Cath1029

I desperately need your ESH, advice, help, etc., right now!!

AH sent me a text asking me to come over tonight. And I'm actually sitting here on the fence about it. I have been feeling so strong, so unbreakable, but here I am wavering and I hate it. I am such a baby still.

Part of me thinks that I can handle it, or even that I can go over there and tell him off and what I think of him. But part of me knows that he really won't listen and that we will just end up in bed, and believe me a sick part of me wants that too. And part of me thinks that if I don't go over there, he will find somebody else to go over there instead. Part of me wants to prove something to myself by going over there, that I am over him and can see right through him. Part of me knows I'm full of s**t though.

Please, if there's anything you can write here, I'm totally listening.

:wtf2

Cowgirl1265

Cath, ask yourself what you stand to gain from seeing him?

Then ask yourself what you stand to lose.

Better yet, write down your answers to the above questions, in list form.

The answer to that question should guide your actions. If forgot if you have a sponsor yet...if you do, call your sponsor if you need help in staying strong and away from him. If not, talk to whomever you can trust to give you wise guidance. Make some other plans if you can. Go to a meeting if you can.

You'll be in my prayers today.

sandrawg

What has he typically done in his past behavior?

Do you honestly thing that if you go over there, anything will have changed from the past?

Remember as long as he is an alcoholic in active addiction, he's incapable of relating to you on any mature emotional level-he will have an ulterior motive and trying to play you.

sandrawg

This may also help: think of him a bottle of booze, cuz that's what he is to you. He's as much your addiction as alcohol is his, and he is just as bad for you as liquor is for him. Just like he needs to turn that booze down, you also need to turn him down.

Learn2Live

Cath, do you have a Higher Power? What does your Higher Power tell you?

GiveLove

I suggest you go back and read your previous posts, Cath. The ones where you were sick, addicted, wanting to die, telling us about your child being dirty and neglected, telling us about your other children whom you have lost because of actions just like the one you're thinking of taking.

This is what you want to go back to? This is what you'd RISK going back to?

Sorry to put it that way, but your own words would be much more effective than any niceties we have to say.

Hope you don't choose that. You have made such good progress toward something way better.

There is NO good whatsoever that can come of responding to him.

NONE.

But it is your choice.

Cath1029

Cr*p, I don't want it to be my choice (lol).

I understand the seriousness of even contemplating something like this. It is like a knee-jerk reaction--almost chemical in a weird way, but in a sick way.

I have nothing to gain, absolutely nothing. The sick part of me is telling me everything would be just fine if I went to see him, but in reality that isn't true.

Please don't think I'm stupid for all of this. Just need some strength.

ETA: Yes, my body is telling me something. I have felt frozen up for the last 20 minutes, had to stop working. That hasn't happened for a few days now. I'm just kinda sitting here feeling anxious. Don't like it.

ItsmeAlice

Who have you phoned? Your sponsor? An Al-Anon contact? Your HP?

I know you heard a couple of his messages and felt detached from them. That's all well and good, but now he's turning up the heat, honey..GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

Delete the message and shut the phone off. No reply from you is all he deserves.

Your drug is calling...are you in any condition to be answering that call...NO WAY!!

Stay where you are safe. Communicate with those who do not want anything from you but what is healthy for you. HE IS NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU!!

This is a test... it is only at test of your Recovery System... had this been a real emergency you would have directed... LOL.

Pass this test, Cath, come one, turn off the phone say really loud and clear so I can hear from far far far away "NO!!!!!" and walk away.

Alice

sandrawg

No one thinks you are stupid, honey. We've all been there.

That also means, we know nothing good can come of it.

Unless and until your AH is on a solid program of sobriety, there's nothing to be gained for you by interacting with him.

Cath1029

Here's how it went down---texting style (lol)

ME: I don't think so, sorry.
HIM: Why?
ME: You turned your back on me when I needed support and made it worse with drunken calls.
HIM: Okay then. I can't change that.
ME: And have no desire to.
HIM: Not begging, sorry.
ME: Thanks for confirming that I was right to say no.
HIM: I'm fine. Just don't want to rehash. Maybe you're not ready to see me then.

That's where it ended. I had nothing else to say, and probably said more than I should have. It was so unsettling to say no to him. Don't even know how I feel right now. All mixed up. I have never done anything like that before. Totally out of my comfort zone. I hated it. I hope I feel proud of myself later on, but not right now.

mermaidgirl

Cath-what may not appear obvious to you right now, is you took care of yourself, not another. This deserves praise from yourself-for yourself. Not easy, but small steps get us where our HP wants us to be.

TakingCharge999

HIM: I'm fine. Just don't want to rehash. Maybe you're not ready to see me then.

:wtf2

:rotfxko

Sorry Cath, this is the Quack of the Day!! "ready"? it is as if he expects you to change your mind later.. what a selfish jerk (sorry)

And if someone else goes with him, whatever Cath, don't think about it, remember anyone unlucky to cross paths with this "man" deserves compassion and will end up feeling the same as you do.

Ehem.. ok back to YOU...

Remember your first drink -your first contact, your first destructive thought- carries ALL your past hurts and more. Don't take that first drink and you will be OK!!

TakingCharge999

Also if you can't block his messages, could you ask a friend or neighbor to delete them for you? I have tried this before and it is WONDERFUL. As someone says here "power is not having to react". Well you do not have to read or listen to anything potentially harming.

sandrawg

I'm not even sure what ya'al said to each other in that text exchange.

It came across to me as:

ME: I don't think so, sorry. (ok, good, you stood your ground...you coulda left it there, but...ok, whatever...)

HIM: Why? (he's expressing surprise cuz he's not used to you denying him)

ME: You turned your back on me when I needed support and made it worse with drunken calls. (You're saying this cuz you're looking for...what? an apology? validation?)

HIM: Okay then. I can't change that. (sounds like a form of denial...that was the past, I can't change it, oh well.)

ME: And have no desire to. (you just had to get a passive aggressive dig at him, eh? I know that feeling!)

HIM: Not begging, sorry. (i.e., "I'm not going to lower myself")

ME: Thanks for confirming that I was right to say no. (yet another passive aggressive remark...)

HIM: I'm fine. Just don't want to rehash. Maybe you're not ready to see me then. (he's trying to save face-let's put this on YOU. Turn it around. "Maybe YOU'RE not ready".)

What did you guys get out of this exchange?

Sounds like you feel pretty regretful about it-regret can teach us; just try to stay away from the guilt

There are narcissistic people who feed off this stuff-I think I read somewhere that there is a high percentage of alcoholics who also have NPD (narcisstic personality disorder). When you engage w/them in any way shape or form whatsoever, even if it's negative, they get off on it. You become their "narcissistic supply." You refuse to engage, you cut off their supply.

I had to do this with a RAH exbf who was verbally and emotionally abusive. Every once in a while he'd try to email me-under the guise of "just chkg to see how you are." I finally put a filter on my email so his msgs would go in the trash.

"

Cath1029

So AH changed his tactics this afternoon and came at me from a different angle. He started "sexting" me and trying to get me to come over just for that.

And it almost worked. But it didn't. I said no. Totally out of my comfort zone and very hard to do, but I did say no.

kotabear

good for you, for standing your ground!

GiveLove

Good for you, lady!!!

The day will come when men who would do things like this ---- try to coerce you into doing things for THEM even though they damage YOU ---- will make you get so mad, and so sick to your stomach, that you'll want to puke. Heck, you'll probably want to puke ON them, you'll get so mad

And we'll all still be here cheering you on when you do get there.

Good for you for overriding the voices of habit with the voices of reason. I know how hard that can be -- but the rewards (in self-esteem and strength) are HUGE.

Ago

look, it's my drug of choice, crack cocaine on two legs, I know it almost killed me and only a few days ago I had a gun in my mouth and I've lost my health, my sanity, my home and my children because of it, but I'm contemplating using it again, well here are the pros and cons:

blah blah he said I said he said I said quack quack quack

Cath if you play with the "Crack Pipe" eventually you will put it in your mouth and smoke it, by responding to his texts you are engaging with your drug of choice, you are toying with the Crack Pipe. Once an addict engages with their drug of choice their decision making process is no longer rational or sane. For an addict to "use" is to die, and he is your gateway drug to a long and slow painful death.

So either get a sponsor, got to 2-3 meetings a day, and use the hell out of the phone to call people that have recovered, and take your life and children back, or keep texting this man, lose your sanity by making an insane decision, and go back to doing what you were doing, except it WILL keep getting worse.

Up to you.

Cath1029

I want out. For real.

Going to a meeting instead. No good could come of anything else.

Freedom1990

Good choice. I know how stinking uncomfortable it is to be out of your comfort zone, but believe me, you will NOT die from the discomfort. I know that for a fact. The more I stepped out of my comfort zone and did what I needed to do for me, the easier it got.