maybe you overreact, but that is subjective and certainly he is not the one to judge if you are.

Why don't you start looking at your addiction to him as it's actually something you can change.

My best,

Alice

rainbow123

I often found that the "snooping" will make you crazy. You see, that alone shows you something is wrong, terribly wrong. You have a need to snoop, you found something, you felt bad. you snoop and don't find anything, you still feel bad and more, it doesn't bring you relief because you only think "maybe he's erasing things". It'll drive you crazy.

Bottom line really is this, he was doing things that made you feel undervalued. That's all you need to know. The reason as to why he's doing it doesn't really matter, does it?

just my two cents and it's given in the midst of my own stuff....LOL, easier to dish out then it is to apply but i am trying.

transformyself

Thanks for your kind words Rainbow.
I had a long walk and think I"m snapping out of it. Oh I know something's wrong all right. My job is going to be figuring out why I"m so damaged that I stayed with someone who treated me this way for so long. and go back for more. Relapse I guess. I ordered a book folks have been recommending to me. It'll be here on Tuesday and I can start digging that awfuls stuff out. I know how to fix myself. I know how to work through this stuff. My post above was the lowest I've been in a long while, but I recognize it now as just a trigger. Abandonment, all kinds of ancient stuff.

i'm glad I called her. I'm glad I know the truth. I was able to say some things to her that needed to be said as well.

I"m happiest when I"m utterly focused on my own life and peaceful towards him. That means Bikram Yoga at least 3, ideally 4 times a week. That's where the magic starts for me. Getting there is tricky but I went Wednesday and Thursday.

I felt GREAT when I first moved out. Elated, actually. But I got sucked back in. Back to detaching. Detach detach. Back to working on building a life I love that doesn't include him.

Chrysilas-
Well, I threw all of his stuff on the front lawn and called the police screaming when I found out he'd brought another woman into my house while I was gone with the kids. She stayed in my house! I freaked right out.

This is such an old pattern for us. It's stupid. He's always paid more attention to other women, it's why I chased after him for so many years. Unresolved childhood crap.

I'm digging it out. You watch.

transformyself

I spent the day sorting stuff out; my trigger earlier was just an ACOA abandonment thing. It really has so little to do with him.

He, however, has got to go. I talked to him by phone tonight, briefly. It was calm and I felt good. We're sharing a car until Tuesday so unless we' need to discuss the kids, childcare, finances or the car there will be no contact.

I know how to do this. It makes me feel better to let go and stop trying to convince myself he will change.

Cath1029

I totally understand. I am also separated from AH, but continued to have sex with him on a regular basis. Then I would feel terrible and depressed the next day because my other needs weren't being met. Like I didn't deserve the whole package, even though he was incapable of giving it to me and always has been.

Some people don't understand how it is to ache for a few kind words and to be wanted, even if just for sex. But it's meaningless and unfulfilling without anything behind it. I hope someday loving myself will be enough.