living with alcoholic and gambler.....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 20
living with alcoholic and gambler.....
Hi,
This is my first post here but I've been reading a lot of posts since yesterday. My husband of almost 19 yrs is an alcoholic. He has all the typical symptoms so many of you have described here that alcoholics share. He (and I too,) has always drank since we met. It started to become more of a problem within the last 10 years. Long story short, and my purpose for this post is that for the last several years, when he drinks he becomes like a caged animal and wants to "go"--leave the house and get out and have some fun. This mainly means he wants to go to the nearby casino and "try and make some money for the family" (yea right). Luckily he has a well paying job and I've worked PT the last 3 yrs so we have been able to absorb the losses, although I get very upset and resentful about the money that could have been used for more practical expenses. (we have 2 young kids, home, cars, credit cards, etc.)
It has come to the point that I carry all of his credit cards and his debit card as well as the checkbook--I don't think he knows where the box of extra checks are kept. Any time he is drinking I have to hide my purse and keep it near me when I go to bed or else, if I forget and leave it out, he will take his card and head to the casino. Yes he drinks and drives but always thinks he's fine and since he's never had a DUI or accident he must be doing okay. He takes out cash, from $40 to $300 at a time, sometimes going through over $1000 in one evening or overnight at the casino. Frankly we cannot "afford" that kind of expenditure on any given Tuesday night or whenever the urge hits him. That type of spending would typically be what we would spend on a vacation or something similar--not just an evening of fun for him. Heaven forbid he ever makes it home with any winnings. He then proceeds to throw it in my face as proof that he can win. Anything he has ever brought home with him does not begin to touch the amount he has lost over the years.
I am tired of having to be the "police" and keeper of his credit cards but I do not trust him with money when he's been drinking and do not want to go further into credit card debt or lose money that we rely on to live.
My question is regarding detachment and allowing him to suffer the consequences of his behavior when he drinks. I would love for him to have to deal with having no money to pay for things after he blows it all on gambling, but if that happened, my kids and I would suffer too. Right now, I am making those decisions for him by keeping posession of the cards and not giving him much cash at a time. I can't seem to find a suitable way for him to have to accept the responsibility. I have thought about having a separate account just for him as his "spending money" and I maintain the main one that supports us. But he always argues that he works and it is mostly his money since he makes more than I do. He says I can't say how all the money is spent. I'm afraid he would not contribute his wages to the "family" account if I were to try and determine an acceptable amount for his "fun" account. Besides, in our current situation, I don't think ANY amount of money should be spent on gambling. I know he'd disagree.
So, does anyone else have to deal with an alcoholic/gambling addict? Any suggestions or experiences? I'd sure appreciate it.
Thanks~ Squirt
This is my first post here but I've been reading a lot of posts since yesterday. My husband of almost 19 yrs is an alcoholic. He has all the typical symptoms so many of you have described here that alcoholics share. He (and I too,) has always drank since we met. It started to become more of a problem within the last 10 years. Long story short, and my purpose for this post is that for the last several years, when he drinks he becomes like a caged animal and wants to "go"--leave the house and get out and have some fun. This mainly means he wants to go to the nearby casino and "try and make some money for the family" (yea right). Luckily he has a well paying job and I've worked PT the last 3 yrs so we have been able to absorb the losses, although I get very upset and resentful about the money that could have been used for more practical expenses. (we have 2 young kids, home, cars, credit cards, etc.)
It has come to the point that I carry all of his credit cards and his debit card as well as the checkbook--I don't think he knows where the box of extra checks are kept. Any time he is drinking I have to hide my purse and keep it near me when I go to bed or else, if I forget and leave it out, he will take his card and head to the casino. Yes he drinks and drives but always thinks he's fine and since he's never had a DUI or accident he must be doing okay. He takes out cash, from $40 to $300 at a time, sometimes going through over $1000 in one evening or overnight at the casino. Frankly we cannot "afford" that kind of expenditure on any given Tuesday night or whenever the urge hits him. That type of spending would typically be what we would spend on a vacation or something similar--not just an evening of fun for him. Heaven forbid he ever makes it home with any winnings. He then proceeds to throw it in my face as proof that he can win. Anything he has ever brought home with him does not begin to touch the amount he has lost over the years.
I am tired of having to be the "police" and keeper of his credit cards but I do not trust him with money when he's been drinking and do not want to go further into credit card debt or lose money that we rely on to live.
My question is regarding detachment and allowing him to suffer the consequences of his behavior when he drinks. I would love for him to have to deal with having no money to pay for things after he blows it all on gambling, but if that happened, my kids and I would suffer too. Right now, I am making those decisions for him by keeping posession of the cards and not giving him much cash at a time. I can't seem to find a suitable way for him to have to accept the responsibility. I have thought about having a separate account just for him as his "spending money" and I maintain the main one that supports us. But he always argues that he works and it is mostly his money since he makes more than I do. He says I can't say how all the money is spent. I'm afraid he would not contribute his wages to the "family" account if I were to try and determine an acceptable amount for his "fun" account. Besides, in our current situation, I don't think ANY amount of money should be spent on gambling. I know he'd disagree.
So, does anyone else have to deal with an alcoholic/gambling addict? Any suggestions or experiences? I'd sure appreciate it.
Thanks~ Squirt
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I have experienced living with an active alcoholic who gambles on lottery. I too tried to control the finances. It just made me crazy and caused him to resent me and drink more. Every time I thought I had all the financial holes plugged, he found a new loophole. The last one he found was that he rented a PO box and opened new credit cards in his name and used them like ATM cards for cash withdrawals with high interest. I divorced that financial nightmare.
You could keep track of all his "pleasure" expenses for a few months and keep track of all his big winnings during the same period of time. Then you could try to show him the black hole he was creating. BUT I DO NOT recommend taking that path. You would be attempting to present logical information to illogical thinker. An alcoholic is not rational. Therefore, you can not have a thoughtful, rational conversation with an alcoholic. They will not see your point. They will hear blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine......
In the end, you feel crazier for having tried.
Have you considered attending Alanon meetings to get support for yourself? Have you read Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More"? Both of those steps will help you learn to take care of yourself. Detach from the alcoholic and let him live his own life.
I recommend you get legal advise to learn out to protect yourself from his gambling.
Keep posting and reading, we're glad you are here.
I have experienced living with an active alcoholic who gambles on lottery. I too tried to control the finances. It just made me crazy and caused him to resent me and drink more. Every time I thought I had all the financial holes plugged, he found a new loophole. The last one he found was that he rented a PO box and opened new credit cards in his name and used them like ATM cards for cash withdrawals with high interest. I divorced that financial nightmare.
You could keep track of all his "pleasure" expenses for a few months and keep track of all his big winnings during the same period of time. Then you could try to show him the black hole he was creating. BUT I DO NOT recommend taking that path. You would be attempting to present logical information to illogical thinker. An alcoholic is not rational. Therefore, you can not have a thoughtful, rational conversation with an alcoholic. They will not see your point. They will hear blah, blah, blah, whine, whine, whine......
In the end, you feel crazier for having tried.
Have you considered attending Alanon meetings to get support for yourself? Have you read Melody Beattie's book "Codependent No More"? Both of those steps will help you learn to take care of yourself. Detach from the alcoholic and let him live his own life.
I recommend you get legal advise to learn out to protect yourself from his gambling.
Keep posting and reading, we're glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 26
Hi and welcome.
I too thought I had covered the loopholes but ah... they are so clever. lol My XAH eventually just began preparing ahead of time by going into the bank with just his drivers license as ID and withdrawing money. My suggestion is to open an account in your name only. But as Pelican said they will always figure out another way to get their 'fix'.
I found this site to be my lifeline to sanity and serenity. I've also attended Al-Anon and read the suggested books. Although, my marriage did not survive... I did. I'm proud to say I now have serenity and a darn good life. There IS life after trudging through the quicksand.
Hugs and prayers to you.
I too thought I had covered the loopholes but ah... they are so clever. lol My XAH eventually just began preparing ahead of time by going into the bank with just his drivers license as ID and withdrawing money. My suggestion is to open an account in your name only. But as Pelican said they will always figure out another way to get their 'fix'.
I found this site to be my lifeline to sanity and serenity. I've also attended Al-Anon and read the suggested books. Although, my marriage did not survive... I did. I'm proud to say I now have serenity and a darn good life. There IS life after trudging through the quicksand.
Hugs and prayers to you.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Squirt,
Just to let you know, so you don't think you're alone: This is "normal" for these people (Addicts, alcoholics, gamblers, sex addicts, etc...).
The way you describe your life and marriage sounds EXHAUSTING.
Well, regardless of what you and I and everybody else thinks he should be doing, he has a "right" to decide how he wants to live his life, spend the money he earns the way he wants to, and act on his own individual values related to caring for his family. Sounds like you are trying to tell him what he should do and not do.
This not YOUR job; it's HIS job. You trying to find a way for him to accept responsibility is trying to force and therefore control him. He's not a child, he's a grown man.
In what ways would you and the kids suffer? You wouldn't have a place to live and food to eat, no electricity, no water? Or something else?
Again, this is not your job.
If you want practical advice I would:
(1) Remove my name from EVERYTHING that is jointly held.
(2) Get my own bank account without his name on it.
(3) Approach him calmly during a time he is sober. If arguing hasn't gotten you anywhere so far, don't bother this time.
Come to an agreement on the dollar amount needed to pay the household expenses and ask him to have that dollar amount deposited in YOUR bank account. If he won't do it, you could start the appropriate legal action to do so.
(4) And most importantly, Go to Al-Anon.
Take care.
P.S. Just because you do not see a lot of postings about GAMBLING here on the Friends & Family (F&F) forum, you are still in the Right place.
he becomes like a caged animal and wants to "go"--leave the house and get out and have some fun
having to be the "police" and keeper of his credit cards
He says I can't say how all the money is spent...Besides, in our current situation, I don't think ANY amount of money should be spent on gambling. I know he'd disagree.
I can't seem to find a suitable way for him to have to accept the responsibility.
my kids and I would suffer
if I were to try and determine an acceptable amount for his "fun" account
If you want practical advice I would:
(1) Remove my name from EVERYTHING that is jointly held.
(2) Get my own bank account without his name on it.
(3) Approach him calmly during a time he is sober. If arguing hasn't gotten you anywhere so far, don't bother this time.
Come to an agreement on the dollar amount needed to pay the household expenses and ask him to have that dollar amount deposited in YOUR bank account. If he won't do it, you could start the appropriate legal action to do so.(4) And most importantly, Go to Al-Anon.
Take care.
P.S. Just because you do not see a lot of postings about GAMBLING here on the Friends & Family (F&F) forum, you are still in the Right place.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
The truth is that the only way to fully detach yourself from the (in particular, financial) consequences of his choices is to divorce him. While legally married, his debts are yours too, and it sounds like they are going to get way worse.
It will become increasingly difficult for you to get out and get independent housing, etc. for yourself and your children as he ruins your credit score and puts you into catastrophic debt. Between the alcohol and the gambling this is coming.
Addicts are surprisingly predictable. Read around here a lot and you will begin to see the patterns, both of addicts, and those who try to live with them.
Welcome to SR!
CLMI
It will become increasingly difficult for you to get out and get independent housing, etc. for yourself and your children as he ruins your credit score and puts you into catastrophic debt. Between the alcohol and the gambling this is coming.
Addicts are surprisingly predictable. Read around here a lot and you will begin to see the patterns, both of addicts, and those who try to live with them.
Welcome to SR!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hi Squirt--
Welcome to SR...
Many of us who either grew up with alcoholic parents or ended up married to alcoholics start to live in a world of serious denial. I found breaking through the denial and accepting reality to be the first step for me in making changes for the better.
Have you asked yourself why you are are tolerating this situation? Do you think it will somehow, on its own, change course and actually get better?
I am sure you will say you love him or you made a marriage vow etc. We all love the alcoholics in our lives. But it is at our own peril that we deny the damage they can do and stay in denial without protecting ourselves and our children!! This man is so dangerous to your mental health, your children's mental health & future, and to all of humanity that lives between your house and the casino.
Yes he drinks and drives but always thinks he's fine and since he's never had a DUI or accident he must be doing okay.
He must be doing okay???????? Because he hasn't been busted...YET????
Squirt, what you are dealing with here is so serious - it will not change or be fixed by you just figuring out how to ration his money. And I hope you get LEGAL advice on how to protect yourself before he destroys your finances or kills some innocent man/woman/child/baby/grandparent while driving drunk (for which YOU as his wife, can be sued and found responsible as long as you are married - and especially since you have knowledge of his alcohol abuse!)
I know it is painful to face the reality - but think about it - reality will come and bite you hard - harder & more painful the longer you deny it!!
Get real, get some legal advice, and get a comfy chair for your computer because there are many here with experience, strength and hope to share with you! You are not alone - but only you can act to stop the insanity in your and your children's lives.
peace-
b
Welcome to SR...
Many of us who either grew up with alcoholic parents or ended up married to alcoholics start to live in a world of serious denial. I found breaking through the denial and accepting reality to be the first step for me in making changes for the better.
Have you asked yourself why you are are tolerating this situation? Do you think it will somehow, on its own, change course and actually get better?
I am sure you will say you love him or you made a marriage vow etc. We all love the alcoholics in our lives. But it is at our own peril that we deny the damage they can do and stay in denial without protecting ourselves and our children!! This man is so dangerous to your mental health, your children's mental health & future, and to all of humanity that lives between your house and the casino.
Yes he drinks and drives but always thinks he's fine and since he's never had a DUI or accident he must be doing okay.
He must be doing okay???????? Because he hasn't been busted...YET????
Squirt, what you are dealing with here is so serious - it will not change or be fixed by you just figuring out how to ration his money. And I hope you get LEGAL advice on how to protect yourself before he destroys your finances or kills some innocent man/woman/child/baby/grandparent while driving drunk (for which YOU as his wife, can be sued and found responsible as long as you are married - and especially since you have knowledge of his alcohol abuse!)
I know it is painful to face the reality - but think about it - reality will come and bite you hard - harder & more painful the longer you deny it!!
Get real, get some legal advice, and get a comfy chair for your computer because there are many here with experience, strength and hope to share with you! You are not alone - but only you can act to stop the insanity in your and your children's lives.
peace-
b
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 20
Thanks for the help
thanks everyone, for your replies.
Pelican, I read Codependent no more years ago but it sounds like I need to read it again.
Learn2Live, yes, this life IS Exhausting. I actually staged an intervention for my husband about this time last year. He agreed to an inpatient rehab other than moving out. I told my friend last night that those 4 weeks he was gone were some of the most calm, peaceful and organized weeks I've had in a long time. Obviously he relapsed and it's my own fault for allowing the situation to continue. Also, I wanted to reassure you that when I mentioned me and my kids suffering regarding his responsibility for his actions I was strictly referring to us suffering financially. He has never been violent in any way. Quite the contrary, when he drinks he is usually more friendly, loving, and affectionate--not that I want it from a drunk guy!
Bernadette, Thanks for all your helpful and blunt advice. All my friends have known my AH for years and I'm sure it's hard for them to be objective. Also to clarify, I do NOT approve of his drinking and driving nor do I think he's "okay" since he's never had any incidents before. That is HIS opinion. I have considered calling the police to try and catch him before but then don't for fear of the expense and impact on his job--which has been our main financial support.
Anyway. Thanks again for the input so far. I'm considering getting some legal advice initially then see how I procede. I do intend to continue with these boards. It's a great comfort and help to "talk" with people who have lived with similar situations! I hope I can offer some input at times too!
S
Pelican, I read Codependent no more years ago but it sounds like I need to read it again.
Learn2Live, yes, this life IS Exhausting. I actually staged an intervention for my husband about this time last year. He agreed to an inpatient rehab other than moving out. I told my friend last night that those 4 weeks he was gone were some of the most calm, peaceful and organized weeks I've had in a long time. Obviously he relapsed and it's my own fault for allowing the situation to continue. Also, I wanted to reassure you that when I mentioned me and my kids suffering regarding his responsibility for his actions I was strictly referring to us suffering financially. He has never been violent in any way. Quite the contrary, when he drinks he is usually more friendly, loving, and affectionate--not that I want it from a drunk guy!
Bernadette, Thanks for all your helpful and blunt advice. All my friends have known my AH for years and I'm sure it's hard for them to be objective. Also to clarify, I do NOT approve of his drinking and driving nor do I think he's "okay" since he's never had any incidents before. That is HIS opinion. I have considered calling the police to try and catch him before but then don't for fear of the expense and impact on his job--which has been our main financial support.
Anyway. Thanks again for the input so far. I'm considering getting some legal advice initially then see how I procede. I do intend to continue with these boards. It's a great comfort and help to "talk" with people who have lived with similar situations! I hope I can offer some input at times too!
S
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: wheeling, w.va
Posts: 1
Living with a spouse whom has many addictions
Hello, I'm new to this site. My husband is a somewhat recovery alcholic. ( drinks when I work weekends). He was admitted into a 5 day stay last June due to mental hygiene. lucky he's still alive. I have been to Allon & currently seeing a counsler on regular bases. He was told to go to AA, ( I meeting), in counsling for 2 mos. stopped goin saying he felt insurance money was being wasted. He not only drinks but gambles. I too have taken over the monies but he seems to always need money for gas, cigs& etc. He has pawned items including his wedding ring now for the second time recently I discovered. We have no children at home & married 12 yrs now. What I am asking I guess is how do I find it in my heart to walk away. He has no one but me. His children have not spoke to him in 7 yrs now & they will never. His parents are gone, no friends other than those he works with & they know what he is doing so they tolerate him for work reasons. He lies so much & I have caught him & called him on it doesn't phase him. If he gets money in his hand its gone in a couple hrs. He has taken loans out to pay house bills due to his addictions. our house is pd in full & everything in this home I have either brought it in from my previous home or purchased it with my money. Please I could go on & on,been though just about everything these addictions could bring to the table. Anyone with suggestions on how to ease the pain of walking & not feeling guilty leaving a helpless & lonely soul.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the family countrychic!
This thread is dated from 2009 and some of the posters are no longer active. If you wish to get some great feedback from currently active members, try starting a new thread of your own.
Please make yourself at home by reading, venting and posting as often as needed.
You ask how you can walk away and leave him all alone, right?
By accepting that he is a full grown adult male who is in his current situation because of his own choices. When we remove ourselves from a front row seat in the alcoholic drama ~ it is actually a way of giving our addicts the dignity to find their own solutions.
Keep coming back, we care about you!
This thread is dated from 2009 and some of the posters are no longer active. If you wish to get some great feedback from currently active members, try starting a new thread of your own.
Please make yourself at home by reading, venting and posting as often as needed.
You ask how you can walk away and leave him all alone, right?
By accepting that he is a full grown adult male who is in his current situation because of his own choices. When we remove ourselves from a front row seat in the alcoholic drama ~ it is actually a way of giving our addicts the dignity to find their own solutions.
Keep coming back, we care about you!
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