internal struggle...
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
internal struggle...
My husband called AGAIN and left a message because I didn't answer asking, "when exactly I'd feel 'safe' so he could come home." I haven't returned his call. I'm not going to.
with that said, I'm sure he'll fit the question in at some point soon again. I have no problem being as honest as I can be and the answer truly is, "I have no idea." Of course, when he uses the word "safe" with me, he is sarcastic because afterall, I fake not feeling safe.
I already know what will come next. I know because over the course of the past year, it's happened several times when I have tried to leave.
He brings up the baby...this is where it gets difficult not to feel the guilt. Our baby has a life limiting condition....although I am not married to the idea of what this limitation brings, nobody has a crystal ball and can actually tell me how long he will be here with us....I realize it's a possibility that his life may be severally limited (doctors say 2-4 years).
I know he loves the baby...who wouldn't? I love him too. I wouldn't want to spend a single day away from the baby either. However, I am not the one scaring people with their safety.
I have always attrubited his violence to the drinking. I'm realizing that even though he has never gotten physicall violent sober....when he is sober, he still doesn't 'see' me . His feelings matter, mine don't....his thoughts are important, mine aren't unless they match his....it's him, him him him. My goodness, I've never heard that man say, "I am so sorry for the terrible things I said, are you ok?" or if I try to tell him why I am hurting, why this is difficult, he doesn't even offer a caring ear....he can't.
In the meantime, when he involves the "baby" card and his life limitation....when his family and friends say the same things because they too, believe when he's sober he's perfect, it is such a hard thing to take.
Not sure what I am looking for or asking. It's a difficult thing to deal with on it's own much less in this way. I've have made it clear to people to the best of my ability that I am so tired of hearing about my son's death....what about his life? he's here, he's alive and thriving at this time. It isn't fair for anyone to bring that subject up to me,I am his mother!!!
with that said, I'm sure he'll fit the question in at some point soon again. I have no problem being as honest as I can be and the answer truly is, "I have no idea." Of course, when he uses the word "safe" with me, he is sarcastic because afterall, I fake not feeling safe.
I already know what will come next. I know because over the course of the past year, it's happened several times when I have tried to leave.
He brings up the baby...this is where it gets difficult not to feel the guilt. Our baby has a life limiting condition....although I am not married to the idea of what this limitation brings, nobody has a crystal ball and can actually tell me how long he will be here with us....I realize it's a possibility that his life may be severally limited (doctors say 2-4 years).
I know he loves the baby...who wouldn't? I love him too. I wouldn't want to spend a single day away from the baby either. However, I am not the one scaring people with their safety.
I have always attrubited his violence to the drinking. I'm realizing that even though he has never gotten physicall violent sober....when he is sober, he still doesn't 'see' me . His feelings matter, mine don't....his thoughts are important, mine aren't unless they match his....it's him, him him him. My goodness, I've never heard that man say, "I am so sorry for the terrible things I said, are you ok?" or if I try to tell him why I am hurting, why this is difficult, he doesn't even offer a caring ear....he can't.
In the meantime, when he involves the "baby" card and his life limitation....when his family and friends say the same things because they too, believe when he's sober he's perfect, it is such a hard thing to take.
Not sure what I am looking for or asking. It's a difficult thing to deal with on it's own much less in this way. I've have made it clear to people to the best of my ability that I am so tired of hearing about my son's death....what about his life? he's here, he's alive and thriving at this time. It isn't fair for anyone to bring that subject up to me,I am his mother!!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Well rainbow, if you separate for a while that does not mean he won't be able to see him again. Precisely because his life is so precious he deserves good days full of joy and a Mom that is happy and able to be there emotionally for him.
Regardless of the age, kids pick up the vibes in the room, and absorb the tension of an environment..that is not healthy for anyone...
I am sorry this man uses his child to control you. Believe me if you did not have a kid, he would be using anything else just to keep you where you are...
I have never been married or had children so take this with a grain of salt...
Regardless of the age, kids pick up the vibes in the room, and absorb the tension of an environment..that is not healthy for anyone...
I am sorry this man uses his child to control you. Believe me if you did not have a kid, he would be using anything else just to keep you where you are...
I have never been married or had children so take this with a grain of salt...
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by rainbow123 
My husband called AGAIN and left a message because I didn't answer asking, "when exactly I'd feel 'safe' so he could come home." I haven't returned his call. I'm not going to.
with that said, I'm sure he'll fit the question in at some point soon again. I have no problem being as honest as I can be and the answer truly is, "I have no idea." Of course, when he uses the word "safe" with me, he is sarcastic because afterall, I fake not feeling safe.
I already know what will come next. I know because over the course of the past year, it's happened several times when I have tried to leave.
He brings up the baby...this is where it gets difficult not to feel the guilt. Our baby has a life limiting condition....although I am not married to the idea of what this limitation brings, nobody has a crystal ball and can actually tell me how long he will be here with us....I realize it's a possibility that his life may be severally limited (doctors say 2-4 years).
This is his way of keeping you hooked because he knows you fall for it everytime hook, line and sinker.
I know he loves the baby...who wouldn't? I love him too. I wouldn't want to spend a single day away from the baby either. However, I am not the one scaring people with their safety.
By him using, around the baby or not, he is away from the baby. Just because his physical body is around you and and the baby doesn't mean he's really there emotionally and spirtually for the both of you. i think that is evident though, you have already mentioned in other posts that he's not given you what you needed out of this marriage.
I have always attrubited his violence to the drinking. I'm realizing that even though he has never gotten physicall violent sober....when he is sober, he still doesn't 'see' me . His feelings matter, mine don't....his thoughts are important, mine aren't unless they match his....it's him, him him him. My goodness, I've never heard that man say, "I am so sorry for the terrible things I said, are you ok?" or if I try to tell him why I am hurting, why this is difficult, he doesn't even offer a caring ear....he can't.
Exactly. He's an addict who is not willing to get help for his addictive behaviors. He is comfortable where he is at. As long as he has a home to come back to, he will never appreciate it. Again, what needs of yours are being met by letting him return to the house with nothing unchanged?
In the meantime, when he involves the "baby" card and his life limitation....when his family and friends say the same things because they too, believe when he's sober he's perfect, it is such a hard thing to take.
The baby card is all it is.... A CARD... to manipulate you and the rest of the family. Let me translate in addict terms, "I care about the baby and us." "Can't you see I'm trying." "I stay because I love the baby." Your heart melts and then you take him back in what happens? NOTHING. Nothing changes. His family has no bearing on YOUR relationship with him. You have to live with him day in and day out. Don't let them feed BS in your ear on if your decision to kick him out is right or wrong.
Not sure what I am looking for or asking. It's a difficult thing to deal with on it's own much less in this way. I've have made it clear to people to the best of my ability that I am so tired of hearing about my son's death....what about his life? he's here, he's alive and thriving at this time. It isn't fair for anyone to bring that subject up to me,I am his mother!!!
with that said, I'm sure he'll fit the question in at some point soon again. I have no problem being as honest as I can be and the answer truly is, "I have no idea." Of course, when he uses the word "safe" with me, he is sarcastic because afterall, I fake not feeling safe.
I already know what will come next. I know because over the course of the past year, it's happened several times when I have tried to leave.
He brings up the baby...this is where it gets difficult not to feel the guilt. Our baby has a life limiting condition....although I am not married to the idea of what this limitation brings, nobody has a crystal ball and can actually tell me how long he will be here with us....I realize it's a possibility that his life may be severally limited (doctors say 2-4 years).
This is his way of keeping you hooked because he knows you fall for it everytime hook, line and sinker.
I know he loves the baby...who wouldn't? I love him too. I wouldn't want to spend a single day away from the baby either. However, I am not the one scaring people with their safety.
By him using, around the baby or not, he is away from the baby. Just because his physical body is around you and and the baby doesn't mean he's really there emotionally and spirtually for the both of you. i think that is evident though, you have already mentioned in other posts that he's not given you what you needed out of this marriage.
I have always attrubited his violence to the drinking. I'm realizing that even though he has never gotten physicall violent sober....when he is sober, he still doesn't 'see' me . His feelings matter, mine don't....his thoughts are important, mine aren't unless they match his....it's him, him him him. My goodness, I've never heard that man say, "I am so sorry for the terrible things I said, are you ok?" or if I try to tell him why I am hurting, why this is difficult, he doesn't even offer a caring ear....he can't.
Exactly. He's an addict who is not willing to get help for his addictive behaviors. He is comfortable where he is at. As long as he has a home to come back to, he will never appreciate it. Again, what needs of yours are being met by letting him return to the house with nothing unchanged?
In the meantime, when he involves the "baby" card and his life limitation....when his family and friends say the same things because they too, believe when he's sober he's perfect, it is such a hard thing to take.
The baby card is all it is.... A CARD... to manipulate you and the rest of the family. Let me translate in addict terms, "I care about the baby and us." "Can't you see I'm trying." "I stay because I love the baby." Your heart melts and then you take him back in what happens? NOTHING. Nothing changes. His family has no bearing on YOUR relationship with him. You have to live with him day in and day out. Don't let them feed BS in your ear on if your decision to kick him out is right or wrong.
Not sure what I am looking for or asking. It's a difficult thing to deal with on it's own much less in this way. I've have made it clear to people to the best of my ability that I am so tired of hearing about my son's death....what about his life? he's here, he's alive and thriving at this time. It isn't fair for anyone to bring that subject up to me,I am his mother!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
my son and the baby are the same person....he is alive and with me. we have two children together. our daughter is 4 and our son (the baby) is 14 months who has a very rare genetic condition. sorry for the confusion.
Yes, the family has actually said, "if something happens and ah wasn't there, imagine how hard that would be for him....what if you were in those shoes, etc." I've been told they think his drinking has gotten worse since the baby has been born because he's so heartbroken, blah blah blah.
It angers me. For so many reasons on so many levels. I adore the baby, he has taught me a lot and I would have a dozen more babies if I knew they'd be just like him. to hear excuses like, "his drinking has gotten worse because he hasn't dealt with the baby's condition" is an awful thing for anyone to say. Dealt with it? what is there to deal with? it's difficult to deal with loving your child? it's difficult to enjoy him? I don't get it and it's excuses, his drinking hasn't gotten worse and my ah hasn't ever described feelings they give him as excuses.
You're right, it is a card....I didn't look at it like that. I guess that part of my heart is easy prey for someone to pick on.
Yes, the family has actually said, "if something happens and ah wasn't there, imagine how hard that would be for him....what if you were in those shoes, etc." I've been told they think his drinking has gotten worse since the baby has been born because he's so heartbroken, blah blah blah.
It angers me. For so many reasons on so many levels. I adore the baby, he has taught me a lot and I would have a dozen more babies if I knew they'd be just like him. to hear excuses like, "his drinking has gotten worse because he hasn't dealt with the baby's condition" is an awful thing for anyone to say. Dealt with it? what is there to deal with? it's difficult to deal with loving your child? it's difficult to enjoy him? I don't get it and it's excuses, his drinking hasn't gotten worse and my ah hasn't ever described feelings they give him as excuses.
You're right, it is a card....I didn't look at it like that. I guess that part of my heart is easy prey for someone to pick on.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
rainbow, in your other post you mention things like breaking things, punching walls, pulling your hair, shoving you......do those things not qualify as physical violence?
In my book they do. And no matter whether it's related to his drinking or not, he still treats you like dirt, and your children will grow up modeling his (and your) behavior as they try to learn what kind of adults to become.
The baby is an important issue. But I don't see him doing much except paying lip service to loving him. He doesn't take care of his special needs, he doesn't stay sober, for chrissake he wakes the child up with his drunken tirades and he bullies the child's mother mercilessly. He even uses the baby as an excuse to drink more, making him even MORE unavailable for his son.
What part of this is good for you, your daughter, OR your son? At all?
Your son is better off with one loving, devoted, stable parent than with one real parent and an abusive, manipulative, bullying drunk.
My two cents, as an adult child of alcoholics: talk to an attorney and find out your rights.
In my book they do. And no matter whether it's related to his drinking or not, he still treats you like dirt, and your children will grow up modeling his (and your) behavior as they try to learn what kind of adults to become.
The baby is an important issue. But I don't see him doing much except paying lip service to loving him. He doesn't take care of his special needs, he doesn't stay sober, for chrissake he wakes the child up with his drunken tirades and he bullies the child's mother mercilessly. He even uses the baby as an excuse to drink more, making him even MORE unavailable for his son.
What part of this is good for you, your daughter, OR your son? At all?
Your son is better off with one loving, devoted, stable parent than with one real parent and an abusive, manipulative, bullying drunk.
My two cents, as an adult child of alcoholics: talk to an attorney and find out your rights.
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: AL
Posts: 34
thanks....yes, it is abusive and the truth is, it is just a card and you know what? he has told me that when I leave I am holding the kids over his head. Funny though, the one holding them over anyone's head is him.
He not only wakes the baby with his tirades, when I am then caring for the baby, he still gets in my face with him in my arms, tries to take him from me when he can't even stand. This is more terrible than I admitted to myself. Nobody should be scared. But a helpless baby should not for a second, cry out of fear from a loud, abusive drunk.
If I reread that paragraph at anytime of weakness, I can't imagine it won't snap me out of it QUICK.
I have an attorney, went in this week already. filing for temporary child support ASAP and this will really be where the ugly takes place. ah does not like anyone telling him how m uch money to give up.
I have always feared this fight. one day at a time, I can do this, I can do this.
he has alway sbullied me when it comes to the kids, "I will fight you to the end for custody" etc. Because I stay at home and he is very successful, I let that intimidate me.
He not only wakes the baby with his tirades, when I am then caring for the baby, he still gets in my face with him in my arms, tries to take him from me when he can't even stand. This is more terrible than I admitted to myself. Nobody should be scared. But a helpless baby should not for a second, cry out of fear from a loud, abusive drunk.
If I reread that paragraph at anytime of weakness, I can't imagine it won't snap me out of it QUICK.
I have an attorney, went in this week already. filing for temporary child support ASAP and this will really be where the ugly takes place. ah does not like anyone telling him how m uch money to give up.
I have always feared this fight. one day at a time, I can do this, I can do this.
he has alway sbullied me when it comes to the kids, "I will fight you to the end for custody" etc. Because I stay at home and he is very successful, I let that intimidate me.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
and the truth is, it is just a card and you know what? he has told me that when I leave I am holding the kids over his head. Funny though, the one holding them over anyone's head is him.
Write down these truths as they come to you. Put them where you can see them and let them sink in. I've had to do this. If I see it written on the wall or flash on my screen everytime I sit down at the keyboard, somehow it just makes it stick. I can't twist it around in my codie mind and forget it exists if it's right there staring me in the face.
Look into the eyes of your children and find your strength there. If your AH died tomorrow by a lightning bolt, you would move on as a single parent without hesitation. If you were the last three souls on this earth, you and your children would move on in life without the need for these not-so-well wishers in your lives. Please don't let anyone stop you from being the mother you want to be to your children. You can do this. Nay, I say, you will do this. I have faith in you, and so should you!!
Alice
Write down these truths as they come to you. Put them where you can see them and let them sink in. I've had to do this. If I see it written on the wall or flash on my screen everytime I sit down at the keyboard, somehow it just makes it stick. I can't twist it around in my codie mind and forget it exists if it's right there staring me in the face.
Look into the eyes of your children and find your strength there. If your AH died tomorrow by a lightning bolt, you would move on as a single parent without hesitation. If you were the last three souls on this earth, you and your children would move on in life without the need for these not-so-well wishers in your lives. Please don't let anyone stop you from being the mother you want to be to your children. You can do this. Nay, I say, you will do this. I have faith in you, and so should you!!
Alice
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
he has alway sbullied me when it comes to the kids, "I will fight you to the end for custody" etc.
Bullying exactly.
Again- as you did so well this morning- the custody battle actually wouldn't be between you two. There will a buffer of a lawyer and a judge betw. you and his lawyer. So there is no need, at all, to engage in negotiations about something that is not a reality right now!
So when he says that kind of bullying thing just say "OK."
Because in that moment it simply means nothing. You're going to fight me for custody? OK.
stay safe-
peace-
b
Bullying exactly.
Again- as you did so well this morning- the custody battle actually wouldn't be between you two. There will a buffer of a lawyer and a judge betw. you and his lawyer. So there is no need, at all, to engage in negotiations about something that is not a reality right now!
So when he says that kind of bullying thing just say "OK."
Because in that moment it simply means nothing. You're going to fight me for custody? OK.
stay safe-
peace-
b
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
rainbow, I can only imagine the pain and hurt you feel at the comments about your blessed child's possible death, and can I suggest you tell these manipulating people just what you said here? "what about his life? he's here, he's alive and thriving at this time".
As for your AH and his "love" for his children, well if abusing and bullying you, trying to grab your son from your arms and constantly waking him up, is your AH's idea of fatherly love and concern, the further you all arefrom him, the better.
I do so feel for you, especially as you have reason to expect things could get ugly from now on. Make that uglier, as they have been ugly enough already, otherwise you would not be taking the steps you are to protect yourself and your children.
Let him quack and threaten, "I will fight you to the end for custody". Document, film, collect evidence of his threats, bully boy tactics, anything you can use to prove he has been and is an active and violent, bully boy alcoholic and has not acted in the best interests of his own children. Use whatever methods you need to safeguard all of you from someone who should be the family protector, but instead is it's greatest danger.
God bless
As for your AH and his "love" for his children, well if abusing and bullying you, trying to grab your son from your arms and constantly waking him up, is your AH's idea of fatherly love and concern, the further you all arefrom him, the better.
I do so feel for you, especially as you have reason to expect things could get ugly from now on. Make that uglier, as they have been ugly enough already, otherwise you would not be taking the steps you are to protect yourself and your children.
Let him quack and threaten, "I will fight you to the end for custody". Document, film, collect evidence of his threats, bully boy tactics, anything you can use to prove he has been and is an active and violent, bully boy alcoholic and has not acted in the best interests of his own children. Use whatever methods you need to safeguard all of you from someone who should be the family protector, but instead is it's greatest danger.
God bless
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