kml16

Hi everyone I am new to this forum. My Mom is a long time alcoholic (73) and my Dad died of complications from alcohol 20 yrs. ago. My Mom has been in a downward spiral for the last three years (car accidents, injuries, etc.) She has been in a treatment program for 2 years through the hospital but they do not teach abstinence. The latest "incident" was last week. I went to pick my Mom up to go to a play and when I got to her house she was drunk. She fell down twice and I told her she would not be coming with me. She wasn't happy about it and said all the usual things like she hates herself, wishes she was dead, doesn't know why she does this, etc. I ended up leaving and that was the last I have heard from her. My sister went to check on her the next day and Mom has a black eye (an eye she just had surgery on a week ago!!) She was doing the bitter why me? speech and nobody has heard from her since. I am trying hard to practice detachment here but as no one has heard from her in 4 days, she is not answering her phone or returning messages I am really worried. Should I go check on her or just wait this out?? Thanks for your time.

ElegantlyWasted

"Should I go check on her or just wait this out??"

My opinion is you need to figure it out yourself, and do for the right reasons. Yes, to the extent that you think you can help her, are not enabling her, and are irrevocably ripping yourself apart to trying to help. To me sounds like in her case "moderation" as was the case for me and many other, is not the best course. Best of luck. I've gotten lots of great advice here. Keep posting and lurking. I learned some great stuff just by randomly clicking on threads.

kml16

Thank you for your reply. I am just torn and it is really stressing me. If something else has happened to her and I haven't gone over I will feel terrible but if I go over and she is just hiding in shame and self pity waiting for us to comfort her and tell her it's okay, then am I enabling her by giving her the attention she wants? The not enabling/detaching can be very complicated. I'm trying my best here but it sure isn't easy!!! If I go check on her to ease my own stress then that seems okay but if she is alright then do I just leave? When there has been a drinking incident do we have to talk about it or do I just go on like nothing happened?

bookwyrm

Only you know the dynamic of the situation and if this something she does a lot. If it were me, I'd go just to check everything was OK. If she was just attention seeking I'd leave fast. If she is accident prone, a quick check on her would give you peace of mind. Does she have any regular visitors? In the UK she could have something like a home help to help her live at home. Is there something like that where you are where there is someone in contact on a regular basis?

laurie6781

WELCOME to Sober Recovery! You have found a great place with lots of Experience, Strength and Hope (ES&H) from those who have been where you are now or are where you are now.

If you and/or your sister do not feel up to doing a check on her at this time, you can call the police and ask for a "wellness check" giving them a bit of the background.

If they find her incapacitated they will have her transported to the hospital for a 'wellness check' by doctors and then you can take it from there. Possibly getting her into a psych check and a decision of whether she is still competent or not and needs to be in 'assisted living' etc

Have you tried counseling or Al-Anon for yourself? Even though it is your mom, either or both will help you to figure out your boundaries, what is and is not acceptable to you, etc

You may not have heard of them but please remember the 3 C's:

You didn't Cause this.

You can't Control this.

You can't Cure this.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing as we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

kml16

I sure appreciate all the replies. I have been in and out of counselling over the years and am giving serious consideration to Al-Anon. When my sister checked on Mom four days ago she did have a black eye. It could have been from the fall when I was there or she may have fallen after I left. As much as it pains me, I guess I will have to go and see if she is okay but I will leave quickly if everything looks alright. The last time something like this happened I ended up calling an ambulance but as she was conscious and is an adult they would only take her if she wanted to go. I am really struggling between worry and anger right now. I can't believe she can do this and then not even return calls to let us know she is okay. However, I need to do what is best for me and will help with my stress level which means going to see for myself how she is. Thanks for letting me talk this through. I'm nervous as heck but know it has to be done. Wish me luck.....

kml16

OMG, I am still wiping my jaw up off the floor..... I decided to phone one more time (no answer) so left a message that Mom should phone to let us know she is okay and if I didn't hear from her by this afternoon that I would be coming over to check on her. She called back right away and the denial was absolutely unbelievable. She is acting like nothing even happened!!! I just reiterated to her that I will have nothing to do with her when she has been drinking. How do we cope with an alcoholics denial?

isurvived

Perhaps fit her with a "lifeline" necklace. If she falls, drunk or sober, and hurts herself - she can press it for help. That takes you off duty, and puts the responsibility in her own court.

At her age, the drinking will accelerate physical problems. Soon she won't be able to live alone, and it may offer her an opportunity to get sober. Many elderly people suffer from depression, and I would imagine this would be even more common with elderly people who have addiction issues.

I know why you feel torn. I kept a close eye on my mom in her late years - she lived nearby - and while she was not an alcoholic, she had falls, accidents in the home. Playing parent to an elderly parent is hard even under normal circumstances.

NewBeginning010

Have you had a full intervention with her? That might be the next best step for you & your family.

Here is the A & E Series that will give you an idea of what to expect.

Intervention - A&E TV

kml16

Yes, there have been many interventions over the years. The most successful was two years ago when she did enter an outpatient recovery program for seniors dealing with substance abuse. However, it only works if you tell the truth. They asked a family member to accompany her to the initial meeting and I was shocked at her answers to some of the questions. It again goes back to denial. She even said after this last major inicident that she had gone to see her counsellor who told Mom that this was a relapse. Don't you have to quit drinking in order to relapse? I don't think switching to vodka counts.... It is so hard to watch her suffer and between her and my Dad (he died 20 years ago from liver failure) I have been dealing with this for over 35 years. It sure doesn't get any easier....

wornout1

Hi kml16, I was raised by June Cleaver, to hear her tell it. I'm the eldest of 4 girls & ended up raising the others. I moved about 150 miles away when I was 28 because I was soooo sick of the game. At that time my sisters were so eaten up with her disease that if I spoke one word of truth, according to them, I was being cruel. 10 years after that I relocated 5,000 miles away because my sisters' cries for help with her would find me speeding down the highway in the middle of the night to run to their rescue. While I was out of the country for 3 years I found myself. I couldn't just jump in the car and go rescue everyone. I got use to that I kind of liked it. I moved back to within 150 miles of "home", and of course the panicked calls resumed. SOOO, I stopped answering the phone. I told my sisters that I was 150 miles away, if someone was dying I couldn't stop it, if someone was all ready dead I couldn't bring them back; and that all problems could wait until the light of day but that I wouldn't be solving any problems, could only lend an ear if they needed it. My mother continued with her drinking, and when my nephew died a few years ago I carried her out to my sisters car from the mortuary & told her that she had to sit down and shut up & STAY there or I would call the police, she complied. She continued harassing me by phone, because afterall, I was responsible for her drinking. Its been 3 years since I've seen her, at the funeral, and about 2 years since I spoke to her on the phone. I told her that she would NOT call me or I would file a harassment suit against her, and that I would gather my sisters and we would sign her into a psychiatric ward. The calls stop, I can sleep at night. I have accepted the fact that I have not had a mother all along & I cannot expect her to suddenly become one. Its more peaceful inside my head, my heart has stopped aching. I cannot save someone who does not want to be saved. Harsh, but, we all do what we have to do.

kml16

Hi Wornout1, I truly admire your strength. I am learning (slowly) that we need to take care of ourselves first and that no matter what we do we can't save these poor souls from their addiction. I am trying to set boundaries and stick to them - it does get easier each time. Thank you so much for your response.

URMYEVERYTHING

Often addicts will go into hiding when they want to use (not answering phones, isolating, disappearing for days, etc. ) because they don't want to hear the lecture from their loved ones. I would say, if days go by and you haven't heard from her do as you did by leaving a message and say that you will send 911 over if you don't hear from her in the next 24 hours. If she calls back, you have your confirmation she is okay. If she doesn't, then send 911 to the house to check on her.

Just to share, my sister is bi-polar with borderline tendencies and often threatens suicide when she is angry with the family (long history and too much too type). She never calls.. always in a text. I use to get so wrapped up in this and would often hunt her down because after she sends the text she turns her phone off and leaves the house. Hours later she will call (drunk) and ask, "What's all the fuss about?" UUGGHH, Bit*H!! Gets me every time. So, now I call 911 when she does it. I don't respond to her text, I don't hunt her down.. I just pray. Sometimes, they are able to locate her by calling her phone or they will go to her house. One time, they bust down her door because she wouldn't answer it. Now, the text messages still happen but every 2 years or so. I guess she has to test the local emergency system out. Anywho, I have learned to detach and I'm not in control of her behaviors, even a suicide (god forbid).

I hope you and your family can find some peace in this situation and some middle ground. Please do take care of yourself. Anxiety and stress will take over.

kml16

Thanks Urmyeverything, it does help to know others understand and that's a great idea about 911. I feel exactly the same way with my Mom when this happens as you do with your sister. I am so worried, thinking the worst has happened only to find out she is fine and acting like nothing happened. It is sooooo frustrating!!! I often wonder if she worries as much about the stress she places on her children as we worry about her well being. Somehow, I think not. I will just keep deep breathing and doing the best that I know how to get through these situations.

wornout1

"often threatens suicide when she is angry with the family "

In this part of the country a documented threat of suicide will get you a mandatory 30 day lock up... documented would be via text, verbally to 2 or more people, or verbally to a public servant or mandated reporter.

My mother knows the system so never threatens suicide. One of my sisters, who lives next door to her, often calls 911 rather than going next door at mother's request. Their family doctor says that he can have her committed with the 911 call documentation but I guess my sisters aren't ready for that yet.

sandrawg

In California, if they commit you for being a harm to yourself and they find out you're an alcoholic, they will also make you undergo treatment for the alcoholism, as well as the depression.