My Recovery Starts with (surprise!) ME.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
My Recovery Starts with (surprise!) ME.
I have posted here many times-but lately my RAH has been circling the drain. The difference between now and before? Me. And my recovery that I am finally starting to embrace. It really started on August 24th-our 7th wedding anniversary. My RAH is in a bad place emotionally (unemployed, depressed), and when I found out he had run his checking acct into the red (for the umpteenth time) [I]the morning of our anniversary...[I] things got ugley. My program is saving me and here is how.
I was hurt, angry-you name it when I found out about his account. We had an agreement that he would let me know if he were close (this is old history), and in a nutshell he treated the issue passively instead of letting me know. The bank called that morning. I did not lash out...I said I am very hurt that you would do this considering we had an agreement. I now know I need to remove myself from situations where I climb on the codie cab and take a ride. I took myself to a matinee-and cried like a baby in the back row (no, really, it felt good!). He never came back until 1am that night-
I have planned things and engaged with friends and this past weekend-knowing he was depressed and angry (he has serious anger issues) I went to the mountains with some girlfriends on my swimteam. I called him a few times-he was still depressed and angry. Before I left, I sent him an email (he conveniently was not around before I left to say goodbye-can you say passive aggressive?
). In the email, I said (and this was a first, mind) that I loved him-but I loved myself more and will not engage this way any more. I said I am limited in what I can do, but support you in any healthy way possible. I said (another first), that I was working on Step #3, and must let my HP and God take care of things. I said I choose to live a life full of love...not anger...and deserve someone to love me. I would like for you to love me, I said, but I know I cannot "make" this happen.
Well...(and sorry this is long)...something happened over this past weekend. I returned to someone who is hitting his emotional bottom-and now I think I know what you all mean by hitting rock bottom. We went to the rec center to work out together-he had (what I think) was a panic/anxiety attack. He said he felt overwhelming emotion...we went home-he laid down and he asked me to lay down next to him. He asked me if I wanted him to leave-I said it wasn't my decision-he said he wanted to offer me an easy out-he knows the hell he has caused, etc. I said I am not kicking you out-and what I want-hasn't changed (respect, responsibility, etc.). He was shaking-like he was withdrawing (but he doesn't drink anymore), tearful-really in pain.
Later on, he left a list on my pillow of all of the things he loves about me (they were so kind...I couldn't read them all thru my tears)-and admitted he has to address things head on, and that he has no right to insist I trust him on anything.
I found he was reading his Big Book-it was tagged (meaning he is reading it). Do I think this will last? A-ha! That's for my HP to take care of...because I admit I am powerless...and it's ok for me to be powerless.
The biggest challenge for me is to stay focused on ME (and that recent post here that is now a sticky was perfect timing)...I haven't felt better about me and this is the surprise...I feel free-even though my RAH is trying to figure it all out-I do not feel responsible anymore. I can look at him with healthy compassion...it is truly an amazing and freeing feeling.
Hang in there everyone...and remember recovery starts with YOU.:day6
I was hurt, angry-you name it when I found out about his account. We had an agreement that he would let me know if he were close (this is old history), and in a nutshell he treated the issue passively instead of letting me know. The bank called that morning. I did not lash out...I said I am very hurt that you would do this considering we had an agreement. I now know I need to remove myself from situations where I climb on the codie cab and take a ride. I took myself to a matinee-and cried like a baby in the back row (no, really, it felt good!). He never came back until 1am that night-
I have planned things and engaged with friends and this past weekend-knowing he was depressed and angry (he has serious anger issues) I went to the mountains with some girlfriends on my swimteam. I called him a few times-he was still depressed and angry. Before I left, I sent him an email (he conveniently was not around before I left to say goodbye-can you say passive aggressive?
). In the email, I said (and this was a first, mind) that I loved him-but I loved myself more and will not engage this way any more. I said I am limited in what I can do, but support you in any healthy way possible. I said (another first), that I was working on Step #3, and must let my HP and God take care of things. I said I choose to live a life full of love...not anger...and deserve someone to love me. I would like for you to love me, I said, but I know I cannot "make" this happen.Well...(and sorry this is long)...something happened over this past weekend. I returned to someone who is hitting his emotional bottom-and now I think I know what you all mean by hitting rock bottom. We went to the rec center to work out together-he had (what I think) was a panic/anxiety attack. He said he felt overwhelming emotion...we went home-he laid down and he asked me to lay down next to him. He asked me if I wanted him to leave-I said it wasn't my decision-he said he wanted to offer me an easy out-he knows the hell he has caused, etc. I said I am not kicking you out-and what I want-hasn't changed (respect, responsibility, etc.). He was shaking-like he was withdrawing (but he doesn't drink anymore), tearful-really in pain.
Later on, he left a list on my pillow of all of the things he loves about me (they were so kind...I couldn't read them all thru my tears)-and admitted he has to address things head on, and that he has no right to insist I trust him on anything.
I found he was reading his Big Book-it was tagged (meaning he is reading it). Do I think this will last? A-ha! That's for my HP to take care of...because I admit I am powerless...and it's ok for me to be powerless.
The biggest challenge for me is to stay focused on ME (and that recent post here that is now a sticky was perfect timing)...I haven't felt better about me and this is the surprise...I feel free-even though my RAH is trying to figure it all out-I do not feel responsible anymore. I can look at him with healthy compassion...it is truly an amazing and freeing feeling.
Hang in there everyone...and remember recovery starts with YOU.:day6
What a wonderful post. THANK YOU!
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