boocatgirl

I can't find a meeting anywhere, and I could really use my Alanon family right now. My ABF came home for our weekend overnight from rehab smelling of alcohol. I knew something was up when I spoke with him last night. I appreciate that he came clean today, but he wants me to act like nothing happened. Like, what did he say to me, don't be bratty cuz I told him, I need a meeting.

We have a daughter, and she has been looking forward to seeing her daddy. I just feel like I am trapped in this day, like I was trapped when he was living here. I see all the older womens faces in my group, talking about how they did this for 25 years and I don't want to be them in 10 years. How do you spend the night in a rehab facility and nobody knows you were drinking???????????

I am trying not to jump on his @#it, but I am soooooooo deeply disappointed. I was thinking, if this was a friend, would I support them by being understanding? And then I wonder, if I act understanding, will he think this is OK?

I thought we were really getting somewhere, 60 days sober, real communication... Now, I feel like I can't trust him again, and I just want to go hide somewhere. I think he should spend afternoon with our daughter, who has been missing him, and then go back to rehab. I just don't think I can do this today.

Thanks for being here today.

BCG

kv816

I have tried to put the exact same question into words for a long, LONG time. Thank you!!! I too am interested in the answer to this, for all you SR/Alanon pros out there.

It is so hard. I understand where you're coming from and I wish I had words of comfort to help you deal with what you're going through. And I'm sorry that I don't.

I think what's helped me in this situation was to keep my distance. I said in another post about something my xabf did that I approached similar to as if a close friend had done the same thing--simply not my place to comment. But I too felt like perhaps he'd think by not reacting it was okay.

Hang in there. I hope someone will be along soon to give you better thoughts to how they would/have dealt with the same situation.

:ghug3

naive

i think if you act understanding, he will think it is ok.

minimizing a relapse is not a sign of someone who is working a program sincerely.

just because he's in rehab doesn't mean he's in recovery.

all you can do is communicate it is not ok with you and keep on with your own recovery. as you continue, things will shift for you. it takes time.

TakingCharge999

bootcatgirl, I think you are the one who needs to answer that question:

"how do you handle this with love for yourself?"

that means boundaries. what are you willing to put up with? let's say he goes to rehab once again and once again smells of alcohol. is that ok with you?

what is acceptable for you and what is not acceptable for you in a romantic relationship?

are you ok living by the day not knowing if THIS DAY is the one where something snaps and he relapses once again?

for some of the old timers here, i know they put boundaries such as "call me when you've got 1 year, 5 years of solid recovery"

i agree acting understanding will make him think its ok he drank. and also, still being his gf and put up with ALL of what he does, is implicitly saying "its ok you do all that you do. i will still be here"

so its just a matter of you having a very clear list of what you imagine a romantic relation could be and then seeing if what you got matches with that list...........

also, check the ACOA forum adult children of alcoholics... perhaps your daughter is already learning its ok to lie, to be stressed (as you are now) and to arrive smelling funny... guess what kind of "partners" she will choose when she grows up? she is already learning and becoming aware of the dynamics.

your decisions are long lasting - i trust you will put yourself and your daughter first... remember most alcoholics die without hitting any bottom.

hugs!

sandrawg

Whoaaaa! isn't that kind of a harsh thing to say? If I were the OP, this would freak me out, as in "my AH might be the one who dies"...well, her AH might also be one of those who RECOVERS. We never know. And it's not up to her to feel responsible for his bottom.

Is that even true? "Most alcoholics die without hitting any bottom"? Where did that assertion come from?

boocatgirl

Thank you everyone. I really, really appreciate the support today. And what a day it was. After my initial post, I moved my car (that I've been letting him use) and it was full of all of his things. His meds, his bed, his bag with $700 in it (which is a fortune for someone who hasn't worked in forever). It occurred to me that he got kicked out of rehab and hadn't told me yet. When I asked him if he had something to tell me, it all came out.

Well, Naive, you really nailed it. He needs hip surgury now, and the rehab felt that he wasn't focussed enough on his recovery to warrant an in-house. Basically, as you said, not serious enough about his program (hip or no hip). Apparently Wednesday they told him his last day living at the rehab would be Friday... but he could continue on an outpatient basis, if he chose.

I am trying to be a better friend to my AH, allowing him the dignity to make his own mistakes, however, I am also a Co-de through and through, and because now I can't trust him again, I feel I can't allow him to use my car, phone, etc... things he needs to live and get through his doctor appointments, follow up on prospective living accommodations and get past this relapse...slip... whatever you want to call it.

I also recognize that the problem is still his, and TakingCharge, you are right on target as usual, it is my job to set boundaries I can live with to take the best care of my daughter and myself.

I attended an alanon meeting this afternoon and it helped me a lot. For me half of the battle is knowing what I'm dealing with. Today's "Courage to Change" daily talked about acknowledgement, acceptance, and action. Today I give myself time to digest this situation. I don't HAVE to do anything right this minute. I can let myself feel what I need to feel, and take my time to absorb this situation in total. Then I will be ready to make a choice of what action I need to take to be healthy in my recovery.

I have no idea what I am going to do, but for tonight, I am going to let go, and let God... cuz I am too tired to do anything else

Last thing I want to say, when I wrote today, I was having a really rough time and felt completely alone. I hope you folks to know how much each and everyone of your responses today really helped me. Thank you so much for being here for me today.

BCG

laurie6781

Well, let's see.

He has $700 so you can cancel his phone, he can go buy a prepaid one and buy his own minutes, that way he can stay in touch with his doctors etc. He doesn't need a car, there is always the Salvation Army to sleep at, oh and btw they have an EXCELLENT FREE PROGRAM of rehab as long as he follows the rules and doesn't drink or use.

Why should you pay for these things, they are HIS problem not yours.

You smelled alcohol on him, please lock everything of value up and please make your boundaries clear to this man. Father of your child or not, your child does not need to be around someone who is drinking.

He is still LYING to you and only coming clean when you play detective, is this really how you want your life to be?

Maybe you need to do a "PRO and CON" List about staying with him and about stepping back and watching his ACTIONS and not listening to his words. So far from what you have reported his ACTIONS show that nothing has changed.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

AWEDA

Most die without hitting bottom

Yes I believe this to be true, more alcoholics die in this disease than get sober.

TakingCharge999

Just to clarify... I meant my phrase as "it is unfair for bootcatgirl to wish for something that may never even happen"

I agree only God/HP knows if this man will find a bottom but it seems he is nowhere near at the present moment.

Also I should not have generalized... I just talk from my experience but eventhough I have known a handful of people that have decades of solid recovery under their belt here in SR and in AA and life... we need to wake up to this disease reality, for one person that has recovered there are many out there in denial, in the hospital, driving drunk, knowing but feeling hopeless & powerless to do anything about it, or flirting with recovery then relapsing over and over again.

At least from my point of view... its obvious who the winner has been, is and will continue to be... and it is not fair to us to be on the rollercoaster, we can wish them well, hope the best, etc. but from a safe distance... FOR US..

Freedom1990

I completely agree with Laurie.

He was in rehab. They gave him the tools to embrace recovery with. His choice was to drink again.

I like what Dr. Phil says. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

What's his track record showing you?

bluejay6

He is still in control. In control of you, your home, and your life.

He has you in emotional turmoil over his choices, he has you under his thumb because you are afraid of how to talk to him or how to feel about what he is doing, he has your child's young life already one of inconsistency and upset, and you are waiting to see what he will do next before you decide what you will do next.

This is the addict in control. This is exactly how he wants it.

It may take an enormous crisis for you to break free. Maybe he will drive drunk with your child (though you may forgive him, many spouses do). He may have an affair or two or three (and you may forgive him that, many spouses do). Those women in Al-Anon....they spent 25 years "understanding" and what it got them was a drunk in their life calling all the shots.

My opinion is that he is DANGEROUS to your sanity and dangerous to your child's emotional safety and I would NOT allow him to live in your home until he has a full year of recovery and accountable, responsible living.

Bluejay

Iwanttoheal

And that was the choice of those women which is their right and all well and good if there are no children involved.


This is such a raw, sore point with me.

I am a 44 yr old ACAO and normally post on the ACAO board.

Please, never under-estimate the damage that it does living and growing up in an alcoholic home.

My mother enabled my alcoholic father to his death. She is a hard-core codie and to this day is completely unaware of her role. AF died 21 years ago. My brother is a functioning alcoholic, probably in the middle stages of alcoholism. He is divorced from his wife (sensible lady) and my mother is resuming her role of enabler (if she ever left it).

I found the courage two weeks ago to go no contact with my mother and my brother. I'm leaving them both to it. They can sink or swim but they'll do it by themselves without me.

Just a little insight to how alcoholism can spread to the wider family and repeat through the generations.

Looking at your abf's actions is good advice.

Thinking of you, IWTHxxx

boocatgirl

Thank you all...

BlueJay6, my agreement with my A was at least a year on his own after rehab with a job, stable living situation, SOBER, etc. He is in a shelter tonight. I'm sure that is pleasant. He understands that my home is not an option and made a point of letting me know he is trying to take care of his crap. When his money runs out, I expect I will have a different conversation with 'Mr. Hyde'.

Meanwhile, thanks for the 'tough love'. Keep it comin!



Today was a good day, I believe I made good choices, and I hardly hurt a bit.

hugs to everyone!

EvilBunny

It's not true. Studies have shown that just over half of alcoholics recover before they die (at a rate of about 5% per year).

GiveLove

I'm sure we'd be interested in knowing more about these studies. I've not heard of such percentages. Care to cite your sources?

EvilBunny

Here's the findings from Recovery from DSM-IV alcohol dependence: United States, 2001-2002:

"Findings: Of people classified with PPY alcohol dependence, 25.0% were still classified as dependent in the past year; 27.3% were classified as being in partial remission; 11.8% were asymptomatic risk drinkers who demonstrated a pattern of drinking that put them at risk of relapse; 17.7% were low-risk drinkers; and 18.2% were abstainers. Only 25.5% of people with PPY dependence ever received treatment.

Conclusions: There is a substantial level of recovery from alcohol dependence. Information on factors associated with recovery may be useful in targeting appropriate treatment modalities." [Emphasis mine]

So their findings are even more optimistic than the numbers I used (>50% at 5%/year). I got those numbers from the Harvard Mental Health Letter Treatment of Drug Abuse and Addiction, Part III, Vol.12, No. 4.

You can find more if you Google around a bit.

Learn2Live

boocatgirl,

Glad you had a better day today. I am also glad that you have set your boundary that he cannot come back to live in your home. That should help you keep your sanity.

I think the best way you can handle someone else's relapse is to take THE BEST care of yourself and your baby. When it comes to dealing with the BF, I've found that the best way to help them if they contact you, without getting involved, is to just say encouraging words like, "You can do this..." stuff like that. But don't let him suck you into a conversation about anything else. Screaming at them does more harm than good.