A mess.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 32
A mess.
Hello....I have posted here once before, but it seems like I am just....trapped, and I just wanted to express how I am feeling and some things going on and see if anyone has any advice other than "dont talk to him". My boyfriend relapsed about a a month and a half ago, after about two years of sobriety. We "broke up" a few days before he relapsed because he lied to me, and I caught him. However we were still talking everyday about working things out, etc. He has been drinking since then and blames our break up on us "constantly fighting" and has informed me that he wasnt happy with me. We did argue, but it wasnt often, and when we were together he constantly told me how much he loved me, and about how excited he was for us to finally have the sober life together we have always wanted. Last weekend he called me, said he was done drinking and apologized for the past month and a half, and I forgave him and we got back together. Since then, I mentioned to him that I wanted to talk about things and maybe make some changes so we could have a happier, better relationship and life. He got angry and informed me he "wasnt doing this s*** anymore" and that if we couldnt just be together happily without effort, he wasnt doing it. We got into an argument yesterday because I was telling him a story, and he kept looking at the clock over and over. I asked him if he would please stop because I felt it was rude, and he became completely furious and informed me that I am a b**** and that is the reason he hasnt wanted to be with me for the past month and a half. He also threatened to smack me in the face, and told me he had to leave because he could barely restrain himself from punching me. He gets violent sometimes when he drinks alot, but he had never before threatened me or anything like that while sober, and I just cant believe that he said that to me. Now he is saying that he doesnt want to be with me because as much as he loves me he will not stay in this sick relationship full of arguing, and that he doesnt know what to do. I feel so angry that he is able to just cut off his emotions and tell me he is going to leave me, when I find trying to detach myself from him impossible... it makes me so mad that I have done everything to be with him and make our relationship work, and now he is the one leaving. For the past two years he has been so spiritual, caring, honest, and loving, and I really believed that things were finally going to work out. I just feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me, and I am trying so hard to let go. I have been doing ok enjoying my life without him, but I just feel like....the person I love has died. I feel like I have always thought his disease was the cause of our issues, but now that he is doing all these things while sober, I just feel crushed and betrayed. I dont understand what happened to the person I love, and I just wish all this would go away. I guess the fact that he is a dry drunk right now doesnt help anything, but I am just blown away that it seems like he has lost everything I loved about him, and become this mean person. Sorry if this is rambling....if anyone has any advice about how to deal with the way I am feeling or has been through something similar I would greatly appreciate hearing it. I know I need to stop talking to him, but I feel like I cant. I just want to have some....positive something to keep me going. thanks for listening.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
The positive message that I derive from your post is that you have given yourself freely and honestly and you have given this relationship every chance to blossom. You are not the mess here, he is. You are not the one being cruel here, he is. He reached out to you and told you yet again the words you wanted to hear and as soon as he felt like it, he threatened you, belittled you, disrespected you, and broke your heart. The silver lining is that is all he broke. The bright side is you remain strong enough to seek counsel in others who have walked this path and you do truly know what you need to do.
You are hurt and rightfully so, you do not deserve this kind of treatment. The last person that should ever suffer hurt by this man is certainly someone he at one time professed to love.
Please ask your heart what he has to do to prove to it that he is not worthy of your love. Would a beating suffice? Ask your heart how far does he have to go to prove to it that he cannot be trusted with your feelings. Would manipulation and infidelity do it?
Your head is telling you he is a dry drunk. Your head is telling you that letting go is the answer, and yet your heart is still crying for him and mourning the loss of him. Give your head the power to keep you safe and your heart time to mourn and love again.
He has broken your heart and he may for a time break your spirit. Please tell your heart for me that this is more than enough. Don't keep pursueing a relationship with this man. Don't let him take anymore from you. Don't let him break more than he already has. Please let your head prevail where your heart is not strong enough.
Please let go or you will continue to be dragged.
With love,
Alice
You are hurt and rightfully so, you do not deserve this kind of treatment. The last person that should ever suffer hurt by this man is certainly someone he at one time professed to love.
Please ask your heart what he has to do to prove to it that he is not worthy of your love. Would a beating suffice? Ask your heart how far does he have to go to prove to it that he cannot be trusted with your feelings. Would manipulation and infidelity do it?
Your head is telling you he is a dry drunk. Your head is telling you that letting go is the answer, and yet your heart is still crying for him and mourning the loss of him. Give your head the power to keep you safe and your heart time to mourn and love again.
He has broken your heart and he may for a time break your spirit. Please tell your heart for me that this is more than enough. Don't keep pursueing a relationship with this man. Don't let him take anymore from you. Don't let him break more than he already has. Please let your head prevail where your heart is not strong enough.
Please let go or you will continue to be dragged.
With love,
Alice
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Bebemay,
I'm sorry for your pain and feelings of abandonment.
He is not sober, sweetie, he is in full-blown addiction and he is behaving the way addicts behave when anything threatens their drinking or using. He will push away and blame those closest to him, he will make threats, he will abandon and in the abandoning, he will trick you into believing that YOU abandoned HIM.
What he is really doing is clearing the path to his next high.
Physical violence, drunk or sober, is a bottom line deal breaker for me, and I wish it were so for you. My guess is that he has isolated you so effectively that you can no longer protect yourself from his emotional and physical assaults. He has, with the power of his addiction, come to control you.
What are your circumstances? Can you get a counselor for yourself? Are you near any 12-step Al-Anon meetings?
Just know that the demon has him now and there is nothing you can do but try to stay out of the way.
You need some help, dear, repairing all the emotional and mental damage he has done to you. Please do love yourself enough to find it. You were not lovingly made by your Creator to be an addict's punching bag.
Bluejay
I'm sorry for your pain and feelings of abandonment.
He is not sober, sweetie, he is in full-blown addiction and he is behaving the way addicts behave when anything threatens their drinking or using. He will push away and blame those closest to him, he will make threats, he will abandon and in the abandoning, he will trick you into believing that YOU abandoned HIM.
What he is really doing is clearing the path to his next high.
Physical violence, drunk or sober, is a bottom line deal breaker for me, and I wish it were so for you. My guess is that he has isolated you so effectively that you can no longer protect yourself from his emotional and physical assaults. He has, with the power of his addiction, come to control you.
What are your circumstances? Can you get a counselor for yourself? Are you near any 12-step Al-Anon meetings?
Just know that the demon has him now and there is nothing you can do but try to stay out of the way.
You need some help, dear, repairing all the emotional and mental damage he has done to you. Please do love yourself enough to find it. You were not lovingly made by your Creator to be an addict's punching bag.
Bluejay
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
((((bebemay))))
Cyber hugs to you
It seems that his mistress is calling. Alcohol is his mistress. She is calling him and he is fighting against eveything in his way. He is fighting with sobriety.
It's his battle. Please remember you did not cause this addiction, you can not control it and you can't cure it.
I'm sorry you were the victim of his tongue lashing. I'm grateful that he did not physically hurt you!
Have you taken any steps to take care of yourself?
Cyber hugs to you
It seems that his mistress is calling. Alcohol is his mistress. She is calling him and he is fighting against eveything in his way. He is fighting with sobriety.
It's his battle. Please remember you did not cause this addiction, you can not control it and you can't cure it.
I'm sorry you were the victim of his tongue lashing. I'm grateful that he did not physically hurt you!
Have you taken any steps to take care of yourself?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I know how you are feeling.
It's one of those curious (horrible) facts about being enmeshed with an addict: we become as addicted to them as they are to their drug of choice.
If you read your words, you will see a lot of similarity between your own feelings and an addict's: I know I need to stop, but I feel like I can't.
So although he has threatened you, lied to you, turns the tables on you, doesn't respect you, and is obviously an incredibly emotionally immature person who wants a "nice easy relationship" that doesn't involve someone with legitimate feelings......YOU are the one saying, "Why did he leave?" (instead of "I'm glad it was him, because I wasn't strong enought to do the right thing.")
I know how this feels because I have been there too. The cravings are strong.
It took a combination of personal counseling, Al-Anon meetings, reading of things like Codependent No More, journaling, and lots of self-care to straighten out my mind. Going NO CONTACT was absolutely essential, but I had to work my way up to it, day by day, reducing the time I allowed myself to have any contact with 'him' until it was at zero.
Everyone responds to a different formula for healing, and there are no easy answers, but I hope you will start a personal campaign to extricate yourself from these damaging feelings. Step back and read the description you've given of this person. Is this the kind of man you dreamed about being with, when you were a little girl? Someone who threatens to punch you, who lies to you, who doesn't have any respect for what YOU need out of life?
Do you want him to be looking at the clock constantly when you are 70, and really need him to listen? You will have NO options then.
Sometimes the right thing to do isn't the easy thing.
Wishing you strength and courage to overcome YOUR addiction.
Hugs,
GL
It's one of those curious (horrible) facts about being enmeshed with an addict: we become as addicted to them as they are to their drug of choice.
If you read your words, you will see a lot of similarity between your own feelings and an addict's: I know I need to stop, but I feel like I can't.
So although he has threatened you, lied to you, turns the tables on you, doesn't respect you, and is obviously an incredibly emotionally immature person who wants a "nice easy relationship" that doesn't involve someone with legitimate feelings......YOU are the one saying, "Why did he leave?" (instead of "I'm glad it was him, because I wasn't strong enought to do the right thing.")
I know how this feels because I have been there too. The cravings are strong.
It took a combination of personal counseling, Al-Anon meetings, reading of things like Codependent No More, journaling, and lots of self-care to straighten out my mind. Going NO CONTACT was absolutely essential, but I had to work my way up to it, day by day, reducing the time I allowed myself to have any contact with 'him' until it was at zero.
Everyone responds to a different formula for healing, and there are no easy answers, but I hope you will start a personal campaign to extricate yourself from these damaging feelings. Step back and read the description you've given of this person. Is this the kind of man you dreamed about being with, when you were a little girl? Someone who threatens to punch you, who lies to you, who doesn't have any respect for what YOU need out of life?
Do you want him to be looking at the clock constantly when you are 70, and really need him to listen? You will have NO options then.
Sometimes the right thing to do isn't the easy thing.
Wishing you strength and courage to overcome YOUR addiction.
Hugs,
GL
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 32
Thank you all for your responses. I havent been to any al-anon meetings since he has been drinking again....there is one I could go to. I think I am going to go this week and order some books. I looked into seeing a counselor at my university and I guess I can get 6 sessions for $15 because I am a student, so I am also going to go do that. Everything that you all have said makes me feel like I have someone there who understands how I feel. I see what he is doing to me and I know I need to leave him, but it is SO HARD because I love him more than anything. I know that is my issue, I love him more than I love myself and I have to do something to fix it. GiveLove- Thanks for your advice on maybe cutting back from him slowly. I hadnt really considered that alternative and it seems like its impossible for me to give him up completely. I hope that maybe if I start working on myself eventually I will be able to say goodbye completely. To everyone else- all the things you have said lifted my spirits more than I can tell you, as much as it hurts to see the sad truth
It seems like everyone here just "gets it" and has their life together. How long was it before you all felt....ok? This is probably a stupid question because I know its different for everyone anyways, but how long was it before the pain stopped and you felt like you were alright again?
It seems like everyone here just "gets it" and has their life together. How long was it before you all felt....ok? This is probably a stupid question because I know its different for everyone anyways, but how long was it before the pain stopped and you felt like you were alright again?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Welcome!!!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
You asked the question about 'when the pain stops', you might find this useful, there is a lot of good reading posted in the 'stickies' at the top of this forum.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ain-stops.html
You asked the question about 'when the pain stops', you might find this useful, there is a lot of good reading posted in the 'stickies' at the top of this forum.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hmmm? Let's see...today was a good day, yesterday was long and required one crying jag and a nap to get through, I'll take tomorrow as it comes.
It's been 6 weeks since I last saw him. It's been...what...2 weeks since I last spoke to him. It's been two hours since someone asked if I knew how he was. It's been 10 minutes since I last thought about calling him and telling him what I really think of him.
On the other hand I journalled twice today about blessings I see in my life and things I am thankful for. I wrote about trying to live in the moment and appreciate what I have each day to wake up to. I also wrote how all things have a reason the way they do and how I feel more content this week than the last in the path I am on in spite of being broke, a little loney, and needing my own home instead of bunking with a friend.
Time heals bebemay. It really does. Be patient.
Alice
It's been 6 weeks since I last saw him. It's been...what...2 weeks since I last spoke to him. It's been two hours since someone asked if I knew how he was. It's been 10 minutes since I last thought about calling him and telling him what I really think of him.
On the other hand I journalled twice today about blessings I see in my life and things I am thankful for. I wrote about trying to live in the moment and appreciate what I have each day to wake up to. I also wrote how all things have a reason the way they do and how I feel more content this week than the last in the path I am on in spite of being broke, a little loney, and needing my own home instead of bunking with a friend.
Time heals bebemay. It really does. Be patient.
Alice
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Oh bebemay, your response touched me. I think you are going to be okay, no matter what.
I smiled when you said that we here seem to "get it", to have it together, and you asked how long that took.
Well, I have been in weekly therapy for three years, recovering from loving a relapsed heroin addict who suddenly flew away from me.
Just last week, I said to my therapist, "I was so crazy, when I first came in here to see you."
And he looked straight at me and he said, "Not crazy. Wounded."
I will never forget that.
You are not crazy.
You are wounded. And you will heal.
Bluejay
I smiled when you said that we here seem to "get it", to have it together, and you asked how long that took.
Well, I have been in weekly therapy for three years, recovering from loving a relapsed heroin addict who suddenly flew away from me.
Just last week, I said to my therapist, "I was so crazy, when I first came in here to see you."
And he looked straight at me and he said, "Not crazy. Wounded."
I will never forget that.
You are not crazy.
You are wounded. And you will heal.
Bluejay
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Merced, CA
Posts: 77
Hello Bebemay:
Sorry my efforts to respond to you earlier were cut off to my ending "best wishes".
I can empathize with your misery, because I've been in a similar situation, with a dysfunctional boyfriend who had a powerful hold on me. I think a lot of my attraction to him was based on my compassion for him; actual pity that he had such demons to wrestle with, and my desire to help him overcome these demons so he could fulfill his potential to be a whole, healthy person.
Of course, in retrospect, I had it all wrong. My efforts to help him were doomed, for all the obvious reasons. A violent episode ended our relationship and we broke up. It took nearly a year for me to get him out of my system.
You've become enmeshed with your guy, and have to extricate yourself so you can achieve the happiness and success you deserve. It isn't going to happen with this guy, and while you are involved with him, futilely pursuing a "fix" for him and for the relationship, you are making yourself unavailable to the development of other, more healthy and appropriate relationships.
The best thing for you to do is GET OUT, and once you've done this, to STAY OUT. No contact of any kind. Believe me, while there is short term pain, even agony with this approach, a clean break will limit your suffering.
Good luck to you.
Electa
Sorry my efforts to respond to you earlier were cut off to my ending "best wishes".
I can empathize with your misery, because I've been in a similar situation, with a dysfunctional boyfriend who had a powerful hold on me. I think a lot of my attraction to him was based on my compassion for him; actual pity that he had such demons to wrestle with, and my desire to help him overcome these demons so he could fulfill his potential to be a whole, healthy person.
Of course, in retrospect, I had it all wrong. My efforts to help him were doomed, for all the obvious reasons. A violent episode ended our relationship and we broke up. It took nearly a year for me to get him out of my system.
You've become enmeshed with your guy, and have to extricate yourself so you can achieve the happiness and success you deserve. It isn't going to happen with this guy, and while you are involved with him, futilely pursuing a "fix" for him and for the relationship, you are making yourself unavailable to the development of other, more healthy and appropriate relationships.
The best thing for you to do is GET OUT, and once you've done this, to STAY OUT. No contact of any kind. Believe me, while there is short term pain, even agony with this approach, a clean break will limit your suffering.
Good luck to you.
Electa
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi bebemay!! how are you today? I am Sandra and I am glad to meet you, you seem very sweet and a nice person.
It seems like everyone here just "gets it" and has their life together.
Yes we all get it... "life together"
LOL !! Oh no, that is SO not true for me...
Well I will recount just like ItsMeAlice, its been 10 months since I broke up with an ex in early alcoholism stages... 14 hours since I interacted with him for work reasons... 10 hours since I saw him walking (very meditative... probably wondering where to drink tonight!) ... moved with him from another city... same job... verbal abuse, daily drinking, unbelievable cruelty... two weeks later he was going out with a girl I also knew... introduced her to all our common friends/coworkers... brought her to the same beaches... invited her to live with him.. to go with him in ALL the company events... even dedicating her the same song (Inside your love by Smashing pumpkins!) and I always run into them!! in the elevator.. walking... driving... we are neighbors...
Not to say this to complain, but to show you its possible to feel better even when things are much less than perfect!!
I thought I was never going to laugh about this but knowing about addiction/enablers helped me understand reality... while we are enmeshed and LISTENING to a sick person you just cannot sort the mess out, you HAVE to zoom out to see the whole picture.
The first weeks/months I was heartbroken... but slowly I have been able to learn nothing had to do with ME personally... I was just there believing his lies...:rotfxko but he was the one who lied, harmed, manipulated, made empty promises, showed just enough remorse for me to come back thinking it was real remorse... insulted, criticized, badmouthed, abused trust and emotionally abused... None of that was triggered by me. I am not that powerful.... It is who he is, who he decides to be.
A thing that helped me through the worst was to remember the great people I knew before this person and remember happy times without him. If I could be happy before him I could be happy again without him!
Addiction equals misery, the earlier you leave the better... we can love them all we want..wish them the best...but WE NEED TO PROTECT OURSELVES FIRST..
As it is, bebemay a while ago I met a really wonderful guy.. and I hated to listen to t his when I arrived but THERE ARE GREAT GUYS OUT THERE! We just celebrated 5 months... and eventhough it has been my toughest year I am grateful I have changed so much..
One day he brought me a Garfield card... and I told him "wow, I didn't think you remembered I like Garfield!" and he acted insulted and say "hey what do you think boyfriends are for? to remember what makes their gf's happy" and I almost asked him to marry me right away LOL it was so sweet, yes, a partner is there to ENHANCE your life and be your refuge, NOT to be a source of pain!
I am no longer a doormat... I know what love looks like... love is an action, love is a daily effort, love is learned and showed and felt day by day... it is NOT a word someone says before stabbing your heart and messing with your mind!
I have learned more stuff this year than the previous 26 years... the journey is rocky but the gifts to be given are precious: peace, serenity, sense of self
I learned to surf through emotions and accept them as they come.. no "shoulds"... as long as you are alive you will have feelings... and it is a brave thing to do, to face them,.. feel them...release them in healthy ways.... and just as pain arrived... joy will arrive too... and it will be SO precious, just like the fresh calm after a storm, the sense of renewal and the promise of better things to come.
It seems like everyone here just "gets it" and has their life together.
Yes we all get it... "life together"
LOL !! Oh no, that is SO not true for me...Well I will recount just like ItsMeAlice, its been 10 months since I broke up with an ex in early alcoholism stages... 14 hours since I interacted with him for work reasons... 10 hours since I saw him walking (very meditative... probably wondering where to drink tonight!) ... moved with him from another city... same job... verbal abuse, daily drinking, unbelievable cruelty... two weeks later he was going out with a girl I also knew... introduced her to all our common friends/coworkers... brought her to the same beaches... invited her to live with him.. to go with him in ALL the company events... even dedicating her the same song
(Inside your love by Smashing pumpkins!) and I always run into them!! in the elevator.. walking... driving... we are neighbors...Not to say this to complain, but to show you its possible to feel better even when things are much less than perfect!!
I thought I was never going to laugh about this but knowing about addiction/enablers helped me understand reality... while we are enmeshed and LISTENING to a sick person you just cannot sort the mess out, you HAVE to zoom out to see the whole picture.
The first weeks/months I was heartbroken... but slowly I have been able to learn nothing had to do with ME personally... I was just there believing his lies...:rotfxko but he was the one who lied, harmed, manipulated, made empty promises, showed just enough remorse for me to come back thinking it was real remorse... insulted, criticized, badmouthed, abused trust and emotionally abused... None of that was triggered by me. I am not that powerful.... It is who he is, who he decides to be.
A thing that helped me through the worst was to remember the great people I knew before this person and remember happy times without him. If I could be happy before him I could be happy again without him!
Addiction equals misery, the earlier you leave the better... we can love them all we want..wish them the best...but WE NEED TO PROTECT OURSELVES FIRST..
As it is, bebemay a while ago I met a really wonderful guy.. and I hated to listen to t his when I arrived but THERE ARE GREAT GUYS OUT THERE! We just celebrated 5 months... and eventhough it has been my toughest year I am grateful I have changed so much..
One day he brought me a Garfield card... and I told him "wow, I didn't think you remembered I like Garfield!" and he acted insulted and say "hey what do you think boyfriends are for? to remember what makes their gf's happy" and I almost asked him to marry me right away LOL it was so sweet, yes, a partner is there to ENHANCE your life and be your refuge, NOT to be a source of pain!
I am no longer a doormat... I know what love looks like... love is an action, love is a daily effort, love is learned and showed and felt day by day... it is NOT a word someone says before stabbing your heart and messing with your mind!
I have learned more stuff this year than the previous 26 years... the journey is rocky but the gifts to be given are precious: peace, serenity, sense of self
I learned to surf through emotions and accept them as they come.. no "shoulds"... as long as you are alive you will have feelings... and it is a brave thing to do, to face them,.. feel them...release them in healthy ways.... and just as pain arrived... joy will arrive too... and it will be SO precious, just like the fresh calm after a storm, the sense of renewal and the promise of better things to come.
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 09-17-2009 at 11:35 PM.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Indiana
Posts: 32
Thank you all for your advice. I have been doing much better until this morning...I sent him a text message. UGH I am just disgusted with myself. Its killing me that he is just acting as though he doesnt care about me or whether or not we even talk. Its mind blowing to me that someone can go from being completely dedicated and in love to this cold, callous behavior. I need to take charge of my own life I guess. this is just a huge bummer.
this is just a huge bummer.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
He is not doing this to you, personally, bebemay. It is what they do.
We slip. I sent an email and talked to xabf, long after he treated me like dirt.... I guess until I myself came out from my own denial and realized he never cared for me... until IT HAD to be crystal clear...
A person who cares for another one would never ever treat someone so cruelly.
Please try to see this in your favor - see his acts, how much hurt he is capable of inflicting - to realize how much pain he has inside, and to stay away....
One day... you will be grateful for the good times... and grateful for having someone unstable out of your life.... this is the time to get closer to God/HP...
We slip. I sent an email and talked to xabf, long after he treated me like dirt.... I guess until I myself came out from my own denial and realized he never cared for me... until IT HAD to be crystal clear...
A person who cares for another one would never ever treat someone so cruelly.
Please try to see this in your favor - see his acts, how much hurt he is capable of inflicting - to realize how much pain he has inside, and to stay away....
One day... you will be grateful for the good times... and grateful for having someone unstable out of your life.... this is the time to get closer to God/HP...
Blu**ed Lines...A ClockWork SR
Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: AZ
Posts: 2,529
The only thing I can possibly add is that when an active user, or recently sober person says something.... Be very careful. What is said sincerely and honestly on the part of th addict isn't real unless it's backed up. Active use greatly reduces the chance that what is sincerely said at the time will honestly be followed through on. Look for actions... Not words. Humbly on day 52 this time.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
It takes some doing and some practice to go no contact. It is so much easier said than done. We have all been through the same whether it was stepping away from our drug of choice, not calling to check on our addicted loved ones, or not answering yet another call from a toxic friend (of course I mean the friendship is a toxic one, not the person. LOL).
Slapping your own hand when it nears the cookie jar just takes time to master. Don't get down on yourself if a text or call gets through your defenses. I made a mistake and dialed my voicemail without checking first to see who it was that called. I ended up hearing a message from my EX. I erased it and didn't call him back, but it was a step in the wrong direction I didn't want to take. I'm not going to dwell, I'm going to move on and try to do better next time. It's what we all do, and you can too!
To lose a love is not like a sneeze that's over in a flahs, it's more like the flu. It drags on and brings forth a variety of symptoms that seem to roll on from one to the next, you can do a lot of things to ease the discomfort, but in the end you have to ride it out as best you can.
Yeah, that's right, I compared your addict to a viral infection. It's a metaphor, not an insult...that is...unless he is one.
Smile, it's contageous.
Alice
Slapping your own hand when it nears the cookie jar just takes time to master. Don't get down on yourself if a text or call gets through your defenses. I made a mistake and dialed my voicemail without checking first to see who it was that called. I ended up hearing a message from my EX. I erased it and didn't call him back, but it was a step in the wrong direction I didn't want to take. I'm not going to dwell, I'm going to move on and try to do better next time. It's what we all do, and you can too!
To lose a love is not like a sneeze that's over in a flahs, it's more like the flu. It drags on and brings forth a variety of symptoms that seem to roll on from one to the next, you can do a lot of things to ease the discomfort, but in the end you have to ride it out as best you can.
Yeah, that's right, I compared your addict to a viral infection. It's a metaphor, not an insult...that is...unless he is one.
Smile, it's contageous.Alice
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 68
What some of the others have said is true. I dated an alcoholic off/on (literally) for about 2 years. He was never physically violent w/me but he was verbally & emotionally abusive. When he was drinking (esp. the hard liquor) he was horribly out of control with his anger. I forgave several times before I finally had enough of his inability to seek help for his addiction. His lack of commitment to getting sober, his disrespect for me and his disrespect for others was a deal-breaker for me. I was/am truly embarrassed by his past bad behavior and I carried around a lot of guilt thinking there was something "I" could have done to have prevented his drunken, stupid behavior. I also had hope that when he apologized for his bad behavior, that he would have taken steps to see that it never happened again. As you learned, it always happens again though and it will continue to happen over & over until they decide they want help for their addiction.
I encourage you to cut off contact with this toxic man. I know it's hard, and I know how hard it is to want the GOOD guy you know is deep down inside. Trust me, you will see less & less of the good guy & more of the a-hole they are when they are drinking (or WANT a drink, as it sounds from your guy's situation). If they try to get off booze themselves, they will have a very hard time with withdrawals. They will lash out, as your guy did, over & over until they decide it's time for professional help.
The only other thing I can tell you is that TIME really does help heal the wounds of an abusive relationship. It took me a long time to admit that I was in an abusive relationship. Words and emotional abuse is abuse even if it's not physical. Get back into Al-Anon and keep reading their materials and keep posting here and talking to those who have been in your shoes. It WILL get better, but you MUST remember that his BAD will ALWAYS outweigh the good until he wants to get sober & there is nothing you can say or do to get him to that point--he must do it himself.
I encourage you to cut off contact with this toxic man. I know it's hard, and I know how hard it is to want the GOOD guy you know is deep down inside. Trust me, you will see less & less of the good guy & more of the a-hole they are when they are drinking (or WANT a drink, as it sounds from your guy's situation). If they try to get off booze themselves, they will have a very hard time with withdrawals. They will lash out, as your guy did, over & over until they decide it's time for professional help.
The only other thing I can tell you is that TIME really does help heal the wounds of an abusive relationship. It took me a long time to admit that I was in an abusive relationship. Words and emotional abuse is abuse even if it's not physical. Get back into Al-Anon and keep reading their materials and keep posting here and talking to those who have been in your shoes. It WILL get better, but you MUST remember that his BAD will ALWAYS outweigh the good until he wants to get sober & there is nothing you can say or do to get him to that point--he must do it himself.
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 68
Another thing..
Originally Posted by bebemay 
Thank you all for your advice. I have been doing much better until this morning...I sent him a text message. UGH I am just disgusted with myself. Its killing me that he is just acting as though he doesnt care about me or whether or not we even talk. Its mind blowing to me that someone can go from being completely dedicated and in love to this cold, callous behavior. I need to take charge of my own life I guess. this is just a huge bummer.
this is just a huge bummer.I'm sure he did care about you--maybe still cares but HE is a very sick person and you can't fix him. Believe me, I have experienced a lot of the feelings you are going through. I had my share of sleepless nights and heart palpitations worrying about what my drunk was doing or feeling. I spent WAY too much time and energy with him. Now, I'm spending some of that time and energy telling others about addiction, about what Al-Anon can do for them and how you can let the misery of dealing with an alcoholic behind and move on to a much healthier & safer place in life.
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