NewChapter

I've been lurking for a while....thanks for the wisdom and support I've already received here. Short history: married 27 years to alcohol abuser. 3rd generation (at least) alcoholic, 3 of his 6 siblings alcoholics/addicts. Last 4-5 years drinking more, away from home more, angry, dismissive, mean to family but "great guy" to all others. Behavior is getting worse and more people are seeing who he really is. I dragged him to marriage counseling for 6 months but the sessions became his time to list his everexpanding list of grievances against me. Marriage counselor suggested he has depression (he says only needs better diet and exercise) and an alcohol problem (he says no, he watches it very closely because he "never wants to have to stop drinking" and that he isn't like his father because "my father was a mean drunk and I am a fun drunk"). He has left the "men of character" in his life behind and is hanging out with men I don't know and barflies at his favorite haunts.

He is convinced that his emptiness inside, his sense of abandonment and his depression are because of me....that I abandoned him, God abandoned him and I "chose the children over him". In fact, after our second son left for college (leaving 2 teenage girls at home), he started acting like an empty nester....out every night, drinking more, etc. Told the girls that if they don't like their relationship with him, it's "Mom's fault because she kept me away from you." We're living in the same house---if he wanted a relationship with them he knew where they slept. I was the only parent they could count on.

Six weeks ago, just before our youngest left for college, he told me "we're done." He told our marriage counselor that if he can get away from me, "after a period of self-loathing" he will be happy. I am struggling with this because it is so clear to everyone that he is suffering, but divorcing me and breaking up our family is not the solution; however, I have gone no contact for the most part over the last month, although living in the same house, and am beginning to feel hopeful, that there may be something better in the future for me. Also remembering red flags from years ago that showed me that I haven't been #1 in his life for a long time, if ever.

So I'm learning that the blaming and attacking behavior goes with this, as well as the extreme denial he is in. Having done all I think I can do, I am making plans to move out, whether he files for divorce right away or not. This holding pattern I'm in still has him running the show, and my stomach hurts when I come home and see his car in the garage. Am I FINALLY on the right track? Thanks for any thoughts you can offer.

Jadmack25

Yes my dear you are finally on the right track, after what must have been such a hell for you. Please don't listen to his hateful words, as they are the ramblings of a tortured and demented alcohol fuelled mind.

It is hard to accept that our marriage or relationship has finished, but trying to hang on to little shreds of it, only drives us as insane as our partner. It is so lonely to be no contact yet in the same house, and serves only to be a source of agony and futile wishing.

You have done more than your share to salvage what he has made unsalvagable, and it is time to move out and move on from his controlling influence. Now is the time for you to think about what you want and need, and plan how you will live in peace and without the hell you have experienced with an old misery.

The more time you spend on getting to know yourself all over again, the less time you have to think or worry over a man who is past your help and has truly lost himself..

Take every new day as a way to expand your care of yourself, to learn something new, something lovely, something that no-one will spoil for you by word or action.

God bless

NewChapter

Thanks so much. A terrible night last night and today just as bad. He saw me packing boxes, asked where I was going, blah, blah, blah. I reminded him that he wants out of the marriage, that I made a vow "in sickness and in health" and am willing to help him through his depression, etc. But I'm not able to help him since I am the cause of all of it (in his mind). He became very angry, said I haven't been a decent wife to him for years, he hasn't filed for divorce because I'm not talking to him (?), but he won't move out of the house until it's final because it's his house, too. So, rather than continue to be stuck in no man's land (which he controls all) and feeling sick when I see him, I decided to go.

VERY ANGRY!! This evening he met with his law partner, who my husband says will "handle it all" because he previously had "forbidden" me to hire an attorney. I have one, by the way. I'm waiting for my husband's email, which will lay out how this will be done. I will immediately forward it to my attorney for his advice. By the way, did I mention I also work in the same law office? UGH!