HELP! I need a swift kick.....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 409
HELP! I need a swift kick.....
So......someone I had a pretty big crush on years ago has been e-mailing me for the past year or so.
He claims to want to start a relationship with me. He is now sober and doing quite well with that....BUT..........I need to remind myself that sobriety alone does not change his personality.
Basically he is a narcisstic person who holds a pretty low opinion of women in general and has a wall a mile high and has agressive tendencies which include a proclivity towards S&M behavior.
None of this seems too loving and caring to me.
I need a reminder that this type of man I can do without and I would be very stupid to take him up on his offer.
Am feeling alone and vulnerable, please someone give me a swift kick in the you-know-what,
before I end up making a mistake that I will most definately come to regret!
He claims to want to start a relationship with me. He is now sober and doing quite well with that....BUT..........I need to remind myself that sobriety alone does not change his personality.
Basically he is a narcisstic person who holds a pretty low opinion of women in general and has a wall a mile high and has agressive tendencies which include a proclivity towards S&M behavior.
None of this seems too loving and caring to me.
I need a reminder that this type of man I can do without and I would be very stupid to take him up on his offer.
Am feeling alone and vulnerable, please someone give me a swift kick in the you-know-what,
before I end up making a mistake that I will most definately come to regret!
aka Glenna :)
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
I hear you. I feel vulnerable and alone right now as well, but we both deserve healthy relationships, friends or otherwise. I love my husband, but he is not good for me mentally, physically or spiritually, and I have to keep remembering that. When people show you who they are...believe them!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
RUN dear
Sometimes we face "tests" to see if we have really learned our lesson! This is definitely a test!
Also know that if you are busy thinking or considering someone that is not good for you, A GOOD ONE may already be lingering around but can't approach you because that space is already taken in your mind!
RUN FAST
Sometimes we face "tests" to see if we have really learned our lesson! This is definitely a test!
Also know that if you are busy thinking or considering someone that is not good for you, A GOOD ONE may already be lingering around but can't approach you because that space is already taken in your mind!
RUN FAST
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 409
Yeah, I need to stay strong here. Basically I am gearing up for a move back to the states from Europe and am sorely tempted to take him up on his offer to stay with him, so as not to have to stay with my grown daughter or .(ahh!) my mother (God love her!).
That would be wrong, wrong, wrong...but I have to admit it, I AM tempted.
That would be wrong, wrong, wrong...but I have to admit it, I AM tempted.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Do not flunk this test. Tell him to cease emailing you, that you are going to "care for penguins in Antarctica for 18 months, or will be living with headhunters in deepest Amazon and will be uncontactable in future. Anything far away from him will do.
Who in their right mind wants to be involved with a narcistic, sadist/masochist who has a down on women and lives behind walls, sober or not?
YIPES!!! One firm kick coming your way as you requested.
God bless
Who in their right mind wants to be involved with a narcistic, sadist/masochist who has a down on women and lives behind walls, sober or not?
YIPES!!! One firm kick coming your way as you requested.
God bless
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Can't you stay at a hostel or hotel? I know there are some cheaper options what with the economy and less people traveling... anyway staying with your family is much a better option !!
Trust everything you know he has DONE, not his words, words are meaningless for them remember they are master manipulators... not worth trying to "see" "if he has changed"
Here goes mine
Trust everything you know he has DONE, not his words, words are meaningless for them remember they are master manipulators... not worth trying to "see" "if he has changed"
Here goes mine
I grew my wings to fly...
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: STATE OF CONTENTMENT
Posts: 289
Thank you.. thank you...
[QUOTE=TakingCharge999;2371562]Trust everything you know he has DONE, not his words, words are meaningless for them remember they are master manipulators... not worth trying to "see" "if he has changed" QUOTE]
I for one REALLY need to be reminded of this daily!!!.. my x continues to try and put the emotional squeeze on me continually. Manipulator is an understatement!.
I for one REALLY need to be reminded of this daily!!!.. my x continues to try and put the emotional squeeze on me continually. Manipulator is an understatement!.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 409
True. Thanks everyone. Got an e-mail today. He got his laptop back and wants me to Skype him.....
He was offering tio pick me up a O hare instead of my having to take a bus or train to my city.........
I am NOT Skyping!
He was offering tio pick me up a O hare instead of my having to take a bus or train to my city.........
I am NOT Skyping!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 409
Originally Posted by Jadmack25 
Do not flunk this test. Tell him to cease emailing you, that you are going to "care for penguins in Antarctica for 18 months, or will be living with headhunters in deepest Amazon and will be uncontactable in future. Anything far away from him will do.
Who in their right mind wants to be involved with a narcistic, sadist/masochist who has a down on women and lives behind walls, sober or not?
YIPES!!! One firm kick coming your way as you requested.
God bless
Who in their right mind wants to be involved with a narcistic, sadist/masochist who has a down on women and lives behind walls, sober or not?
YIPES!!! One firm kick coming your way as you requested.
God bless
You are so right!
Now, I am beginning to worry about ...well.....me.
No one in their right mind would even consider that. Why was I even rolling the idea around in my head? I scare myself. Have I really learned so little over the years that I somehow need to keep repeating abusive relationship patterns?
What is wrong with me? Intellectually I know better a hundred times over.....so??????
:wtf2
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 68
When I first started hanging out with Robert, I knew he'd done his share of drinking in the past. I'm a non-drinker & detested being around people who thought they had to have a drink to have a good time. Nonetheless, I also knew that people did things in their 20's that they did not do in their 30's and 40's. I had no idea that Robert's drinking was a real addiction until AFTER I was totally involved with him. He was depressed & it would have been very hard for me to have walked away from him. At one point, I thought he was suicidal. I did a lot to help him and he was better for a while but then the drinking got worse and then he became an angry, verbally abusive drunk (total opposite of the sad, depressed guy he was in the beginning). If I had seen the abusive side of him sooner, I doubt that I would have hung around as long as I did.
He went to a detox clinic for a few days, which was not long enough to make a real difference. He was supposed to go to AA when he got home. Of course, he did not go & started drinking about a week after he got out of detox. It was not the fact that he was an alcoholic that was the deal-breaker for me; it was the fact that he REFUSED TO GET HELP for his addiction & continued to drink knowing it caused people to not want to be around him, caused him to be nasty and argumentative and also made a fool of himself MANY times.
I think if I could have seen the future with this man much earlier, I would not have stayed in it so long. But, part of my weakness was that I'd had no one even remotely interested in dating me for a long time. I had had bad experiences with online dating and was pretty shell-shocked by the self-absorbed and immature behavior I found with men who were single and remotely in my age group. I was lonely. I saw that Robert did have a lot of good qualities but ONLY when he was sober which sadly turned out to be seldom in the last months I was actively seeing him.
He proved himself to be a loose cannon, someone I could NOT count on, and someone so self-absorbed that it was like I was alone in the relationship for most of the 2 years that we dated. We spent weeks and sometimes months apart in between when his behavior got bad and then I always forgave him when he'd call and say things would be different. His apologies meant nothing and his word meant nothing. I have ZERO respect for this man now and that has been a lot of the reason why I won't answer the phone late at night anymore. He has only called a couple times in recent weeks and I think he might have figured out that I'm done with him. He has no one to blame but himself and sadly, I'm sorry I got involved with him to begin with. I hope my story can help you in some way.
He went to a detox clinic for a few days, which was not long enough to make a real difference. He was supposed to go to AA when he got home. Of course, he did not go & started drinking about a week after he got out of detox. It was not the fact that he was an alcoholic that was the deal-breaker for me; it was the fact that he REFUSED TO GET HELP for his addiction & continued to drink knowing it caused people to not want to be around him, caused him to be nasty and argumentative and also made a fool of himself MANY times.
I think if I could have seen the future with this man much earlier, I would not have stayed in it so long. But, part of my weakness was that I'd had no one even remotely interested in dating me for a long time. I had had bad experiences with online dating and was pretty shell-shocked by the self-absorbed and immature behavior I found with men who were single and remotely in my age group. I was lonely. I saw that Robert did have a lot of good qualities but ONLY when he was sober which sadly turned out to be seldom in the last months I was actively seeing him.
He proved himself to be a loose cannon, someone I could NOT count on, and someone so self-absorbed that it was like I was alone in the relationship for most of the 2 years that we dated. We spent weeks and sometimes months apart in between when his behavior got bad and then I always forgave him when he'd call and say things would be different. His apologies meant nothing and his word meant nothing. I have ZERO respect for this man now and that has been a lot of the reason why I won't answer the phone late at night anymore. He has only called a couple times in recent weeks and I think he might have figured out that I'm done with him. He has no one to blame but himself and sadly, I'm sorry I got involved with him to begin with. I hope my story can help you in some way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Look on the bright side honey. You could have said YES to his offer, but you didn't.
You came on here because, your inner self KNEW something about him and his "friendly" offer, ponged.
Cut all contact with him, and rely on your gut feelings again in situations that arise, because if it feels "funny" and your gut rings alarm bells for you, you can be sure that there is a very good reason.
Listen to your inner voice, it worked this time, and you heard what it said.
Well done.
God bless
You came on here because, your inner self KNEW something about him and his "friendly" offer, ponged.
Cut all contact with him, and rely on your gut feelings again in situations that arise, because if it feels "funny" and your gut rings alarm bells for you, you can be sure that there is a very good reason.
Listen to your inner voice, it worked this time, and you heard what it said.
Well done.
God bless
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