I wish I weren't so co-dependent
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Join Date: Jul 2007
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I wish I weren't so co-dependent
My husband (RAH) and I had a talk last night. I inititated it...because he seems so sour towards me, and critical of me. In the conversation I suggested we should go to marriage counseling. He agreed to this. In the conversation, he couldn't help but go into a litany of the things I do or don't do that bother him. I don't have a similar list for him, other than I dont like the way he gets mad at me and either shuts down or rants. So I basically just listened to his complaints and frustrations. When I tried to acknowedge some of it, or defend myself he said he applauds me for recognizing and being willing to try, but that where I fail is in my execution. I was dumbfounded. Unable to respond. Only this mroning am I able to think clearly and say to myself...WTF.
Yeah I am co-dependent and very very sick to take his comments to heart. Today is a new day and I HAVE HAVE HAVE to be stronger than to let those kinds of words define me. What do I as a co-dependent need to do with the fact that my husband, the person who is supposed to be my trusted partner believes I fail at execution (of my life)? This is really painful but I have to emerge from it, and tell myself I am a good person, loved by God and many others, and that as long I try to live an honest, kind and loving life that is good enough. That my kid forgets to lock the door on his way out to school is not a reflection of my worth. But this is where it has gone it seems.
I have to love myself and know that God loves me and that I am OK, and will be OK.
So today I will schedule marriage counseling and I will go to a noon alanon meeting, and I will put in a good days work, and try to set these emotions aside. That is all that is on my To DO list for today. I am really sad about the situation.
Thankfully I can vent here and I appreciate it.
Yeah I am co-dependent and very very sick to take his comments to heart. Today is a new day and I HAVE HAVE HAVE to be stronger than to let those kinds of words define me. What do I as a co-dependent need to do with the fact that my husband, the person who is supposed to be my trusted partner believes I fail at execution (of my life)? This is really painful but I have to emerge from it, and tell myself I am a good person, loved by God and many others, and that as long I try to live an honest, kind and loving life that is good enough. That my kid forgets to lock the door on his way out to school is not a reflection of my worth. But this is where it has gone it seems.
I have to love myself and know that God loves me and that I am OK, and will be OK.
So today I will schedule marriage counseling and I will go to a noon alanon meeting, and I will put in a good days work, and try to set these emotions aside. That is all that is on my To DO list for today. I am really sad about the situation.
Thankfully I can vent here and I appreciate it.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by jehnifer 
Yeah I am co-dependent and very very sick to take his comments to heart. Today is a new day and I HAVE HAVE HAVE to be stronger than to let those kinds of words define me. What do I as a co-dependent need to do with the fact that my husband, the person who is supposed to be my trusted partner believes I fail at execution (of my life)? This is really painful but I have to emerge from it, and tell myself I am a good person, loved by God and many others, and that as long I try to live an honest, kind and loving life that is good enough. That my kid forgets to lock the door on his way out to school is not a reflection of my worth. But this is where it has gone it seems.
I have to love myself and know that God loves me and that I am OK, and will be OK.
So today I will schedule marriage counseling and I will go to a noon alanon meeting, and I will put in a good days work, and try to set these emotions aside. That is all that is on my To DO list for today. I am really sad about the situation.
Thankfully I can vent here and I appreciate it.
Sounds like you have a good day planned.
I believe in you! I believe you can make healthy decisions for yourself too!
I struggled with self-esteem when I began my recovery (still a work in progress). One of the steps I took was to post positive affirmations on my mirror.
One read: I love you and accept you exactly as you are
Another: I approve of me!
I had spent years beating myself down and accepting a low opinion of myself. I was doubting my actions and decisions. Since I had been filling my head with negatives: shoulda done this, coulda done that, etc.... I needed to spend just as much time and energy in saying "I love me and accept me exactly as I am".
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
No advice. I'm in the very same spot. Going to an al-anon meeting today at noon even 
We'll get there - to that spot of worth and love and acceptance. We will, even when it sometimes feels like one step forward, two steps back. :ghug2
We'll get there - to that spot of worth and love and acceptance. We will, even when it sometimes feels like one step forward, two steps back. :ghug2
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Just because he thinks it's his place to take your personal inventory of strenghts and weakness doesn't make it so. In fact, look at the source. You are right to let those things fall away and concern yourself with your own insights and growth.
When he is ready to take his own inventory and share it you can be a good listener. Until then, it's just the excuses he's using to justify his own sour behavior. See it for what it is.
Marriage counselling is a great idea. For him it may be how he intends to validate your faults. For you it's a way to see your RAH through an objective party and decide if the marriage is worth the effort your putting in.
You are loved. You are appreciated. You are so important in this world. This is true every day.
Peace
Alice
When he is ready to take his own inventory and share it you can be a good listener. Until then, it's just the excuses he's using to justify his own sour behavior. See it for what it is.
Marriage counselling is a great idea. For him it may be how he intends to validate your faults. For you it's a way to see your RAH through an objective party and decide if the marriage is worth the effort your putting in.
You are loved. You are appreciated. You are so important in this world. This is true every day.
Peace
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
On 7/20/2009 you posted this:
When my husband blows up at me about this issue he has said things like:
I am too weak to put limits on my daughter
I am stubborn
I am rubbing his nose in it
I tricked him into marrying me
I dragged him to live over on my side of town
And now he says YOU are a failure...
Can you see his cruelty for what it is? Can you imagine your daughter being told the same by a boyfriend/husband? She will look for someone as cruel, delusional and abusive as this man
but then why would you listen to what an alcoholic has to say /// about a SUCCESFUL LIFE? :wtf2
When my husband blows up at me about this issue he has said things like:
I am too weak to put limits on my daughter
I am stubborn
I am rubbing his nose in it
I tricked him into marrying me
I dragged him to live over on my side of town
And now he says YOU are a failure...
Can you see his cruelty for what it is? Can you imagine your daughter being told the same by a boyfriend/husband? She will look for someone as cruel, delusional and abusive as this man
but then why would you listen to what an alcoholic has to say /// about a SUCCESFUL LIFE? :wtf2
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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(((((Jehnifer)))))
Based on the 'actions' you have reported from your AH I see no 'recovery' at all just someone who is still a jerk and just not putting alcohol in his body. He is still 'blaming' others and you in particular as the problem.
I hope you find a MC that is also very familiar with alcoholism, and I also hope you find yourself a therapist or counselor that specialized in addiction.
Yes, you are probably co dependent in that you have tried to keep the peace. In the process he has and is using you as his personal scapegoat and doormat. You are NEITHER OF THOSE.
You are a kind, caring, compassionate human being that deserves respect. Please take care of you. Please get an Al-Anon sponsor and work closely with her. Please also keep an 'emergency' bag packed so that when 'enough is finally enough' you can walk out the door.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
Based on the 'actions' you have reported from your AH I see no 'recovery' at all just someone who is still a jerk and just not putting alcohol in his body. He is still 'blaming' others and you in particular as the problem.
I hope you find a MC that is also very familiar with alcoholism, and I also hope you find yourself a therapist or counselor that specialized in addiction.
Yes, you are probably co dependent in that you have tried to keep the peace. In the process he has and is using you as his personal scapegoat and doormat. You are NEITHER OF THOSE.
You are a kind, caring, compassionate human being that deserves respect. Please take care of you. Please get an Al-Anon sponsor and work closely with her. Please also keep an 'emergency' bag packed so that when 'enough is finally enough' you can walk out the door.
J M H O
Love and hugs,
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Don't Listen To Him
Jehnifer,
Here's what I've learned about this kind of thing.
When a person (That person you are married to) comes down on you about YOUR self and YOUR behavior, he is FINGER-POINTING. That is a very common tactic that people with addiction and alcoholism use to take any and all focus off the addiction/alcoholism and place it on somebody else (YOU).
He chooses you because (1) You're the most convenient person to point his finger at, (2) You listen, and (3) You believe what he says (You're an easy target.)
His sick tactics are working because now you are "admitting" that you are a CoDependent, which means you are seeing yourself as flawed in some way WHICH YOU'RE NOT. Each time you think it, you feel worse and worse about yourself, and the easier it is to believe his TOXIC words.
He's digging your hole and your jumping right in it. Sooner or later, that hole is going to be too deep for you to get out of.
Please understand that CoDependency is defined by your THOUGHTS and your BEHAVIORS, both of which affect your FEELINGS. CoDependency does NOT define who you ARE. Change your thoughts and change your behaviors. Your feelings will follow. Calling yourself "CoDependent" is not helping you.
Jehnifer, honey, take the focus off him, ignore his stupid ideas and words, and focus on you and taking care of yourself. Refuse to participate in his sickness.
:praying
Here's what I've learned about this kind of thing.
When a person (That person you are married to) comes down on you about YOUR self and YOUR behavior, he is FINGER-POINTING. That is a very common tactic that people with addiction and alcoholism use to take any and all focus off the addiction/alcoholism and place it on somebody else (YOU).
He chooses you because (1) You're the most convenient person to point his finger at, (2) You listen, and (3) You believe what he says (You're an easy target.)
His sick tactics are working because now you are "admitting" that you are a CoDependent, which means you are seeing yourself as flawed in some way WHICH YOU'RE NOT. Each time you think it, you feel worse and worse about yourself, and the easier it is to believe his TOXIC words.
He's digging your hole and your jumping right in it. Sooner or later, that hole is going to be too deep for you to get out of.
Please understand that CoDependency is defined by your THOUGHTS and your BEHAVIORS, both of which affect your FEELINGS. CoDependency does NOT define who you ARE. Change your thoughts and change your behaviors. Your feelings will follow. Calling yourself "CoDependent" is not helping you.
Jehnifer, honey, take the focus off him, ignore his stupid ideas and words, and focus on you and taking care of yourself. Refuse to participate in his sickness.
:praying
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: littleton, Colorado
Posts: 146
Jehnifer-
Boy do I know what you are going thru, as my RAH has very similar characteristics and engages in an awfully similar way.
Believe the wisdom here...but know that change will start with you. Part of my recovery is realizing my flaws and owning them; but also listening to someone who is rational. If I am taking advice about my flaws from someone who isn't even rational-that doesn't say much for where I would be in recovery.
Based on what you posted-you seem to have had an "a-ha" moment-and stay in this moment as much as possible. You ARE wonderful just the way you are...
Boy do I know what you are going thru, as my RAH has very similar characteristics and engages in an awfully similar way.
Believe the wisdom here...but know that change will start with you. Part of my recovery is realizing my flaws and owning them; but also listening to someone who is rational. If I am taking advice about my flaws from someone who isn't even rational-that doesn't say much for where I would be in recovery.
Based on what you posted-you seem to have had an "a-ha" moment-and stay in this moment as much as possible. You ARE wonderful just the way you are...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
You all speak such truth and while painful is exactly what I need to hear. It's a process for me. Of coming to understand myself, my wants and needs, and belief enough in myself to follow truth and God rather than other things.
That being said...today...I turn to "feeling sorry" for this man. My compassion brings me to set aside my hurt and anger and feel a desire to give him warmth and make him feel better. He may be broken - he may be taking it out on me but...I find it very difficult to feel ill will toward someone - even though they may be deserving (?) of it? I do not feel comfortable tagging him with names. Even tho others who know my situation are calling it for it is. It's not my nature - it feels like judgment which is exactly what I am suffering from myself - and that is nothing but painful.
Then again, where does that leave me? I will tell you where it leaves me... in this vicious circle of feeling the pain of it, posting about it, talking to freinds about it, losing sleep over it, stewing and trying to address it through making adjustments here and there.
So...what to do...Alanon mtg, sponsor, therapist, marriage cuonseling, and packing the bag. But I have sooo much self doubt - like maybe I am really off base about all of this - like I am perceiving it all in some warped way.
OK <deep breath> giving it to God and praying and being patient for the answers to be revealed to me...
YOU GUYS HELP ME SOOOO MUCH!
That being said...today...I turn to "feeling sorry" for this man. My compassion brings me to set aside my hurt and anger and feel a desire to give him warmth and make him feel better. He may be broken - he may be taking it out on me but...I find it very difficult to feel ill will toward someone - even though they may be deserving (?) of it? I do not feel comfortable tagging him with names. Even tho others who know my situation are calling it for it is. It's not my nature - it feels like judgment which is exactly what I am suffering from myself - and that is nothing but painful.
Then again, where does that leave me? I will tell you where it leaves me... in this vicious circle of feeling the pain of it, posting about it, talking to freinds about it, losing sleep over it, stewing and trying to address it through making adjustments here and there.
So...what to do...Alanon mtg, sponsor, therapist, marriage cuonseling, and packing the bag. But I have sooo much self doubt - like maybe I am really off base about all of this - like I am perceiving it all in some warped way.
OK <deep breath> giving it to God and praying and being patient for the answers to be revealed to me...
YOU GUYS HELP ME SOOOO MUCH!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
You don't need to feel ill will towards him, just accept who and what he really is, but realise this does NOT mean that you need accept his words and actions.
He takes YOUR inventory: don't vex yourself over his words, they are from a man who sees what takes the heat off him looking at himself.
Feel compassionate, but realise this does NOT mean that you have to listen to his hurtful comments, or continue to live with his cockeyed view of YOUR business.
Stop listening to him, and his cruel abuse, know that it is just quacking because he is only putting his own "failures" on to you, thus not having to face the truth of himself.
Stay with your Alanon meetings, sponsor, therapist, and let yourself be enlightened,
tho I don't think any amount of MC will work with the closed mind he has shown so far.
To be honest I feel packing the bag, and leaving him to live with himself, no you to pay out on or lay his faults on, would be a good choice. You can't really work on yourself with him needling you, and he will never face himself while he has you to put apon.
God bless
He takes YOUR inventory: don't vex yourself over his words, they are from a man who sees what takes the heat off him looking at himself.
Feel compassionate, but realise this does NOT mean that you have to listen to his hurtful comments, or continue to live with his cockeyed view of YOUR business.
Stop listening to him, and his cruel abuse, know that it is just quacking because he is only putting his own "failures" on to you, thus not having to face the truth of himself.
Stay with your Alanon meetings, sponsor, therapist, and let yourself be enlightened,
tho I don't think any amount of MC will work with the closed mind he has shown so far.
To be honest I feel packing the bag, and leaving him to live with himself, no you to pay out on or lay his faults on, would be a good choice. You can't really work on yourself with him needling you, and he will never face himself while he has you to put apon.
God bless
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 215
you said: "he will never face himself while he has you to put apon."
So we will attend marriage counseling and see how far we get... with identifying the problem areas and who needs to work on what. And see how it goes. Today I will work in getting strength from God to feel important enough that my needs and wants matter in the equation. Unfortuantely, I feel emotionally (and psychologically) unstable which really makes achieving that a challenge! I do not want to talk to my husband about the vulnerable state that I am in - even though you would think that's what shoudl happen - - because it eventually works against me, enables him to point out that I am the one who's messed up! How messed up is that? I feel guilty for not feeling comfortable confiding in him about our relationship issues, yet also unsafe to do so. CAN ANYONE IDENTIFY WITH THIS?
Thanks for your thoughtful responses everyone. It means so much to me, my friends.
So we will attend marriage counseling and see how far we get... with identifying the problem areas and who needs to work on what. And see how it goes. Today I will work in getting strength from God to feel important enough that my needs and wants matter in the equation. Unfortuantely, I feel emotionally (and psychologically) unstable which really makes achieving that a challenge! I do not want to talk to my husband about the vulnerable state that I am in - even though you would think that's what shoudl happen - - because it eventually works against me, enables him to point out that I am the one who's messed up! How messed up is that? I feel guilty for not feeling comfortable confiding in him about our relationship issues, yet also unsafe to do so. CAN ANYONE IDENTIFY WITH THIS?
Thanks for your thoughtful responses everyone. It means so much to me, my friends.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Yes, I can identify with you for sure! My RAH (very newly recovered) and I are also supposed to be going to marriage counseling. I'm so apprehensive. I feel like if I do this and I still don't want to be married to him I have done every last possible thing and I can walk away without guilt or regret. I'm more then a little worried I'm just fooling myself and it is just more co-dependent denial, or I'm digging myself a deeper hole.
I ordered a book called Emotional Blackmail...When the People in Your life Use Fear; Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You. Has anyone read that? Is it any good?
My RAH is not verbally or physically abusive in anyway but he surely knows how to manipulate me emotionally and has admitted to doing it on purpose. It is such a breach of trust and respect. When he was drinking he was ruthless with it. Hours and hours of hammering away. He does seem to be trying to keep that in check now (and the hours of hammering never happen when he is sober), which is one reason why I've agreed to counseling.
I want to/need to learn about it so that I am no longer so vulnerable to it or can at least see it coming and not react to it ya know? So necessary for all relationships, not just with him.
I ordered a book called Emotional Blackmail...When the People in Your life Use Fear; Obligation and Guilt to Manipulate You. Has anyone read that? Is it any good?
My RAH is not verbally or physically abusive in anyway but he surely knows how to manipulate me emotionally and has admitted to doing it on purpose. It is such a breach of trust and respect. When he was drinking he was ruthless with it. Hours and hours of hammering away. He does seem to be trying to keep that in check now (and the hours of hammering never happen when he is sober), which is one reason why I've agreed to counseling.
I want to/need to learn about it so that I am no longer so vulnerable to it or can at least see it coming and not react to it ya know? So necessary for all relationships, not just with him.
Originally Posted by jehnifer
I do not want to talk to my husband about the vulnerable state that I am in - even though you would think that's what shoudl happen - - because it eventually works against me, enables him to point out that I am the one who's messed up! How messed up is that?
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