Cath1029

Posted more about this in "Newcomers," but the object of my codependency (AH) is figuratively and literally gone, and I am hurting as badly from the detox as if it were drugs or alcohol.

Some of you already know my story. AH was not good for me. In fact, being with him nearly killed me, but I have been fully and completely addicted to him for the last 3 years. After months and months of trying to break things off with him and continuously going back, now he is the one who says it is over and telling everyone how much better his life is without me. At the very lowest point in my life, he spit on me and left me to rot and did nothing to help me, and yet here I am feeling actual physical pain at him being gone.

It feels like my heart, lungs and guts are being ripped out simultaneously. I can hardly breathe. AH told me he loves me and to give him a call when I am better, but the only way I would really and truly be better was if I had no desire to call him at all. I'm just not there yet.

I'm praying for strength, but don't feel any right now. I have totally focused on this person for such a long time that to stop doing so feels like stopping my heart from beating. I am not even a separate entity at this point from him. I have no idea who I am. Yes, I am going to meetings, but also spending so much time alone with my own diseased mind that wants to drag me down.

I'm not sure what I'm asking of you here. Anything at all would help. Thanks.

Freedom1990

That's exactly how it felt when my ex-fiance walked out on me. I had completely and totally lost myself in yet another relationship, with no identity or sense of self.

I remember collapsing to the floor after he took the engagement ring back and left. I sobbed uncontrollably and then started screaming because it hurt so so so bad.

My codependency/alcoholism/addictions were so deeply intertwined that I couldn't even begin to tackle one without tackling the other first.

You are only 2 days sober, hon.

I wish there was some way you could get into inpatient rehab to start healing, and away from the insanity long enough for the fog to start lifting.

:ghug2 :ghug2

Cath1029

Oh God, that's exactly how it is, Freedom. Exactly!

I don't even know where to start.

I wish I could go to inpatient rehab also. I just can't afford it financially. I am about to be thrown out of my cottage in the next week or so unless I can come up with rent. Because my addictions have gotten in the way of work, it's that bad. But I would so willingly go to rehab if I could.

Doing it all by myself, just seems like I will only get more sick. I see no light at the end of this tunnel.

Freedom1990

I know it doesn't seem like much right now, but you have meetings, people in those meetings, steps that you can start working, hang on to whatever you can right now.

I didn't even know where to start either, and it was only through divine intervention that I did end up in a rehab.

I know you say you can't afford rehab, but there are a lot of places that will work with people. It may be the best investment you ever made in your life.

I know here there is a mental health crisis hotline you can call 24/7 through the mental health center, and they can do an emergency assessment and get someone into treatment. Is that an option for you?

Rehab gave me a good start on the road to recovery, and I never went back to the awful place I called 'home' either when I got out.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers, and please keep posting because I care. :ghug2

Cath1029

I just wrote this message to a friend and wanted to share it because it sums up what I'm feeling exactly at this minute...

************************************************** ***************

I wanted to call with this, but didn't want to interrupt your Saturday again. I'm sorry to be such a pain this week.

I just had one of those moments of clarity where everything clicks into place, and it scared the hell out of me. So many people have said this to me before, but tonight the reality slammed me so hard I lost my breath.

I finally realize that I am as dependent and addicted to _______ as to any hardcore drug. It has been this way for the last 3 years. I am not even a separate entity anymore. I don't know who I am. This horrible addiction has led to addiction to drugs and alcohol and an inability to work or take care of my house or family. I don't even know why I feel the way I do about him. I am so horribly sick.

And ______ is gone, and I am here alone and going through detox and withdrawal that couldn't possibly be any easier than a heroin addict. I'm dealing with addiction and depression and codependency all at the same time and don't know where to start untangling. I wish I could go someplace as an inpatient, but can't afford to do it. I feel like my heart and lungs and guts are being ripped out simultaneously.

OMG, I see it so clearly now. And I am so scared. I have woke up and my world has gone to s**t, and I LET IT HAPPEN! I wish I wasn't here by myself and that somebody understood what I was going through.

Help!

heatherette

hey cath. I know exactly what you are going through and im new to recovery as well. i was codependent on my ex as well as the 5 grams a day of heroin he would let me saturate my veins with. im only 19 years old but i feel like i have a lot to offer other people that are in abusive or overly dependent relationships. it took him and i going to jail to finally wake me up. and im fighting using everyday. i think both of us are in a recovery limbo right now, the most crucial and vulnerable time of recovery. just KEEP GOING TO MEETINGS. they are my life line right now and try to go to meetings where they have a book study those are really cool. about the man forget him this time is your new birth and if he doesnt want to help u through the hardest of times what is through sickness and in health till death do u part. u need to build relationships with others that are in recovery at your meetings. i feel like in i relapse im going to let them down so that helps too. its harder than words i know that first hand because im going through it too but recovery needs to be your new drug of choice go to meetins everyday AND focus on youself. we all are rooting for u. find love within not from somone who doesnt want to be there 4 u.
with love,
heather

Freedom1990

Do you have a Big Book? Do you have phone numbers for any AA members or Alanon members who can get you a Big Book if you don't have one?

I hit my codependent bottom when I was 9 years sober. I can't tell you how many times I read in that Big Book just to get back on track with my sobriety, and then start to address the codependency issues after I had stabilized emotionally and spiritually.

You're not alone, Cath. Your higher power IS there with you even though you may not feel like it.

You've seen light at the end of the tunnel before, but you weren't ready to let go of him yet, and now you're hurting. I understand. We've all slid backwards.

It's not hopeless, I promise! :ghug2

Cath1029

I do have a Big Book. Somebody bought me one at a meeting the other night. I didn't know it talked about codependency. What part in there talks about that? I will read it tonight.

Freedom1990

Cath, let's focus just on staying sober a moment at a time, okay?

Those first 164 pages have contained an answer for every problem I've had in my life. Sometimes I've had to search for it. Sometimes the answer jumps up at me when I'm just reading to be reading.

Just read one page if your mind's too foggy. Underline something that might click with you.

Pick up the phone if you have any numbers.

Isolation has been one of my worst enemies.

I was on the verge of an emotional meltdown the other day, and I literally made myself pick up the phone and call my sponsor.

Sometimes God does what we cannot do for ourselves, and I truly believe that is how I ended up in treatment, where I could begin to heal me.

Your AH has walked away, and I see that as God doing for you what you couldn't do for yourself. God's given you an opportunity to reach out to the hands in AA.

:ghug2 :ghug2

Cath1029

Oh God, I am so sick. I have neglected so many things. Clarity is rolling at me at 100 miles per hour.

I have lost all three of my children.
I have lost my physical health.
I have lost my mental health.
I'm about to lose my home.
I'm close to losing my job.
I have lost my friends.
I haven't taken care of my personal needs.
I have lost myself. I have no idea who I am.

Because of this sickness.

Pelican

The anxiety is hitting hard right now. You're normal, we did this too!

Breathe sweetie, breathe

Deep breaths in and chant: peaceful thoughts in
Slow long exhales and chant: fearful thoughts out

You can do this, we're here for you

Cath1029

I don't like waking up like this.

I don't like the knowledge of all the terrible things I have done in the name of this addiction.

It would kill me if he called right now, but it's killing me that he hasn't called.

God help me, I feel so alone, like the only person this has ever happened to before.

Pelican

This will be hard, but I'm going to suggest you turn off the cell phone.

One second you are overwhelmed with your history.
The next second you are obsessed with AH.
Another second and you are lonely.

Which can you control right now?
You can turn off the phone and not worry about AH. Your worrying will not save him, fix him, bring him around on a white horse with a saddle bag full of cash and a wagon load of promises. Your worrying will add to your anxiety.

Turn off the phone, put it in a drawer. Tell God to keep it for you tonight. Don't take it back from God. Leave it in the drawer overnight.

Right now, focus on you. Let's find something to do tonight if you can't sleep, okay?


Did you know there is an arcade on SR now?

See where your name is at the top right corner of this page?
There is a blue bar below your name that is as wide as the page. It contains
User CP, blogs, search, and in the mid section ARCADE.

Try some games to take your mind of your history, your AH and become an SR champion!

Cath1029

Was able to sleep last night, for which I am grateful, and no calls or texts; however, I awoke to massive anxiety and panic. I am proud of myself for not using last night and for not trying to contact AH in any way, but it was such a hard day and I dread having to go through it all over again today.

My cottage is a wreck, I need to go to the laundromat, I have to work today. But I am frozen in one spot and it all seems overwhelming.

I also have to go to the church that is supposed to be helping me, sit through the service and then talk to the person in charge of the benevolence department to see if I can save my cottage. Really, it's the last thing I want to do right now. They are going to ask me what I have done to try and earn extra money, but it's been hard enough to maintain the job that I have and get to a meeting a day and try to remember to eat, sleep and breathe.

I tried to read a little, pray a little, think about steps 1-3. I just wish I could feel some peace and calm.

Pelican

I'm glad you were able to get some sleep. Your body needs rest.

Just do the next right thing. You can do it!

brundle

I hope everything went well for you at church today. Hang in there. Your not alone! You have your HP and everyone here!!! Keep writing!!

I'm headed to church soon... I'll be praying for you...

(((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))

Freedom1990

Try really hard to stay in the moment. Don't even think about the entire day. I know even that can be overwhelming! Baby steps, just for the moment in front of you. :ghug2 :ghug2

Cath1029

Just got back from church. The service was beautiful, but afterwards I felt like I didn't even want to ask for their help anymore. I didn't feel worthy or that I should be begging for help when I got myself here in the first place through my own bad choices.

As I was leaving I saw the pastor I had spoken with before, and he introduced me to the person in charge of the benevolence. He and I sat down and I told him how I was feeling and that I had prayed for guidance during the service to be able to explain myself. We talked about half an hour anyway, and the church is going to give me everything I needed plus some more. I just have to work there for the next few weeks to pay it back in the office and cleaning and day care, which I am more than happy to do. I really couldn't believe how I had been blessed.

Of course, once I got to my car there were 3 messages from AH telling me how he had gone out partying all night and what a f**king great time he had, etc., etc. He sounded like he was still under the influence for that matter. I have to admit it did hurt to hear that and took away some of the peace I was feeling at the moment, but I'm just trying to breathe now and make sense of everything.

Trying to hang on to steps 1-3......I can't, God can, I will let him.

Freedom1990

My suggestion? Quit listening to his messages. Delete them. It sounds like things are looking up for you, so stay the course, one moment at a time, okay?

:ghug2 :ghug2

Cath1029

I know what you mean, Freedom, but the codie in me sees 3 new messages in a row from him and immediately thinks, "OMG, something is wrong! What happened? I have to fix it!" I think about deleting them, but I'm just not there yet.