Dear Learn2Live,

I must have interpreted your words in a bad way. Sorry.
I was very afraid about language barrier. Sometimes it is not easy to me to understand somebody's intensions. It is not easy to express the right questions in my native language, but in English it makes it really tough task.
I also tried to keep the post as short as possible, because long ones are sometimes really annoying and stop people from reading. That's why I abbreviated all to a simple word 'help', but had in mind something more specific, hoping that there are people in similar situation able to catch what I'm really asking for (I could not just believe I am the only one in the universe who meets such issue).

It may look like, but it isn't. I had this dilemma several months ago and that is why I'm in touch with therapist working together to not loose the track.

It may look like, but it isn't. We both worked on it with our therapists to not make it happen.

That's a natural way of solving several problems.
If something fails at my job- a person or a device I'll search any available resource to fix the problem, putting all forces and support to avoid the failures in the future. If it was a person failure I do support the responsible person as well, trying to understand the reasons.
Is this normal human behavior or codependency ?
If you can see a blind person trying to cross the street you ask if you could help or turn around and trying to pretend you can't see him ? Personally I would definitely help. And yes, it makes me feel better about me if this person securely crosses the street.
Is this normal human behavior or codependency ?
I support financially some foundations for disabled children. And yes, I do feel better when I see child's smile. Do I allow child smile affect my own feelings ? Yes.
Is this normal human behavior or codependency ?
All this is normal behavior until it reaches abnormal scale.
It's just a single brick in building better world, because we, the people are the world.
When the need for help for any price is the target and is more important than everything else - I agree, it is about codependency. Otherwise it's all normal.

But my supposed codependency is not a case here and it sounds rather like obsession that everybody coming to such forums and using word 'help' in posts is codependent. It's simply an abuse. Every case is unique (thanks CatsPajamas) and I suggest to focus on thread's topic, not me.

Anyway, the reasons I talked to therapist are given above. That was some kind of assurance about me, not her.
I've read books for myself, not for her.
I've searched internet for myself, not for her.

As I told before, she isolated her problems from me as much as possible. As far as I can look back to the past, it is very likely if she didn't tell me about codependency I wouldn't recognize it even with my current knowledge. I always treated her as a normal person like any other people. Her therapy and problems were never topic of any discussion, we just had a great time together, cycling, walking, cooking, watching tv and other things people are doing together in healthy relations.
When she disappeared I simply missed her and missed all the things we did together. It didn't make me feel there's something wrong about me. I know her and know that there was something abnormal behind her decision and that's why I'm here (codependency came first in mind) asking the possible reasons. I mentioned about the bricks in building better world. I ask now about this brick in trying to build just better relations if this is possible.

If you say it's not possible and it's better to call her and say: "hello babe, I quit, give me a call when you're done with all your problems"- I take it, but sorry, I will wait for more opinions, because you tend to apply codependency to whatever, without understanding what's behind it.


Well, you only know some parts from the story. We have already met two times. She simply has remorse she must have done it. At that time it seemed to be the only option for her. She misses me a lot and that's why she's also afraid she could break if she begins to see me again. She made a decision and she is learning to be consequent. I am not going to have any influence on that decision and fully understand that. Time will show if it was a right or wrong decision. She just took her oxygen mask first (thanks sailorjohn)

But I am trying to understand codependent part of it (path of behavior and decision). But my understanding does not help her. I am not doing it for her, I am doing it for myself. And I don't have any negative nor positive feelings about it now. But again, that's a natural way of solving problems- first get a knowledge, then make a decision if required and act.


I've lost my friend because of cancer. Everybody, family and friends felt bad and asked why it did happen, what he was thinking and feeling just before death. Does it mean they're all codependent ?
No, it's normal when somebody close disappears.

If she didn't be codependent and disappear I would ask the same questions, but without the magic word codependency behind it.

Please, do not fall into a schema calling codependency for every human behavior.

You're right, I DID.
Well it is always good to not exaggerate, because we can realize we're going mad soon.
Most of humans feelings are affected by humans behavior.
My dad was in the hospital 3 weeks ago for a serious surgery. Then I felt really bad, because I could loose him. These are normal feelings when some close person can be gone.
I felt relatively bad as well when my best friend could not attend my birthday party, because of some reasons, at that time probably more important to him than me.
We always feel bad when things are not going in directions we want them to.
But this is all normal and usually has temporary nature.
Going with your point of view it is easy to show everybody is codependent and the world consists of dependent and codependent people, but it looks like an obsession rather than reality.

Well, I just deny the statements that are simply not true.
It just looked like an automatic response without understanding a questioner.
I am satisfied with my life and really do not need anybody to realize myself. I am managing fast developing company. I have two great passions. I and my team won championships this summer and I have just received a gold medal and great bumper. We work together very strong to make it happen again in next year. We do work on our bodies and souls, it means many work on personality and relationships as well. My second passion will be realized in just 2 months when my next record is to be released.
And these are the things where I'm done for myself, things that give me lots of positive energy and smile on my face all the time.
Funny, all that off topic discussion about my supposed codependency started when I mentioned I am lucky. I find it rather like people do not accept somebody could be lucky and trying to find problems where the are no problems.
I think Bernadette does not need to have a lawyer nor anybody in defense for her. We clarified the things with the next posts and I think it's ok now.

By the way, could you please distinguish clearly where the normal human behavior ends and codependency begins ?
I think it could be very valuable for many readers.

S.

I think codependency and/or addictive behavior is on a continuum for almost everyone. There is no specific point or trigger that causes a person to suddenly become codependent - it develops over time and sneaks up very slowly, just like addiction. I can tell you that most, if not everyone on this forum, is here because they have had a great deal of pain in their life and would do just about anything to find peace. We don't know your girlfriend's story (and it sounds like you may not know the whole story either), so it's quite possible she is not only codependent, but may have many other issues she is dealing with as well. I think it is great of you to reach out and get all the information you can about someone you care about - but, I think what others are sharing is that it can be a slippery slope from a healthy love and concern for someone's well being to an unhealthy, consuming state of codependency. I wish you and your girlfriend well - and I think if things are meant to be, they will be. Take care!

There's been long time. I just thought I drop by :). Things got back to normal a while ago. She had lots of serious troubles with her health, completely independent from her codependency and that was the reason she 'disappeared'.

Wishing you all the best
S.