rainbow123

I haven't been under the same roof with my husband for a week now. I've left before....always came back in a matter of weeks when he declares "I won't drink". I always attributed his violent outbursts to alcohol.

I'm now starting to realize that although he doesn't throw things around and use physical intimidation when he's sober, he still gets loud, manipulates every conversation, tries to control my thoughts, feelings and robs me of being my own person.

I'm realizing that I am at a point where being in the same home with him, drunk or sober, is not good for me.

Isn't emotional safety just as important as physical safety? If he came home next week I am confident he wouldn't lay a hand on me but he certainly would be just as damaging emotionally.

I need to talk about things, I need to sort things out in my head. He needs me to NOT do those things. He can't hear me right now and I can't shut up, LOL.

Wow, I have a long way to go but I'm realizing this tug of war is taking place for a very important reason. I'm ready for change, he is not. When you are starting to look for change, you talk out and sort through your thoughts. He isn't there yet even though he tries to convince me he is.....no wonder he can't stand to hear me share or try to communicate.

light bulb moment.

transformyself

Amen Sister! I left my AH on Sept 2 and my story is yours. Maybe we were married to the same guy?

Distance, honesty with myself and the courage to believe there's a better life out there will set me free, I believe.

My life has to be more interesting and compelling than trying to fix the unfixable.

rainbow123

hey, maybe we were married to the same guy....mine has been known to lie and at this point, nothing would shock me, LOL.

WantToHeal

You're 100% right it is. Often times, emotional trauma can be more challenging to bounce back from than physical trauma.

URMYEVERYTHING

Hi Rainbow,

Just one simple observation from your posts and that is your needs aren't being met right now. Here are some eye opening questions for ya....

What plans do you have in place to have your needs met?

Can this man meet your needs?

Can he even begin to respect your needs?

Does he care or have any regard in meeting your needs?

Has he meet any of your needs within the last year or so?

If the answers are no or negative then.....

What is keeping you in this emotional turmoil with a man who hasn't been able to meet your needs?

rainbow123

The answer is obviously No to most of those questions, if not all.

What keeps me? If I am honest I actually have an answer and I can't believe I am at a place where I admit it. When I am without him, I get anxious and am more pain....I guess because it's an unfamiliar pain where the pain of being with him is a known pain. when things get to this point and we get back together, things are so good for a bit (a day, a week , a month, never know anymore) that it feels better, a quick fix.....I see the cycle, I see my part in the cycle for myself. It's hard to believe it is the cycle of abuse. Although I know his behavior is abusive, I still struggle calling it that.

If someone told me half the stories I have lived, I would call it abuse. I live it and don't seem to want to call it abuse.

I imagine that would be because I have believed him saying it isn't abuse. Or I have bought into the idea that it is my fault....I made him mad, because I lied, he wouldn't get so mad if he didn't love me so much, etc. I've heard it all, my thinking is backwards.

I see this when I look at it, I don't feel it yet. Does that make sense?

I can say, "this is abusive." then I question, "but is it? he was angry about what I did...." i

URMYEVERYTHING

You have taken the first step in calling it abuse on your own without even realizing it. "I would call it abuse." The next step is saying, "I am being abused." Once you get there, the lightbulb will come on.

The pain you feel when he is away is called grieving. It's suppose to hurt. It's suppose to be hard. Even though you would like it to be easy, it's not going to be. It's never easy to lose someone (to addiction) and not grieve through the process. We all have gone through that stage on here. It's what you are willing to do to make sure you are protected during this whole process and even realize that you are a person who is capable of healing.

I'm not the one to say to leave anyone, however, if there is violence involved, I do.

The unfamiliar for you?? What is that?? Being Alone?? Starting over??

rainbow123

It has become unfamiliar to think on my own, to make my own decisions, to believe my reality, to care about myself first, to not worry about HIM, to not reach out to him. all of it, it's odd. I imagine this must be normal. I keep telling myself what I'm experiencing is normal.

I seem to have confused the missing him, the wanting to reach out, the thinking if we're just nice to each other it'll work, with love.....the pain I feel when I try to leave I seem to believe is because I love him and if I love him it wasn't that bad, maybe I am making a mountain out of a molehill.

Wow, I am backwards....I try to make molehills out of mountains.

My counselor told me I am brainwashed, that my brain has reprogrammed itself. Typing this out here and reading my words....I really am using backwards thinking.

GiveLove

Victims of abuse often have that common trait: their brains become rewired to accommodate the needs of their abusers, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that they are being treated miserably.

You are being treated miserably.

You deserve so much more.

Keep chipping away at your own healing, rainbow, one day at a time, and you will amaze yourself with what you can do.

brundle

I think we all become use to our situation and some how because our home life that is suppose to be 'safe' really isn't due to addiction and abuse it makes leaving that much harder.

I mean if it's this hard to live in your 'safe' spot; what is it going to be like out 'there'? We at the very least know what to expect where we are. I know that sounds crazy. But as I have to fight my demons taking steps to leave I have to be honest with what am I really afraid of 'out there'?

I know I don't want more of what I've had here. But I don't know what to expect out there. If I stay here it will be more of the same. Right now there isn't really a crisis going on so I would be leaving with out a real "reason". You know when things get really out of control.

Like you my AH says he is "working" on things which means nothing. Unless you count what he wants me to change about myself. He 'hears' nothing unless it's something he twists in his head to distort the truth.

I don't ever feel I bring on the abuse; but often I feel that I could be nicer, less cold, more forgiving. Then I feel guilty. I'll think: "This is what I could do better in our relationship".... but it's useless to do it because I end up feeling used and mad because he happily takes advantage and then doesn't do anything to help the relationship at all! I'm guessing you know how that is...

I hope all is peaceful and well with you; that is something I always wish for myself... Hugs...

jehnifer

Ugh! Rainbow 1-2-3. I can so identify with what you have shared here. I have experienced exactly the same feelings. It makes me so confused.


"I live it and don't seem to want to call it abuse..."
"Or I have bought into the idea that it is my fault....I made him mad, because I lied, he wouldn't get so mad if he didn't love me so much, etc. I've heard it all, my thinking is backwards."

I see this when I look at it, I don't feel it yet. Does that make sense?

I can say, "this is abusive." then I question, "but is it? he was angry about what I did...." i

Thanks for sharing - it has helped me. Now sistah...what are we gonna do differently? I mean, we can only change ourselves you know...

catlovermi

Love grows you and opens you up. It doesn't shrink you and close you down.

So if you're shrinking, or closing down, it isn't love.

It's pretty simple, really.

Hugs,

CLMI