The dawning of understanding
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
The dawning of understanding
Good morning all,
I was up most of the night reading the posts from everyone yesterday. WHAT WISDOM AND INSIGHT!!! And I hurt that ya'll have learned it thru EXPERIENCE! But I also have so much RESPECT and ADMIRATION that ya'll are working thru it and are willing to help others see and understand! THANK YOU!!!
Here is where I stand this morning....I took ANEWAUGUST's advice yesterday and had my hair cut and highlighted. I also picked out an outfit to wear to work rather than just jeans and a shirt. I am making an effort to care a little more about myself. I called the lawyers office and told them to go ahead with the divorce and file it today. I don't really want to, but I DO want to do what is right! I am trusting that I will learn thru what ya'll have already taught me and that my feelings will change on this.
He called from jail twice while I was getting my hair done. He got mad because I wasnt there waiting for him to call and I really couldnt talk. He called me later and said I was lucky I answered because he wasnt going to call back again. He then said that I sounded mad and for the first time I told him I was! I told him I had been trying to be there for him, but nobody was there for me. I told him I was mad that I was suffering the consequenses of HIS actions. He got ugly and asked me if that meant I was going to change my mind AGAIN about the divorce. I didn't answer. When I got home I began reading the posts from yesterday. The characteristics that he is showing are lining up perfectly whith what ya'll have been saying so I am going to believe ya'll further about the things he has not yet done too. I DO want to get myself healthy and I am going to start taking the steps to do that. I will be going to my first alanon meeting tonight and will go from there. Thank you again for all of your support!
I was up most of the night reading the posts from everyone yesterday. WHAT WISDOM AND INSIGHT!!! And I hurt that ya'll have learned it thru EXPERIENCE! But I also have so much RESPECT and ADMIRATION that ya'll are working thru it and are willing to help others see and understand! THANK YOU!!!
Here is where I stand this morning....I took ANEWAUGUST's advice yesterday and had my hair cut and highlighted. I also picked out an outfit to wear to work rather than just jeans and a shirt. I am making an effort to care a little more about myself. I called the lawyers office and told them to go ahead with the divorce and file it today. I don't really want to, but I DO want to do what is right! I am trusting that I will learn thru what ya'll have already taught me and that my feelings will change on this.
He called from jail twice while I was getting my hair done. He got mad because I wasnt there waiting for him to call and I really couldnt talk. He called me later and said I was lucky I answered because he wasnt going to call back again. He then said that I sounded mad and for the first time I told him I was! I told him I had been trying to be there for him, but nobody was there for me. I told him I was mad that I was suffering the consequenses of HIS actions. He got ugly and asked me if that meant I was going to change my mind AGAIN about the divorce. I didn't answer. When I got home I began reading the posts from yesterday. The characteristics that he is showing are lining up perfectly whith what ya'll have been saying so I am going to believe ya'll further about the things he has not yet done too. I DO want to get myself healthy and I am going to start taking the steps to do that. I will be going to my first alanon meeting tonight and will go from there. Thank you again for all of your support!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Originally Posted by innerpeace67 
Good morning all,
He called from jail twice while I was getting my hair done. He got mad because I wasnt there waiting for him to call and I really couldnt talk. He called me later and said I was lucky I answered because he wasnt going to call back again. He then said that I sounded mad and for the first time I told him I was! I told him I had been trying to be there for him, but nobody was there for me. I told him I was mad that I was suffering the consequenses of HIS actions. He got ugly and asked me if that meant I was going to change my mind AGAIN about the divorce.
He called from jail twice while I was getting my hair done. He got mad because I wasnt there waiting for him to call and I really couldnt talk. He called me later and said I was lucky I answered because he wasnt going to call back again. He then said that I sounded mad and for the first time I told him I was! I told him I had been trying to be there for him, but nobody was there for me. I told him I was mad that I was suffering the consequenses of HIS actions. He got ugly and asked me if that meant I was going to change my mind AGAIN about the divorce.
Abusers often respond in the opposite way an emotionally healthy person would. If someone says, "I feel angry because I feel unsupported." I healthy person might say, "Oh, I am so sorry you feel unsupported. What could I do for you?" Give you a big hug, etc....
Your guy gets mad at you....and redirects the issue back to his need of having you, his enabler, be at his beck and call.
I am so proud of you.....You go girl with the new hairdo and carefully picked out clothes!
What are you planning to do for yourself today that shows you love, cherish and value yourself?
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
I am supposed to do this every day? Oh Boy...ok lets see...I am going to attend my first alanon meeting...and keep reading "Codependent no more". Oh, and I started drinking slimfast this morning and had a slimfast bar for a snack.
I AM a little afraid of what will happen tonight when my husband finds out I DEFINATELY have filed for divorce.
I AM a little afraid of what will happen tonight when my husband finds out I DEFINATELY have filed for divorce.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
WONDERFUL POST!!!
I don't say this because you followed what everyone was saying blindly. I say this because you took the time to ponder your sitauation, your needs, your wants, and sought the answers as they applied to you and your life. You went out and did something for yourself to empower you and to remind you of your own self worth. BRAVO!!!
It took great strength and resolve to answer his call and not let his behavior sway you from the decision you worked so hard to make. That same courage will see you through his reaction to your filing for divorce. Use that courage to ensure your safety. Making a plan in the event he does lose control and tries to harm you over the divorce is a way to help allay some of the terror over it. Play that tape all the way through...if he does this, I will do that...if he tries to harm me, I will go here or there. Keep your plan hidden from him as that will also empower you.
Once you stand up for yourself and put yourself first, maintaining that resolve can be tiring. You are ensuring support by being here, going to a meeting tonite, and seeking therapy. These things are going to make it much easier along the way.
Here's to new beginnings!!!!
Alice
I don't say this because you followed what everyone was saying blindly. I say this because you took the time to ponder your sitauation, your needs, your wants, and sought the answers as they applied to you and your life. You went out and did something for yourself to empower you and to remind you of your own self worth. BRAVO!!!
It took great strength and resolve to answer his call and not let his behavior sway you from the decision you worked so hard to make. That same courage will see you through his reaction to your filing for divorce. Use that courage to ensure your safety. Making a plan in the event he does lose control and tries to harm you over the divorce is a way to help allay some of the terror over it. Play that tape all the way through...if he does this, I will do that...if he tries to harm me, I will go here or there. Keep your plan hidden from him as that will also empower you.
Once you stand up for yourself and put yourself first, maintaining that resolve can be tiring. You are ensuring support by being here, going to a meeting tonite, and seeking therapy. These things are going to make it much easier along the way.
Here's to new beginnings!!!!
Alice
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Yes, innerpeace, you are supposed to be kind and gentle with yourself every single day of your life. That's the rules. Each day, all of us should be finding some way of proving to ourselves that we are loved, cherished, and supported, and that we're grateful for these brief few decades we've been given to enjoy life.
Congratulations on taking your first step on this long, joyous journey. We're right there with you.
Congratulations on taking your first step on this long, joyous journey. We're right there with you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
INNERPEACE thanks for the inspiration today!! When I get earlier to dress up for work, put makeup etc I do a very good job as opposed to going out in a hurry....
The good thing for now is that any way he reacts he is LOCKED UP and he can't do anything, really... but what will happen when he gets out would you be able to obtain a restraining order or some protection for yourself? you never know and I prefer to prevent rather than lament.
You are doing very well
The good thing for now is that any way he reacts he is LOCKED UP and he can't do anything, really... but what will happen when he gets out would you be able to obtain a restraining order or some protection for yourself? you never know and I prefer to prevent rather than lament.
You are doing very well
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
If he follows his behavior from the past he will yell, cuss me out, hang up on me, not call for a few days to "punish" me, then begin calling to plead with me to change my mind. But you are absolutely right...He IS behind bars and can't do anything!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: The Sunny South
Posts: 1,666
((((Innerpeace))))
Good for you, taking care of yourself, and more importantly it sounds like you are believing in yourself. I bet you looked wonderful today!!
Your journey to reclaim yourself has begun...we will be right there with you, supporting you all the way!
I agree with the others, you might want to check with your lawyer about getting a restraining order. It certainly couldn't hurt anything.
I hope your weekend will be a good one!!
Peace
Good for you, taking care of yourself, and more importantly it sounds like you are believing in yourself. I bet you looked wonderful today!!
Your journey to reclaim yourself has begun...we will be right there with you, supporting you all the way!
I agree with the others, you might want to check with your lawyer about getting a restraining order. It certainly couldn't hurt anything.
I hope your weekend will be a good one!!
Peace
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Innerpeace,
I read your post yesterday and really felt for you, but you had such great experience, strength a hope from everyone who had been through similar situations. I just want to say to you, having read this post...
WOW!!!!!!!!
Good for YOU!! I'm cheering for you. Your hair sounds wonderful and you must have felt like a million bucks at work this morning!
Just want to send along my good wishes and doesn't it feel good to pay attention to yourself and do want you need to do for you? Yay!
I read your post yesterday and really felt for you, but you had such great experience, strength a hope from everyone who had been through similar situations. I just want to say to you, having read this post...
WOW!!!!!!!!
Good for YOU!! I'm cheering for you. Your hair sounds wonderful and you must have felt like a million bucks at work this morning!
Just want to send along my good wishes and doesn't it feel good to pay attention to yourself and do want you need to do for you? Yay!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Innerpeace,
His control over you has never been as threatened as it is now.
Do you have a plan in place in case he does get violent when he gets out of jail?
(Local people alerted that you can contact right away if a crisis happens, where to go, what to do, what things you may need, etc.)
Keep track of any threats he makes, and tell your attorney if they occur and what he said.
We care about your safety,
CLMI
His control over you has never been as threatened as it is now.
Do you have a plan in place in case he does get violent when he gets out of jail?
(Local people alerted that you can contact right away if a crisis happens, where to go, what to do, what things you may need, etc.)
Keep track of any threats he makes, and tell your attorney if they occur and what he said.
We care about your safety,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Posted this on your other thread.
Innerpeace, in my church (RC), marriage is a contract made between bride and groom and done so before God. The vows spoken are to each other. This marriage contract is made on the basis that you both know all about each other, are free to marry and are not being forced into it.
You didn't really know the man you married, as he was not honest and open with you from the beginning.
He really was not free to marry, as he was head over heels in love with his DOC.
Ask yourself this: Had I known he had a drinking problem, was abusive, controlling, angry, violent and offensive, would I have still married him?
If as I expect, you answer NO, then all you are doing by going for a divorce now, is setting your life straight again, and erasing a marriage that would not have taken place, had you been aware of his true character.
I am thankful you have only had to go thru this for such a short time, and are acting so quickly to get back your life. Some of us have hung on like grim death and damaged ourselves and our kids by doing so.
I agree that it would be a smart move to seek a restraining order, and get as much business out of the way whilst he is in jail. The thought of an unpleasant, controlling alcoholic being free and having had his wife set up for divorce, is a bit daunting.
Your hair sounds wonderful, and so do you.
Stay strong and have faith in yourself and your God.
God bless
Innerpeace, in my church (RC), marriage is a contract made between bride and groom and done so before God. The vows spoken are to each other. This marriage contract is made on the basis that you both know all about each other, are free to marry and are not being forced into it.
You didn't really know the man you married, as he was not honest and open with you from the beginning.
He really was not free to marry, as he was head over heels in love with his DOC.
Ask yourself this: Had I known he had a drinking problem, was abusive, controlling, angry, violent and offensive, would I have still married him?
If as I expect, you answer NO, then all you are doing by going for a divorce now, is setting your life straight again, and erasing a marriage that would not have taken place, had you been aware of his true character.
I am thankful you have only had to go thru this for such a short time, and are acting so quickly to get back your life. Some of us have hung on like grim death and damaged ourselves and our kids by doing so.
I agree that it would be a smart move to seek a restraining order, and get as much business out of the way whilst he is in jail. The thought of an unpleasant, controlling alcoholic being free and having had his wife set up for divorce, is a bit daunting.
Your hair sounds wonderful, and so do you.
Stay strong and have faith in yourself and your God.
God bless
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