How do you do it?
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How do you do it?
OK, so if you detatch, and just worrie about you, and things for you go good, how do you handle it when you have to be around such a negitive person all the time. And If I DO do anything for myself, like go to the gym on the way home, I have to hear about How I'm "never home" "I never give him sex" ect (in a depressed Erore type voice) I'm home every night unless I am working overtime. HE'S the one who goes to the BAR almost every night!! All that tends to bring you down no matter HOW hard you try to detatch! How do you get by that???
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Texas
Posts: 178
Detach
When you live with the person it is not easy to detach and even seems imposible at times.
It is like walking on eggs.
I finally left because I could not stand it anymore. Now that I am on my own, detaching seems easier and not having the insanity around all the time is wonderful.
When my ex wants to connect with me, the insanity comes rushing back in me and it does not feel very nice. It reminds me of all the bad days.
I am not saying leave. I am just saying that detaching while still in the chaos is not easy. FOR ME, I could not do it being right there and having a constant reminder of the insanity.
Now that I am without him, I still work on detaching with love . I have serenity and a good life fullof friends and family that loves me and shows me every day.
One day at a time. You will figure out what is best for you and learn to do what you need to.
It is like walking on eggs.
I finally left because I could not stand it anymore. Now that I am on my own, detaching seems easier and not having the insanity around all the time is wonderful.
When my ex wants to connect with me, the insanity comes rushing back in me and it does not feel very nice. It reminds me of all the bad days.
I am not saying leave. I am just saying that detaching while still in the chaos is not easy. FOR ME, I could not do it being right there and having a constant reminder of the insanity.
Now that I am without him, I still work on detaching with love . I have serenity and a good life fullof friends and family that loves me and shows me every day.
One day at a time. You will figure out what is best for you and learn to do what you need to.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
prettywoman,
You reiterated the words that I heard last night at Alanon. Detaching while living with the madness is a very hard thing to do. I'm finding that as well. I try so hard to focus on just me, but the insanity is right there in the room with me all the time. It's hard to break free. Even when I'm not in the same room with it, I feel it following me and searching me out. It's like I can't quite get away from it no matter how hard I try. I know a lot of that is me still trying to figure things out. I am new to recovery and I know I will have a lot of falls along the way and I've heard it can often take a long time before the light really comes on and you can find your serenity.
There was a gentleman at our meeting last night who had such words of wisdom. I long to have his knowledge and to be where he is at, although, he said it took him years and years of going thru what we are going thru to get there.
I'm beginning to figure out that I need to move on and focus on me. I'm learning that our relationship will not and cannot ever be the same. I have to tell him that and offer to him my love and support and let him know I will be there for him if he chooses to go down the path of growth as well. If he doesn't then we may need to separate as the madness will only make it more difficult for me to obtain my growth - I see that now and how I deal with things.
Another thing I learned last night was that alcoholism is a progressive disease that can hinder an alcoholics ability for emotional and intellectual growth. This is why I am not so sure my A will be willing to accept the new me and support me in my recovery journey because it will change the dynamics in our relationship and I will be growing, but he will not. So unless he decides to take the path himself, he will always be frustrated with us and will have expectations of me that I will no longer be able to meet, because I have taken a separate path of recovery.
I am planning on starting the talks about this tomorrow at counseling. We'll see how it goes.
Mamma - hang in there. I can completely relate to what you are going thru. It is very hard to break free when it's right there in your face all the time. Just try to focus on yourself. Educate yourself and keep going to meetings. Meg told me yesterday that when they start talking like that, let them know it's no longer about them, it's about you and your recovery and you are doing what you need to to make yourself a better and healthier person.
Take care and lots of hugs!!
Kitkat
You reiterated the words that I heard last night at Alanon. Detaching while living with the madness is a very hard thing to do. I'm finding that as well. I try so hard to focus on just me, but the insanity is right there in the room with me all the time. It's hard to break free. Even when I'm not in the same room with it, I feel it following me and searching me out. It's like I can't quite get away from it no matter how hard I try. I know a lot of that is me still trying to figure things out. I am new to recovery and I know I will have a lot of falls along the way and I've heard it can often take a long time before the light really comes on and you can find your serenity.
There was a gentleman at our meeting last night who had such words of wisdom. I long to have his knowledge and to be where he is at, although, he said it took him years and years of going thru what we are going thru to get there.
I'm beginning to figure out that I need to move on and focus on me. I'm learning that our relationship will not and cannot ever be the same. I have to tell him that and offer to him my love and support and let him know I will be there for him if he chooses to go down the path of growth as well. If he doesn't then we may need to separate as the madness will only make it more difficult for me to obtain my growth - I see that now and how I deal with things.
Another thing I learned last night was that alcoholism is a progressive disease that can hinder an alcoholics ability for emotional and intellectual growth. This is why I am not so sure my A will be willing to accept the new me and support me in my recovery journey because it will change the dynamics in our relationship and I will be growing, but he will not. So unless he decides to take the path himself, he will always be frustrated with us and will have expectations of me that I will no longer be able to meet, because I have taken a separate path of recovery.
I am planning on starting the talks about this tomorrow at counseling. We'll see how it goes.
Mamma - hang in there. I can completely relate to what you are going thru. It is very hard to break free when it's right there in your face all the time. Just try to focus on yourself. Educate yourself and keep going to meetings. Meg told me yesterday that when they start talking like that, let them know it's no longer about them, it's about you and your recovery and you are doing what you need to to make yourself a better and healthier person.
Take care and lots of hugs!!
Kitkat
Member
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: between the lakes
Posts: 60
It helps to be very busy.
I found that while living with craziness the best thing I could do for myself and my kids was to stay busy (and gone!) a lot of the time. I went back to grad school and began yoga classes (a GREAT stress reliever), enrolled my toddler in a co-op nursery where I had to participate (and it was an easy out any day that I needed to leave--"hey sorry, Jared has school"--I think he thought I worked there way more than I did!) My daughter got involved in creative dance and swimming, and we all took art classes. I always was busy and could not focus on watching him destroy his life. The day my daughter won her first gold in swimming he was nowhere around and he regrets that so deeply that he cannot even watch the video.
One particularly rough binge, I packed up the kids and headed out to visit a friend in Orlando for two weeks. Just left him a note we were going on vacation!
There's a bonus to it too. My kids and I are healthier and more well-rounded than we would have been. They were never exposed to the distant drugging daddy---and I actually think he became jealous of our lives. One of my adjustments that I am now working on in counseling is allowing him back in our lives--it isn't easy and I'm so hesitant to trust him in our lives again.
One particularly rough binge, I packed up the kids and headed out to visit a friend in Orlando for two weeks. Just left him a note we were going on vacation!
There's a bonus to it too. My kids and I are healthier and more well-rounded than we would have been. They were never exposed to the distant drugging daddy---and I actually think he became jealous of our lives. One of my adjustments that I am now working on in counseling is allowing him back in our lives--it isn't easy and I'm so hesitant to trust him in our lives again.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Iowa USA
Posts: 102
sadness, too
All this discussion is helpful, though I am not really getting there just yet -
It is the negativity plus the sadness, too. My A is kind and loving inside his addictive self. He seems truly disappointed in himself for being an A. He is pretty sure he is just going to die of it, after a while. He is so sad that my life is the way it is because of him. Sad, sad, sad. I was thinking just last weekend, all this doom and gloom all the time, is this really necessary?
I speak truths to him sometimes and it hurts his feelings and then I feel bad that I hurt his feelings. Hmm, it occurs to me just now - he is not taking responsibility for creating the situation, he is just feeling sad that we are in it ... I don't know.
I don't have answers, just a comment, I know how you are feeling. I will keep reading here, though, I have had some growth.
It is the negativity plus the sadness, too. My A is kind and loving inside his addictive self. He seems truly disappointed in himself for being an A. He is pretty sure he is just going to die of it, after a while. He is so sad that my life is the way it is because of him. Sad, sad, sad. I was thinking just last weekend, all this doom and gloom all the time, is this really necessary?
I speak truths to him sometimes and it hurts his feelings and then I feel bad that I hurt his feelings. Hmm, it occurs to me just now - he is not taking responsibility for creating the situation, he is just feeling sad that we are in it ... I don't know.
I don't have answers, just a comment, I know how you are feeling. I will keep reading here, though, I have had some growth.
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
Hi Mama,
I can only tell you what has worked for me
I still live with my AH, and the moods, at times, are like nails on a chalkboard... I cringe when I hear him bitching at me, yet I cannot make him stop.
So, I resist all temptation to react, and I walk away.
He sometimes yells, calls me names - but I keep walking. When the tension in the air is gone, I will bring up the topic of conversation and we discuss it rationally. The thing is, if you play into HIS behavior, you are are risk for falling back into the "game".
Also, when all I hear from him is negativity, it gets on my last nerve; often I start to feel down and depressed.
A little trick I have taught myself is this: With every negative thing I hear about myself (whether it be from him, or inside my own head), I quickly replace it with something positive - something, anything I can think of.
See, we all have little messages that have been played in our heads for a long time - telling us how INADEQUATE and UNLOVEABLE we are - when we hear these same messages from other people, it can really bring us down.
By replacing the negative with positive, you are creating NEW and healthy messages... eventually you will begin to believe them.
It works for me
Take care
Meg
I can only tell you what has worked for me
I still live with my AH, and the moods, at times, are like nails on a chalkboard... I cringe when I hear him bitching at me, yet I cannot make him stop.
So, I resist all temptation to react, and I walk away.
He sometimes yells, calls me names - but I keep walking. When the tension in the air is gone, I will bring up the topic of conversation and we discuss it rationally. The thing is, if you play into HIS behavior, you are are risk for falling back into the "game".
Also, when all I hear from him is negativity, it gets on my last nerve; often I start to feel down and depressed.
A little trick I have taught myself is this: With every negative thing I hear about myself (whether it be from him, or inside my own head), I quickly replace it with something positive - something, anything I can think of.
See, we all have little messages that have been played in our heads for a long time - telling us how INADEQUATE and UNLOVEABLE we are - when we hear these same messages from other people, it can really bring us down.
By replacing the negative with positive, you are creating NEW and healthy messages... eventually you will begin to believe them.
It works for me
Take care
Meg
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Hi to all of you,
A one liner seems to come to mind......
I'll let it be his/her/their BEHAVIOR NOT MINE! I DO NOT have to go to every fight I am invited to. It's my behavior I CAN change.
So like Meg says I must fill my mind and heart with something possitive....ONLY I have control over what goes on in my head unless I give it away. This is a great time for the slogans of Al-Anon to come into play.
I have them posted all over the place in my house, car and purse just so I'll not get sucked into behaving in a way I'll regret. I EVEN PICTURE A CAN OF BEER INSTEAD OF THE A standing in front of me.....WHY would I argue or try to reason with a can of beer...I wouldn't...so I start repeating "EASY DOES IT" or 'HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?" "LET GO AND LET GOD." It takes a bit of work at first but it's worth it when the storm blows over and I don't have to make amends or have regrets for my behavior.
Hope that helps...
Love and prayers,
A one liner seems to come to mind......
I'll let it be his/her/their BEHAVIOR NOT MINE! I DO NOT have to go to every fight I am invited to. It's my behavior I CAN change.
So like Meg says I must fill my mind and heart with something possitive....ONLY I have control over what goes on in my head unless I give it away. This is a great time for the slogans of Al-Anon to come into play.
I have them posted all over the place in my house, car and purse just so I'll not get sucked into behaving in a way I'll regret. I EVEN PICTURE A CAN OF BEER INSTEAD OF THE A standing in front of me.....WHY would I argue or try to reason with a can of beer...I wouldn't...so I start repeating "EASY DOES IT" or 'HOW IMPORTANT IS IT?" "LET GO AND LET GOD." It takes a bit of work at first but it's worth it when the storm blows over and I don't have to make amends or have regrets for my behavior.
Hope that helps...
Love and prayers,
Learning to love life...
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 529
hey Daffodil,
I like the "Can of beer" image...
Hmmmm, the similarities are uncanny (pardon the pun)
Let's see... They're both full of gas; they both "spew" when shaken (mine does anyway); some can be quite bitter... and WE still think we can CHANGE their taste.... And, neither of them "open up" too easily.
he he... sorry, the image was just too funny - Oh, and ME? Male-bashing?
It simply is not like me - I got carried away and it won't happen again.
Take care guys
Meg
I like the "Can of beer" image...
Hmmmm, the similarities are uncanny (pardon the pun)
Let's see... They're both full of gas; they both "spew" when shaken (mine does anyway); some can be quite bitter... and WE still think we can CHANGE their taste.... And, neither of them "open up" too easily.
he he... sorry, the image was just too funny - Oh, and ME? Male-bashing?
It simply is not like me - I got carried away and it won't happen again.Take care guys
Meg
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
Oh Meg, PLease Just be yourself....I am ROFLOL...I just never thought of the image being that funny before now. I just thought I was a nut trying to reason with the can, when I can't....Then It occured to me WHY would I even want to...
Your verison is much, much more fun.....
"IN AL-ANON TODAY WE CAN LAUGH AT THE SAME THINGS WE USED TO CRY ABOUT....."
Love, ~~A~~
Your verison is much, much more fun.....
"IN AL-ANON TODAY WE CAN LAUGH AT THE SAME THINGS WE USED TO CRY ABOUT....."
Love, ~~A~~
Guest
Posts: n/a
Ha! Ha!
Meg, and Dafadil, Great! Great!!!! Now I will probably have a funny smirk the next time I see my Bottle of Whisky, I mean....my A standing before me!!! Ha! Ha! I will have you to thank! All answers from everyone here are just wonderful, and I will use the info! I feel better already!:thumb
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