What have I Done????
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by catlovermi 
:ghug3
One of the things I learned in Al-Anon is that there is a difference between loving yourself and taking care of yourself, and being selfish.
It's all about being the best self you can be - healthy, productive, compassionate. And it starts with self.
Self love, and self care, first. Before we can love and care for others.
CLMI
One of the things I learned in Al-Anon is that there is a difference between loving yourself and taking care of yourself, and being selfish.
It's all about being the best self you can be - healthy, productive, compassionate. And it starts with self.
Self love, and self care, first. Before we can love and care for others.
CLMI
I know I really felt weird and confused about doing something nice for my self at first, and just like you innerpeace, I was stumped for an answer about what I'd like.
Must be common traits of codieism, a lot of people on here have expressed similar feelings.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
InnerPeace,
I don't think that would be a problem for anyone. Certainly not a problem for me. I've done it myself.
Also, have you taken a look at the Stickies at the top of this forum? Especially the one called Classic Reading. You can browse through that one for multiple topics.
I don't think that would be a problem for anyone. Certainly not a problem for me. I've done it myself.
Also, have you taken a look at the Stickies at the top of this forum? Especially the one called Classic Reading. You can browse through that one for multiple topics.
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
I want to thank each one of you for taking the time to respond to my post! It took a lot to write it, but the more I began to interact the easier it has become. I have a lot of wisdom here and I promise that you have not wasted it on deaf ears. I will go home tonight and begin truely trying to understand everything that has been written. Thank you again! You really are wonderful people!
May it be
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: A new day. Today I just see bright colors, in the small world of my dreams.
Posts: 384
I buy a phone card and he calls every night
Some day when you may really!!! want that place to go, you will find that you had it all along. It just has to be something you start... Take baby steps, start not being a supplier of all his needs. My hunch, he will look for another to Latch on to, when he doesn't get all that he wants from you. You will be sad, but remember, Sadly someone else will be in that front row seat to the chaos.
Do you like to read, watch movies, even on a budget, libraries sometimes have movies to lend, find interesting topics online.
Some day when you may really!!! want that place to go, you will find that you had it all along. It just has to be something you start... Take baby steps, start not being a supplier of all his needs. My hunch, he will look for another to Latch on to, when he doesn't get all that he wants from you. You will be sad, but remember, Sadly someone else will be in that front row seat to the chaos.
Do you like to read, watch movies, even on a budget, libraries sometimes have movies to lend, find interesting topics online.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Hi Innerpeace, I am so sorry for the terrible time you have had, and thank God you are here for support and help.
You come across to me as a wonderful caring, moral and ethical woman who is devastated at what has happened to your life since you married this man.
You meant your vows and believed when your AH promised to love, honour and cherish you as his wife, that he meant them also.
Now you know that you were NOT given the truth about his addiction, so you were not making a choice to marry him, based on true facts, but on lies and omissions. This alone would be grounds to annul your marriage in any church including Roman Catholic.
My heart went out to you on reading of how your honeymoon turned into a nightmare of anger and abuse, fueled by his drinking. I cannot imagine how bewildered, hurt and upset you must have been in going thru this.
I actually feel you are not his wife, so much as a hostage to his need for his own personal enabler, and scapegoat. His actions do not show any love or respect for you, and his words since getting sober sound like lures to keep you hooked on him.
He knows you take your vows seriously, and that you have a deep faith in God, and he is using these values to keep you in his control.
He does not need someone to get sober for, he only needs to want it for himself.
He is blackmailing you into feeling responsible for HIS sobriety, just as he is blackmailing you into feeling responsible for HIM coming to Christ.
Please don't get sucked into his lies and manipulation, and go thru more of the hell that awaits. I think you now know, why his own mother told you to run. You must have grave doubts about it all, or you would not be here.
Do not feel you are a failure if you choose to end with him for good, because you gave your best from the start, but he had nothing to give, as he was already in a relationship.......with his drink. You never stood a chance from the very start, and with all his problems to face, doubt very much any chance of suceeding in future with him.
I am glad you are reading about co-dependance and alcoholism, looking at Alanon meetings and trying to make the decision that seems best for you.
May I suggest that you see a minister or priest of your own church, and tell them exactly what has occurred since your wedding day, and see what their advice may be.
Keep reading, keep posting here, and know so many people care and can support you thru the dark days.
God bless :praying
You come across to me as a wonderful caring, moral and ethical woman who is devastated at what has happened to your life since you married this man.
You meant your vows and believed when your AH promised to love, honour and cherish you as his wife, that he meant them also.
Now you know that you were NOT given the truth about his addiction, so you were not making a choice to marry him, based on true facts, but on lies and omissions. This alone would be grounds to annul your marriage in any church including Roman Catholic.
My heart went out to you on reading of how your honeymoon turned into a nightmare of anger and abuse, fueled by his drinking. I cannot imagine how bewildered, hurt and upset you must have been in going thru this.
I actually feel you are not his wife, so much as a hostage to his need for his own personal enabler, and scapegoat. His actions do not show any love or respect for you, and his words since getting sober sound like lures to keep you hooked on him.
He knows you take your vows seriously, and that you have a deep faith in God, and he is using these values to keep you in his control.
He does not need someone to get sober for, he only needs to want it for himself.
He is blackmailing you into feeling responsible for HIS sobriety, just as he is blackmailing you into feeling responsible for HIM coming to Christ.
Please don't get sucked into his lies and manipulation, and go thru more of the hell that awaits. I think you now know, why his own mother told you to run. You must have grave doubts about it all, or you would not be here.
Do not feel you are a failure if you choose to end with him for good, because you gave your best from the start, but he had nothing to give, as he was already in a relationship.......with his drink. You never stood a chance from the very start, and with all his problems to face, doubt very much any chance of suceeding in future with him.
I am glad you are reading about co-dependance and alcoholism, looking at Alanon meetings and trying to make the decision that seems best for you.
May I suggest that you see a minister or priest of your own church, and tell them exactly what has occurred since your wedding day, and see what their advice may be.
Keep reading, keep posting here, and know so many people care and can support you thru the dark days.
God bless :praying
One Foot in Front of the Other
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 582
Originally Posted by Bernadette
There is no love that tolerates abuse. There is no wedding vow that implies a person can behave abusively towards their partner.
This type of behavior rarely gets better, and frequently escalates.
I respect you for wanting to honor your marriage vows, and can't tell you what to do, but a relationship always works best when vows and promises are honored by both parties. You deserve someone who takes this committment as seriously as you do.
Please keep yourself safe, and be well.
innerpeace~where did you go?
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Georgia
Posts: 25
Jadmac25,
Thanks you so much for your post! I have been feeling anxious since I called the lawyers and told them to proceed with the divorce this morning. Your words have helped calm me. Reassurance that I am doing the right thing is very important to me right now. I am learning that I am VERY Codependant and the need for reassurance is probably one of those traits, but I really do appreciate you taking the time to offer it to me!
Thanks you so much for your post! I have been feeling anxious since I called the lawyers and told them to proceed with the divorce this morning. Your words have helped calm me. Reassurance that I am doing the right thing is very important to me right now. I am learning that I am VERY Codependant and the need for reassurance is probably one of those traits, but I really do appreciate you taking the time to offer it to me!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by innerpeace67
...Reassurance that I am doing the right thing is very important to me right now.
But personally, I definitely think you've made the wisest, and safest decision, given the facts you have presented. Your decision has pointed you onto a pathway that is healthier and less damaging to you, rather than more stressful and more damaging.
It was a loving thing for you to do, for yourself, to keep yourself safe.CLMI
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Innerpeace, in my church (RC), marriage is a contract made between bride and groom and done so before God. The vows spoken are to each other. This marriage contract is made on the basis that you both know all about each other, are free to marry and are not being forced into it.
You didn't really know the man you married, as he was not honest and open with you from the beginning.
He really was not free to marry, as he was head over heels in love with his DOC.
Ask yourself this: Had I known he had a drinking problem, was abusive, controlling, angry, violent and offensive, would I have still married him?
If as I expect, you answer NO, then all you are doing by going for a divorce now, is setting your life straight again, and erasing a marriage that would not have taken place, had you been aware of his true character.
I am thankful you have only had to go thru this for such a short time, and are acting so quickly to get back your life. Some of us have hung on like grim death and damaged ourselves and our kids by doing so.
Right now, why stop at a hair cut? Have a facial, and perhaps a soothing massage as well. You deserve it.
God bless
You didn't really know the man you married, as he was not honest and open with you from the beginning.
He really was not free to marry, as he was head over heels in love with his DOC.
Ask yourself this: Had I known he had a drinking problem, was abusive, controlling, angry, violent and offensive, would I have still married him?
If as I expect, you answer NO, then all you are doing by going for a divorce now, is setting your life straight again, and erasing a marriage that would not have taken place, had you been aware of his true character.
I am thankful you have only had to go thru this for such a short time, and are acting so quickly to get back your life. Some of us have hung on like grim death and damaged ourselves and our kids by doing so.
Right now, why stop at a hair cut? Have a facial, and perhaps a soothing massage as well. You deserve it.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: California
Posts: 51
YES! For me Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior. My prayers are with you Innerpeace. It's appalling what evil is doing to your marriage. But it is evil that is manipulating you and your husband. I only know that Jesus tells us to flee the wrath to come. So, I totally agree with a long separation to see if he is serious about his promises. That means make it LEGAL!! Not just leave town for a while or whatever. Get a court order to have him restrained or ? from coming near you too, this is for your own safety of course. And, very important, get counseling. Can you turn to your church for help? You should be able to get support there. If not, go to another church that preaches the Word of God and gives support to their people. If he is serious he will understand and do what he needs to do. If not he will be fuming mad and who knows what else. Either way you will know you did the right thing. Don't falter. My prayers are with you to stay strong. The enemy of our souls wants to bring you down too. Don't let him have that victory. Pray for God's peace and guidance. I know for sure God does not want you to be in danger.
There is also a Christian Recovery website which is a sister one of this one. You might find some more support there. Christian Recovery Social Network Discussion Forums - Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help/Support
"And do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect"
Romans 12:2
There is also a Christian Recovery website which is a sister one of this one. You might find some more support there. Christian Recovery Social Network Discussion Forums - Alcohol and Drug Addiction Help/Support
"And do not be conformed to this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect"
Romans 12:2
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