New here and confused
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 2
New here and confused
Sorry in advance for the very long post but I have been reading the posts here for a while and would really appreciate insights from people with more experience and knowledge than me.
My fiancé came out as an alcoholic about four months ago. We hadn’t been living together for a year (he moved away because of work – although he later told me that he had applied for new jobs in another city because he thought moving would help him make a fresh start). We have been together for more than six years in total, about half of it long-distance. We are both in our early thirties.
I was sad and surprised – but it wasn’t a total surprise because I had started to notice that he drank more than normal when we were together and was even trying to hide evidence of his drinking when I visited him – things like hiding vodka bottles in his laptop bag, or putting empty cans back inside the cardboard six-pack wrapper so I wouldn’t notice he had drunk them. I had confronted him several times about his drinking and he had said that he was drinking too much, but he didn’t think he was an alcoholic.
When he proposed to me (about five months ago) he was very drunk but very sweet and romantic – in retrospect I don’t think I should have accepted, since he had proposed while drunk several times before and I had always said that I wanted him to propose to me sober.
It also turned out that he had managed to hide his excess drinking from me during the three years we lived together – I had seem him drink socially but had no idea that he was secretly drinking vodka at home and hiding the bottles in unused cupboards. He said that his drinking had got steadily worse during the six years we were together but he thinks he had a problem with it even before we were going out. I think it got much worse over the last two years – the last year we lived together, when I thought he was depressed and withdrawn, and then the year he has been living on his own, when he no longer had to hide his drinking from anyway and was lonely too, which I think must have made it worse.
Anyway – after he came out he tried to give up with AA but after managing to stay sober for a few weeks he had a couple of relapses. I went over to visit him with his parents, but he had had another relapse and was too drunk to really communicate with us. After a couple of days – during which he kept drinking on and off - his parents sent him to a residential rehab centre.
He has now been out of rehab for about a month (we are still living in different cities), is back at the AA meetings several times a week, and seems to be doing well. We speak every day and he seems sober and happy – much happier than he was the last time he tried to give up, when he seemed a bit manic. He talks to his sponsor a lot and is working on the twelve steps, and seems very enthusiastic about all the elements of AA. He meets up with people from AA and rehab socially, perhaps more than he meets up with his other friends.
I am going to see him at the end of this month, for the first time since the middle of July – and (if he does not relapse) it may be the first time I will have seen him properly sober in years. We are getting a day’s counselling together from an addiction counsellor as part of his rehab aftercare.
I love him and still want to be engaged to him, and I am really excited to see him getting better. He’s a lovely person and even when he was drunk he was never violent or aggressive or cruel.
But at the same time I know that these are very early days, that recovery is a very long ongoing process and that there will always be the danger of relapses. I also worry that I can’t give him extra pressure by asking him to move back to the same city as me (especially when he is settled into his meetings and relationship with his sponsor), or talking about wedding plans. So in a way I feel as if I am in limbo.
And I don’t want to marry or have children with an active alcoholic, and yet I have no guarantees that he will continue to abstain (except for his telling me he will – he really seems serious and I believe he is, I just don’t know if he will always have the strength).
The other thing that worries me is that I feel I can’t tell my parents, since they would be worried about my going out with/marrying an alcoholic and I am afraid they might judge him. They like him (when he was with them never got drunk – he could stick at a couple of glasses of beer or wine when he had to). He is supposed to be spending Christmas with my family and I am concerned that everyone else drinking will put pressure on them, especially if nobody else knows he has a problem. He says he’ll be fine, that he feels strong now – but because he has relapsed before I am afraid that it could happen again and I don’t want to be the cause of it, or upset my family.
Sorry again for the very long post.
If anyone has any tips or advice I would really appreciate it -I guess what I am wondering is: a) Can he stay sober or at least mostly sober; b) How can I help him stay sober; c) Do I have to tell my family, and if so, when and how; d) Should I even stay with him (the message of so many posts here seems to be - "don't stay with an alcoholic"); and e) should I go to Al-Anon? He is getting so much out of AA, but Al-Anon sounds as if it is more for people whose loved ones are still drinking.
My fiancé came out as an alcoholic about four months ago. We hadn’t been living together for a year (he moved away because of work – although he later told me that he had applied for new jobs in another city because he thought moving would help him make a fresh start). We have been together for more than six years in total, about half of it long-distance. We are both in our early thirties.
I was sad and surprised – but it wasn’t a total surprise because I had started to notice that he drank more than normal when we were together and was even trying to hide evidence of his drinking when I visited him – things like hiding vodka bottles in his laptop bag, or putting empty cans back inside the cardboard six-pack wrapper so I wouldn’t notice he had drunk them. I had confronted him several times about his drinking and he had said that he was drinking too much, but he didn’t think he was an alcoholic.
When he proposed to me (about five months ago) he was very drunk but very sweet and romantic – in retrospect I don’t think I should have accepted, since he had proposed while drunk several times before and I had always said that I wanted him to propose to me sober.
It also turned out that he had managed to hide his excess drinking from me during the three years we lived together – I had seem him drink socially but had no idea that he was secretly drinking vodka at home and hiding the bottles in unused cupboards. He said that his drinking had got steadily worse during the six years we were together but he thinks he had a problem with it even before we were going out. I think it got much worse over the last two years – the last year we lived together, when I thought he was depressed and withdrawn, and then the year he has been living on his own, when he no longer had to hide his drinking from anyway and was lonely too, which I think must have made it worse.
Anyway – after he came out he tried to give up with AA but after managing to stay sober for a few weeks he had a couple of relapses. I went over to visit him with his parents, but he had had another relapse and was too drunk to really communicate with us. After a couple of days – during which he kept drinking on and off - his parents sent him to a residential rehab centre.
He has now been out of rehab for about a month (we are still living in different cities), is back at the AA meetings several times a week, and seems to be doing well. We speak every day and he seems sober and happy – much happier than he was the last time he tried to give up, when he seemed a bit manic. He talks to his sponsor a lot and is working on the twelve steps, and seems very enthusiastic about all the elements of AA. He meets up with people from AA and rehab socially, perhaps more than he meets up with his other friends.
I am going to see him at the end of this month, for the first time since the middle of July – and (if he does not relapse) it may be the first time I will have seen him properly sober in years. We are getting a day’s counselling together from an addiction counsellor as part of his rehab aftercare.
I love him and still want to be engaged to him, and I am really excited to see him getting better. He’s a lovely person and even when he was drunk he was never violent or aggressive or cruel.
But at the same time I know that these are very early days, that recovery is a very long ongoing process and that there will always be the danger of relapses. I also worry that I can’t give him extra pressure by asking him to move back to the same city as me (especially when he is settled into his meetings and relationship with his sponsor), or talking about wedding plans. So in a way I feel as if I am in limbo.
And I don’t want to marry or have children with an active alcoholic, and yet I have no guarantees that he will continue to abstain (except for his telling me he will – he really seems serious and I believe he is, I just don’t know if he will always have the strength).
The other thing that worries me is that I feel I can’t tell my parents, since they would be worried about my going out with/marrying an alcoholic and I am afraid they might judge him. They like him (when he was with them never got drunk – he could stick at a couple of glasses of beer or wine when he had to). He is supposed to be spending Christmas with my family and I am concerned that everyone else drinking will put pressure on them, especially if nobody else knows he has a problem. He says he’ll be fine, that he feels strong now – but because he has relapsed before I am afraid that it could happen again and I don’t want to be the cause of it, or upset my family.
Sorry again for the very long post.
If anyone has any tips or advice I would really appreciate it -I guess what I am wondering is: a) Can he stay sober or at least mostly sober; b) How can I help him stay sober; c) Do I have to tell my family, and if so, when and how; d) Should I even stay with him (the message of so many posts here seems to be - "don't stay with an alcoholic"); and e) should I go to Al-Anon? He is getting so much out of AA, but Al-Anon sounds as if it is more for people whose loved ones are still drinking.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family apekatt!
I'm happy your boyfriend has embraced recovery from his addiction. From your post, it appears that he is actively working his program and committed to staying sober. Relapses can and do happen, sometimes. With the tools he learned in rehab, a sponsor, and willingness to take his life back from addiction; he may continue to live a long healthy, sober life.
When you see members recommend running shoes to people involved with alcoholics, we are suggesting that only if the alcoholic is actively drinking and refuses recovery. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse, not better with time.
When alcoholics get sober and begin a program of recovery, they are taking control of their lives. Lives that had been surrendered to their drug of choice. The difference between sobriety and recovery is huge. Sobriety simply means the alcoholic has put down the bottle. When an alcoholic becomes addicted to alcohol, they become emotionally stunted. A bit ******** in the ability to cope with life's stresses. Without recovery work, the sober alcoholic may exhibit all the same behaviors as an active alcoholic. They can throw temper tantrums, manipulate, lie, cheat and carry on as if they were still drinking. (often referred to as dry drunk).
With recovery through AA, counseling, self-help literature, or other programs; alcoholics can be some of the most grounded, centered, hopefilled, and inspiring individuals you hope to spend your day with. There are several examples of that here on this forum.
What can you do to help your friend stay sober? He has to stay sober on his own. You are not powerful enough to cause him to drink, control his drink or cure his drinking. Those are the three C's that are taught through Alanon. Alanon is a 12 step program for friends and family members of alcoholics. You will meet people in Alanon who know what you are going through and they will offer their experience, support and hope.
Just as the three C's suggest, you will not be able to control every situation your boyfriend encounters. Holiday's included. He is equipping himself with the tools he will need to continue his sobriety through AA, rehab and sponsorship.
Keep coming back! We're glad you are here.
I'm happy your boyfriend has embraced recovery from his addiction. From your post, it appears that he is actively working his program and committed to staying sober. Relapses can and do happen, sometimes. With the tools he learned in rehab, a sponsor, and willingness to take his life back from addiction; he may continue to live a long healthy, sober life.
When you see members recommend running shoes to people involved with alcoholics, we are suggesting that only if the alcoholic is actively drinking and refuses recovery. Alcoholism is progressive. It gets worse, not better with time.
When alcoholics get sober and begin a program of recovery, they are taking control of their lives. Lives that had been surrendered to their drug of choice. The difference between sobriety and recovery is huge. Sobriety simply means the alcoholic has put down the bottle. When an alcoholic becomes addicted to alcohol, they become emotionally stunted. A bit ******** in the ability to cope with life's stresses. Without recovery work, the sober alcoholic may exhibit all the same behaviors as an active alcoholic. They can throw temper tantrums, manipulate, lie, cheat and carry on as if they were still drinking. (often referred to as dry drunk).
With recovery through AA, counseling, self-help literature, or other programs; alcoholics can be some of the most grounded, centered, hopefilled, and inspiring individuals you hope to spend your day with. There are several examples of that here on this forum.
What can you do to help your friend stay sober? He has to stay sober on his own. You are not powerful enough to cause him to drink, control his drink or cure his drinking. Those are the three C's that are taught through Alanon. Alanon is a 12 step program for friends and family members of alcoholics. You will meet people in Alanon who know what you are going through and they will offer their experience, support and hope.
Just as the three C's suggest, you will not be able to control every situation your boyfriend encounters. Holiday's included. He is equipping himself with the tools he will need to continue his sobriety through AA, rehab and sponsorship.
Keep coming back! We're glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
My only suggestion is to give yourself plenty of time to find out if he has found lasting sobriety. I often see people suggesting at least a year.
Keep reading and posting. You can find lots of support in here how ever things go.
Keep reading and posting. You can find lots of support in here how ever things go.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hi, I am in the middle of it so to speak so I don't really have the experience to give advice. I am going to al-anon. I plan on staying with that program regardless of if he is drinking or not drinking or if we are married or not married.
Since you mentioned children I guess my suggestion would be to wait with the children even if you do see positive change and get married. Wait long enough to feel very secure in who he is and his recovery. Children add stress to rock solid marriages and stable people much less new marriages and people new to recovery. Also - any decisions made are complicated by a factor of 1000 because there is no longer just you but this little person totally at the mercy of your decisions.
Since you mentioned children I guess my suggestion would be to wait with the children even if you do see positive change and get married. Wait long enough to feel very secure in who he is and his recovery. Children add stress to rock solid marriages and stable people much less new marriages and people new to recovery. Also - any decisions made are complicated by a factor of 1000 because there is no longer just you but this little person totally at the mercy of your decisions.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Southeast, MI
Posts: 17
Also new, also confused
Your post compels me to come forward. I too have spent a lot of time browsing this site. Your situation has many similarities to mine.
My wife recently completed an AR program overseas. I live in the US. We see each twice a year; I visit her during Christmas, and she spends the summers with me. In between those visits we communicate by way of daily phone calls and email.
We have known each other for five years. We fell in love pretty much from the moment we met. While, I was never inclined to believe that destiny reserves that one special person for us, being with her changed my mind. We shared an emotional intimacy that defies description. I sensed her presence and her love despite our long periods of separation. That sense was there from the beginning and while both of us spoke incessantly about how much we loved each other, words were never necessary. She felt from me what I was feeling from her.
She wasn’t drinking when we met, at least as far as I know. She would drink moderately when we would be together, but never to a point of excess. However, during the last 3 years she began binge drinking more and more frequently. She would become loud, obnoxious and confrontational during these binges. Her behavior made everyone around her uncomfortable; they made her look bad, and humiliated me. These events usually occurred when we were with my friends and acquaintances. These events usually ended with her expressing rage and anger toward me that would become violent on occasion. The days following these episodes included long periods of silence until we would talk about what had happened. I always believed, and still do, that we could work through anything together if we talked about it. These conversations were always positive. We would re-commit to one another, and life would be good until the next episode.
I don’t want to portray myself as the long suffering victim here. I made many mistakes in my reactions toward her behavior. I said things that I shouldn’t have said, withdrew emotionally. I never intended to hurt her; I just didn’t a clue about how to deal with these situations. I didn’t know what I was dealing with until this past spring.
She was coming to spend the summer again. However, instead of the excitement and anticipation always present in her tone proceeding these occasions I detected a casualness and hesitation. Our conversations became shorter and shorter. My instincts, usually very good, gnawed at me that something wasn’t right.
Two weeks before she was to arrive I confronted her with what I’d been sensing. I told her that whatever it was I needed to know about it. I didn’t want a surprise when I picked her up at the airport. She pleaded that she didn’t want to discuss it over the phone, but eventually gave in.
She would being staying only two weeks, not the summer as we’d planned. She was entering an alcohol rehab program within 30 days. She had gotten a DUI, lost her license for a year, and her job was in jeopardy if she didn’t enter a program.
My initial reaction was one of relief. My imagination had been torturing me for a month about what might be going on. This news was good on many levels. However, I had difficulty with the fact that she hadn’t been honest with me. I had to drag the truth out of her. She had kept important things from me in the past and I now had a fear that there were more surprises.
I tried every which way to be in a good state of mind when I picked her up at the airport. Picking her up at the airport was always a giddy occasion. However,it was different this time. Doubts about her honesty with me hung on me. I couldn’t shake those concerns. She picked up on my reserved welcome consequently our reunion was uncharacteristically awkward.
When she returned home she entered a 10 day program, to be followed up by a six week program. She would be isolated from family and friends for most of that time. We would not be able to talk at all during the 10 day stint and only briefly, once a week during the six week program.
Her calls were refreshing. She was upbeat, and in good spirits. She told me that she loved and missed me terribly. Everything seemed fine. I couldn’t wait for her to be home. My expectations were high.
When I didn’t get the expected telephone call on the day she was released I called her cell. She was in a car with her sponsor going shopping. She sounded happy, but not particularly excited to hear from me. That was unusual, but I attributed the reaction to being out and becoming re-acclimated to the real world. However, she had the same indifferent tone in her voice during our subsequent conversations. Always very expressive about how she felt, she seems reserved, especially if she was with friends. In the past she would give the phone to her friends so they could meet me. Now she seemed uncomfortable to be talking to me. Any terms of endearment she expressed toward me were generic; not much different than what one might express to a friend, or a pet.
Something was radically different and I needed to know what was going on. When we spoke privately for the first time, I told her what I was sensing. I asked her to tell me if anything had changed between us –knowing what I know now that was a really stupid question. She told me that nothing had changed. She was preoccupied with being and staying sober. That was her focus. She also told me that she didn’t have time to deal with my issues. I would have to work through them myself. Her tone was matter of fact and cold. I was devastated.
Then I did something that in retrospect makes me feel ashamed and stupid. I began to research alcoholism and recovery on the internet. The shame and stupidity were due to the fact that this hadn’t occurred to me until now. Why, didn’t this even cross my mind 8 weeks ago? The answer brought on more shame. My research was motivated by the pain I was in and I wanted to find relief.
Initial motivation aside, I really do want to learn about alcoholism recovery, especially my role where my wife is concerned.
Most of what I’ve read on this site and others is not very encouraging. I want to be there for her, but I get the strong sense, that whether or not I am, doesn’t matter to her. I am really not sure what being there means. I’ve read countless stories of relationships where a spouse is in recovery. These are people who see and touch each other every day. In the majority of posts that I've read hese relationships seem to fail eventually.
I believe that I understand the dynamics at play here. Her sponsor and support group are more important to her than I am. She needs them more than she needs me. They really are there for her. I am 5,000 miles away. I can’t compete with those logistics. How can I be there for her?
She has changed. My question (rhetorical) is does that change include me? At this point it doesn’t. It feels as if I am one of things in her past that she is to avoid. Was I was part of the problem? I’ve told her that there isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do to make her life easier. I thought that through before I told her. I mean it.
I love my wife deeply and I am not going to throw in the towel easily. I am seeking one on one counseling; I don’t think I can handle a group environment right now. I will exhaust all resources available. Yes, I want to feel from her what I once did, but I really do want to be able to be of meaningful support to her.
I could really use some insight, especially from anyone who has had a similar experience -that ended well. My won't talk with me about her meetings, the people in her life now, or what I can do to help her.
Thank you for tolerating this.
bb
My wife recently completed an AR program overseas. I live in the US. We see each twice a year; I visit her during Christmas, and she spends the summers with me. In between those visits we communicate by way of daily phone calls and email.
We have known each other for five years. We fell in love pretty much from the moment we met. While, I was never inclined to believe that destiny reserves that one special person for us, being with her changed my mind. We shared an emotional intimacy that defies description. I sensed her presence and her love despite our long periods of separation. That sense was there from the beginning and while both of us spoke incessantly about how much we loved each other, words were never necessary. She felt from me what I was feeling from her.
She wasn’t drinking when we met, at least as far as I know. She would drink moderately when we would be together, but never to a point of excess. However, during the last 3 years she began binge drinking more and more frequently. She would become loud, obnoxious and confrontational during these binges. Her behavior made everyone around her uncomfortable; they made her look bad, and humiliated me. These events usually occurred when we were with my friends and acquaintances. These events usually ended with her expressing rage and anger toward me that would become violent on occasion. The days following these episodes included long periods of silence until we would talk about what had happened. I always believed, and still do, that we could work through anything together if we talked about it. These conversations were always positive. We would re-commit to one another, and life would be good until the next episode.
I don’t want to portray myself as the long suffering victim here. I made many mistakes in my reactions toward her behavior. I said things that I shouldn’t have said, withdrew emotionally. I never intended to hurt her; I just didn’t a clue about how to deal with these situations. I didn’t know what I was dealing with until this past spring.
She was coming to spend the summer again. However, instead of the excitement and anticipation always present in her tone proceeding these occasions I detected a casualness and hesitation. Our conversations became shorter and shorter. My instincts, usually very good, gnawed at me that something wasn’t right.
Two weeks before she was to arrive I confronted her with what I’d been sensing. I told her that whatever it was I needed to know about it. I didn’t want a surprise when I picked her up at the airport. She pleaded that she didn’t want to discuss it over the phone, but eventually gave in.
She would being staying only two weeks, not the summer as we’d planned. She was entering an alcohol rehab program within 30 days. She had gotten a DUI, lost her license for a year, and her job was in jeopardy if she didn’t enter a program.
My initial reaction was one of relief. My imagination had been torturing me for a month about what might be going on. This news was good on many levels. However, I had difficulty with the fact that she hadn’t been honest with me. I had to drag the truth out of her. She had kept important things from me in the past and I now had a fear that there were more surprises.
I tried every which way to be in a good state of mind when I picked her up at the airport. Picking her up at the airport was always a giddy occasion. However,it was different this time. Doubts about her honesty with me hung on me. I couldn’t shake those concerns. She picked up on my reserved welcome consequently our reunion was uncharacteristically awkward.
When she returned home she entered a 10 day program, to be followed up by a six week program. She would be isolated from family and friends for most of that time. We would not be able to talk at all during the 10 day stint and only briefly, once a week during the six week program.
Her calls were refreshing. She was upbeat, and in good spirits. She told me that she loved and missed me terribly. Everything seemed fine. I couldn’t wait for her to be home. My expectations were high.
When I didn’t get the expected telephone call on the day she was released I called her cell. She was in a car with her sponsor going shopping. She sounded happy, but not particularly excited to hear from me. That was unusual, but I attributed the reaction to being out and becoming re-acclimated to the real world. However, she had the same indifferent tone in her voice during our subsequent conversations. Always very expressive about how she felt, she seems reserved, especially if she was with friends. In the past she would give the phone to her friends so they could meet me. Now she seemed uncomfortable to be talking to me. Any terms of endearment she expressed toward me were generic; not much different than what one might express to a friend, or a pet.
Something was radically different and I needed to know what was going on. When we spoke privately for the first time, I told her what I was sensing. I asked her to tell me if anything had changed between us –knowing what I know now that was a really stupid question. She told me that nothing had changed. She was preoccupied with being and staying sober. That was her focus. She also told me that she didn’t have time to deal with my issues. I would have to work through them myself. Her tone was matter of fact and cold. I was devastated.
Then I did something that in retrospect makes me feel ashamed and stupid. I began to research alcoholism and recovery on the internet. The shame and stupidity were due to the fact that this hadn’t occurred to me until now. Why, didn’t this even cross my mind 8 weeks ago? The answer brought on more shame. My research was motivated by the pain I was in and I wanted to find relief.
Initial motivation aside, I really do want to learn about alcoholism recovery, especially my role where my wife is concerned.
Most of what I’ve read on this site and others is not very encouraging. I want to be there for her, but I get the strong sense, that whether or not I am, doesn’t matter to her. I am really not sure what being there means. I’ve read countless stories of relationships where a spouse is in recovery. These are people who see and touch each other every day. In the majority of posts that I've read hese relationships seem to fail eventually.
I believe that I understand the dynamics at play here. Her sponsor and support group are more important to her than I am. She needs them more than she needs me. They really are there for her. I am 5,000 miles away. I can’t compete with those logistics. How can I be there for her?
She has changed. My question (rhetorical) is does that change include me? At this point it doesn’t. It feels as if I am one of things in her past that she is to avoid. Was I was part of the problem? I’ve told her that there isn’t anything that I wouldn’t do to make her life easier. I thought that through before I told her. I mean it.
I love my wife deeply and I am not going to throw in the towel easily. I am seeking one on one counseling; I don’t think I can handle a group environment right now. I will exhaust all resources available. Yes, I want to feel from her what I once did, but I really do want to be able to be of meaningful support to her.
I could really use some insight, especially from anyone who has had a similar experience -that ended well. My won't talk with me about her meetings, the people in her life now, or what I can do to help her.
Thank you for tolerating this.
bb
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Okay, so if five people post saying their relationship with an A in recovery worked out great, and ten people post saying it didn't work out, you are going to end it? And if the opposite happens and ten people say it worked out great, and five people say it didn't, you're going to give it a shot?
Wouldn't it be great if life came with guarantees? If we could know in advance that our decisions would turn out the way we wanted them to? Unfortunately, it doesn't happen like that. We do the best we can, and then sometimes we have to adjust. Alcoholic or not, life is unpredictable.
The main mistake I made was the proverbial 'putting all my eggs in one basket.' I had a plan, and didn't consider what I would do if that plan didn't work out the way I imagined it.
My therapist once told me that it's not about trusting people, it's about trusting yourself. So, I say, go for it. Make the best effort you can at making it work, but keep in mind that things don't always work out. Can you picture yourself without this other person? Who are you if they are not in your life? Are you able to carry on and be the best you can be, even if things don't work out? What if the fairy-tale doesn't come true? Is life still worth living?
These are the questions I wish I had asked myself years ago. And this is what is meant when those in recovery say 'focus on yourself.' You are a complete and whole person with or without the other in your life. Are you aware of that? Or are you depending on someone else to make you whole? If you are, then you need to look deep inside and figure out why........
L
Wouldn't it be great if life came with guarantees? If we could know in advance that our decisions would turn out the way we wanted them to? Unfortunately, it doesn't happen like that. We do the best we can, and then sometimes we have to adjust. Alcoholic or not, life is unpredictable.
The main mistake I made was the proverbial 'putting all my eggs in one basket.' I had a plan, and didn't consider what I would do if that plan didn't work out the way I imagined it.
My therapist once told me that it's not about trusting people, it's about trusting yourself. So, I say, go for it. Make the best effort you can at making it work, but keep in mind that things don't always work out. Can you picture yourself without this other person? Who are you if they are not in your life? Are you able to carry on and be the best you can be, even if things don't work out? What if the fairy-tale doesn't come true? Is life still worth living?
These are the questions I wish I had asked myself years ago. And this is what is meant when those in recovery say 'focus on yourself.' You are a complete and whole person with or without the other in your life. Are you aware of that? Or are you depending on someone else to make you whole? If you are, then you need to look deep inside and figure out why........
L
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,103
a) No one can answer this question, not even him. That's why they say in AA, "one day at a time." All you can do is watch and see how committed he is to his program of recovery.
I know plenty of people from AA who have stayed sober many years and continue to stay sober, but they usu have to keep going. "It works if you work it", as they say.
b) You can't. His sobriety is in his hands. Just worry about your own recovery from codependency.
c) That's a personal matter-entirely up to you-but you might want to consult with him first.
d) Don't base your decision on other peoples' experiences. This is up to you. Learn as much as you can about what it's like to live with a RAH and focus on your own recovery, and make your decision from there, IMO.
e) Once again, up to you, but I have found it incredibly helpful.
I know plenty of people from AA who have stayed sober many years and continue to stay sober, but they usu have to keep going. "It works if you work it", as they say.
b) You can't. His sobriety is in his hands. Just worry about your own recovery from codependency.
c) That's a personal matter-entirely up to you-but you might want to consult with him first.
d) Don't base your decision on other peoples' experiences. This is up to you. Learn as much as you can about what it's like to live with a RAH and focus on your own recovery, and make your decision from there, IMO.
e) Once again, up to you, but I have found it incredibly helpful.
Originally Posted by apekatt 
a) Can he stay sober or at least mostly sober; b) How can I help him stay sober; c) Do I have to tell my family, and if so, when and how; d) Should I even stay with him (the message of so many posts here seems to be - "don't stay with an alcoholic"); and e) should I go to Al-Anon? He is getting so much out of AA, but Al-Anon sounds as if it is more for people whose loved ones are still drinking.
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