Rose56

As some of you know I have been struggling with separating from my AH. This past weekend, my father-in -law came to visit and hubby and FIL drank for three days. It was a tolerable visit - no crisis. But after seeing hubby really drunk, I decided not to let him drive my car when he goes to the bars anymore. Sunday morning, I told him that if he wanted to go to the bar to watch football, I would drive him and he can take a cab home. I thought this was a very reasonable compromise. He did not agree. He said I was trying to give him a hard time. He asked me then if I wanted him to leave. I told him yes. He gathered a few things in a bag and asked me to drive him downtown which I did. Today he called me and I picked him up from downtown.
His plan is to sell the stock in his 401K for a loss and withdraw the money and move out. He says this is his only option. Foolishly I have been trying to reason with him, because I think this is such a mistake. He is not logical.

Why am I having so much trouble, just letting him go, make huge mistakes and get on with his life? Why do I keep holding on? I tried to just let him do it and say nothing, but I couldn't help myself.

Life might be easier without him. I love him. I know he has a disease. Please help me - why can't I just let it go?

worthyoflove

He's pulling your strings! He's blaming you and if you want it (in his mind) your way, then he will leave.

ItsmeAlice

Maybe you're also like I was and not necessarily holding onto him per se but holding onto your way of doing things.

Maybe cashing out the 401k for a loss is the worst way he could go about getting the funds to move out, maybe there are better financial decisions, but they are his decisions and his mistakes to make. Your way is not the only way and may not even be the better way at all.

On the bright side (?), if he makes a bad financial decision that saps him of funds, wouldn't that make it easier for him to hit his bottom?

Just a thought.

Alice

Rose56

Oh boy, how did you know? Yep the happy ending is what I am still wanting. He kept saying the same thing to me - My drinking has nothing to do with you.
I feel sick to my stomach. I have to step away for a bit.

Rose56

OK, So I am putting some of this excellent feedback into practice. Last night AH was very drunk and crying. I went to church class and limited interaction with him. When we spoke today he told me how he felt, like a little boy - not being able to use the car etc. I finally told him that I wanted him to leave because he wants to drink heavily and I don't like it. He said fine, we should just do it before there are hard feelings etc. I said I don't have any hard feelings. I also told him that I don't have an opinion about him cashing in his 401K anymore. He said that everyone tells him he is making a mistake to do that, but he has no choice. I did not mention that he does have choices, he could go live with his dad. But I didn't say that because I am trying not to have an opinion anymore.
So I have been this far before, now I need to do a new thing, I have to follow-thru. To really believe that this is the best thing for me - to let go of this happy ending. And to take a chance that this action is the best thing for me. Lets look at it this way - for 25 years I have tried to make it work, let me try to separate and see if that works better.
I am not the type of person that makes a decision and sticks to it, unfortunately. I second guess myself. May God help me to stick with this. It will not be pleasant or easy. This will be the second hardest thing I have ever done (the hardest thing I ever did was to go back to work when my son was 8 weeks old - the separation was intense and painful).
I am strong, I know I will be fine. I have to let go of being responsible if he will be fine. This step stinks.

wanting

I'm right there with you Rose. I have been holding on the the idea of a happy ending for far too long. I just went no contact 3 days ago and made so much progress just in that short time. But, like you, I am terrible with follow-though. I let myself be sucked into the fact that AH has relapsed since I sent him my no-contact letter. It is HARD. They say one day at a time for a reason! I screwed up, but I am getting back up and resuming no contact. You can do what you need to do! You will step back and see how nice it is to worry about yourself and not be involved and entangled in his problems. You might slip up, but just take it one day at a time and get back up again!

ItsmeAlice

Wow Rose! Good for you!

So you've been this far down the road before, that's okay. What matters now is you have new insight into yourself and you have a resolve to get just that much further this time.

This is a big deal. Stepping back from his decisions and not just biting your tongue about your opinions, but letting them go from you is a revelation.

Opinions are like pollen, their everywhere and not everyone can be around them without it triggering a negative reaction. Letting your own fall away and leaving him to manage on his own will give you freedom.

You are right, you are not responsible for his decision, his future, or whether he gets well or not. He is responsible for all of that.

Be patient with yourself, you're getting there!

Alice

Rose56

Thanks, Alice,
You are right, I am getting one step closer this time. My daily challenge now is to continue to maintain this detachment from his decisions and choices. When I start thinking about this, I gently tell myself to focus on what is good for me. The good news is that I am going away for the weekend with my daughter and that will be a good break from all of this.

Wanting - you are so right, one day at a time, if I slip up, I get back on the horse.
Just for today.......................

boocatgirl

((((((((((((Rose56))))))))))))))) giant hugs for you. Have a great time with your daughter this weekend!

BCG