innerpeace67

Bookwyrm,

I am sorry that I frustrated you. I didnt mean that I thought I was able to "cure" him with love. I don't really know what I meant to be honest. I am just grabbing at anything I can to explain what is happening. I know in my heart what I mean, but I have a hard time expressing it in words.

Thank you for the book suggestion! I will get it on my lunch hour.

Learn2Live

If he does not accept "the love of Christ" or doesn't even want Christ in his life (which I doubt he does, because that would mean he'd have to stop drinking, drugging, etc- but I'm sure he would SAY that he wants Christ in his life, quackquack) YOU can't show him how. Unconditional Love CANNOT cure this or fix this.

innerpeace67

LaTeeDa,

Tough words...but I needed to hear them! You are right! I can make "signs" mean what I want them to mean....nor can I say what "I" think is right is God's will. This is really hard to swallow, but thank you for saying it! It's one thing to read what the othere threads say, its quite another when the answers are directed to ME.

innerpeace67

Learn2live,

You are right! He HAS promised to go to church with me and do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. Thats where part of the guilt is. How can I reject him if he is reaching out to Christ. Isn't Christ the HP ya'll are refferring to?

Learn2Live

InnerPeace, we are not frustrated with you or mad at you or anything. We care about you and believe it or not, we love you, and we don't want you to go down the same path we ALL have so many times and for so many years. :ghug2

It is difficult for us, isn't it? Because we have so much love to share, and we just want to help others. But in the end, we can't help others. We can only help ourselves.

God DOES have a plan for this man, doesn't he? And does God need you to implement this plan? No. God does not work that way, does he? Remember the story of Job? All the things he went through, all the suffering? And his three friends came to "help" him and what happened? They could not help him but actually made it WORSE for Job. In the end, only God could make it stop and "fix" Job and his life. It is the same with us.

Walk away honey. As hard as it seems to do this, the longer you wait to walk away, the harder and more painful it will get. Let Go and Let God.

Learn2Live

InnerPeace, Yes, Christ can be a person's Higher Power. Everyone has to decide who his Higher Power is for himself.

Of course he has promised to go to church with you and do whatever it takes to make the marriage work. THEY ALL DO. Because that is what they know WE want them to do.

What "they" do is (very easily) figure out what YOU want and then promise to do those things. They do it to everyone in their lives, their families, their wives, etc. Then, they just do what THEY want. Sometimes they will go to church with you, but they never really do quit.

You are offering up YOUR solution to what you think is HIS problem. Even as a spouse, that is not YOUR responsibility. It is not between YOU and this person. It is between HIM and his Higher Power. I'm no mindreader but addiction is known as a Spiritual Disease--meaning he HAS no Higher Power.

By getting back to your own life, you are not rejecting him. You are simply allowing him to live his own life the way he chooses it and choosing not to live your life that way.

Honey, Christ does NOT want you to feel guilty. He knows it is not your job to save this man. Christ knows it is HIS job. Right?

innerpeace67

Learn2live,

WOW! I have never looked at it from that perspective! I always took helpmeet to mean that I was there to "help meet" his needs. I understand that each person has to have his own relationship with Christ and I cant force him to do anything. I just never looked at it that I was not responsible to show him the way. Hmmmmm....

ANEWAUGUST

Innerpeace.....

If you aren't ready to throw in the towel, why not at least give yourself some time?

Why do you have to tell him you are staying with him or not right now?

His actions speak to his having a multitude of problems to overcome.

You feel blindsided and then pressured into making a decision.

Take some time, apart. See what actions he puts into place, and start some recovery work of your own.

Process all you have learned about him, what you are learning about him, and what you are learning about yourself.

My gut says to tell you to run Innerpeace run...

But...that is your decision to make.

innerpeace67

I'm really not sure why he is pressuring me to make a decision RIGHT NOW. He asks me at the beginning of every conversation if I have made up my mind. The he asks if I am going to stick by my word and honor my marriage vows. But he DOES press for an answer.

I am having to sell my house and he is adamant that I move over to his apartment at his mothers. It is in the next county over, but my youngest son is a senior and I promised him he wouldnt have to leave his school. My husband is telling me to let him go live with my mother (who is in the same county as I am) where my other older children have moved to be closer to college. My family is telling me thay I keep choosing him at their expense. He is my husband...isnt that what I am supposed to do? I would only have to pay electric at the apt, but my family says that he is trying to get me to his mothers and under them. It is so frustrating trying to please my family and and my husband at the same time!

I feel soooo much pressure! I am thinking of withdrawing from my night classes....this is all jut toooo much!

ANEWAUGUST

He is putting pressure on you because he can. It could be as simple as, telling him you aren't going to discuss the staying/leaving situation with him until you have some time to think.

Standing by your man as he endangers your life, is quite frankly crap. You need to care about yourself enough that you wouldn't let anyone ever do that to you, let along your husband.

You have been married two months, and he has been in jail two weeks...thats a 25% of the time you were married, not including your disasterous honeymoon. Let his actions, his walk determine what you do., not his words.

Him being adamant about a topic, pressuring you, addictions, and temper amount to alot of "stuff" that he needs to deal with. He is a sick man, a very sick man.

What marriage vows has he honored????None...he hasn't even honored you with humane treatment.

Think of yourself, and your children. Your son is a senior., he may only have one more year home with you before going to college. Pour your love and energy into that, and loving yourself..you are worth it!

Why don't you not talk to him for a bit and not visit him for a bit...take a breather, and
gather some perspective and innerpeace.

innerpeace67

He keeps saying that the Lord sent me to him and he has finally found someone who is worth getting straight for. What if he goes back because I dont stay with him? I buy a phone card and he calls every night and I visit him on Wednesday nights. I am not sure if he or I could handle not talking.

I am seeing that I am too emotionally dependent on him. you are right about some space. I will talk to him tonight and tell him that I just need some breathing room to take all of this in.

There are so many posts on here with great insight that I really do need to take some alone time and go thru them one by one and really let them sink in!

Chrysalis123

One of the hardest things I had to come to grips with in my 18 year relationship with my XAH was that he was an abusive man.

He never hit me. And that is what confused me. I thought abuser meant physical abuse only. I was wrong.

My XAH was an emotional/psychological abuser. He is as master manipulator, con-man, and liar. His specialty..lies of omission. He bullied me psychologically methodically beating me down over the years. He knew exactly what to say to get his way.

A read a book called , "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft and it was riveting to me. Another book, "Women that Love too Much" .

I wish for you more sense than I had. Separate from him for a time. It doesn't have to be forever you know. Perhaps he will show you for atrleast a year that he is actively working a recovery program...seeing counselors, attending meeting, going to church.... and then possibly trying again.

ANEWAUGUST

(((Innerpeace)))

You know his statement about the Lord sending you to him, sounds just like a hook, that is playing upon you, and your faith. The Lord doesn't want you in harms way, nor, does he want you to be treated like trash.

If you and he cannot handle not talking, it sounds like this is a very unhealthy situation. If you truly love, cherish and care for someone you treat them with tenderness, kindness and respect. It has absolutely nothing to do with talking to them everyday.

Have you read any of Melodies Beatties books? Co-Dependent No More is an eye opener for anyone in a relationship where they are emotionally addicted to another person.

If you are destined to share a lifetime with this guy...what is a break going to hurt?

Learn2Live

Quote:

I'm really not sure why he is pressuring me to make a decision RIGHT NOW. He asks me at the beginning of every conversation if I have made up my mind. The he asks if I am going to stick by my word and honor my marriage vows. But he DOES press for an answer.

(1) He's pressuring you because he wants something from you. It doesn't matter to him what YOU want.
(2) He is asking you about sticking to your word and honoring your marriage vows because he knows this is IMPORTANT TO YOU. Your personal values are important to you, therefore he is turning them against your better judgment.

What about HIS marriage vows? Has he honored them in the past two months?

Addicts and alcoholics do these things to people in their lives. This causes panic and chaos and confusion. We become crazy and we become sick. It does not stop. It only grows bigger and Bigger and BIGGER.

Why do you have to sell your house?

Do YOU want to sell your house?

Do YOU want to live in his apartment at his mothers?

Do YOU want to break your promise to your son?

Do YOU want to inconvenience YOUR mother and other family?

Quote:

It is so frustrating trying to please my family and and my husband at the same time!

Do you think YOUR focus should be YOU and want YOU want and need? And NOT what everybody else wants and needs?

Quote:

I am thinking of withdrawing from my night classes....this is all jut toooo much!

See? You're married to this person only 2 months and already you are giving up YOUR education.

Quote:

He is my husband...isnt that what I am supposed to do?

He is NOT YOUR husband. Stop thinking in these terms. He is a person that you married. That is all. You do not own him, he is not yours, and neither are you HIS wife. You are a grown adult who needs to make her own decisions about her own life.

LaTeeDa

He doesn't need you (or anyone else) to 'get straight for.' He needs you (or another enabler) to keep doing what he's doing. If he wanted to 'get straight' he would have done it already.

He will 'go back' whether you stay with him or not. Until he is ready to change. There is nothing you can do to make that happen. He is feeding your ego in order to keep you around. He NEEDS you because addicts NEED enablers. It really has nothing to do with love.

L

atalose

How about looking at that as a sign that no everything is not alright.

It sounds like you rushed into marrying someone you didn’t even know….very codependent behavior…….I’m sure your kids are on the right track with them recognizing “your” empty nest and codependency issues of needing someone to take care of.

His own mother, someone who knows him far better then anyone else in this whole world, told you to run!!

You are getting tremendous feedback here with truths and with realities and often, two of the hardest things for us codies to accept.

He is pressuring you because he can, he is pressuring you so he can feel relief and assurance that his enabler will still be available to him when he gets of jail. He’s using guilt and manipulating you, making you feel responsible for him and using the Lord as his weapon.

What is your son’s reaction to all of this happening around him? This is a year your son should be enjoying his last year of school, not dealing with addiction, jail, moving and everything else.

I am as subborn as you can get, if someone told me that car has 2 airbags, I would need to drive into a brick wall to see em for myself.

What I have learned here is this: nothing that anyone has ever said to me changed me, what I understood did.

Learn as much as you can about addiction!!!!!!!

TakingCharge999

Dear innerpeace

I am glad you have time to consider your options and think about who really matters here, you and the kids



Confusion is mostly the result of magical thinking. Reality is not very confusing at all.

for that one, LaTeeDa. It is so true, reality is not confusing AT ALL.

tjp613

Hi Inner Peace,

I hear very clearly that you don't want a 'failed marriage' and many women do choose to stay with their addict/abuser for their own reasons, most of which we just can't understand here on the outside. I do hope that you will consider carefully the experience and wisdom of all these fine people as you make your decisions. After all, this is YOUR life and only you can decide what is best for you.

One thing, however, that I'd like to pass along to you is that I work for my city's domestic abuse hotline and know a little bit about this subject. With the limited amount of information you've provided it does sound like he possesses many of the classic characteristics of an abuser. Sometimes victims don't recognize symptoms of abuse because they start off so subtly. But just like addiction, the symptoms always get worse (without intervention) and the abuse intensifies.

I would just like to ask you to PLEASE GET EDUCATED about the signs and symptoms of domestic abuse, read more about the "Cycle of Abuse", and take a few precautions as listed below to ensure your safety as much as possible. Please keep the phone numbers printed below with you and NEVER HESITATE to call 9-1-1 if you feel you are in danger at any time. Call the hotlines below at any time you just feel the need to talk or you are unsure what you should do next.

Here is a brief article with some information you need to know. I wish you the very best. Please stay safe.



Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help
By Mayo Clinic staff

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Original Article:Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help: In Depth - MayoClinic.com
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Domestic violence against women: Recognize patterns, seek help

Domestic violence is a serious threat for many women. Know the signs of an abusive relationship and how to leave a dangerous situation.

By Mayo Clinic staff

Your partner apologizes and says the hurtful behavior won't happen again — but you fear it will. At times you wonder whether you're imagining the abuse, yet the emotional or physical pain you feel is real. If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing domestic violence.

Recognize domestic violence

Domestic violence — also called domestic abuse, battering or intimate partner violence — occurs between people in an intimate relationship. Domestic violence can take many forms, including emotional, sexual and physical abuse. Men are sometimes abused by partners, but domestic violence is most often directed toward women. Domestic violence can happen in heterosexual or homosexual relationships.

It may not be easy to identify domestic violence at first. While some relationships are clearly abusive from the outset, abuse often starts subtly and gets worse over time. You may be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a relationship with someone who:

• Calls you names, insults you or puts you down
• Prevents you from going to work or school
• Stops you from seeing family members or friends
• Tries to control how you spend money, where you go or what you wear
• Acts jealous or possessive or constantly accuses you of being unfaithful
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs
• Threatens you with violence or a weapon
• Hits, kicks, shoves, slaps, chokes or otherwise hurts you, your children or your pets
• Forces you to have sex or engage in sexual acts against your will
• Blames you for his or her violent behavior or tells you that you deserve it
• You may also be experiencing domestic violence if you're in a lesbian relationship with someone who:
  
• Threatens to tell friends, family, colleagues or community members your sexual orientation or gender identity
• Tells you that authorities won't help a homosexual, bisexual or transgendered person
• Tells you that leaving the relationship means you're admitting that homosexual relationships are deviant
• Tells you that abuse is a normal part of homosexual relationships or that domestic violence can't occur in homosexual relationships
• Justifies abuse by telling you that you're not "really" homosexual, bisexual or transgender
• Says women can't be violent
• Portrays the violence as mutual and consensual
• Depicts the abuse as part of a sadomasochistic activity
• Pregnancy, children and domestic violence

Sometimes domestic violence begins — or increases — during pregnancy. During this perilous time, your health and the baby's health are at risk. The danger continues after the baby is born. Even if your child isn't abused, simply witnessing domestic violence can be harmful. Children who grow up in abusive homes are more likely to be abused and have behavioral problems than are other children. As adults, they're more likely to become abusers or think abuse is a normal part of a relationship. You may worry that seeking help will further endanger you and your child or that it may break up your family, but it's the best way to protect your child — and yourself.

Break the cycle
If you're in an abusive situation, you may recognize this pattern:

• Your abuser threatens violence.
• Your abuser strikes.
• Your abuser apologizes, promises to change and offers gifts.
• The cycle repeats itself.

Typically the violence becomes more frequent and severe over time.

The longer you stay in an abusive relationship, the greater the toll on your self-esteem. You may become depressed and anxious. You may begin to doubt your ability to take care of yourself or wonder if the abuse is your fault. You may feel helpless or paralyzed. Still, the only way to break the cycle of domestic violence is to take action — and the sooner the better.

Start by telling someone about the abuse, whether it's a friend, relative, doctor or other close contact. At first, you may find it hard to talk about the abuse. But you'll also likely feel relief and receive much-needed support.

Create a safety plan
Leaving an abuser can be dangerous. Consider taking these steps:

• Call a women's shelter or domestic violence hotline for advice. Make the call at a safe time — when the abuser is not around — or from a friend's house or other safe location.
• Pack an emergency bag that includes items you'll need when you leave, such as extra clothes and keys. Hide it or leave the bag with a friend or neighbor. Keep important personal papers, money and prescription medications handy so that you can take them with you on short notice.
• Know exactly where you'll go and how you'll get there, even if you have to leave in the middle of the night.

Protect your communication
An abuser may use technology to monitor your telephone and Internet communication and to track your physical location. To maintain your privacy and safety:

• Use cordless phones and cell phones cautiously. Your abuser may intercept calls and listen to your conversations. He or she may check your cell phone to see who has called or texted you. Your abuser also may check billing records to see your complete call history.
• Use your home computer cautiously. Your abuser may use spyware to monitor your e-mails and the Web sites you visit. Consider using a computer at work, the library or at a friend's house to seek help.
• Frequently change your e-mail password. Choose a password that would be impossible for your abuser to guess.
• Clear your viewing history. Follow your browser's instructions to clear any record of Web sites or graphics you've viewed

.

Where to find helpIn an emergency, call 911 — or your local emergency number or your local law enforcement agency. The following resources also can help:

• National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE or 800-799-7233. Call the hotline for crisis intervention and referrals to resources, such as women's shelters.
• Your doctor. Doctors and nurses will treat injuries and may refer you to safe housing and other local resources.
• A local women's shelter or crisis center. Shelters and crisis centers typically provide 24-hour emergency shelter, as well as advice on legal matters and advocacy and support services.
• A counseling or mental health center. Counseling and support groups for women in abusive relationships are available in most communities. Be wary of advice to seek couples or marriage counseling. If violence has escalated to the point that you're afraid, counseling isn't adequate.
• A local court. Your district court can help you obtain a restraining order that legally mandates the abuser to stay away from you or face arrest. Local advocates may be available to help guide you through the process.
• It can be hard to recognize or admit that you're in an abusive relationship — but help is available. Remember, no one deserves to be abused.

harleyd101

InnerPeace, hello and welcome to these boards. You will find a lot here....a lot of good advise, and please pay attention to the words you read. I lurked here for about 2 years until I found the strength to post. I suppose I was looking for someone, ANYONE, to tell me that it was going to be OK, that if I loved him enough, he would get sober. I read and read and read, and didn't find ANYTHING that I thought applied to me and my alcoholic. I thought I was different, that WE were different. I suffered from terminal uniqueness. I suffered on, for another two years, because I thought somehow, I could change him, that I could love him into sobriety. My relationship with my God is just that...mine. I couldn't give that to him, because as most of us know, we have to bottom out (either in active addiction or active co-dependency) before we seek the help of our higher power. This cannot be done for us. I surrendered to God that last day I drank (I am a recovering alcholic). This could not be done for me! I realized that my enabling the ABF was getting in the way of God. If God has a plan for my life, why wouldn't he have a plan for the ABF's? Why did I feel that I knew better than God what was best for this man? We can pray for them, worry over them, frett, plead, bargain, cry, console, enable, belittle, but really, what does that do? Nothing!! They have to want it for themselves!!! They can tell you anything they think you want to hear, (and they do) but it is just words. Actions speak louder than words, ALWAYS. I want to tell you that the best words given to me by another in recovery were these "you are loving him to death, literally". What a smack in the face! I was always there to pick up the pieces, off to another few weeks or months of sobriety, and then the relapse back into active addiction. I was told very early on that you can't relapse if your IN recovery....not AROUND recovery, but in it. I can tell you from experience that it took me a good two years sober before the fog lifted and things started to click for me.

I understand your grief, but please consider the things that are said here. These people are wise beyond my years and understanding, because they know of what they speak. It will ONLY get worse, not better, and there is nothing you can do to make this man want recovery. If anything, you will just prolong the inevitible...there is no magic cure for people who have addictions. It is along road back to reality.

I had to dig deep and sever all lines of comminication, let the man suffer his consequences. This is all I can do to take care of myself, and I leave the rest up to God. I think to myself "God's got him, hands off, not my business". It's hard, and each day brings about new thoughts and feelings. Al-anon is offering me the opportunity to learn new ways of doing things. He doesn't consume my every waking thought....It's like they say, he's addicted to the alcohol and I'm addicted to the alcoholic. I have to treat him as such....an addiction that I need to stay far away from.

God bless you, and please know that we are here for you. Big hugs across the miles!!!

innerpeace67

Do they have places that people like me can check into to be away from everything and learn to focus only on what is good and healty for ME? Like they have treatment centers for addicts? I really feel like I in over my head and just starting to realize that I have only the oxygen left in my lungs and I will need to breath shortly. I am getting anxious and scared I don't have much air left. Do places like this exist, or am I being overly dramatic and need to suck it up?