How is it that
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
How is it that
How is it that over two years after my divorce from my alcoholic former husband was final, I found myself desperately looking online for someone to talk to about it, and wound up at SR?
Well... about 10 months ago, I had it up to here and then some with his girlfriend bulldozing her way into my daughter's life. She can have him; he lied about his marital status to her when they started dating, and she stayed with him when the truth came out. So, she now lives with a man who can't tell the truth to women he loves, and, high dominance person and rescuer that she is, she's having a good crack at trying to make him behave. No doubt most of you can guess exactly how well that's worked. As far as I'm concerned, they are perfectly matched... to make each other miserable. Hurrah. (Normally I'm not quite such a b***h, but I heard more tonight about their fighting in front of/with my daughter, and I could cheerfully heave them both overboard in the middle of the Atlantic right now.) (And on truthfulness: during our marriage and separation I wasn't sufficiently honest with myself or my husband either.)
Anyway, back to last November or so. It came to my attention that the girlfriend was regularly chatting with the school psychologist about her relationship with my daughter. The psych asked me if this was all right with me. I said no. I said she was welcome to have any discussions she wants, as long as my daughter's dad is present as well.
Now I did not intend for this to be a surprise, and I meant to tell them in advance about it, but I didn't get the chance. The next morning, my former husband called me, saying that his girlfriend had gone to the school, been informed of my decisions, and had called him and chewed him out.
I said sorry, but there are things that are parent jobs and things that aren't, and dealing with school administration is a Mommy and Daddy job, and [girlfriend's name here] was welcome to butt out. I wasn't going to change my mind, which was, and is, what Girlfriend wants.
That stupid phone call just totally undid me, and I'm not all right even now. I had been fine; I had made new friends, built a new life, gotten a boyfriend with whom things were going great, made some goals and was working towards them. (All these things are still true, BTW, except the "fine" part.) But he actually calmly talked to me like we were both human beings, which hadn't happened in a long time. I got to talk to the man I loved, there, for a little bit.
I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I hate that he allowed himself to p*** away everything good in his life in favor of his addictions, and that he is too damaged to treat himself (or me, or Girlfriend) with honesty and care. We could have had more children and a fabulous marriage. I loved him in that really good, intense, passionate way, even after we'd been married for 3 years. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to de-husband him in my heart; I don't think I want to anyway.
I can have a good life without him, I'm grateful for everything I have. My daughter is my favorite person in the world to spend time with, and my boyfriend is wise, gentle, talented, doesn't drink to speak of, and is a much stronger person than my former husband. He knows I still love my former husband, and he's not threatened by it. There are some things missing from our relationship, but what is there is very good. It doesn't fill the hole in my life with my former husband's name on it, but it's affectionate and supportive and free of bs.
That's all, I just want to complain in a safe place. I feel guilty enough about how much of my grief my boyfriend has had to witness. He never says so directly, but he thinks my ex and I are both acting like idiots, and he's right.
Thank you to everyone who takes the time to post here, you've helped me so much by sharing your experiences.
BG
Well... about 10 months ago, I had it up to here and then some with his girlfriend bulldozing her way into my daughter's life. She can have him; he lied about his marital status to her when they started dating, and she stayed with him when the truth came out. So, she now lives with a man who can't tell the truth to women he loves, and, high dominance person and rescuer that she is, she's having a good crack at trying to make him behave. No doubt most of you can guess exactly how well that's worked. As far as I'm concerned, they are perfectly matched... to make each other miserable. Hurrah. (Normally I'm not quite such a b***h, but I heard more tonight about their fighting in front of/with my daughter, and I could cheerfully heave them both overboard in the middle of the Atlantic right now.) (And on truthfulness: during our marriage and separation I wasn't sufficiently honest with myself or my husband either.)
Anyway, back to last November or so. It came to my attention that the girlfriend was regularly chatting with the school psychologist about her relationship with my daughter. The psych asked me if this was all right with me. I said no. I said she was welcome to have any discussions she wants, as long as my daughter's dad is present as well.
Now I did not intend for this to be a surprise, and I meant to tell them in advance about it, but I didn't get the chance. The next morning, my former husband called me, saying that his girlfriend had gone to the school, been informed of my decisions, and had called him and chewed him out.
I said sorry, but there are things that are parent jobs and things that aren't, and dealing with school administration is a Mommy and Daddy job, and [girlfriend's name here] was welcome to butt out. I wasn't going to change my mind, which was, and is, what Girlfriend wants.
That stupid phone call just totally undid me, and I'm not all right even now. I had been fine; I had made new friends, built a new life, gotten a boyfriend with whom things were going great, made some goals and was working towards them. (All these things are still true, BTW, except the "fine" part.) But he actually calmly talked to me like we were both human beings, which hadn't happened in a long time. I got to talk to the man I loved, there, for a little bit.
I MISS HIM SO MUCH. I hate that he allowed himself to p*** away everything good in his life in favor of his addictions, and that he is too damaged to treat himself (or me, or Girlfriend) with honesty and care. We could have had more children and a fabulous marriage. I loved him in that really good, intense, passionate way, even after we'd been married for 3 years. I'm not sure I'm ever going to be able to de-husband him in my heart; I don't think I want to anyway.
I can have a good life without him, I'm grateful for everything I have. My daughter is my favorite person in the world to spend time with, and my boyfriend is wise, gentle, talented, doesn't drink to speak of, and is a much stronger person than my former husband. He knows I still love my former husband, and he's not threatened by it. There are some things missing from our relationship, but what is there is very good. It doesn't fill the hole in my life with my former husband's name on it, but it's affectionate and supportive and free of bs.
That's all, I just want to complain in a safe place. I feel guilty enough about how much of my grief my boyfriend has had to witness. He never says so directly, but he thinks my ex and I are both acting like idiots, and he's right.
Thank you to everyone who takes the time to post here, you've helped me so much by sharing your experiences.
BG
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
I was remarried (with children) once and I would have wanted my children and my ex's new partner to get along. Of course I can't choose the person that would have influence over my childrens lives in that position, but I would want them to at least get along for my childrens sake. If that meant counseling including joint I would be all for that. I would want to make sure my motives are not sourced from resentment or ego driven. Your daughter might benefit from it and this would be a good thing... right? I'm not defending your ex or his GF, just thinking of your daughters best interests.
It strikes me that you might still have some resentment to let go of and it's holding you back, might even screw up a good thing you have with a patient man, who's patience has limits I'm guessing. Resentment doesn't hurt the person you resent, it hurts you.
It strikes me that you might still have some resentment to let go of and it's holding you back, might even screw up a good thing you have with a patient man, who's patience has limits I'm guessing. Resentment doesn't hurt the person you resent, it hurts you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Yeah what's the great saying about resentment - it's where you take the poison and wait for the other person to die!
I really feel your sadness about the lost possibility of happiness with your exAH Buffalo. It is to me the toughest thing to accept about alcoholism - the destruction of beautiful souls, the wasting of potential etc. It breaks my heart to see what my brothers have become. When I look back at us as kids - how free and smart and loving they were....
It all comes back to Acceptance.
I simply have to accept that this is the way life is! It sux. But it just is. And alcoholism and addiction take people we love down dark and destructive paths. That's the truth.
:-(
Be well-
b
I really feel your sadness about the lost possibility of happiness with your exAH Buffalo. It is to me the toughest thing to accept about alcoholism - the destruction of beautiful souls, the wasting of potential etc. It breaks my heart to see what my brothers have become. When I look back at us as kids - how free and smart and loving they were....
It all comes back to Acceptance.
I simply have to accept that this is the way life is! It sux. But it just is. And alcoholism and addiction take people we love down dark and destructive paths. That's the truth.
:-(
Be well-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
Hi Jazzman,
I'm afraid if I do get involved in their home life or suggest counseling my motives would be resentment oriented. I told him one time how much it distressed our daughter to watch their conflicts-- once is informing him, twice or twenty times will be trying to control him.
At one time I was willing to sit down with a counselor, the three of us adults, which Girlfriend wanted to do. But then my daughter reported the hostile things that Girlfriend was saying to her about her mom, and I thought, no, I don't owe this person that. (I verified the nastiness with my ex husband-- he did not defend the GF or deny the badmouthing. All together now: "We became irritable and unreasonable without knowing it...")
Oh, I still have a fair amount of resentment, I know. It's much better than it used to be though.
At the end of the day, although we care very much about each other, I know my boyfriend and I eventually will want different things out of relationships... and he does too. It's not a right and wrong thing, we just are not wired the same. So there is room for our baggage in a way that there might not be if we were in a long term committed relationship or married. He's said he would rather hear about what I'm feeling about my ex than for me to hide it.
Thanks for your response... be well.
I'm afraid if I do get involved in their home life or suggest counseling my motives would be resentment oriented. I told him one time how much it distressed our daughter to watch their conflicts-- once is informing him, twice or twenty times will be trying to control him.
At one time I was willing to sit down with a counselor, the three of us adults, which Girlfriend wanted to do. But then my daughter reported the hostile things that Girlfriend was saying to her about her mom, and I thought, no, I don't owe this person that. (I verified the nastiness with my ex husband-- he did not defend the GF or deny the badmouthing. All together now: "We became irritable and unreasonable without knowing it...")
Oh, I still have a fair amount of resentment, I know. It's much better than it used to be though.
At the end of the day, although we care very much about each other, I know my boyfriend and I eventually will want different things out of relationships... and he does too. It's not a right and wrong thing, we just are not wired the same. So there is room for our baggage in a way that there might not be if we were in a long term committed relationship or married. He's said he would rather hear about what I'm feeling about my ex than for me to hide it.
Thanks for your response... be well.
aka Glenna :)
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Jupiter, Florida
Posts: 280
Originally Posted by Bernadette 
Yeah what's the great saying about resentment - it's where you take the poison and wait for the other person to die!b
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
